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  #11  
Old 01-09-2014, 04:06 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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True. Very true.

We're not totally out of the woods yet, as we are both calibrated differently as to how much texting time is ok. I'm just going to have to give a little and trust, but also communicate.

Part of it may be that this is the first guy that has threatened me in our relationship. I know I should just value the time we have for what it is and be happy for her that she has someone new that she's excited about. She sleeps over at my house for weeks on end. We cuddle and kiss and such. Shes WITH ME, so I should suck all this up a bit more. But I also need her to be present.

Only time will tell.
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  #12  
Old 01-11-2014, 01:37 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Sex once a month, eh?
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  #13  
Old 01-12-2014, 05:55 PM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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Yeah, once a month is neglect, especially when others get more. That's part of continuing a bond and a sense of intimacy. Leo would play hell with me if he only had sex with me once a month, especially if he was spendind sexy time with others and neglecting my needs.
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  #14  
Old 01-12-2014, 09:36 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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It's understandable that you're feeling disappointed and frustrated because you need some attention and intimacy when you're with her, and texting her potentials when she's cuddled on your lap doesn't meet that need.

My thought is, it is what it is. Is it immature? Sure, probably. But she's basically still a kid. She's not "acting" immature. She is immature. She's 20. Last year, she was a teenager. If you want to date someone who behaves like a 44 year old, then date a 44 year old. If you want to date a 20 year old, then be prepared for the Millennial Generation baggage that comes with it.

You've expressed how it bothers you, you've asked her to stop. With that information, she has chosen not to stop.

That puts the ball in your court. Your options, as I see them, are to end the relationship or learn to accept the behaviour. Otherwise, what you're doing is trying to change her. Only she can change herself, and she has to want that for her own reasons, not to appease someone else.

She's a young woman with freedom and no responsibility. We can all sit here on our pedestals and call that rude or selfish or immature, but the fact remains, it's her life to live the way she wants. If she wants to constantly text people across the country and explore all her possible avenues, then that's what she's gonna do. Passing judgement might make us feel superior and mature, but really it's just looking down our noses at "kids these days."
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 01-12-2014 at 09:48 PM.
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  #15  
Old 01-12-2014, 10:15 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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You are her soft place to land so to speak.

I have a feeling if you stopped some of the Daddy behavior she would really show her true colors.

She knows she will never be homeless or hungry with you. She is using you for a safety net on many levels.

I am going to be 40 next month. I get upset if I dont have sex more than once a week. I have been married 13 years and with my second husband 2 years.
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  #16  
Old 01-14-2014, 04:57 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Once a month may be exaggerating. Maybe two or three times a month. It used to be a lot more. She's said that it's easier to go out and have sex with guys who mean nothing, because she knows that after sex I expect some sort of relationship/connection...which is something that scares her.

I'm going to push for sex a bit more, but ultimately I feel it's wrong to badger a SO for sex...or push them into doing something they dont want to do.

She's gotten better at the texting...by a lot. It was just my birthday and she stayed off her phone almost the entire day to focus on me and make me feel special. It was appreciated.

Ultimately, what I have to get my head around is that she can flip back and forth from me to someone else (via text) and mean both things she says. I think I've been resisting actual polyamory.

I just have to get it through my thick head that loving someone else doesn't mean she doesn't love me.
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  #17  
Old 01-14-2014, 06:04 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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To me? This is sex share with more than one partner -- polysexuality.

If she's afraid to love share with you, then you are not practicing polyamory together.

Quote:
Ultimately, what I have to get my head around is that she can flip back and forth from me to someone else (via text) and mean both things she says.
That she enjoys being with both partners? Sure. She can enjoy it. That doesn't mean she is "in love" with either.

Quote:
I think I've been resisting actual polyamory.
I think you are hoping to share love with her, and ok with it coming in (polyamory) shape if that's the price of admission.

But you aren't getting love share here, so you are sad.

Quote:
I just have to get it through my thick head that loving someone else doesn't mean she doesn't love me.
That is true. Just because I love A. doesn't mean I do not love B. Core beliefs can ramp up jealousy.

I mean this kindly, ok?

I think what you have a hard time getting through your head might be that she doesn't love you in the way you want it to be.

I think you are experiencing inner conflict because you WANT love share with her and she's been clear all along that she's not up for that. And that's where you are having trouble digesting disappointment so you can reach acceptance.

Really doesn't have anything to do with the other BF person. Or even polyamory.

This seems to do with the fact that you want one relationship shape with her (friendship share, love share, sex share) and she wants another shape (friendship share, sex share).

You don't line up.

Quote:
She wants to be a friend who shares sex only. Sex share. Not love share.
Quote:
"she didn't like relationships." She just wanted to be "deep friends who have sex."
Quote:
She's said that it's easier to go out and have sex with guys who mean nothing, because she knows that after sex I expect some sort of relationship/connection...which is something that scares her.
However she feels about it -- "scares her" or whatever? The point is that she's not willing/able to provide it for you.

So you aren't going to get it here. Kudos to her for being honest. Kudos to her too, for listening when you request things. She's willing to do some of them -- like tone down the text thing. But I don't think you can ask her to be willing to sign up for a relationship shape she just isn't into and expect her to be willing to give that. She has indicated she's not up for that several times.

When you do not want to hear what she is saying to you because you want to keep the idea that it could be different alive in your head? That's not having feet planted on the ground and accepting actuality. Sure, lots of things could be different. But what it IS, is this.

You are dinging your own mental, emotional, and spiritual health continuing this way.
  • Could let go of the want to practice polyamory with this woman so you can enjoy practicing polysexuality together with peace of mind and no longer suffer inner conflict.
  • Could let go of this woman who does not want polyamory and seek polyamory elsewhere. So you can be free of inner conflict that way.
  • Or could let go of both -- seek a different partner AND non-polyamory elsewhere. Another way to let go of inner conflict.

I'm sorry you are hurting. Truly.

But beating your head on a wall is not serving you well.

It could serve you better to think and decide HOW you want to solve your inner conflict so you can start to feel better over time.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-14-2014 at 07:27 PM.
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