Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #81  
Old 01-12-2014, 04:05 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,718
Default

Dunno if J's tried this, but I've heard that doing a bunch of her chores for her does wonders for a woman's libido.

And it could be a communication (not enough verbal/emotional intimacy) problem. Or like Snowbunny mentioned, could be that J's not that wound up about it, and not inclined to search out possible ways to get A interested. Do A and J have date nights? Just wondering.

A should probably flat-out ask J if this is a problem for him, and if it is, then A and J ought to start seeing a (preferably poly-friendly) counselor. Possibly a sex counselor, depending on what the problem turns out to be.

In a nutshell, if you want to make someone feel special, you have to do special things for them. But A needs to exert a little faith and effort too -- if this is a problem for J. Something for A to investigate, I think. Nothing blocks the solution to a problem quite like assumptions do. So first order of business is an in-depth discussion about it between A and J.

Having said all this, it occurs to me that this is really something that A and J need to work out between the two of them. Your place is to be a good friend and lover toward A, and a good friend toward J. Their bedroom issues are really out of scope of what's appropriate for you to try to fix. If A asks for your counsel, perhaps you might direct her to this thread or something along those lines.

Hope things continue to go well.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #82  
Old 01-12-2014, 06:38 AM
pcflvly's Avatar
pcflvly pcflvly is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 57
Default

Good advice Kevin. Thanks. Most of that is beyond the scope of what I ever intended to discuss on here. I've tried to leave J out of it and only discuss my feelings and how I relate to A. J has mostly only figured in peripherally. That's also true in the real world here. I try not to pry into their relationship and although we've met a few times, it hasn't led to much closeness, just chit chat. Now though, he finds time for her to see me and even came to my house. That's a big change.
Reply With Quote
  #83  
Old 01-12-2014, 05:22 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,557
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by pcflvly View Post
I would like still more perspectives from other hinge people on how they divide their time and affections.
This blog section is more for journaling and doesn't get much feedback (Kevin excepted). I'm sure you'd get a lot more opinions on this topic if you started a thread about it in the Poly Relationships section. Kevin is just one guy with just one life experience.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #84  
Old 01-12-2014, 06:19 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,718
Default

True, true.

We actually started out in the intro board, then moved to the blog board. Neither is as well-suited for giving/receiving advice as the Poly Relationships Corner, it's likely to attract more people's notice (and invite more comments). If we start a new thread there, I suggest providing a link to this thread for any who desire a thorough background.

I think it was inevitable that J's relationship with A would become something you'd wonder and ask A about, as well as something A might want to start talking about with you. You can still be respectful of their space and offer help at the same time. Let A know that while you consider this a matter between her and J, you're still willing to offer your thoughts if she's interested, and, do consider directing her towards the discussion here.

For the moment, I don't detect a big problem but I suppose it wouldn't hurt to ask A about it if it's troubling you.

Regards,
KDT
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #85  
Old 01-12-2014, 10:54 PM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 114
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by pcflvly View Post
Good advice Kevin. Thanks. Most of that is beyond the scope of what I ever intended to discuss on here. I've tried to leave J out of it and only discuss my feelings and how I relate to A. J has mostly only figured in peripherally. That's also true in the real world here. I try not to pry into their relationship and although we've met a few times, it hasn't led to much closeness, just chit chat. Now though, he finds time for her to see me and even came to my house. That's a big change.
I've followed your blog with interest, as an objective side of your personality seems to come through - more than most writers here usually convey. I've remarked before about the fact that you happen to be the most poly person in this relationship, and that seems to be coming through loud and clear as time goes on.

I think the root of your concern touches on the heart of many of the fears and conflicts that poly relationships bring out. The dark underbelly of many of them is the idea that couples who reach out to poly are, in fact, potentially in a position where they can upgrade from their current partner. The insinuation in your concerns is that the wife (A - who after all these posts could use more than a single letter for a name, lol) has romantically shut down on her husband and that there won't be any going back for her. There's no motivation for her to do that, and why would there be? You've taken that position in her heart and mind, and any efforts with him would be superficial and meaningless to her.

And that's what it comes down to, isn't it? Motivations.

Is your girlfriend really in a poly mindset? Based on your writing, all evidence points to her being resolutely monogamous. It's easier for the poly label to be stuck on things here, but words are always a distant second compared to actions and motivations.

Is that a problem though, her being monogamous with you while also being married to someone she tacitly tolerates romantically? It doesn't appear to be with the husband....for now. And those words "for now" are where the eyebrows furrow and the mind starts wondering.

Why isn't that bothering him? Is he fine living in a dead-battery marriage with a wife who doesn't think about him (except as the father of her kids, good friend - and possibly a paycheck)? So that's the question you really want an answer to, I'd think. Is it not bothering him because he's madly in love and thinks things will get better (highly unlikely) - or is he already resigned to an outcome where he's left with the short end of the stick? Perhaps he's a family man who believes in the sanctity of marriage and wants to provide a stable home regardless of how the marriage itself is functioning? Or possibly is he someone who lives vicariously through enjoying the exploits of his partner (cuckold mentality, etc)?

These are questions no one has to immediately care about, depending on the type of person lurking underneath the generous time-giving man you're dealing with right now. Is he going to simmer and eventually blow his top, and demand/expect changes to the way things are? Or, is he going to fade quietly into the night recognizing that he isn't the man for her?

My suspicion is that were there no children involved, she'd already be living with you.

I think out of everything, the sooner she comes to realize she's a 'one man woman' the sooner things will come to their natural conclusion. Or, if he's really okay with being the odd man out, it'll just stay the way it is until the children are nearly grown. Which might be the worst outcome for everyone involved.

There are some other life story writers in here in a similar relationship, who met the man of their dreams after they met the one they married. I wouldn't call their lives charmed by any stretch of the imagination, but they press on in the dual relationships for reasons other than being in love with their spouse. You might poke around and see the outcomes aren't too different from the one your girlfriend is headed for.

On your side of it though, those questions above are extremely meaningful at some point. How they get answered will dictate the course of your future. A little thing like 'currently getting 100% of the affection' will eventually mean a great deal more. I think it speaks highly of your intelligence to wonder about the things you've written on.

Last edited by monkeystyle; 01-12-2014 at 10:58 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #86  
Old 01-13-2014, 12:19 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,718
Default

Yeah, could be this is a case of serial monogamy that we're looking at -- dressed up to look like polyamory to the casual observer.

I suppose many cases of "bad polyamory" do look like that. Cases where someone (e.g. A) wants something better (e.g. pcflvly) to replace what they have (e.g. J), but have a cognitive dissonance about it and don't want to see it that way (e.g. due to their being married with children).

If that's what's happening here, then it's an "aha moment" that A must experience for herself before any objective steps can be taken regarding it. For me to make a clear judgment call I'd need quite a bit more in-depth info about A and J -- especially including the story and situation from each of those two persons' point of view. In the meantime we can only postulate, and ponder what pcflvly's appropriate role is in all of this.

Regards,
Kevin.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #87  
Old 01-30-2014, 01:55 PM
pcflvly's Avatar
pcflvly pcflvly is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 57
Default

Good points and questions. Thank you for commenting. Everything proceeding apace here with quite a few changes. The big one is that I introduced J to a woman and they are becoming good friends.

I hooked them up for several reasons. One was that he was feeling a lot of insecurity about A's affection for me. Another was that I felt guilty because I thought we had had some parity on the affection front. Finding out otherwise had thrown me for a loop.

I've met J five or six times now and it always made me uncomfortable. We were becoming masters of the awkward silence. However, introducing him to this other woman made me feel more on an equal footing with him so I invited him out for a drink, just the two of us.

I wanted to talk about my motivations for finding him a date. In fact, that motivation was a desire to see him feeling better about himself so that he would be a better partner for my girlfriend. He was somewhat taken aback when I told him that but then observed that they had been closer since he met the other woman.

I explained my motivation in the simplest terms, that long after I'm gone, he will still be there for her. He wholeheartedly agreed with that and said, "I knew what I was getting into when I married her twenty years ago." So I don't think he's going to 'fade into the night'.

I'm not planning to fade into the night either. At almost five months now, this is the third longest relationship of my life and it is extremely significant to me. Despite that and despite my strong feelings for her, which I've expressed over and over again in this blog, I still don't want her full time. It suits me just fine that she has a husband and a place to go home to.

Another piece of the puzzle is that I may soon have the opportunity to relocate. It's a distinct possibility for the near future. And while I hope she'll come visit me wherever I live, I'm not taking her with me.

I discussed all this with J and I hope that I listened well to him too. The one thing he said that does stand out was, "She's not planning to give you up anytime soon."

I waited until he was good and drunk before I popped the big question I had been waiting all evening to ask. I said, "Now that you understand my motivations, would you be more comfortable with A occasionally, and not on any kind of schedule, spending the night with me again?"

He replied, "I think that will be okay."
Reply With Quote
  #88  
Old 01-30-2014, 07:48 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,718
Default

That sounds like good news to me.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #89  
Old 02-22-2014, 04:06 PM
pcflvly's Avatar
pcflvly pcflvly is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 57
Default

Another month is almost past and our adventure proceeds. I hardly know where to begin. Probably where I left off

No more overnights yet. A is on a solo vacation in a tropical paradise and the two or three weeks before she left were extremely busy for her as she had to bank hours at work and plan her adventure. I didn't do too well with her not being as available. I don't like having a needy feeling for her. I just want to be satisfied with the time we do share together. I missed her so much though that it made me cry. Twice. I've felt tears welling up for her before but this was the first time they actually rolled down my cheeks.

Meanwhile, J and M are getting along well. I helped M with the move into her new house a couple weeks ago and she told me, "I don't want to meet A." So I was quite surprised when I saw that they added each other as friends on FB and even more surprised when I noticed them chatting on there.

The next big surprise was about a week later when J sent me a friend request. I accepted of course. it took me a week to finally thank him for the add. His reply, "Hey no problem. I guess we are all family now, right?" with a smile tacked on the end.

I answered, "I hope so."

Last edited by pcflvly; 02-22-2014 at 06:51 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #90  
Old 02-23-2014, 01:38 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,718
Default

Sounds like folks are warming up to each other.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:14 PM.