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  #31  
Old 01-08-2014, 02:28 AM
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She is scrambling to get back on her husband's good side. I wouldn't trust either of them as far as I could throw them.

Amateurs. Feh. You can do much better.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-08-2014 at 02:31 AM.
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  #32  
Old 01-11-2014, 07:34 PM
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What do I do? I love him. I miss him. I want a relationship. I am scared. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to her? Do I contact him? Do I leave it alone as previously recommended on this thread? Run away from it? Move onto less complicated relationships? Help!
It's natural to feel sadness and longing after a break-up. You're mourning the death of your relationship. Human beings thrive on relationships, they're our raison d'etre.

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Originally Posted by Firelight View Post
She tells me that she did not veto the relationship. She tells me that she was very upset and needed time to work through her primary having relationship with me. She felt hurt and upset because we had "betrayed" her (her words). Although she admitted we had both been open about our communication & relationship, I, personally, I had not shared with her my deep feelings for him. She felted hurt by this since we are friends.
Step 1: Make excuses and transfer the blame. "I didn't veto you [I just made it so impossibly uncomfortable for him to be with you that there was only one rational choice.]"

Quote:
She also told me that she wasn't sure she could handle him being with me.
Step 2: Make it all about herself. Oh sure, she can handle having another boyfriend just find... but dealing with her discomfort and insecurity when her husband tries to do the same? Why would she want to do that, what's in it for her?

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In the end, over a few days, she said she cried, worked hard with him to figure things out and finally came to the conclusion that out of love for him, she wanted him to have this relationship with me. True gift of polyamory.
True gift... your words or hers? Here's the thing: We never do anything for other people. Never. Even when we do something purely because it makes someone else's life better, we're doing that because it meets our own human need to fulfill life.

Any time we do something "for someone else" it's because of guilt, bribery, or fear. And then we all pay for it: the giver and the receiver. The giver pays for it because they have negative energy around the so-called gift. The receiver pays for it because sooner or later, it will come back to haunt them. Resentment grows and eventually explodes in a big ball of smelly shit.

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Here I am now. Starting to re-connect a fragile relationship with her (she said she is having a hard time trusting me). According to her, he has been distant & quiet for weeks stating he misses me but he is getting better.
So in other words, she got him to break up with you, and now he's sad so he's no fun as a husband. In order to make him into a more fun husband, she's hoping that "letting" him date you will cheer him up. Doesn't sound like she's doing that out of a spirit of giving.
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  #33  
Old 01-11-2014, 07:46 PM
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Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
And yeah, wtf about basing decisions on a mono counselor? Doesn't sound like the two of them really have a clue.
When you're flailing in deep water, you'll grab on to anything that seems to be floating. In this case, it was a mono counsellor who probably sounded really sure of themself and delivered the ultimatum in a way that made it seem reasonable. The counsellor had the entire cultural bias of monogamy in their favour. The husband probably already felt a lot of guilt and shame for going against the rules for behaviour he grew up with and it was a relief to be given a way out.

I'm not saying all that is good or helpful. I'm just saying it's understandable.

But it definitely emphasizes that this couple does not seem ready for polyamory at this time. They have weaknesses in communication, trust, and empathy. Furthermore, they're so insecure in their polyamorous ways that all it took to pop the bubble was some person with a framed certificate on the wall and a reassuring voice telling them what they "have" to do.

Ugh. In my opinion, a good counsellor would never tell you what you "have" to do. People have to make their own choices and be accountable for the results. The counsellor could present possible consequences to different options, but ultimately if someone does something because "my counsellor says I have to" then they're not taking accountability for their behaviour.
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  #34  
Old 01-13-2014, 04:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Firelight View Post
What do I do? I love him. I miss him. I want a relationship. I am scared. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to her? Do I contact him? Do I leave it alone as previously recommended on this thread? Run away from it? Move onto less complicated relationships? Help!
I've been silent here for a very long time but I couldn't stay quiet reading your story. It sounds eerily similar to my own.

I hear every word you are saying and empathize to the point of tears as to why you want this to continue. But let me tell you that I have been in your shoes for almost two years and it has been hell. Spiralling out of control and leaving more victims in it's wake than on the show Breaking Bad.

Without a lot of serious work and counselling , your metamour will never fully get past this. Even with her "being ok" with allowing you to see him , there will be retractions , restrictions, drama and pain, privacy violations , his withdrawal because life at home has gotten too difficult. And you will likely be in for a world of hurt.

My advice is like many others , and as someone who has been in that trench now for 22 months , is to hold your head high and walk away as fast as you can. He may love you and you do love him but her green headed monster will always prevail. You will miss him and love him and want only what's best for him , so hold your head high. And if he feels the same for you , he will suffer the same , and resentment will settle in. But that's not your problem. They are not ready for this lifestyle.

Go find someone who is strong enough to love you on his own accord and not on the restrictions and watchful , insecure eye of another.

Good luck to you.

Last edited by newtoday; 01-13-2014 at 04:54 PM. Reason: iPhone autocorrect mistakes.
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  #35  
Old 01-13-2014, 04:56 PM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
It's natural to feel sadness and longing after a break-up. You're mourning the death of your relationship. Human beings thrive on relationships, they're our raison d'etre.

Step 1: Make excuses and transfer the blame. "I didn't veto you [I just made it so impossibly uncomfortable for him to be with you that there was only one rational choice.]"

So in other words, she got him to break up with you, and now he's sad so he's no fun as a husband. In order to make him into a more fun husband, she's hoping that "letting" him date you will cheer him up. Doesn't sound like she's doing that out of a spirit of giving.
This. Yes yes yes. Exactly this. Please spare yourself further drama and pain and move on.
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  #36  
Old 02-12-2014, 11:22 AM
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Sorry to not have responded earlier to these amazing responses. I read them over and over carefully and I completely agree.

I made the conscious decision to hold my head up high like you suggested and believe that I deserve better. Yes, there is definitely still some residual sadness at the loss of that relationship but putting anymore energy into it is a downward spiral.

Ironically, another couple (that I've known for years) has come along that I feel an incredible emotional intimacy with. We are all open, great communicators, and taking it slow, and most of all, feeling the joy & happiness it is bringing all three of us. What a contrast!!! This is what I had envisioned as polyamory. Not that drama I was involved with before.

Thanks again for being so incredibly supportive and the voice of reason when I needed it most.
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