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  #21  
Old 01-11-2014, 01:04 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is online now
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So when you look for a potential partner how doea the whole "if ypu are my girlfriend then you are only allowed to have a boyfriend, no other girls" talk work out?
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  #22  
Old 01-11-2014, 03:15 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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The OP already has a gf and a bf and they are designing the commitment structure around already existing partners.

I would imagine just like in any other relationship, you wouldn't have "the talk" until you've been dating a while and feel ready for more intensity or exclusivity. By then you'd have a good sense of where the person you've been seeing is at. I guess if I ever got to that point with a woman, I'd ask her "Are you interested in seeing other women, or can I expect that I'm your only girlfriend?" or something along those lines. Of course, that would be unrealistic if I was dating, say, one half of a lesbian couple, or a woman not very interested in men and not content to be my "secondary." What draws me to polyamory is the idea that you can be committed, in whatever way makes sense to your situation, to more than one person.
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  #23  
Old 01-11-2014, 03:54 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I never understand why people think that it's an insult when it is suggested or pointed out to them that they are (or seem) insecure. None of us are secure about everything in our lives and that kind of feedback can be extremely useful.

For example, I am insecure about driving a vehicle, since I live in NYC and rarely ever need to get behind the wheel of a car. I am in my early 50s, have lived in NYC since I was 22, and have only driven a car maybe 10 times in all those years. Oh, I can tell you very confidently how to hail a cab, find a bus stop, or where to stand on a subway platform so you will be exactly where the train conductor's car will pull up. However, I freely admit I am insecure about driving - I am simply not a confident driver and I am not ashamed of this! Therefore, knowing that about myself, I also know that I need to build my sense of security about driving by improving my skills. Take a few driving lessons, rent a Zipcar by the hour for some practice, drive short distances in places that are familiar and not anxiety-provoking, etc.

Another example is at work, where I recently was promoted to a management position. My superior has pointed out to me several times that I am insecure about certain responsibilities I have, so she and I are actively working on ways to build my confidence in those areas. She shares with me the areas that she sees me as being insecure because she wants me to succeed.

It is the same thing here. We here who practice or want polyamory in our lives, or whose partners do, want others to succeed. If someone comes here and shares the boundaries or rules of their polyamorous situation and seeks feedback, feedback is what they will get. Most of the feedback shared here is given in the spirit of helpfulness, even if the words seem harsh. If much of that feedback zeroes in on the fact that certain rules appear to be ways to manage insecurities, then all it means is that is something to take a look at as a possibility, and a potential area to build one's skills. If the person asking for feedback looks at the suggestions and feels they do not apply to them, they are free to discard those suggestions, but there isn't much usefulness in getting defensive or investing in the idea that they were attacked, unfairly judged, victimized, etc., by some random strangers on a message board who simply gave them what they asked for.

No one here can live another member's life for them. All we can do is take the information presented and share what our initial impressions are about them, for the seeker to look at and consider. If someone says, "This kind of rule usually indicates insecurity. Perhaps you should try X, Y, or Z instead," it is not an insult! Yes, it may be a judgement, but judgements are not automatically bad things -- when you are here and asking for feedback, essentially you are asking us to judge what you've told us. Otherwise, how else would we have an opinion if we did not weigh the pluses and minuses, consider the issues from our perspective, and form a conclusion? That process is basically what judging is.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-11-2014 at 04:10 PM.
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  #24  
Old 01-19-2014, 03:47 AM
Haiya Haiya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I never understand why people think that it's an insult when it is suggested or pointed out to them that they are (or seem) insecure. None of us are secure about everything in our lives and that kind of feedback can be extremely useful.

For example, I am insecure about driving a vehicle, since I live in NYC and rarely ever need to get behind the wheel of a car. I am in my early 50s, have lived in NYC since I was 22, and have only driven a car maybe 10 times in all those years. Oh, I can tell you very confidently how to hail a cab, find a bus stop, or where to stand on a subway platform so you will be exactly where the train conductor's car will pull up. However, I freely admit I am insecure about driving - I am simply not a confident driver and I am not ashamed of this! Therefore, knowing that about myself, I also know that I need to build my sense of security about driving by improving my skills. Take a few driving lessons, rent a Zipcar by the hour for some practice, drive short distances in places that are familiar and not anxiety-provoking, etc.

Another example is at work, where I recently was promoted to a management position. My superior has pointed out to me several times that I am insecure about certain responsibilities I have, so she and I are actively working on ways to build my confidence in those areas. She shares with me the areas that she sees me as being insecure because she wants me to succeed.

It is the same thing here. We here who practice or want polyamory in our lives, or whose partners do, want others to succeed. If someone comes here and shares the boundaries or rules of their polyamorous situation and seeks feedback, feedback is what they will get. Most of the feedback shared here is given in the spirit of helpfulness, even if the words seem harsh. If much of that feedback zeroes in on the fact that certain rules appear to be ways to manage insecurities, then all it means is that is something to take a look at as a possibility, and a potential area to build one's skills. If the person asking for feedback looks at the suggestions and feels they do not apply to them, they are free to discard those suggestions, but there isn't much usefulness in getting defensive or investing in the idea that they were attacked, unfairly judged, victimized, etc., by some random strangers on a message board who simply gave them what they asked for.

No one here can live another member's life for them. All we can do is take the information presented and share what our initial impressions are about them, for the seeker to look at and consider. If someone says, "This kind of rule usually indicates insecurity. Perhaps you should try X, Y, or Z instead," it is not an insult! Yes, it may be a judgement, but judgements are not automatically bad things -- when you are here and asking for feedback, essentially you are asking us to judge what you've told us. Otherwise, how else would we have an opinion if we did not weigh the pluses and minuses, consider the issues from our perspective, and form a conclusion? That process is basically what judging is.
It's more the attitude that some individuals came on here and just straight up were like It's called insecurity. They were judgmental and I don't like individuals who judge so quickly like that. I love the feedback I have been getting. It really has helped a few things and it's really great. But I do have a problem with someone quickly calling it insecure.
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  #25  
Old 01-19-2014, 03:50 AM
Haiya Haiya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
The OP already has a gf and a bf and they are designing the commitment structure around already existing partners.

I would imagine just like in any other relationship, you wouldn't have "the talk" until you've been dating a while and feel ready for more intensity or exclusivity. By then you'd have a good sense of where the person you've been seeing is at. I guess if I ever got to that point with a woman, I'd ask her "Are you interested in seeing other women, or can I expect that I'm your only girlfriend?" or something along those lines. Of course, that would be unrealistic if I was dating, say, one half of a lesbian couple, or a woman not very interested in men and not content to be my "secondary." What draws me to polyamory is the idea that you can be committed, in whatever way makes sense to your situation, to more than one person.
This is more what our situation is. Thank you for that explanation. I agree with your last commitment line.
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  #26  
Old 01-19-2014, 08:41 AM
london london is offline
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As soon as you want to restrict who your partner sleeps with based on their sex or gender, you have insecurities and possible prejudices too. Sorry if that's news to you
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  #27  
Old 01-20-2014, 12:43 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
As soon as you want to restrict who your partner sleeps with based on their sex or gender, you have insecurities and possible prejudices too. Sorr that's news to you
Exactly. if you And yours and theirs are fine with that but you have to admit it is what it is. If YOU want only to date one of each sex is one thing but to demand it from potential partners screams Insecurity. I cant imagine any other reason to tell someone they cant have more than one partner of each sex
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