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Old 01-10-2014, 11:11 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,850

Well... could asking "what is your current agreement about communication with me?" serve YOU better? So you can KNOW and make your decisions from a place of full information? Yes. So if that should come to pass, you could ASK and not assume. You could look out for YOU and your well being.

If he does not want to tell or lies? That behavior is all on him. But on your side of it you were trying to be honest, forthright, and straight up your behavior.

Better still? Just don't bother with him!

JP's last message to me said that if communication is allowed to start up again, that A is off limits. It'll be interesting to try and phrase any question about agreements without mentioning her.
I find that interesting that he doesn't want to talk about A (who he trespasses against when he breaks shared agreements) and seems to want to cut you off from communicating with her directly should you want to verify/validate whatever he tells you now that he's been a slippery fish type person. You could tread carefully.
JP: If I decide to start talking to you again, you cannot ask me questions. I will not tell you how A feels about it or what agreements we have. You cannot ask me. You cannot ask her. She's off limits. Agreed? Because I derive pleasure in chit chat with you so come chit chat with me. That's the offer on the table. Want to participate?

You: No. Because without me knowing clear boundaries, or current shared agreements with your wife? You are asking me to sign up for more potential drama as your unwitting accomplice if you are sneaking around breaking agreements again. I'm not up for skulking around or helping you cause your wife pain. I had enough last time. Thanks, but no thanks. Your behavior of offering me a shady sounding offer does not speak well of your character or demonstrate respect toward your wife or to me, Mr Shenanigans.
Could not sign up for shenanigans -- minor or major.

If you and B want to open your marriage, you deserve to have and be in a polyship that is respectful and rewarding and not one that is all messy even from the starting gate.

B's been very supportive, and he thinks I'm overly pessimistic. He also talked about a 2-year old testing limits as a description of what JP sending e-mail under these circumstances meant.
I don't think you are being pessimistic to be cautious and want to look out for your own well being and avoid getting dinged if you can help it. And you CAN help taking up with JP again when he's showing himself not to be a person of his word.

JP is testing to you see what you will allow to slide. B could not excuse JP's behavior. He is not a toddler who doesn't know better. He is a 58 year old man who does know better, but does inappropriate behavior anyway. He repeatedly makes agreements he has no intention of keeping.

I know I read somewhere on this site that it can take a year or more for a spouse to get used to the idea of polyamory. I wonder how long it could take to just become accepting of the fact of my existence?
Does not apply, since you are not in polyship or in "considering polyship" conversation with these people.

She knows you exist and live on this planet. She accepts that. It is not about you.

She's probably not calling her counselor for emergency session because of you living on the planet. It is more likely about "When my husband keeps breaking agreements, avoiding dealing with marriage issues, and avoiding rebuilding/growing trust, tells people my personal patient info without my consent? His behaviors piss me off! How can I even trust him AGAIN in his word or his behavior? How can this marriage be healthy if there is no shared trust and all this anger?"

Could also keep in mind that when he behaves in untrustworthy, indiscreet ways with his wife? What stops him from breaking agreements with you if you get involved with him? Best not to take up with him if he has weak character/weak ethics and spare yourself the drama from the get go. You don't need to live a soap opera.

Considering polyshipping may be new to you, but you are NOT in a polyship. You are dealing with a dude who seems all kinds of FRESH. You are 59 -- prob safe to guess he isn't the first fresh dude ever you had to deal with putting back in his place for stepping over the line.

You are correct to be careful, cautious, and realistic and get you out of the line of fire so YOU are unharmed. That's hardly being "pessimistic!"


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-10-2014 at 12:59 PM.
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