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  #11  
Old 01-08-2014, 04:17 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
While I may be willing to take the heat myself if I were to reveal poly to a disapproving person - and I generally have no compunctions about revealing to people who have become trusted friends - when I was involved with a couple with children, I was not willing to do something that could result in harm to the children: them being asked questions they wouldn't know how to answer by their friends, the neighbors not permitting their children to play with ours, the risk of someone notifying social services.
Right. I'm not willing to put my wife or girlfriend through that much judgement either. In most cases being obvious about relationship(s) doesn't just affect you.
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Wife: Kay - mono female - married 17 years
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  #12  
Old 01-08-2014, 05:24 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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On the one hand, I actually do seek out partners who are uncomfortable with hiding being poly, even with the sort of lying that is necessary to protect children, other relationships, etc. The fact that they are willing to put others' needs ahead of theirs is something I admire. But--

I had a partner tell me, If poly was socially acceptable, I wouldn't hide the fact that I was in a relationship with you. And I liked that. It showed me that she wasn't dating me out of some desire to "experiment" with the lifestyle...or to try to prove to herself that she was "different" than other people, or any motive other than she liked being poly and liked being with me.

You don't really want to be with someone so callous that the title of "girlfriend" is more important than how it affects the people around her. But you also don't want to be with someone who is actually ATTRACTED to the secrecy of the lifestyle....or I don't know. Maybe you do? Whatever works.
  #13  
Old 01-08-2014, 08:01 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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My relationships are not in the closet by any means.

We go places together. Including kids events, community events and etc.

If people ask we tell the truth. BUT we do not rub our relationship choices in peoples faces.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
  #14  
Old 01-09-2014, 01:53 AM
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Oldpolyman Oldpolyman is offline
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We did hide our relationships originally, now that we're retired we're out to almost everyone. We can understand why some ppl (especially those who's lifestyle is politically incorrect ie: polygamy) are reluctant to come out. Fortunately poly is becoming more accepted so their may be less reason to hide than before.
>
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
My relationships are not in the closet by any means.
We go places together. Including kids events, community events and etc.
If people ask we tell the truth. BUT we do not rub our relationship choices in peoples faces.
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I try to love my wives this way, unconditionally! Husbands love your wives, even as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her. Eph. 5:25
  #15  
Old 01-09-2014, 06:21 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Similar reasons to the reason you choose to "hide" behind a user name instead of using your legal name in the forum? Cause you don't think that's any of our business?

Ok, that was snarky but true - My husband and I are out, but some years back I would not have been out at all - I was starting a small business in a small town and it might have affected ever earning a living - at that point if we wanted to keep it to ourselves it made a lot of sense.
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  #16  
Old 01-10-2014, 12:06 AM
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ColorsWolf ColorsWolf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
When you have a job with a good character clause, something like kink or polyamory or an affair can cause you to lose your job.
Actually, with my job it's the OPPOSITE of that: my job requires a "secret" security clearance and if I "hide" ANYTHING not-related to my job: any one could use this some thing that I am "hiding" to "blackmail" me and thus making me a "security-risk", I could lose my job for that.~

The more "potentially-damaging" the information to me, in other words the more I "DON'T want people to know about it", the higher a "security-risk" I am.~

So in actuality, it's better if I am open about every thing that I am and do especially if it is not "mainstream".~

I understand the fear of having every one "know" about who you are and what you do, and the potential "dangers" that come with that, but it is simply paranoia to believe that EVERY SINGLE PERSON, children INCLUDED in the situation, who has EVER "publicly-announced" that they are "polyamorous" have been treated badly.~
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*Believe in yourself, you can do anything*!~ ^_^

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Last edited by ColorsWolf; 01-10-2014 at 12:22 AM.
  #17  
Old 01-10-2014, 12:17 AM
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ColorsWolf ColorsWolf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Similar reasons to the reason you choose to "hide" behind a user name instead of using your legal name in the forum? Cause you don't think that's any of our business?

Ok, that was snarky but true - My husband and I are out, but some years back I would not have been out at all - I was starting a small business in a small town and it might have affected ever earning a living - at that point if we wanted to keep it to ourselves it made a lot of sense.
Do not presume to know me.~

No name that I use is in any way "fake" or "not who I am".~

I have many names, in fact I have TWO FULL names:

My given name:

Christopher Michael Gallardo Jr.

and my self-chosen name:

Starlight Bliss Rainbow

I also participate in many games, fiction, and fantasy where I use and create names that are no "more" or "less" "real" than my two "full" names.~

For what is a name any way, but a word a word that we give meaning.~

I do not need to know some one's name to have a great conversation with them, if they choose not to tell me their name or haven't decided what their name was to be yet (I have met 1 person who was like this) then that is fine by me.~

IF there WAS "room" in the "About" section, I WOULD HAVE typed my information in there, but I can BARELY type the link to my Tumblr Blog with a half-sentence explanation, I also included the link to my OkCupid.com Profile under the "Contact Me" section which DOES include my full given legal name as well as where I live for now.~

If you want to know more ABOUT "ME" then please ASK me, but please don't assume that this limited "About Section" of this site is going to include more 1 SENTENCE "about" me.~
__________________
Love yourself, you are beautiful!~ ^_^

*Believe in yourself, you can do anything*!~ ^_^

Appreciate every thing, every thing is precious.~


Last edited by ColorsWolf; 01-10-2014 at 02:57 AM.
  #18  
Old 01-10-2014, 12:37 AM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ColorsWolf View Post
Actually, with my job it's the OPPOSITE of that: my job requires a "secret" security clearance and if I "hide" ANYTHING not-related to my job: any one could use this some thing that I am "hiding" to "blackmail" me and thus making me a "security-risk", I could lose my job for that.~

The more "potentially-damaging" the information to me, in other words the more I "DON'T want people to know about it", the higher a "security-risk" I am.~

So in actuality, it's better if I am open about every thing that I am and do especially if it is not "mainstream".~

I understand the fear of having every one "know" about who you are and what you do, and the potential "dangers" that come with that, but it is simply paranoia to believe that EVERY SINGLE PERSON, children INCLUDED in the situation, who has EVER "publicly-announced" that they are "polyamorous" have been treated badly.~
Well, no, not exactly.

You're a security risk if it's potentially damaging to the country, not so much to you.

Coming back from the Philippines with a new wife you never told anyone about? Yeah, THAT made for some fun days for a coworker of mine.

"Adverse information" is something that someone can hold over you and make you a security threat (via blackmail or extortion or the like), OR is information that shows that you're a loose cannon and/or not trustworthy (alcoholism, drug addiction), OR something else that shows you'd be susceptible to bribery (financial troubles). It's also occasionally things that are GOOD for you (coming into unexplained wealth) because, hey, maybe they're selling secrets.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of military folks (disclaimer: I don't think I know any personally, but I've seen threads and the like) who keep their poly relationships hush-hush due to adultery clauses. That's a tough line because on the one hand, they could lose their jobs. On the other hand, they could lose their clearance and, therefore, their jobs. Yuck.

Oh, and you might want to not go shouting that you have a clearance over a public, international message board. Just sayin'.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops: My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
My slightly more polished blog (external): From Baltic to Boardwalk
  #19  
Old 01-10-2014, 12:44 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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You do realize that the US military comes with strict Morality rules don't you. You end up in jail for volation of those rules. Including adultry and etc. Hellish you get an Article 15 for a simple tattoo.

The military has no tolerance for those who do not play by societies rules. You better get good at hiding. Or they will discharge you with a dishonorable discharge which follows you as badly as a felony for the rest of your life.

I served in the Army.. was born a navy brat. Butch is a former Marine . We know the rules well.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
  #20  
Old 01-10-2014, 02:54 AM
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ColorsWolf ColorsWolf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Well, no, not exactly.

You're a security risk if it's potentially damaging to the country, not so much to you.

Coming back from the Philippines with a new wife you never told anyone about? Yeah, THAT made for some fun days for a coworker of mine.

"Adverse information" is something that someone can hold over you and make you a security threat (via blackmail or extortion or the like), OR is information that shows that you're a loose cannon and/or not trustworthy (alcoholism, drug addiction), OR something else that shows you'd be susceptible to bribery (financial troubles). It's also occasionally things that are GOOD for you (coming into unexplained wealth) because, hey, maybe they're selling secrets.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of military folks (disclaimer: I don't think I know any personally, but I've seen threads and the like) who keep their poly relationships hush-hush due to adultery clauses. That's a tough line because on the one hand, they could lose their jobs. On the other hand, they could lose their clearance and, therefore, their jobs. Yuck.

Oh, and you might want to not go shouting that you have a clearance over a public, international message board. Just sayin'.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
You do realize that the US military comes with strict Morality rules don't you. You end up in jail for volation of those rules. Including adultry and etc. Hellish you get an Article 15 for a simple tattoo.

The military has no tolerance for those who do not play by societies rules. You better get good at hiding. Or they will discharge you with a dishonorable discharge which follows you as badly as a felony for the rest of your life.

I served in the Army.. was born a navy brat. Butch is a former Marine . We know the rules well.
To Dagferi:

You "better" not be telling me what to do when you have no idea what you are talking about.~

You do not know me, you do not know my circumstances.~

To Dagferi and to YouAreHere:

I am not married and my love life is not relevant to my military life, because as they told me at MEPS, "If you're not married and you don't plan on getting married, then we don't need to know about it."

I do know however that it is best if I don't go to great lengths to hide my love life in any way as I could be setting myself up for being "blackmailed".~
__________________
Love yourself, you are beautiful!~ ^_^

*Believe in yourself, you can do anything*!~ ^_^

Appreciate every thing, every thing is precious.~

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