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  #11  
Old 01-06-2014, 07:44 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you deal in this.

You have a long laundry list of your husband making and then breaking agreements.

At this time? Rather than change HIS behavior and either keep the agreement or NOT even agree in the first place? He's trying to talk you out of your feelings when you express upset at his behavior. Deny that you feel what you feel.

Basically doesn't want to be called into account and deal with his own behavior. So he blame shifts and minimizes.

Since it directly impacts your sex health and more when he behaves this way? Sure you have a right to be mad agreements are not being kept!

Could examine your own behavior though, since you cannot control his. I am going to guess. I could be totally wrong --- but here's how it seems to me.

Here he is making a mess left and right. This seems to be your behavior:
  • Despite his track record, I keep expecting him to make and keep agreements and be trustworthy.
  • Despite husband chronically breaking agreements, I continue to have unprotected sex with him.
  • Despite husband chronically breaking agreements, I continue to participate in relationship with him.

If any of that that is what it is here? Some of it I guessed right?

He doesn't really have to change anything. You are still around. *shrug* He can let you talk til you are blue in the face. He's still getting the pleasure of your company, and the work your put in to the relationship, kids, etc. He'd not going without. Since he's not changing his behavior any time soon, you could change YOURS.
  • Could stop expecting him to KEEP agreements he says he's going to keep. Could not make more new ones with him. Believe his track record. When you get mixed messages and the talk is one thing and the walk is another thing? "Talk" and "walk" don't match? Actions speak louder than words.
  • Could stop having unprotected sex with him and get you tested.
  • Could stop being in relationship with him.
  • Could let him experience natural consequences -- not be vindictive, but natural consequences:
    • DH, you choose to have unproctected sex? You aren't going to have unprotected sex with ME.
    • DH, you choose to break agreements? I don't make new ones with you, and I do not trust you any more. You are not a person of your word.
    • DH, you choose to not have A Word and are not trustworthy spouse? I have to reevaluate staying with you and continuing the marital relationship.
  • Could start making plans for your own happier future that are shenanigan free.

Up to you how you want to handle it. Again... I'm very sorry you are having all this happen, because it really stinks.

But you control your willingness to stay for more shenanigans. This is not ethical, honest, polyshipping.

You have every right to be concerned about how his behavior affects your sex health, and your emotional/mental health.

You have every right to walk away and withdraw your willingness to participate.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-06-2014 at 02:17 PM.
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  #12  
Old 01-06-2014, 09:30 AM
london london is offline
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He's being a disrespectful douche, DTMF
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  #13  
Old 01-06-2014, 11:10 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Safer sex is Rule Number One in polyamory.

Respect for ALL your partners is also mandatory.

Getting so lost in NRE to the point you neglect the needs of your primary, mother of your children, that's just a douche move and tacky.
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  #14  
Old 01-08-2014, 05:46 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Do you feel respected?
Do you feel heard?
Do you feel valued?

If the answer to any of these is "no," you've got a serious problem.

You don't have to agree to a polyamorous situation. You don't have to offer consent, and you don't have to put up with bullshit from an inconsiderate ass. He has endangered your health and taken advantage of your generosity.

If I were you, my locks would be changed and his clothing and toothbrush on the front step. He has utterly disrespected you, and that is no way to treat anyone. I would not take him back unless he dumps her and goes to therapy or counseling with you.

Oh, and get tested for STIs right away. Obviously, if you're not going to kick his ass out the door, no unprotected sex with him.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-08-2014 at 08:53 PM.
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  #15  
Old 01-08-2014, 07:55 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I am with london.

Dump the douchebag.
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  #16  
Old 01-09-2014, 12:41 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Safer sex is Rule Number One in polyamory.

Respect for ALL your partners is also mandatory.

Getting so lost in NRE to the point you neglect the needs of your primary, mother of your children, that's just a douche move and tacky.
Both of my guys are fixed, so babies aren't a factor.
But STD's are ALWAYS a factor.
Not respecting our agreements regarding appropriate safer sex practices results in NO SEX WITH ME AT ALL PERIOD.

Repeated disrespect of those agreements AND others would result in them moving OUT of my home.
I expect my FRIENDS to respect all agreements they make with me, I DAMN SURE expect my partners to respect all agreements they make with me. (and yes-I expect myself to respect agreements I make with them).

It's clear you aren't happy about the poly dynamic.
But I concur with the other poster, this is about YOU AND HIM. It's not about her.
She may be a bad influence-I know all about those-feel free to browse my posts regarding the TERRIBLE scenarios my husband managed to get into.

But-the bottom line is that we ALL have the right to choose and he is choosing that influence and he's choosing his actions.
Which suck.

His responsibility. Not hers.
He has a responsibility to uphold any and all agreements he makes. If he fails to do that-that's on him REGARDLESS of influence.
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