Mind twisting. Am I being too sensitive?
If you could offer an opinion or two on our situation, I'd appreciate you more than you'd know. You're wonderful even to have the site up with all the resources. My mind is just racing. I promise I'll make it brief. I think I really just need help with better relationship rules.
I'm 43 and wired primarily as monogamous, however I have been in the BDSM community for over 20 years. Seven months ago, I started dating a 20-year old who is poly. Her 26 year-old sister is in a loving Poly/Monog relationship and S (that's my significant other's name) has seen a good example of such a relationship working out with them (Her parents are divorced and her father is a twisted hot mess, which I'm sure factors in somehow.).
I was coming out of a previous, short bdsm relationship...not even a relationship, just a few play sessions ending naturally. She had a BDSM daddy who lived long distance, but who was cool with her being poly. We met through a local BDSM club and connected instantly in so many ways.
Our first date lasted 3 days and still today we say we understand each other in a way no one else can. Over time, she began to move things into my house, though her mantra was always that "she didn't like relationships." She just wanted to be "deep friends who have sex." The girl is a model by trade and I am a lawyer with my own business. Not bad looking if I do say so. And she says so too. She's always goosing me and tells me how hot I am once in awhile. Only awhile because how many times is overkill?
Eventually she was staying over for weeks at a time. We used the "L" word and I was there for her in meaningful ways. (She has had several major stressful life events and I've been better than her medicine to calm her down she says.) We made plans about house improvements, though she always reminded me that she would still be dating other people. Our dynamic was one of Papa and babygirl, cuddling and very cutesy, but also including sex.
Months later, the honeymoon wore off and we were just as deep into each other, but the sex highly tapered off. I asked if it was me and she said no, it was that she didn't have to impress me with sex anymore as she did other men. I voiced that sex was still important to me. We've always had sex at least once per month, though I'd rather have sex more. Shocker. One night we hadn't had sex in a month, but she went on a date where she had sex with someone she'd just met and when she came home I told her how much that felt terrible. She agreed and said she knew that it wasn't right to have been putting me off for so long then turn around and do that.
To complicate things, I invited her sister and sister's fiance to come live with me. They are genuinely cool people. The house became a sleepover/clubhouse and it still is. Recently though (last month or so) she has had an anxiety attack about how close we are and has shuffled between living at home with her parents, as she had before, and living at my house in my bed with at least half of her stuff at my house.
Her future is uncertain because model work is slow in these parts and college or retail isn't something she sees in her future. She really doesn't have to because she's got a safety net at home with her mom and stepdad who aren't going to kick her out anytime soon.
I've been very helpful by helping her stock the materials for a home cosmetics business that she makes herself. She's absolutely a genius. In lots of ways I've helped her progress and she's thanked me for it in a very paternal way. Of course, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I thought it might help in the sexual arena. Not prostitution, just appreciation in the currency that means something to me. I often make grand gestures like going out at 6:30 a.m. for hot cocoa and breakfast in the bone cold or buying her clothes sometimes. Perhaps I'm just smitten, but she's not a gold digger because a) she feels bad when I buy things b) she tells me I dont have to buy her a thing and c) she's stayed with me when I was scrounging for change and was a broke as a joke.
Also, she's ADD to the Nth degree. She's always on her phone, blogging on tumblr about fashion...and working profiles for 5 or 6 dating apps. And constantly texting. We butted heads over that and come up with some rules about not doing that while we are on dates out of the house. That's a good one. But the flip side is that when we're at home and she's bored, she's got her feet and head on my lap, but texting someone else or making plans with someone else. It really hurts to know that while she's been in the den with me and being lovey-dovey, she's texted some guy across the country that she was daydreaming about cuddling with him. WHILE she's cuddling with ME.
Again, let me stress...she constantly tells me she loves me. She playfully digs a hole in my chest and dives in. She loves wrapping up in a big ol' ball on the couch and naked spooning in my bed. We have a short hand for I love you that she mouths all the time and I mouth back.
On the other hand, she's had dates and sex with a few guys in the last month. I've even driven her to dates and helped her get ready. I'm trying to be the best friend and enabler of her adventures (somewhat), but I don't want to be a cuckold. She's said that her usual m.o. is to hit it and quit it, but that I am special because she's lasted so long with me and loves me. Heck her family took me in for Christmas as I have no family and it was amazing. They cooked for me and bought me great presents, but more importantly made an ornament for me on the tree and consult me about family decisions.
That text about cuddling...along with the fact that she Snapchats (instant, temporary picture sending) this guy in the morning and in the evening (most nights), is making me go crazy. I GET that she should be able to text friends/lovers. And she tells me so much how she loves me and would never replace me. Yet my mind churns. I've communicated some, but she had a valid point about the fact that she is going to love other people someday. And this other guy is out in California, which she has no money to travel to. (Not that perhaps she couldn't save or he could pay for it. But that's afield, right?)
Every time she goes on a new date, the fear of being replaced looms, even though she says that could never happen. I dont want to be clingy. I know I should probably suck things up and toughen my skin. Could I just get some feedback on texting/phone usage as well as divided attention?
I've read a lot of pages on this forum, but I would really appreciate some direct insight into what your best guess would be for a healthy set up for phone usage and boredom. Couples of my generation can watch tv together and don't instantly go to their phone for stimulation (as much). HELP!!!!
Thanks so much in advance.
|limits, rules for living, rules-based relationships, texting on dates|