New to this and dealing with jealousy

[ak2381]

KT,
I don't know how I was fortunate enough to come across you but I am glad I have. It is like reading a biography right now. My husband has always been a flirtatious one. And apparently he has cheated on me in the past without me knowing. These were all one night stands. I found out about his coworker on accident. She was more than a one night stand this time. I was never suppose to know about her. But I found out and when everything, including past women, came out I had to make a decision. I had to decide if with all of this my marriage was worth fighting for. The thought of ending a nearly 15 year relationship with someone I loved so very much made me sick to my stomach. More sick than knowing about what he had done. When we talked everything out a few weeks ago I realized how important this was to him and how much he needed to take on this lifestyle but didn't want to loose me in the process. So I agreed. And it has been very very hard for me.
I have had many talks with him and her. She and I have become friends. But I can only talk to her to an extent. Because otherwise she creates a bit of a dramatic situation about how she is only putting me through pain and yet she loves him so much. I know she is beginning to love my husband more than her own, although I don't think she would leave hers unless something happened to my marriage. She has even thrown out the thought that if she and my husband worked and I stayed home with all the kids, we would have such a happy life. I very quickly put a stop on that one. I am the wife and mother and also have a job. I am not her nanny. I have my own daughter to take care of.
I do participate in threesomes with them sometimes. But that does not change how I feel about how hard this is on me. I still hate that they love each other. I really hate that she loves him more than her own husband, but like i said I don't believe she will do anything about that.
I didn't know myself all those years ago. Neither did he. But here we are trying to adapt to a new lifestyle.
You said you don't feel like you have a choice. I have had people tell me on here that you do. And I know that is true. But when you choose this, it doesn't mean it is the easy choice, just because it may be the right one.
I find it very easy to get angry at the little things that I know we will make for in the end. I hold back on alot of the serious issues because I am so afraid that we won't make it through those conversations. I have cried more in the past two months than our entire marriage. And yet somehow we are coming out stronger than we have been in about five years. Amazing how that works huh?
KT I am here if you need someone to lean on as well. I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. But I am glad to know that I am not alone, especially being a mono on a poly site. I came here in search for some understanding myself. I have gotten alot and I have done much on the suggested reading lists. I just have to keep researching in hopes to finding answers to my anger and insecurity issues.
Also, I am sorry for piggy backing on your thread here, it is just so similar to my own situation.

[EugenePoet]

Not too long ago one of the GFs of my lady love's husband decided that because she was really in love that she would be moving in with them.

I was on the outside of these events but I talked about it with the wife during some of our dates -- it was an ongoing topic for a few weeks. It seems that the GF had constructed her own version of the relationship based on what she wanted, and not so much on things as they really existed.

That's not uncommon, right? We seldom know everything about a situation, and we all fill in information that we're missing by intuition and guesswork. And we're likely to do it with a certain amount of unconscious personal bias.

So to defuse those faulty assumptions someone had to tell the GF: No, you are not marrying into the couple and moving into our home. That is not and never was one of the possibilities.

KatTails, it sounds like your husbands GF may have made some assumptions that need to be corrected.

The couple I'm involved with has kept their polyamory secret from their family, and my lady love explained that very clearly during our courtship. KatTails, I suspect that someone is going to need to have a similar frank talk with your husbands GF. It's absolutely your call as a couple as to what you reveal to whom, and when. It doesn't matter how other couples do it, except as possible examples: what matters is what you and your husband decide.

When it comes to you and your family, she needs to abide by the boundaries you guys set. Somebody needs to talk to her and help her understand that.

[KatTails]

ak - I'm glad that I've "met" you too. It's hard when you feel that no one understands what you're going through. Don't worry about the piggybacking - we're all here to help. I am sorry for the pain you went through with your husband cheating - I can imagine how incredibly painful that was to go through. You are amazingly strong to have been able to forgive him and move on. I'm glad that he is being honest about his feelings now and that you two are moving on and trying to make it work - that's what's important.

Originally Posted by ak2381

I have cried more in the past two months than our entire marriage. And yet somehow we are coming out stronger than we have been in about five years. Amazing how that works huh?

I have said the same thing again and again. In my entire life - I have not cried as much as I have for the past year. It's been extremely hard and overwhelmingly painful to go through. With that said, my husband and I have said many times that this has brought us so much closer together. In the past, we have taken each other for granted and now have a new appreciation for each other and a stronger resolve to keep our marriage together. It sounds crazy - but it's true. We are in this for life and no matter what we go through - we know we will be okay.

My husbands girlfriend has a similiar marriage that yours does. She loves him and has decided to stay with him for the sake of their kids. However, she loves my husband more and I have no doubt that if our marriage ended, so would hers. Her relationship with my husband made her realize that her marriage was not what she thought it was. My husband treats her better than hers does - no wonder she fell so hard. I think that she was starved for attention and love and my husband gives that to her. Like I said, they fell in love fast and hard. But that does not take away from the love he has for me. Our love is tried and true - we trust each other explicitly and without doubt.

And yes, we all have choices - I choose to stay in my marriage. I choose to learn to accept and adapt to this poly lifestyle my husband needs. I choose to research and learn all that I can about polyamory, jealousy, resentment and to find ways to cope and to be supportive for my husband. However, if my husband would have told me 19 years ago when we met, that he was poly - I would not have made the same choice. The 19 years we have been together, the history, the trust, the love, the committment is why I am choosing to stay. It doesn't mean I have to like or embrace everything about this, issues will come up, decisions will have to be made - but we will do it together.

I have learned that I have to focus on the time that him and I are together and make it the best I can. I want to be the wife he needs and wants. I try not to let him see me cry and I am relying on myself to feel better when I do. If I'm angry about something, I talk to a friend about it so I don't burden him with it. I know that I can talk to him about anything - but some things just aren't worth fighting over. I really do have to pick my battles. I have no control over what happens between them and I shouldn't waste time worrying about it. It's not always easy - but so far it's working. Instead of melting down when they had their overnight date last week, I kept myself busy, focused on the positives of our marriage and made sure that when he came home that he came home to a clean house and happy kids and wife. I want him to WANT to come home. Those are the things I can control.

Hang in their ak2381 - and if you need to talk or vent - I'm here. We are strong, we are loved and we will be okay! Goodnight.

[ak2381]

Originally Posted by KatTails

ak - I am sorry for the pain you went through with your husband cheating - I can imagine how incredibly painful that was to go through. You are amazingly strong to have been able to forgive him and move on. I'm glad that he is being honest about his feelings now and that you two are moving on and trying to make it work - that's what's important.

The cheating happened over a course of about three years. One of them was with a girl that I had deep hating feelings towards and did indeed try to talk him into leaving me. Even dared to say that she would make a better mother for my daughter as she chased him. It didn't take long for that to end. The pain is from that it happened in the first place. There were others but that was the worst one. But we have come so far from where we were.

I understand taking each other for granted. My husband and I got to the point where we were just going through the motions of marriage. Just had the assumption that we were loving each other. Then the shit hit the roof when I found his text from his coworker that day. It started out with him admitting what was happening with her. And within a two week spand we talked so much that he confronted me about the other women. I always kind of knew about the girl I hated, we will call her L. But he always denied when I would ask in the past. But when this roomate of his brother was constantly calling and texting him and was a bit of a bitch if I picked up the phone, you know there is something there. And I had nothing to prove otherwise.

My husband and I are doing amazing now. I loose it on a regular basis because I know I have so much hurt built up. But I don't do it on purpose and I try so hard to make this easy for him because I know he isn't trying to hurt me. I have done alot of reading to find the root of my jealousy and try to understand where my fears are coming from. Last night we sat outside on our porch and watched a thunderstorm as we talked about some of the articles I have read up on in the last couple of days. I tell him what I can and I know he tries to understand but I don't think he ever fully will. I have no interest in finding someone else. And even though he has a girlfriend he fears I will find someone else. I am constantly reassuring him that there is no one in the picture right now and probably won't be for a long time if ever. If there is I will come to him first and if he can't handle it at the time then that is that. This is not meant to be a revenge thing. We can't ever go to someone else out of anger or revenge.

I have to admit I have had some harsh feelings towards men at the beginning. It feels like that is all they want in my family. Other women. My grandfather, my dad, my husband, my sister's boyfriend. I am surrounded by it and it is hard to see men in a good light. No offense guys.

I think through alot of research I found that right now my biggest fears are loosing him as him loving her or someone else more. Her loving him more proves that is possible. And that would kill me. My other fear is the common not feeling like I am enough or inadequate and what did i do wrong. I am trying very hard to understand these and push past them.

That is my rant for now. LOL. I am sure there is more later. He is suppose to meet up with J tonight or tomorrow night, his coworker. L has not been in the picture for a very long time. She still tries to text him now and again and it is very hard to believe him when he says he doesn't contact her back but I am trying. J at least I can say I am friends with and has her own family to go back to. I think if I ever saw L again I might slug her though, I am bad. I guess we wiill see how well I am doing after he goes to J.
Thanks everyone.

[KatTails]

Originally Posted by ak2381

I think through alot of research I found that right now my biggest fears are loosing him as him loving her or someone else more. Her loving him more proves that is possible. And that would kill me. My other fear is the common not feeling like I am enough or inadequate and what did i do wrong. I am trying very hard to understand these and push past them.

ak - I think that I have pinpointed that these are also the fears I am having that are causing the jealousy. For a while, while I knew on one hand that he loved me and was committed to me for life, I did worry that they fell in love so quickly and deeply that it would grow and he would leave me. I can say for absolute 100% certainty that that is not anything I have to worry about. I know that he will never leave me and that he plans on being with me forever. I am worried that he finds her more sexy, more sensual than I am. I do have low self esteem that I am trying to work on. While she is older than me and about the same weight as I am - she has TONS of self confidence and that is what he finds attractive and loves about her. They have a lot in common that him and I don't - and that also causes me to be jealous. She will send him sexy pictures of herself (at weak moments I looked at his cell phone - he knows and I have not done it in a long time) and that really makes me self conscious! She posted a really good looking picture of herself on Facebook this week - and I cried when I saw it. She is very good looking and does take very sensual, sexy pictures of herself. I personally think I am ugly and that there is nothing sexy about me - that makes it hard. I know I have to stop thinking that way - I just keep telling myself that my husband finds me attractive and sexy and that is all that matters. I am trying to not focus or obsess about what she does or can do for him. I am not her - and he loves me for me. I just try to make him happy the ways I know how. It's extremely hard to not compare myself to her. He says all the time that it's not a competition - but I do feel like it is. How do you stop feeling like that?

Does your husband look at these forums or read up on polyamory? My husband does and I think that helps him see that what I am feeling is not completely crazy. It is out of character for me, but not uncommon in this type of situation. He has also said he would read some of the books I bought on this subject. The more I try to understand his point of view and the more he tries to understand mine - the better off we will be.

Our big issue now is that his girlfriend wants more of a committment from him. She has a big decision to make in her marriage and doesn't want to make it if she isn't sure he is committed to her for the long run. The amount that I want her involved in our lives are different than what they both want. Hopefully with the help of our counselor we will be able to come to a compromise. I feel that I have compromised by doing what I can to accept this and by allowing him the freedom to have a girlfriend. Why is that not enough for them? It's hard when they both want things one way and I want them another. It is going to take a lot of communication and time to figure this out.

Is there anyone who had this same situation and if so, how did you handle it? EugenePoet - thanks for your take on this. The problem is that he wants her to be a bigger part of his life too, but he understands that it has to be taken slowly and that it can't happen until I am 100% ok with it.

Thanks! Kat

[GroundedSpirit]

[QUOTE=KatTails;25736]

Originally Posted by ak2381

..................
She is very good looking and does take very sensual, sexy pictures of herself. I personally think I am ugly and that there is nothing sexy about me - that makes it hard. I know I have to stop thinking that way - I just keep telling myself that my husband finds me attractive and sexy and that is all that matters. I am trying to not focus or obsess about what she does or can do for him. I am not her - and he loves me for me. I just try to make him happy the ways I know how. It's extremely hard to not compare myself to her. He says all the time that it's not a competition - but I do feel like it is. How do you stop feeling like that?

Hey Kat,

This is all so painful and difficult. You just wish you could reach out and make it all better.

But in regards to the "competition" and how you "stop feeling like that" it might help if you viewed the conflict from a perspective of being a mindless puppet ! Because that's how modern society and the media treat us. As mindless drones ready for programming !
And most of this pain, competition etc is a testament to their success !

So how do you break it ?
Maybe get fed up with being their mindless puppet and make a conscious choice that you will think (and react) to situations based on the TRUE facts in front of you as opposed to the lies and half truths you've been fed. It's a quest for independence and self definition.

The only way I know...........
But it IS a leap !

GS

[ak2381]

Originally Posted by KatTails

I am worried that he finds her more sexy, more sensual than I am. I do have low self esteem that I am trying to work on.

I have that problem as well. I know I feel inferior to her in bed. She has the excitement of being more experienced that me and poly herself so she can bring some things to sex that I can't. My husband is at least honest enough to say that it isn't that she is better but that we both have our strong points. She is very kinky and likes the whole being dommed thing which is all very exciting.

Originally Posted by KatTails

It's extremely hard to not compare myself to her. He says all the time that it's not a competition - but I do feel like it is. How do you stop feeling like that?

I don't know how you stop feeling competitive. I am constantly feeling like I have to step up my game to keep up with them. I have made myself try things in the bedroom lately that I would have never dreamed just so I can feel as fun as her. Not that I have hated the experimentation. LOL. Some of it has actually been rather fun. But that doesn't always help me feel like I am constantly being compared myself. She is actually a year older than me and a little heavier but not big. I workout 5 to 6 times a week so my body is pretty fit. But she is more successful than me and sexier in a more fun kind of way. I have often felt like the boring wife left at home while he goes out and has his fun. One of the things that I have snapped about more than once and blown up about.

Originally Posted by KatTails

Does your husband look at these forums or read up on polyamory? My husband does and I think that helps him see that what I am feeling is not completely crazy.

I blew up over something so mediocre this past weekend that has nothing to do with her. It was just all the hurt boiling at the surface ready to attack anything that might happen. When I finally collected myself we both realized I couldn't keep going at this alone. I was on here at the very beginning of all this trying to understand a little. then I stopped my reading. Instead I hid from everything just wanting all the pain and anger to go away. If I pretended it didn't exist I would be fine. I could live with barely holding it together by the seams.
But I can't. I can't do this alone. So I started reading again. This time he has been reading with me to help us both understand and so that he can learn the kind of patience he needs with me. I know he gets frustrated that I am not being ok as fast as he would like. I am as well. But we are both striving to make it work.

As for her moving faster than what you would like I wish I could help you. No one knows of our situation except his brothers. And I am not particularly happy that they know. I don't want to judgement or the critical remarks. I am dealing with enough as it is. And she knows that. I told them in the beginning that if they want this to be ok with me then there needs to be a limit somewhere. She is a girlfriend. Not another wife and will remain that way. I now that she overwhelmingly loves him and would love to make this a threeway marriage but she knows I would never allow it. I have to have some comfort level. They have already asked me to give up my beliefs of a mono/mono marriage as well as privacy and security that I am the only one in my husbands life. The least they can do is leave me my home life to fall back on.
My husband thankfully has not asked for more and I don't think he will. She already has four kids and is looking adopt more. I think that seems a little much for him to take on, especialy with he and I talking about expanding our own family once we move past this. And to take those kids away from a loving father is something we won't do either.

Sometimes I wish this thing had a chat box or room instead of just a forum...

[dagypsy]

I am also new to this word. I'm still hung up on 'cheating', jealousy, envy, lack of understanding... I don't want to leave my SO. I love him. He loves me. And i just don't understand how polyamory works. How do you not feel not good enough, how do you not feel compared? How do you live only being part of half of his life? I feel demoted. I am facing the first weekend with him away with the other woman and I am already freaking out. I'm real curious to know how other people deal with this. It is eating me alive.

[ak2381]

I deal with it with constant talking and communication. Did he ask you if it was ok and if you were ready for this step of him leaving for an entire weekend? That seems to me like it is a bit rushed to be gone for so long. This site has also been a huge help.

[KatTails]

dagypsy - I understand when you say you feel demoted. We have been together for 19 years and that is exactly how I feel. I sometimes feel like the boring wife he has to come home to and she is the fun, exciting, sexy one. The way my husband tried explaining it to me at the beginning was, sure, it's fun to go on vacation and stay at a fancy hotel for a few nights because it different and new. But after a few days, you are ready to go back to the comfort and security of your home, your bed. I am his home. This is where he will always come back to. It's taken me a while to believe it - but I finally do.

I agree with ak2381 - it does seem like a little soon to be going away for the weekend. Has he had any overnights with her first or is he jumping right into a weekend? We have been in this situation for a year and so far my husband and his girlfriend have had 2 overnights and a few daytime dates. They are talking about a weekend away - but they aren't rushing it. Overnights are hard enough - but they are good baby steps. The first overnight he had with her, I cried when he left, I cried when he was gone, I cried during the night while I slept hugging his pillow, I cried the next morning when I woke up to an empty bed for the first time, I cried when he came home and I cried off and on for the next day or so. This last time they had an overnight - we had fantastic, kinky sex the night before, I hugged and kissed him before he left, I kept myself busy while he was gone and I gave him a big hug when he came home. There was ZERO crying this time around! I'm not sure if I am quite ready for a weekend yet - but I know it's inevitable.

My best advice, if he isn't willing to postpone this weekend trip until you are a little more emotionally stable and able to understand the situation, is to keep yourself BUSY, BUSY, BUSY! You can't sit home and cry the whole time like I did - it sucks and does nothing to change the situation.

As for cheating etc, I don't see this as cheating, as my husband has been upfront and honest from day one. It would be much worse if he was sneaking around behind my back and lying to me about where he is going. I always know when they are together, though I don't want any specific information. The key is honesty, openess, trust and communication.

Hang in there - freaking out is normal, but will ease with time. You are not alone!

Kat