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  #51  
Old 01-08-2014, 02:42 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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I agree with IP here. Actions scream much louder than intent.

If you can do it without wanting to throw up on your shoes, I recommend tossing out the next email and then immediately emptying the trash. Done, gone, no reading. Let the "I'm gonna hork up my lunch" feeling pass and see how it feels. Better? Worse? Then move on from there.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops (previously 'P'): My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena (previously M1): Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa (previously AG): Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
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  #52  
Old 01-08-2014, 03:13 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
If you can do it without wanting to throw up on your shoes, I recommend tossing out the next email and then immediately emptying the trash.
Almost all modern email systems allow you to set up rules that will do just that, and you only have to be strong once to set up the rule.
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  #53  
Old 01-09-2014, 12:42 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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Thank you guys so much for all the support and advice. It is so appreciated and all of you are right.

IP, I think you make excellent points. I have been very weak in this case. I have been able to distance myself from some friends in the past few years. And finally begin to consult people about how I feel.

IP- I love how your assessments are so right, but not judging. I am going to continue to distance myself from him. I actually did see him. It was nice, but not sexual at all. I do not want that anymore. I was really conflicted (as I said) about seeing him, and it helped remove some of the mythology or what my mind had built up. And yet, this morning, I awoke totally anxious and sick!

I am generally a happy person. LOL. I use the blog as sort of a journaling for my difficulty. So, it seems like I'm a mess, but I'm relatively stable. I just feel like I'm always having intense growing experiences.

I keep thinking I should tell my kid not to make friends until he is 40! I made friends very early and have kept them for a long time and what I know now that I didn't is how profoundly I would shift. How unhealthy my early relationships were. And (obviously) some continue to be not healthy. But I did pick my husband! I have been thinking that over a lot. The relationship is flawed -as many are - but he's a pretty unconditional loving person and really there for me. When I chose him, I knew all this. I also knew that due to this there was a lack of a strong sexual attraction. But, I was also reading a great new book that describes how women in particular are not geared toward monogamy -- just a theory! I am so lucky that we decided to be poly.

My friend doesn't have the same issues. He is deeply unhappy and so is his wife (from the sounds of it). I just pray that some day he can open up to be who he really is. He's getting older. But this DID happen with my husband. Him "coming out" to his parents at age 43 was huge!
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  #54  
Old 01-09-2014, 12:43 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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I really appreciate all the support and advice. If I can help you guys back in anyway - let me know. You are really adding to my strength.

You are here - that is also excellent advice. I think I can easily get trapped in compulsion and the internet is a particularly hard thing for me. I miss the days of the telephone being the only connection sometimes!

Last edited by bofish; 01-09-2014 at 12:46 AM.
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  #55  
Old 01-09-2014, 01:10 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by bofish View Post
I love the idea of the structure.

...

I have asked him numerous times for a pause. But he's not willing to do it. I know he's an okay guy. I don't think he;s purposefully disrespecting me. But I do think he has a need he's not acknowledging.

So, practically, what do I do when I'm compelled to "check trash?" When I'm compelled to respond. Are you as close to your people now as you were or want to be?
I'm glad you found the idea helpful. I hope it, or some variation of less contact, is helpful to you.

It doesn't matter if he is unwilling to do it. That's not his decision to make. It is very disturbing to me that he does not respect this very basic boundary. He is disrespecting you - it matters little if it is on 'purpose' or not. Intent can matter but results are what tells. If he treats you like he doesn't respect you, then he doesn't respect you.

Also, just because someone has a need doesn't mean you have to fill it. I'm sure he has all sorts of needs. We all do. Some needs are subconscious. But still - So what? Even if he were fully conscious of those needs, and told you all about them in great detail, that does not make you responsible for his needs.

Other folks have mentioned some great ideas for filters and such that delete email right away. Take advantage of modernity!

And, actually, yes I am now close to both SW and Beaker. It took time and work, even after I started being in contact with them again. Taking a long break from contact with them did help greatly by giving me the time to get my own head on straight.

Good luck. You can handle this - however you decide to do so.
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  #56  
Old 01-12-2014, 11:14 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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You don't seem like a mess at all. Just a person like the rest of us who's looking to live the best life that they can.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
I keep thinking I should tell my kid not to make friends until he is 40! I made friends very early and have kept them for a long time and what I know now that I didn't is how profoundly I would shift. How unhealthy my early relationships were.
I'm not convinced that us as individuals changing is what makes relationships unhealthy. I would guess that the unhealthy relationships have always been that way and that the change in you is what made you see that.

I have several very long term relationships - lasting since childhood and they are all healthy. For sure all of us have changed over the years and so have our friendships but these people are all good for me to be around and fun to spend time with. I wouldn't be without them.


Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
But I did pick my husband! I have been thinking that over a lot. The relationship is flawed -as many are - but he's a pretty unconditional loving person and really there for me. When I chose him, I knew all this. I also knew that due to this there was a lack of a strong sexual attraction.
I'm interested in your statement that because your husband is a loving, kind person, you would lack sexual attraction for him?

Maybe that's something to explore further? I find myself more attracted to kind, loving people not less. I have no desire for sexual or any other kind of relationship with people who are not that way.
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  #57  
Old 01-12-2014, 11:30 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I had to read from the beginning, and I love your blog. I will be following it with great interest. The others have given excellent advice, so I hope 2014 is off to a great start for you. I look forward to reading more from you. xo

Ry
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Lizzy formerly known as Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
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  #58  
Old 01-29-2014, 08:34 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Haven't Posted in awhile/nasty private messges

Hello there! I haven't posted in awhile; I have been trying to avoid the net. I wanted to share a private message someone here send me; just for the sake of showing what misunderstandings can happen ; NK wrote

---
Two things - stop acting like everyone hates you because you're "disabled", and stop using your "disability" as an excuse to not be a better person.

Every time someone tries to reach out to you, you shut them down.

I plan to ignore you from now on.

Have a day. :|


----
This person also wrote me saying I have a "loveless marriage" and I should stop moaning. I wonder what makes this person so upset?

I hope I don't shut don't people who reach out... people like GalaGirl, OP, Bookbug, London, and even Daferi have given me great advice and love. As an update, part of the reasons for my not writing is that hearing I need to get over my married guy was hard to take. But it was right. We have not been in contact for two weeks and I feel great.

In not sure what NK means by I "use" my disability to be a better person. I'm actually a really GOOD person who gives money and helps people all the time. My writings on disability (while not popular) are at their core to help people with disabilities gain respect and equality. I may sound jaded from time to time or bitchy - but that just comes from the struggle - the struggle of being turned down for jobs and called retarded and so on. But, I am imperfect. I loved a man who cheated. I get jealous of my husband's girlfriend. I am human. People on the list do things that horrify me...they vote dates, they are controlling,. but I don't send them nasty emails. Everyone is doing the best they can.

Honestly, and this has happened many times, when I write about being happy with my disability and not wanting to be different, the biggest backlash comes from those who are struggling with their own perception of their own disability that the have yet to disclose. I talk about my disability a lot because it informs who I am, who I fuck, and who I date or don't date. To not write about it would be rejecting part of my life that is fundamental. and something people have not heard before....I more than realize that not all disabled people see it my way - when a person GETS a disability their entire world is shattered and they are suffering. But that is the story we commonly here. There is room for al stories.
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  #59  
Old 01-30-2014, 07:26 AM
london london is offline
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I'm meant to be the huge cunt on here. Who is trying to oust me?
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  #60  
Old 01-31-2014, 05:30 AM
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JnR JnR is offline
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Hi there! Just wanted to say thank you for your wonderful blog, it has been refreshing and interesting to read this evening. I am sitting at home while husband is out with his GF and well, I guess feeling a little sorry for myself haha I too am having troubles meeting someone to share myself with. You appear to be an amazingly strong woman and it doesn't appear to me that you are 'using' your disability as an excuse, I think you embrace it quite well! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences, I look forward to reading more of your blog.
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