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Old 01-08-2014, 04:21 AM
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ColorsWolf ColorsWolf is offline
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Default Why hide?~

I just don't understand why it seems like many people at least on these forums make some kind of effort to hide their multiple relationships.~

I understand that some times the relationships some one might be involved can be complicated to explain, but I don't think one must explain their relationships to any degree other than that which they choose to.~

In other words: you don't have to explain all of your relationships to every person and when you do feel like explaining you can explain as little or as much as much you like, I don't understand why so many on these forums seem they would rather lie or avoid telling the truth about their relationships.~

Is this similar to the fear of being a homosexual and telling some one, who doesn't seem to have had any experience nor knowledge of homosexuals, that you are indeed a homosexual, the fear stemming from the fact that you do not know how they may react to this information?~

I'm very intrigued by this subject and I've been wondering about this for awhile now.~

Sincerely,

ColorsWolf
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  #2  
Old 01-08-2014, 04:44 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default Exactly

You answered your own question Because sometimes it IS complicated. And you have to lie about it. Just because the relationship is worth more than the pride of "having" a girlfriend or husband. I was very happy with my girlfriend, but she was married, and going public would have caused serious issues. It would have cost me in my job, and in hers. And it would have been nice to be able to have been able to show him off in public, like others do in their husbands or wives or whatever. But it was just pride.

But you're right in that it's easier not to outright lie. I just tell very little of the truth, in a way that makes people think there's nothing deeper. And that suits me.
  #3  
Old 01-08-2014, 04:54 AM
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It should be pretty easy to figure out. There are a lot of people out there who act vindictively when others do something they disagree with, and that can include violence or harassment. It's a safety issue. When you've gained some more life experience, maybe you will understand.
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  #4  
Old 01-08-2014, 05:46 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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In general you seem like you answered your own question but don't realize you did. Could flip the order of your sentences. (Edits mine.)
  • I understand that some times the relationships some one might be involved can be complicated to explain.
  • I don't think one must explain their relationships to any degree other than that which they choose to.
  • (I see that there could be) fear stemming from the fact that you do not know how they may react to this information. (Cannot control other people's behavior.)
  • I just don't understand why it seems like many people at least on these forums make some kind of effort to hide (not explain) their multiple relationships.

I think you seem to get WHY. But maybe you mean the HOW of it. Like... what does telling a LIE do for them? You don't have to tell the world everything but why do lies of omission?

In that sense you are right. Don't have to lie. Could just tell inquiring person something like "Thank you for your concern. In this case you do not need to concern yourself for my sake. This topic is not up for discussion" or "Thanks for your concern but I'm not up for talking about that right now. How about we talk about ____?" Tactfully change the subject.

IME, I find polyshipping easier at the bookends of life -- young adulthood for instance. Or older adulthood. This bit in the middle with parenting is hard enough to me without adding polyshipping relationships to the mix. If they weren't there already before kids came along, I'm not up for building them once kids are here. So... I wait.

Easier to me to wait when kids grow up and out and more of my time is free of parenting obligations.

But I can see why some parents with children who polyship might be reticent to reveal. It is risk.

Other disapproving relatives could try to take custody of the kids because they think polyshipping is bad somehow and create merry hell for the family in question. Or some other hooha thing -- people taking it out on the kids, losing job security, hate crimes (ranging from vandalism of your property to physical assault for being different) -- the world and people in it is not always lovely.

If all parties involved are on board with WHY they choose to fly under the radar and they are happy to do so, that's their business. *shrug*

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-08-2014 at 05:52 AM.
  #5  
Old 01-08-2014, 06:08 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
It should be pretty easy to figure out. There are a lot of people out there who act vindictively when others do something they disagree with, and that can include violence or harassment. It's a safety issue. When you've gained some more life experience, maybe you will understand.
This I came out as poly on a Mom message board. I got dozens of nasty messages saying I was a horrible mother. That I was damaging my children and CPS should take my children. If they knew where I lived they would report me. That I was a skank and a slut and Murf must be some sort of a degenerate.

When you get some experience in the world you will understand more .
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  #6  
Old 01-08-2014, 06:28 AM
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ColorsWolf ColorsWolf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
It should be pretty easy to figure out. There are a lot of people out there who act vindictively when others do something they disagree with, and that can include violence or harassment. It's a safety issue. When you've gained some more life experience, maybe you will understand.
I understand, I just wanted more clarification and some kind of confirmation of my thinking of this issue.~

Do not presume to know me.~

I have been through many situations where I have been persecuted both legally and illegally, physically and mentally, emotionally and definitely spiritually, all because of who I am and the opinions that are my own.~

I used to be the kind of person to be docile, submissive, withdrawn, and fearful of every thing: what people thought of me, what they might do to me, what they did do to me, what they might do to me again, but I got to a point in my life where I said, "No." I was tired of being beaten, being bullied, being framed for things I didn't do, all because I "let" it happen: I allowed people to do these things to me, I realize that now, I have power over my own life.~

We may not have the ability to control all of the circumstances we find ourselves in, but we always have the power to choose how we react to them, in order to "do" some thing, you must CHOOSE to do it.~

Finally what my point is: I am not the kind of person I used to be, I don't want to be like that again, I stand up for myself now, I may still be afraid some times, but Courage is not the absence of Fear, it is the realization that some thing is more important than Fear and striving forward even with that Fear present.~

Other people may choose to do as they please, but I refuse to be forced by my fear of some one's potential reaction to who I am to lie or to avoid telling the truth.~

If I feel like telling some one about my relationships and to what extent, that's my choice: please do not presume to even guess that similar experiences that have occurred to you occurring to me will make me any thing like you or any one else.~

I am my own person and I have my own thoughts as is every one person.~
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Love yourself, you are beautiful!~ ^_^

*Believe in yourself, you can do anything*!~ ^_^

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  #7  
Old 01-08-2014, 08:01 AM
london london is offline
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When you have a job with a good character clause, something like kink or polyamory or an affair can cause you to lose your job. You'd then lose your home and your children's home. Schools like to be in their student's business. They have to be to efficiently safeguard children in their care. A child whose parent had lost their home and job would be put on a special list within the school for children at risk of bad stuff. The staff member in charge of these kids could find out that mummy lost her job because she is poly/kinky. Staff member feels that this information points to more signs of possible neglect and refers to social services. Now your kids, at the very least, are monitored by social services. Worst case scenario Is them being removed from your custody.
  #8  
Old 01-08-2014, 01:01 PM
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While I may be willing to take the heat myself if I were to reveal poly to a disapproving person - and I generally have no compunctions about revealing to people who have become trusted friends - when I was involved with a couple with children, I was not willing to do something that could result in harm to the children: them being asked questions they wouldn't know how to answer by their friends, the neighbors not permitting their children to play with ours, the risk of someone notifying social services.

There is a difference between being satisfied with yourself and who you are, and sharing that with trusted individuals, and setting yourself up for all kinds of unnecessary grief because you shared more than you needed to.
  #9  
Old 01-08-2014, 02:06 PM
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Not presuming anything about anyone. I simply made a statement of fact - with life experience comes the eventual ability to recognize who will fuck us over or cause us harm. And most people will choose the safer path, especially if they care about others in their lives and not just themselves. For some people, it is appropriate to take a stance or fight back. Others have to very carefully choose their battles. It isn't fair or kind to judge those who must hide for their own safety. And keep in mind that there are plenty of people who strongly feel that their private life is nobody else's business, plain and simple, so they have a right to choose who knows what about them. Nothing wrong with that.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-08-2014 at 02:10 PM.
  #10  
Old 01-08-2014, 02:40 PM
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Having come out of adversity able to better stand up for yourself and handle conflict is a good thing. However, when other people are involved, it gets trickier. Do you fight back when it will impact not only your life, but the lives of those you love? When that fight causes your partners and your children hardship?

It's no longer about you at that point.

My partner is open about who he is. I choose to not lie, but not shout our relationship style from the rooftops. I'd prefer to let my relatives, for instance, get to know the person he is before they judge him for a relationship style that is "hurtful". Maybe that will help, maybe not. Dunno.

As for work, some coworkers know and others don't. It's more of a matter of "need to know" and reluctance to have the style of relationship I'm in suddenly have me seen in a more sexual light around the workplace. Mono relationships don't get thought about, really. Mention "poly" and now everyone's jumping in the sack with everyone else (a common misconception) and I get sideways glances at the workplace. Not cool and not acceptable.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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