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  #41  
Old 01-06-2014, 05:06 PM
london london is offline
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I find it rather difficult to believe. I mean, we have David Blunkett and people are more than aware of the numerous blind musicians that there are. I don't believe that the average person thinks that a blind person is cognitively disadvantaged.
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  #42  
Old 01-06-2014, 05:14 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Blind

Yes, London, I forgot about all the blind musicians. Although the article is based on direct experience. Given, much of it is in "third world" countries. Having a mass to pray for a blind baby's death? That is just chilling - and actually goes against the teachings of the Church.

I find this line The United States has one of the lowest rates of visual impairment in the world, and yet blindness is still among the most feared physical afflictions. Even in this country, the blind are perceived as a people apart.


VERY DISTURBING.

London, I know people respect blind musicians - but this is sort of the "super crip" model,. If you are disabled and can prove you have some sort of genius, you are given a pass. Ordinnary disabled and blind people do not get that pass.
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  #43  
Old 01-06-2014, 05:34 PM
london london is offline
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I don't find it particularly surprising that people fear blindness more than other disabilities. I don't agree that the majority of people think that blind people don't understand ie are below normal intelligence. That was my point about the MP and musicians. People know that blind people might be blind and cognitively impaired but they don't mistake blindness for a cognitive impairment. They don't think that because you are blind, you must have below average intelligence.
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  #44  
Old 01-06-2014, 05:53 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Blindness

I see where you are coming from - but I read the article differently. Although it mentioned education and cognitive ability - I don't think whether the average person thinks a blind person is "smart" was the primary point. The primary point I got (although it could be just my reading) is that most people think of blind people and distinctly the "other" and I do believe this is true. In Europe it could be different. But in the US is has not been my experience that blind people are regarded as functional capable people who happen to not see.

Blind people discuss this all the time. They are just going to work and they are physically grabbed by a well meaning stranger. Somene on the poly site here in fact expressed anger when he did this to a blind person and they were angry.

I have no doubt that this comes from the desire to help. But it also shows a deep belief that a person who is blind is not capable to get from point A to point B, which is just ridiculous.

I am very honest here to a fault. I myself, am afraid to become blind or Deaf or use a wheelchair. I admit that. But there is a distinction between saying you fear something and not looking at someone with that disability as a capable person or an equal citizen. I may fear being blind, but that doesn't mean I have to believe blind people aren't capable and worthy of respect - of life in some cases. Hell, I'm terrified of MEN.
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  #45  
Old 01-07-2014, 10:56 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Send Advice PLEASE

I know we're not supposed to ask for advice in the blog section, but I don't want cloud up the advice section - and maybe I need to just write this out more than anything else.

I have been going back and forth for awhile trying to come to a resolution with someone I met a year and half ago. This person was married (and cheating). It was only my second poly relationship and it's no excuse I know, but I decided to become involfved with him. We had a brief sexual relationship and then continued in a somewhat emotional affair/friendship. Last summer, I got mad at him for continuing to look for women online. Not only was I jealous and hurt, but by this time, I felt solidly a friend and tried to approach it from an angle of this isn't good for you. Needless to say, it didn't go over well. I felt frustrated, angry, and jealous.

Since, then has been a process of trying to let go. I feel he is neither friend to me (isn't open and consistent) nor is he lover. I sometimes feel like I am "in love" with this man, and while he is special to me, I think it's more of a fixation, wanting what I can't have, trying to control things perhaps. I am definitely working through some abandonment issues with this person. This is getting too long, so I'll just to the 'adcie".

I have been trying to mourn this person. But he keeps coming back. He always emails. I have a hard time mourning him when he won't go away. I also have a hard, impossible time, ignoring him. I have blocked him, in all aspects, but he still emails. Now he wants to get together. The compulsion part desires to go - and I think I will. But he wants to get together tomorrow or Friday. I have plans tomorrow. I am sick of getting stuck in the emotion of waiting around for him. I am so frustrated with my own inability to be strong and ignore and reject him. What am I hoping to get out of this meeting? I am hoping that he will finally open up and we can be better friends. Maybe I'm hoping that seeing him will dispel some of the mythology and I will get over my pinning...

Has anyone been in this situation?
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  #46  
Old 01-07-2014, 11:01 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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I feel like BOTH of us are at the same point. Neither of us wants to go through the mourning process. The process of not having someone in your life.

I heard a great talk about this in meditation last night. my teacher feels that it is fundamental to go through all the stages of mourning in order to move forward. I think I am "stalled" in my mourning because of trauma at an early age and then a mess of people dying in my forties. I think at a certain point, my entire body and soul just said, I'm not going to fucking moron anymore - so I lost the capability to do it. Ironically. I would get through this if this person would just go away for awhile but he won't' and I am put in the impossible position of making the boundary.
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  #47  
Old 01-07-2014, 11:46 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Since you asked...

I suggest the 40 days process. NovemberRain wrote about it here some time ago and I have used it with both SW and Beaker.

You (and him too even if he won't admit it) need time apart to let go, to mourn, to start the process of moving on.

No contact at all in any form for 40 days. No texts, no phone calls, no meeting, no emails, no social media.

After 40 days, if you want to be in contact again, you can.

I explicitly said what I was doing with SW and Beaker. I told them I'm not contacting you at all for 40 days. Don't contact me in any way. I don't hate you and I am not cutting you out of my life forever. They respected my wishes and left me alone until I reached out to them.

It's hard at first, especially if one is not sure if one wants to let go. But I've found it absolutely invaluable. I would not be in a good a place now as I am with SW and Beaker. I'm good friends with my ex-wife and SW has become another good friend. Without taking that time, I doubt things would have gone as smoothly and as well.

You are not rejecting anyone. Just taking time to start letting go of the old and beginning the foundation of something new. (That process will continue after the 40 days - it's a jump start not a complete solution.) You can be in each other's lives afterwards. But I feel strongly that a break is essential if you want to do this in a healthy way.

He can still be special to you. This break is not about reducing his specialness. It's about creating a healthy way to acknowledge his place in your life and your emotions, while recognizing that his presence is also problematic.

This is not impossible. Hard, yes. But it is well within your capability.
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  #48  
Old 01-07-2014, 11:58 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default YES, I did ask!

Yes, I did ask. And I am so very grateful for the support.

I love the idea of the structure.

We have no social media contact. Phone nor text are not an issue. The primary issue is the email. I have blocked chat and even put his emails in the trash - but I check the trash and it starts all over again.

I have asked him numerous times for a pause. But he's not willing to do it. I know he's an okay guy. I don't think he;s purposefully disrespecting me. But I do think he has a need he's not acknowledging.

So, practically, what do I do when I'm compelled to "check trash?" When I'm compelled to respond. Are you as close to your people now as you were or want to be?

I'm so frustrated. I have been on countless dates and hook-ups but keep getting stuck back here.
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  #49  
Old 01-07-2014, 11:59 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default How do you tell..

when someone is just acting out your childhood issues or if you really love each other? Silly question, I know.
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  #50  
Old 01-08-2014, 07:55 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Since you asked.

You have been wonderfully honest about the struggles you experience in finding positive relationships (whether friendships or romances). You've talked a bit about your tendency to allow people into your life who don't treat you well. This is a habit that you have, for very understandable reasons, developed over the course of your lifetime. Like all habits, simply understanding that they don't serve us well isn't enough to stop them.

My view on romantic relationships is that they are particularly difficult in this regard because of the way lots of people in the West are socialised. We are taught from a very young age that romantic relationships should be difficult. There should be an adversity to overcome before the lovers can live "happily ever after." It starts in childhood with fairy tales and goes on into adulthood as the plot of many books and films. So the notion of being parted painfully and then dramatically coming back together is, I think, embedded in many people's mind as a model for how relationships should be.

Sex, in my opinion, makes this tendency stronger. Sex floods our bodies with mind altering chemicals. Some of that just makes us crave more of it. Some of it is about bonding with the person we've just had sex with.

In light of all of that, I'm not surprised that you are finding it difficult to move on from this relationship.

But to me, your 'ex' doesn't sound like a good person to be having a relationship with. I have no doubt that he is a lovely guy with many wonderful qualities. None of that makes him a good prospect for being a supportive and compassionate friend or lover.

The red flags for me are:

1. He has shown that he is willing to lie to and cheat on somebody who he has a significant relationship with (his wife). So there is pretty strong evidence that he is likely to lie and cheat to get things that he wants. Not good traits for friends or lovers IMO.

2. He is unable to take no for an answer. You have asked him to stop contacting you and he is refusing to do that. For me, this is a red flag of massive proportions. Your 'ex' is showing you repeatedly that he will not listen to you. What you want doesn't matter and isn't relevant to him.

I doubt if he's doing it deliberately to be horrible but he is doing it. His motivation isn't relevant, his actions are.

For the moment, you guys aren't even really friends and he still can't listen to you. I can only imagine that will get a lot worse if you restart a friendship or a sexual relationship with him.

From what you've written, the fact that you are even thinking about seeing somebody who has repeatedly shown such poor behaviour toward his friends and loves, makes it look to me as if this is just part of your lifelong habit of allowing people into your life who treat you badly.

If I were you, I would continue with ignoring him totally. And concentrate on finding other interests to spend time and energy on.

I wish you well,

IP
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