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  #171  
Old 01-04-2014, 04:28 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post

Have you ever just asked him point blank: "You have three women in your life now and don't enjoy dating, so why do you want more?"
I didn't ask this per se, but a month or so ago, I did mention what a busy year he's had with all this dating, whereas the first year we were together he didnt date anyone beside me, and miss p.

His answer was, all these people, the guy, C, Mischa and now Buddhist, contacted him first. I guess he just can't resist when someone new wants to hook up... Curiosity. And he has a v high sex drive, of course. Likes variety.

I always feel like I want to pull back when he tries to get with someone new. I take it as a personal insult. Like, my feelings about what he's doing don't matter to him, I "over process," according to him.

Oh, besides being a so-called Buddhist, she's also a so-called sub and already has a so-called Dom. I just gather these scraps of info about her, it's like pulling teeth.
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me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #172  
Old 01-04-2014, 04:37 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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What kind of dynamic is there between his wife and him? Are they more like very close, best friends who are fine with the other doing whatever (or whoever) they want?
Well... They both have Asperger's and so do their 2 sons. They both need a lot of space. His wife R is more Aspie than Ginger. She needs her routines. They take a walk every morning and read a book out loud every evening; they call it "stories" altho it's usually non fiction.

Otherwise, they do household errands and chores together. They love each other but never say it. R has an extremely low sex drive and they only have sex 3 or 4 times a year. Ginger of course, has a high sex drive and I am sure that is partly why they are poly. R doesn't date others, never has.

A few years ago, when both their sons were in college, Ginger wanted to travel cross country with R, which had been their plan at one point. But she no longer wanted to. So, after some heated discussions, off he went on his own in his VW Eurovan. Finding women to date and bed along the way. All R cared about was that there was plenty of firewood cut to heat the house.

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Oh, and there is a big difference between "unattached" and "detached," I think.
Yeah, I feel like he is asking me to be detached from what he does with or feels for Buddhist.

Gah, sometimes I hate men. Damn them and their muscles and cocks, and beards and testosterone, and hairy cuddly chests and arms.

Sometimes I just hate people in general. And hate life as well.

This will pass....


OOOMMM... (said sarcastically)
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #173  
Old 01-04-2014, 10:16 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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It sounds to me like you're dating a man with Asperger's, who is behaving like someone on the spectrum. He doesn't connect to people the way that you do and probably finds the Buddist's philosophy similar to how he experiences connecting with partners. I know that is hard for you to accept, but I don't think it even occurs to him to give you some of the things you want (such as information about this woman).
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  #174  
Old 01-04-2014, 11:02 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Yes, it can be extremely frustrating sometimes.

... Occurs to me, when *I* have a prospective person to date, he's got all kinds of questions for *me* about that person, my feelings for him, plans we are making for first date!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #175  
Old 01-04-2014, 11:25 PM
london london is offline
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A little while ago I got really stressed out because I had all these fun, casual relationships that I felt I had to maintain simply because... It's hard to explain... It felt like because I am poly and these particular people hadn't done anything wrong, I had to sort of keep seeing them. I'd agree to a first date with someone compatible, have fun but know it won't be anything long term but agree to a second date because I'd think that we could have something positive even if we wouldn't be super entangled. It didn't occur to me that in order for us to have this something, it's going to take resources that I can't spare.

It was only when I realised that it was causing me to be unhappy and stressed because I wasn't able to spend the amount of time I wanted to with the people I had the deepest bond because I felt this burdensome obligation.

I had to take a deep breath and mentally prioritise my relationships so they became manageable and I had the me time I require. Yeah, it takes willpower and it is still annoying when you have to pass up casual stuff you know will be fun, but I ultimately want more entangled relationships so I have to structure my life in a way that allows space to form and maintain them.

As well as the lack of resources to maintain the relationships, the constant interaction with different people, different communication styles etc was hell from an autistic perspective. I became hypersensitive to noise and touch. The extent of how it affected me only became evident with hindsight.
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  #176  
Old 01-05-2014, 06:47 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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You sound really frustrated with yourself and I don't think that there is any need. It seem to me like it is perfectly reasonable to be bothered when somebody close is starting up a new and potentially important relationship. These things take time to build and as there is only so much time in a day, spending time building something with a new person might (might not, of course) mean less time for the more established relationship.

It's how you deal with it that matters I think. You always seem to be relaxed, happy and committed to dealing with any problems in a constructive way. So I think you will ultimately be fine.

I just hate to hear of you beating yourself up for not being fine right now.

I hope that life seems more normal for you soon.

IP
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  #177  
Old 01-05-2014, 01:31 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it.

I talked to Ginger last night. His date with Buddhist went really well.

It was a lovely day out in the snow, skiing around, then he showed her around his main house and his cabin.

Then, yeah, sexy time. Sounds like a major makeout and "petting" session. In fact, she was rarin' to go all the way! He put the brakes on. He told me he didn't feel ready, they hadn't even had the safer sex talk yet.

So much for her being shy.

And this morning just now.... we chatted and he's still all pumped and happy. He also "wants, almost needs" to see me and hold me and, I guess, reassure me of his affection.

He is in a classic state of NRE, ecstasy tinged with anxiety. Worry I am OK. Worry about whether Buddhist really likes him enough to fit him into her life.

How do I feel? Not good. I feel like a sister wife, it feels Biblical. Patriarchal. Yuck, I feel sick to my stomach. I don't feel special. Just one of a harem, one more hole for his seed.

Doesn't help I am a typical Leo and this hurts my pride.

I think he wants to come over this morning. Basketball game tonight he would like to watch on our new big projector HDTV, but they are calling for freezing rain starting this aft, and the game is at 7.

I'm sure he wants to make passionate love to me, partly to make me feel good, but no doubt he's all horny from Buddhist, and so I get the leftovers from that. Typical poly stuff.

At least he's verbalizing the events of yesterday and talking about our emotions, instead of this pseudo-Buddhist "unattached" crap of yesterday.

So, he went off to get breakfast and have his morning walk... said he'd chat me later.

Last night after I heard how wonderful his date was, miss p and I just cuddled on the couch miserably for a while, then I went to bed early, exhausted.

Too bad my feelings around this, and his feelings, are so disparate. I don't want to rain on his parade too much! But I do want to be honest about my feelings too.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #178  
Old 01-05-2014, 01:35 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Oh, and tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary of our first date. It's obvious that hasn't even occurred to him.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #179  
Old 01-06-2014, 06:35 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Oh, and tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary of our first date. It's obvious that hasn't even occurred to him.
I'm sorry that you are feeling this way... but to be fair that would never occur to a LOT of people! (Me for instance ) - in 21+ years of marriage I have managed to remember our wedding anniversary before the day was over...twice? a half-dozen times? (at, maybe, 11:58 PM - usually while I'm not home)?

(PS. luckily no-one, except maybe Lotus, pays attention to dates...so it doesn't really matter... Dude and I "made up" and anniversary - at the two-ish year mark - just so we could say we had one!)

(PPS. we don't really do birthdays either...so it's fairly consistent! I can't ever remember my Dad's actual birthday even yet...and I'm trying.)
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 01-06-2014 at 06:41 AM.
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  #180  
Old 01-06-2014, 07:50 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Oh, and tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary of our first date. It's obvious that hasn't even occurred to him.
Remind him. Suggest doing something together. Dates are not meaningful to me particularly either. After 40 years on the planet, I still can't remember my mum's birthday. Or the birthday of any of my nephews.

Beyond knowing it was sometime in the summer of 2010, I couldn't say when the anniversary is of my partner and I meeting again for the first time.

IP

P.S. I meant it when I said that I have the utmost confidence in your ability to deal with this well. You are one of the people on this board who fill me with hope with your writings. You care about your loves and want them to be happy (in fact, you care about people in general) and you are intentional about the life you lead - so, I think that the things are in place that will allow you to find a way to deal with this well.
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