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  #161  
Old 09-20-2013, 03:24 PM
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Time for an update. I posted specifically about the herpes issue in a separate thread.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=55975

Ginger has not dated C since their first little meet and greet. He says he's been too busy and plus, his allergies to ragweed have been hitting him big-time.

So, one less thing for me to worry about. I'm taking a big break from trying to date anyone new. Too much going on, and I am out of time and emotional resources to care to take on anyone new, with all their fucking problems! At this point I just feel like I don't ever want another bf or gf. Ugh! Having a potential try to kill himself has really done a number on me.

miss p is still IMing with SB, and now this new guy, who is something of a Dom, is trying to get with her. She likes him but is putting him off because of us being so busy. No plans to meet with SB again anytime soon either, afaik.

Ginger had his 2nd date, first sleepover, with Mischa a couple days ago, and as I said in the linked thread, there was not much in the way of sexy time. Talking about her herpes, holding her as she cried about her infections and her loss of 3 relationships over the summer, sounds like most of their date.

Even though he's super sexual with me, Ginger is fine with having less sexual relationships with others. He's maintained long term relationships where there was little to no sex. So, he'd be OK with carrying on asexually with Mischa, doing snuggling only. But he told me she may not be fine with that, herself. She works one day a week 1/2 hr away from him, so *could* come spend the night once a week, if she didnt have any other commitments that evening. But they didn't plan a subsequent date the other day. She's kind of in rebound mode from her recent breakups with the other 3 guys. Plus trying to figure out this damn herpes thing.

Please can I have just one week with no one having major crises to deal with here?

My dear sister is flying up from Fla to spend a few days with us, see the new house and town. She gets here Monday. And in other non poly news, I got a lead on a new childcare job and will be working for them next Thursday, hours after my sister leaves. Ah, normal life, non poly, just living. Enough with all these "lovers" and their suicides and herpes! Sheesh!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #162  
Old 09-22-2013, 01:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Enough with all these "lovers" and their suicides and herpes! Sheesh!
I want to put this quote in a screenplay.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #163  
Old 10-30-2013, 07:11 PM
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Been a while since I updated. miss pixi had some drama in her work situation that was extremely stressful, her emotions got all out of whack, and that even led to her back going out. Therapy and meds and a lot of angst for weeks on end. It's finally dealt with and for the last week or so she has been feeling better and not needing so much support and caretaking.

So now we are back to more frequent sex, she can cook for me again, work on her website job, do house projects, hobbies, and some fun dates. Yay!

In news with Ginger, all his other potentials have fallen through for one reason or another, so nothing to be dealt with or talked about or scheduled for on that side. He's got a wife, we share his time, that's that.

We go hiking, dancing, work on household projects together, and now that basketball season is about to start, he can use my TV to watch, since he doesn't have cable.

I still find myself completely uninterested in dating anyone besides my two current loves.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #164  
Old 10-31-2013, 03:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I still find myself completely uninterested in dating anyone besides my two current loves.
Sounds wonderful!!! Thanks for sharing!!
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  #165  
Old 12-13-2013, 03:01 PM
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I hadn't had a date or even anyone interesting PM me on OKC since July. Finally one guy stood out from the okc crowd. Most messages I get are boring: "hi," or gross: some form of "i want to fuck u," but this guy took the time to read my profile and write in a way that indicated we shared some interests. A few PMs led to him asking for my yahoo chat ID, we had 2 chats, he asked me out, we set a tentative day/time for that 10 days hence. He seemed nice, cute, stable, well employed, a 50 year old divorced father of 2 college age girls. Intelligent and a good speller and flirty.

Then he stopped talking to me. A couple times he IMed me when I was away from keyboard and signed off before I saw it. Finally I checked OKC and saw he'd been on there earlier in the day... so I PMed him asking where he was.

He responded with a PM and finally chatted me when I was online, only to say he was really busy at work and with a major household project and had to postpone our date.

Sigh... I've lost what little interest I had in him. We are only a 70% match, he lives 25 miles away. I am so over "dating," that if he's making it difficult this early on to meet or even cyberly communicate, I just don't have the energy.

In other poly news, since miss pixi is feeling so good these days, her libido is quite high. I have been out working a couple of nights when Ginger has come over to watch basketball on our big screen TV... and he and miss p have had their first two one-on-one sexy times-- cuddling and groping during the game and more focused sex during halftime.

In one way, I am so glad they are enjoying each other without me there in the mix. OTOH, it really does throw me to come home from work and find them entangled on the couch, sexy glows on their faces, most clothing gone from their bodies.

I am not jealous. They both give me plenty of quality time and attention of all kinds. I keep trying to analyze why I feel uneasy at their sexual relationship. Maybe because miss p has so often rejected me sexually. Well, she's kept Ginger at arm's length plenty of times too.

Maybe it's as simple as seeing them together goes against my mono programming... It's just so... ODD to come home and find my 2 lovers/partners in a clinch. And they always hug so sensuously and kiss when Ginger arrives and leaves.

Ginger isn't good at talking about his feelings, being a guy and Aspie to boot. He mostly prefers to support me with touch, hugs, kisses, cuddles, sex. miss p, however, has reassured me verbally with her honesty around her feelings for him, her desire for him, her feelings for me. She said out of the blue the other day, after having had Ginger sexually the night before, regarding his sexuality: "Ginger really is irresistible, isn't he? How does he do it? Is it some mystical pagan power?" I know, I feel his power too, and I love it.

I think I just need to adjust to this "new normal." It's so different from how I've lived my life before. Sometimes I wish I had 2 separate relationships, and these 2 didn't feel attracted and do sex together. I am not a voyeur so I don't "get off" on seeing them touching and kissing each other.

miss p seems to have a touch of NRE for Ginger and vice versa. And both their dating pools are small. She has a physical disability and is pre op transgender. Ginger is 61 and poly/married and definitely an all around "alternative" sort of guy. So I don't feel I should begrudge them finding each other and playing together and becoming closer.

None of this is me complaining, per se. Just a vent to see if it helps me adjust to this new normal.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 12-13-2013 at 03:03 PM.
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  #166  
Old 01-04-2014, 02:32 PM
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I've been with my miss pixi 5 years and I do not get jealous when she's talking to someone else online, or actually meets someone and starts a relationship. I just find it cute.

But Ginger, oh boy. When he's with someone else I do get jealous! I just overthink it every time, feel angry he is poly and needs more more more.

It's so odd! I love that he's experienced at poly. He's married and been with his wife over 20 years, and I am not jealous of them. But when he dates someone new, my emotions get all stirred up, even though, rationally, I have no reason to fear.

I've been with him 2 years. From the start, he and miss pixi have been attracted and flirty and we've had 3ways probably 6 or 7 times. Also, they kiss and hug and cuddle a lot, pretty much every time he comes over.

The last 3some we had (on New Year's Eve) was the first time (in 2 years!) I didn't feel all jealous and dissatisfied when I thought it over the morning after. This stuff takes practice! What helped me, I think, was that we all know each others' needs and preferences now. In times past, I would be left hanging and not feeling like I'd had enough orgasms because Ginger would be so excited to have miss pixi in the mix, they'd get it on, I'd be somewhat involved but not really, and then they'd be done and I'd either have to lie there quivering and unfulfilled, or have to *ask* for someone to help me out, and resent having to ask, because that made me feel like they weren't thinking of ME, just each other. I know, I know, one needs to speak up, but god, why would they be so selfish? I had to hammer this home with both of them...

This recent time, Ginger and I had sex privately first, then we all cuddled and watched a movie, then when it was over, they started making out, so I left the room for a while to give them space.... eventually coming back in, watching, and then touching them both some, fingering, stroking, oral. Once they were done, both of them took turns getting me off some more. That seemed to be key. I didn't need to ask, for once! "Hey, over here! Horny woman watching her 2 loves getting it on got turned on and needs to cum!"

miss p got me off a few times, fingering and spanking me, and then she left the room and Ginger was turned on again from what she did to me, so he and I played some more. Once we finally ramped down, miss p came back in and we all watched some more TV and cuddled some more. It was just nice! Even the next morning I had no uneasy thoughts or jealousies.

BUT---
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #167  
Old 01-04-2014, 02:43 PM
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This year, Ginger had dated, or attempted to date, 3 people, and now there's a 4th! So, get this, he's married, he has me as a gf, he has miss p as a FWB (for lack of a better term), he's dated 2 women (one date with one, no sparks, 2-3 dates w a woman with herpes, who dumped him when he was unable to deal with dating a person with active lesions), tried to get together with a man (first time he tried to date a guy even tho he's always felt bi), but the guy "got lost" for both their dates and they never hooked up.

Now, he's got yet another woman on the line. They had one date, she acted lukewarm, she's newly divorced and on OKC. She is getting deluged with messages, she has 2 bfs already, and then she messaged Ginger. Greedy!

On their date she'd just come from an overnight with one of her bfs. She acted standoffish and shy and was not flirty. Ginger made it sound boring.

However somehow they've kept chatting online and trying to make a second date happen. So, now, a few wks after their first date, she's finally coming to his place to go xcountry skiing on his property... sigh. I am jealous again.

The guy has 3 women in his life already. Does he really need a 4th, for goodness sake? Apparently he does, or at least wants it. Why is it so hard for me to match my emotions to my rational understandings? Why can't I just think of this as Ginger doing a hobby, or having a friend, or a little adventure? Why do I feel so threatened? I know he won't dump me, I know he'll be with me soon and give me love and attention and bring me joy.

Ugh. I feel so stupid sometimes.

I asked him today if he is excited. He said, yes, and stupidly jumpy, and he "hates the initial stuff." In other words, he's not a NRE junkie. So, why does he do this?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #168  
Old 01-04-2014, 04:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
So, why does he do this?
Because he can?

As you know very well, dating doesn't often lead to an actual relationship, so it will take more than a few tries with several people for any dating to go that way, if that's what he wants. Since he hates the initial dating part, but is willing to go through that stuff, it would seem he is open to another relationship happening. However, it might not be that he has an urgent need for another partner, but simply enjoys the fact that he has the freedom to explore or pursue if he wants to. Probably keeps his OKC profile up just to see what it brings him. So, when an opportunity presents itself (herself, himself), maybe he just thinks, "why not see what happens?" He has that kind of free-spirit-open-to-possibility personality, right? Or maybe he gets bored easily and thrives when he has many varied relationships in his life to keep him occupied, stimulated, and entertained. And he knows he can't be with you all the time, or his wife, or miss pixi.

I would also say that, ironically, he probably feels secure enough in his relationships with his wife, you, and miss p, that he can look to see who else he might click with. If it were me in your situation, I would probably just want to make sure I am not taken for granted or expected not to have a reaction, though I don't think he would intentionally do that.

Have you ever just asked him point blank: "You have three women in your life now and don't enjoy dating, so why do you want more?"
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 01-04-2014 at 04:09 PM.
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  #169  
Old 01-04-2014, 04:20 PM
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Thanks, Cindie. What you say makes sense. "Because I can." That's it.

Yeah, it's not that I feel taken for granted, it's just that he won't friggin tell me what's going on. It's not that he's hiding anything, he said just now he "doesn't need to process" as much as I do.

So maddening.

His new interest is a Buddhist. (Let's call her Buddhist as a nickname.) So, she's "not attached" and now Ginger is acting like I should be unattached as well, to any outcome or anything happening at all, with her, or between us because of her.

Screw that! I need to know what the hell is going on with this man who is important to me. I should just ignore it? Excuse me. Being unattached sounds, to me, like a cop out way of saying, I'm gonna do what I want and pretend I don't want security and a bond with people. I'm going to go with the flow and not inform others of what I am doing or feeling because, "I don't need to 'over-process.' "

Apparently, Buddhist is unattached. So, now Ginger, the pagan, is all of a sudden unattached as well? And I am supposed to be unattached too? Just like, "Whatever dude. Talk to you sometime." Hm, I never pretended to be Buddhist.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #170  
Old 01-04-2014, 04:27 PM
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What kind of dynamic is there between his wife and him? Are they more like very close, best friends who are fine with the other doing whatever (or whoever) they want?

Oh, and there is a big difference between "unattached" and "detached," I think.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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