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  #11  
Old 01-02-2014, 11:42 PM
LadyMoon LadyMoon is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post


We ALL screw up. Every single one of us. So by all means; please don't think I was coming down on you! Not at all!
Just giving you some food for thought on how you could proceed in the future.
Oh no I didn't think that at all. In fact I appreciate the advice. That is why I came here. You are doing exactly what I need. This is all just so new to me, I thank you and everyone else who has given me some help on how to deal with all of this.
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  #12  
Old 01-03-2014, 01:47 AM
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BigGuy BigGuy is offline
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If your BF is anything like me, my first inclination is to "fix" things.

It sounds like to me that he was trying to fix the situation. It has taken many conversations twith my wife and daughter for me to understand that sometimes they don't want things to be fixed. Many times they just want me to empathize. I can never figure out what they want from me, i. e. a solution or sympathetic ear, so often I have to ask. But that's only after many years of training.

If your BF is like me, he's going to be pretty dense about knowing what you're looking for in these types of conversations. You may have to explain it in simple terms that while you appreciate what he's trying to do when trying to cheer you up, but that cheering up isn't what you need. That what you need is someone to commiserate with you, to experience and validate your feelings. To let you feel what you're feeling without trying to fix them.

Be patient with him. It's hard to see someone you love go through turmoil. It's natural to want to do what you can to alleviate it. You may have to tell him many times that yiu don't want to be fixed, just to be heard.
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  #13  
Old 01-03-2014, 01:52 PM
LadyMoon LadyMoon is offline
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Thanks Big Guy. I didn't even tell him the topic of the fight, I just told him that we were fighting. One of the agreements we made getting into this was we must stay out of each other's fights. A fight between me and hubby is a fight between me and hubby, a fight between me and boyfriend is a fight between me and boyfriend. He didn't push on the what are you fighting about issue, or anything like that, he was just trying to make me smile is all.

It's the kind of guy he is, he likes to see people smile and laugh. He is a bit of a goof ball and that is why I fell in love with him way back when and why I feel back in love with him now.

I have since had a talk with him and told him that he does just need to give me a chance to be mad from time to time. I know that is going to be hard for him cause that is the kind of guy he is.
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  #14  
Old 01-03-2014, 02:25 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Originally Posted by LadyMoon View Post
One of the agreements we made getting into this was we must stay out of each other's fights.
This is a very good and healthy agreement. Me and my guys did not make an agreement about this, but they both are very good at not interfering in my fights with the other. They might ask what it is that I am upset about but they keep their opinions to themselves.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyMoon View Post
I have since had a talk with him and told him that he does just need to give me a chance to be mad from time to time. I know that is going to be hard for him cause that is the kind of guy he is.
This is an interpersonal skill that will benefit him in the future, if he can learn it. You won't be the only person that needs to be able to experience all possible emotions in his presence.
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Last edited by Nadya; 01-03-2014 at 04:05 PM.
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  #15  
Old 01-03-2014, 03:35 PM
LadyMoon LadyMoon is offline
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Yes we are still very much in the make the rules process, but slowly but surely we are starting to get an understanding going. Yes I told BF that DH and I were arguing, he did not even ask what the fight was. He kept to that end of the rules very well. He just wanted me to cheer up and I just wasn't in the mood. I do know that I should have said something but I didn't. Since the talk he said he will try his best to follow that, but giving his personality I know this will be hard for him. I guess we are all under one great big learning curve.
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  #16  
Old 01-03-2014, 04:05 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Right now I hear "Don't try to make me laugh when I am mad."

vs

"Don't try to make me laugh when I am mad. (what not to do). Say ____ instead to me. (what to do.)"

Could be easier on both if you told him both examples of behavior TO do and behavior NOT do.

It is a process. You will get there. Hang in there.

Galagirl
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  #17  
Old 01-03-2014, 04:25 PM
LadyMoon LadyMoon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Right now I hear "Don't try to make me laugh when I am mad."

vs

"Don't try to make me laugh when I am mad. (what not to do). Say ____ instead to me. (what to do.)"

Could be easier on both if you told him both examples of behavior TO do and behavior NOT do.

It is a process. You will get there. Hang in there.

Galagirl
That is good advice and I might just try that. At least he respected my feelings and the rule on lets stay our of each other's fights, which is a good start. Since he is the newcomer to the relationship and DH and I have been married for 12 years and are both set in our ways of dealing with each other, we felt it very important to set up that rule. The fact that he backed off on that is a very good start. And this was the first time that this had come up. I guess we will have to make up more rules as we go along and situations like this come up.
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