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  #541  
Old 01-03-2014, 12:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
BUT-I have known for 20 years that he is A) a procrastinator and B) so low key he doesn't tend to respond quickly to ANYTHING.
Another thing I noticed about my husband, who does similar stuff. When he feels distanced from me, he allows himself to get too caught up with other stuff until that in and of itself creates even more distance and now we just have a vicious circle. He doesn't see that a problem is brewing until things are ready to blow up in his face (no matter how many times I've said something) and by then he is so entrenched, he can't find away to fix it. Thinking on small gradual scale is torturous for him, he likes it either all or nothing and nothing usually wins. He also thinks that it's enough that he's thinking about how to change things and I don't need to be privy to that, which just pisses me off since I think he is ignoring the whole situation. If he has just shared with me his thought process, we might have been able to break through what ever road block was in the way.

Good Luck!
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  #542  
Old 01-03-2014, 04:42 AM
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God that "thinking" thing makes me crazy!
It's so totally ok to think about it-but AT LEAST TELL ME that you are thinking about it! Give me periodic updates for crying out loud! I'm not a damn mind reader! :P

I am POINTEDLY teaching Sweet Pea this skill-so he doesn't have a problem understanding why his woman or women or what the hell ever NEED HIM TO SAY WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON instead of just thinking it over in his head!
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  #543  
Old 01-03-2014, 07:14 PM
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Well-that went well.
GG and I went for a drive, down to the coffee shop, I bought him a coffee and myself a chai tea. Then we returned to the van because the relationship topic was a bit too personal for the coffee shop.
He opened with saying he understood why I pulled back, apologizing for not upholding his responsibility to make time for us and asking to know what exactly my boundaries are at the moment, because he doesn't know "how far back" I've pulled.
We talked about that and clarified some of the issues with his job. He acknowledged that in choosing to take a job that he knew in advance was going to push and push and push-that he choose to put himself in the position of having to put his foot down OR let them walk through his life and push everyone and everything else out. Including me.

It wasn't an easy conversation. It doesn't solve everything.
But we are at least both on the same page of understanding where we are today.
Tomorrow is another day.
We'll see how things go from here.
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  #544  
Old 01-03-2014, 07:46 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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Hi LR

I think I understand where GG may be coming from on this. My BF is very much like him in some aspects. From what you have written of him elsewhere, he is a very "service" oriented person, correct? He likes having a task to fulfill, something to do for you? He always wants you to be happy, and wants you to tell him what will make you happy?

My BF is service oriented also. He is beside himself when he can do things for me like change the oil in my car, rub my shoulders for an hour (yes, an HOUR), or the like. If I were to just tell him to figure it out on his own, he would freak out. He would feel lost and without a direction to go in. Now, he is an adult and pretty self sufficient in most ways, but when it comes to romantic relationships, if he does not feel like he is meeting his partners needs, his self esteem is totally shot.

I completely understand where you are coming from too, I have felt much the same. (I dont always want to TELL him what to do for me, I sometimes want him to surprise me or think of it on HIS OWN. right?) We DO want to be in relationships with adults and not children who always need direction...

What if you were able to write down, on index cards or something, some ideas of things you would like? And he could have access to them and choose from them, without you knowing what it was? He would have a sense of direction, and you would get your service without having to order it up? I recently discussed this option with both of my guys in relation to meeting some sexual needs and we are looking forward to seeing how that works for us (both my guys are tops but not really doms, and so in order for me to be able to really "sub" to them, they need instructions but I need to not know what they are doing, i.e.- no "recipe"...) You could tell him to choose one of those things once a week?

Also, like you have said, there has been no drama for you guys recently. He may not really know HOW to be in relationship when there are no "issues" to be dealt with. You have been married with Maca a long time and GG has not been married to anyone? He might just not know...

I dont know if any of this is helpful at all, but I wish you all love for the new year. Thank you for sharing your story with us. As always, it is good to know how people are "really" doing poly on a daily basis...

Willow
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  #545  
Old 01-03-2014, 09:58 PM
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It's funny that you mention that.
I did give him a list, in July. I put one item per line on a sheet of paper and he tacked it to his wall.

The real problem is, that while he is very much service oriented, his job has taken all of his time. Meaning; no time to do anything. He knows it. HE feels like shit because HE isn't putting in any time DOING anything for me.

One of the things that I told him last night is that he needs to claim his choices. He has a million explanations for why this that or the other thing. But the bottom line is-it IS his choice.
Taking this job was his choice. We discussed it in depth before hand-and I told him then, what I saw as potential problems, starting with his difficulty in facing conflict and their demanding his time. He wanted to prove he could manage it. But-he cant. He admitted that yesterday, that he just can't manage it.
He was really twisted up inside because he realized that he was making excuses instead of making choices and claiming them. It makes a HUGE difference in how we can manage complications in life; whether we claim them as our own or we blame them on someone else.
He was putting all of the onus on others.
"they want.." "They said.." "they need". But he wasn't taking responsibility for "I want, I need, I choose".

Anyway-like I said, I don't know where it will go from here. He still has the same job. He still has to figure out if he's going to quit that job and do something else or he's going to put his foot down or he's going to keep going along as it's been.
I'm not going to alter my course without seeing actions. Words are just words. I've heard them before.
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  #546  
Old 01-03-2014, 11:53 PM
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Sounds like progress, even if changes come at astronomically slow speed.
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  #547  
Old 01-04-2014, 01:22 AM
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My Leo says all the time that each day is "a brand new day.". Drives me crazy sometimes. lol However, it's true. Here's hoping that in the morning he will decide to make his life his own instead of being a tool picked up and discarded at will while everything important to him floats away. I'm cheering for both of you!
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  #548  
Old 01-05-2014, 10:35 PM
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Maca and I had a date night Friday. First one since July when I went to Kodiak to see him.
He brought up dating. What he wanted to address, was where he is compared to where he was when last the topic was on the table.
Basically; the interest is renewed for him. But he doesn't feel like it is a good time to act on it. He is ready to converse about the possibility. But thinks that there is too much going on, with him just returning and trying to re-settle into "family life", school, him out of work, etc to take on any new *potential* drama. He also said ilye really feels winter isn't the prime time to embark on anything *new* in light of my depression issues.
He wants to start going out to play pool and darts once a week, which will get him out in a social environment and potential for meeting people in general. Then possibly consider opening himself up for dates in April or May.
He is very determined to not rush headlong into the unknown again, having recognized that it tends to create some hefty consequences that he doesn't like.

Overall; I was simply impressed at the amount of forethought and consideration he put into it. Quite the change from when he was just trying to "get even".
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  #549  
Old 01-06-2014, 09:26 AM
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Why is dating viewed as "potential drama"? Dating and having relationships is meant to be a positive, uplifting experience. Not a negative burden. I would start thinking of ways you guys can reframe dating so it feels like less turmoil. Perhaps looking at how you guys date other people would be a start.
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  #550  
Old 01-07-2014, 01:20 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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London - in Maca's experience, dating is drama. From reading both his and LR's story, he's only had one other relationship that wasn't full of drama.
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