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  #11  
Old 01-02-2014, 08:29 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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A Vee is where one person has two partners who are not sexually or romantically involved with each other. The one with two partners is commonly called "the hinge":


A Triad is where three people are each sexually and/or romantically involved with both of the others:
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  #12  
Old 01-02-2014, 08:35 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Sigh. I'm very sorry you hurt right now.

Let me lift up how it reads to me. Not judgement or blame -- just... how it sounds to a stranger. It's long, but you could please consider it all. You don't have to answer. It's just for you to think on.

Quote:
my boyfriend out and asked me if I would be willing to enter into a triadic relationship with them.
Fair enough. He can always ask things. How YOU respond is up to YOU.

Quote:
I immediately burst into tears and said "no" but... I can't deny my boyfriend anything... I relented even though I knew that this was bullshit, and impossible for me. So I basically agreed against my better judgement.
If you have that immediate and visceral a reaction,? And you say "No?" The BF could respect your limit. He did not respect your limit.

Sounds like he pushed you until he got his way. And maybe you agreed to "yes" just to escape being harangued. This is not kind behavior he does to you.

This is not kind behavior you do to you either -- sticking with a person who does not respect your limits when you speak your truth and turns to haranguing to get his way at your expense.

Quote:
I felt like no one was respecting how I was feeling.
You are correct. They are not. Neither are you. How are YOU respecting how you feel and when you choose to enter into things that go against your own grain?

Do you expect others to respect your feelings but not YOU? Where is self respecting behavior for you?
  • When the BF does not respect you and your feelings in listening to your limit at the start...
  • When the BF does not respect your effort in trying anyway...
  • When the BF does not respect your restating your limit anew and pushes you to go for more...

How does this behavior of his demonstrate "him respecting you and your feelings?"
  • When you agree to go for something you do not want for yourself...
  • When you choose to meet (his want to polyship) at the cost of you denying (your own need to listening to your own limits so you can be in good mental, emotional, and spiritual health)
  • When you try it on and reconfirm to yourself that this is not for you and say so to him but you agree to go for more of stuff you dislike...

How is this behavior of yours demonstrate "you respecting you and your feelings?"

Is this behavior the kind of behavior you like in a BF of yours?
Is this behavior the kind of behavior you like in yourself?

I am not saying it is right he does this. I'm asking "Is this how YOU like being treated by a BF person? Or would you expect a BF person to listen to you, obey your limits when you say "No" to things?"

I sure hope you want to be respected by a BF person and have them show it by listening to you, obeying your limits when you say "No."

So how does THIS specific BF measure up for how you want to be treated by a BF person? Does his behavior meet the bar or is his behavior less than wonderful?

You might love him, but you don't have to love his behavior. And if he doesn't change his behavior toward you? You could choose to not associate yourself with him any more. Fired BF! No longer BF! Can always seek a new one.

How about your behavior? Do you expect yourself to look out for yourself? Do you expect yourself to accept bullying? Do you expect yourself to get away from a bully? How's your own behavior measuring up?

You have to live with you. You cannot fire you. You cannot find a new you to be with. When in doubt or when it is hard? I strongly suggest always choosing self respecting behavior. Otherwise you are dinging your own mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical healths.

Quote:
I felt like no one cared that this may truly not be for me and that they were just waiting for me to "see the positives".
Cool. Since you cannot find them, could they please point out where the positives are for you? So you can know what they are? (Somehow I doubt they can find them either.)

In the meanwhile... Where is YOU caring that this may not be for you? Where is YOU obeying your own personal limitations/boundaries that you set for yourself?

Honey, if it is not for you it is not for you. A personal limitation. It isn't a bad thing, or a good thing. It is just a thing.

I don't need to "try" race car driving to know it is never going to be a thing for me. Other people might enjoy it for themselves. But me spending my time doing (race car driving) when I really don't want to be doing that? I see no positives there. I just see waste. Wasted time, effort, energy and emotion.

If the pushy BF is pushy and does not treat you how you want to be treated? You can fire him from the job. Dump him. You deserve to be treated well. By others and by you.

You cannot control his behavior. But you are in charge of yours. You could expect yourself to get you away from a bully.

Get away from him if is habit is to ignore your "no" limits. Yes, it might hurt because you love him. But his behavior is less than loving, and sticking around to get dinged some more is not YOU getting YOU out of the line of fire. You could do loving behavior toward you and get you out of the line of fire.

Don't expect him to get you out. He's ok just dinging ya.

It is a limit of the Universe:

(You loving someone AND doing loving behavior toward them)

does not automatically equal

(That person loving you AND doing loving behavior toward you.)

Even if you have to work through some more short term stink first to get back to dry land and not feel like you are drowning in problems any more? You could do it. Could strike out on your own and leave this behind. Restore order back in your universe. So you can enjoy better health in the long term.

Quote:
We had it out and I agreed that before I could do anything I would have to try to change my way of thinking about these things before I could do anything, and then we would see.
Actually you could do anything any ol' time YOU feel like it. You are the boss of you. The one who owns your willingness is YOU.

You do not have to accept every invitation you are given. You can RSVP "Thank you for the invite to continue polyship! But no. It doesn't work for me. I am not willing to participate any more. I'm stepping off."

You already tried it. You don't need to do more here. How is you agreeing to sign up for more of same you helping you to feel better?

I mean all this kindly.

I'm sure this is very hard for you right now... but signing up for MORE of what you do not want is not you helping you get healthier and less stressy.

Could try to TAKE AWAY not ADD to your problems.
Could seek to REDUCE time spent in UGH rather than EXTEND the time spent in UGH. If all the options stink, pick the one that is self respecting and stinks the least.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-02-2014 at 08:11 PM.
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  #13  
Old 01-02-2014, 01:05 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I am in vee relationship between.

I have two husbands. Bigamy is when you are legally married to two people. Meaning you tried to get or.got two marriage license. Polygamy is two wives one of which the husband is married to the other he is married"married" to through a comitment ceramony either religious or not. Polyandry is the same thing except a woman with two husbands .

My vee relationship works very well. BUT my relationships are seperate but equal entities . I have 2 seperate homes and etc. My guys do not really have much to do with each other. They're friendly but I make sure that each man has their own time and etc.

That said I didn't force Butch into this life. It took years. I didn't start dating other men for a year after first talking about opening our relationship. If I lost Butch I would be monogamous with Murf. Why? Because Murf is mono and he is not comfortable with Poly . He fell head over heels for me. I respect his feelings. He gets a say on how his life goes. He respects the fact that Butch has been in my life 13 yearsnow and that we have a commitment. If something happened to Murf Butch would be ok with my finding another partner . Because he is polyflexible.

In my opinion your bf is a selfish individual. How dare he shove a triad heck poly in general down your throat.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #14  
Old 01-02-2014, 01:24 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Sweetie, here is a little thing you may want to ask your bf: how would you feel about me having another bf?

If he is cool with it, maybe you can get him to explain his thought processes in how he would be cool with it. It might help you understand him better. Even if what he says makes sense though, it still doesn't mean poly is for you. You have a right to choose.

However, given that your bf seems a bit selfish and immature, I am willing to bet that he isn't cool with it, and will try to tell you how that's different. It's not different in the least and you can call bullshit. Maybe such a question would help him understand what you're feeling.
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  #15  
Old 01-02-2014, 02:12 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Bigamy is when you are legally married to two people. Meaning you tried to get or.got two marriage license. Polygamy is two wives one of which the husband is married to the other he is married"married" to through a comitment ceramony either religious or not. Polyandry is the same thing except a woman with two husbands.
Nitpick:

Polygyny is two or more women married to one man; ie the reverse of polyandry. Polygamy is multiple spouses of any gender combination and covers both polygyny and polyandry.

In many juristictions having a non-legally-binding commitment ceremony or simply living in a marriage-like relationship with someone while legally married to another person is enough to qualify you for bigamy charges.

Last edited by Emm; 01-02-2014 at 02:15 PM.
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  #16  
Old 01-02-2014, 05:00 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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"Here, Vegetarian GF of mine. Try this steak. It's awesome. Really. <pushes it down your throat>. Why don't you like it? Can't you see how great it is? The seasonings are awesome, and it's such a perfect cut of meat, and cooked so perfectly. You're just not seeing the positives in it!"

You do get to say you don't like steak. Or, you should be able to have TIME to digest what's going on.

You seem to be getting bullied and steamrolled into this ("You okay with it NOW? No? Well, how about NOW? NOW? NOWNOWNOW?"). This is not loving treatment.

Hugs... I'm sorry you're hurting, but this is NOT the right way to go about starting a Poly relationship. Even if you were open to it, you may still have a lot of issues to deal with before it ever becomes comfortable. In my case, I knew my partner was poly before getting into a relationship with him, and I *still* had a long way to go (still do).

Look out for yourself and your feelings, and don't let anyone tell you how you *should* feel. "Should" should be a four-letter word.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #17  
Old 01-02-2014, 05:22 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is online now
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Sounds to me like they want to be together and are pushing the triad thing to make it possible. Are you going to be ok with them being a couple? How do you feel about finding another partner for yourself?
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  #18  
Old 01-02-2014, 05:37 PM
Northcpl Northcpl is offline
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It seems to me that anytime something feels forced, it is probably not the best for you, especially in a relationship. If it is not something you *want* to explore and be a part of, then it will likely be hard to endure for long.
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  #19  
Old 01-03-2014, 12:18 AM
NettleSparks8551 NettleSparks8551 is offline
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I am not in the slightest bit okay with them being a couple.

It's led to me feeling very much on the outside of everything. I was much happier when it was just me and my boyfriend and that was it.

This is not to say that I wouldn't be open to something like this with someone in whom we had both developed an interest. However, this isn't the case.

I do have another question: Is the purpose of a vee to transition into a triad or is it a standalone relationship in and of itself?

Last edited by NettleSparks8551; 01-03-2014 at 12:19 AM. Reason: typo
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  #20  
Old 01-03-2014, 01:27 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NettleSparks8551 View Post
I am not in the slightest bit okay with them being a couple.
I think that horse has already bolted.
Quote:
It's led to me feeling very much on the outside of everything. I was much happier when it was just me and my boyfriend and that was it.
Then end the relationship, stop being a doormat.
Quote:
This is not to say that I wouldn't be open to something like this with someone in whom we had both developed an interest.
Please don't go down that road, more often than not, the exact same scenario you are experiencing now happens anyway because feelings change over time and that person you were initially interested in, losing favour.

Quote:
I do have another question: Is the purpose of a vee to transition into a triad or is it a standalone relationship in and of itself?
It is a stand alone relationship, most vees never become triads, a frequent amount of triads seem to end up becoming vees though.
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