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  #71  
Old 12-29-2013, 05:49 AM
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She's not just a lover. She's my friend and confidant. She's the fresh flower who brought my inner lover back to life. She's the gift that makes me a present. I don't want to possess her even while we fill each other. I don't want to take her away although we stay so close that we're virtually one. I want her to love and live fulfilled and rewarded. I relish every minute of her that she finds the time to share with me.
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  #72  
Old 12-29-2013, 08:24 AM
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Ah, if only more people could love in such a sweet way. Carry on, my friend.
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  #73  
Old 01-01-2014, 05:47 AM
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This really is fucking polyamory. Can someone pinch me please? Is there a real world where I can love my girl then go have a beautiful supper with her and her husband? I never dreamed when I started this blog that this relationship would bloom like it has. That all obstacles in our path would melt away. That I, in love with her, could accept him and that he could accept me. Much less that she could juggle the whole thing and make it work.
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  #74  
Old 01-01-2014, 10:53 PM
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  #75  
Old 01-11-2014, 12:29 AM
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I don't feel so in over my head anymore. Spending New Years Eve with both A and J was very positive and she often states that J suggested the times that she had for me. She says, "I could come over from 6-9 tomorrow. You can thank J for that." J is super gracious. He accepts me. Her kids are cool with me too. Everything has gone just swimmingly. I'm happy. A is happy. And I don't pry too much into him and her but I assume he is at least happy for her.

However, lately I have been thinking about how she divides her affections, and here I hope that one of my readers is a pivot herself and could lend some insight. A and I have had some profoundly passionate sessions together and ever since the first time, I have told her that it would always get better. It has. Even beyond what I could have imagined. Heart to heart astral plane sex and if you've ever had that then you think that it's the ultimate. It's not. There's also heart to heart astral plane sex level two. And three. And four. It just keeps getting nicer and deeper and then I start to think if we're hitting those heights, how does that affect her relationship with J? It's not my intent to have all of her affection and I feel like she's giving me at least 80% and as I mentioned above, J has been so gracious that it makes me feel like he's getting the short end of the stick here. I feel compersion towards him. I want him to be happy too. That leads me to a couple questions. First, is it any of my business how she divides her time and affections? And next, is there anything I can do to equalize this?

Kevin, what does your girlfriend say. She's a pivot right?
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  #76  
Old 01-11-2014, 12:42 AM
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Ah. Yes. Well, let me forward your query to her; she hasn't a Polyamory.com account but I figure she'll be willing to respond (and then I can post it here).

From my perspective (from what I understand from her, and from what I've read on various poly forums over the years), there's NRE and there's RRE. You and A are enjoying the depths/heights of NRE, but that can spill over (as RRE) into her marriage with J. So he's not getting the short end of the stick, as long as she's conscientious and remembers and appreciates him.

I don't suppose it would hurt to ask A how she divides her attention, and to just tell her that you hope J is also getting a fair deal. Find out how she feels about those things.

All signs seem to be positive for the moment however.
Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #77  
Old 01-11-2014, 02:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pcflvly View Post
I don't feel so in over my head anymore. Spending New Years Eve with both A and J was very positive and she often states that J suggested the times that she had for me. She says, "I could come over from 6-9 tomorrow. You can thank J for that." J is super gracious. He accepts me. Her kids are cool with me too. Everything has gone just swimmingly. I'm happy. A is happy. And I don't pry too much into him and her but I assume he is at least happy for her...

... is it any of my business how she divides her time and affections? And next, is there anything I can do to equalize this?

I'm a hinge in a relationship. So is my bf. I think you're in a good place, from the sounds of it. Maybe you're feeling it's too good to be true.


I'd say, if it ain't broke, don't try and fix it. If her husband has issues with her dividing her time, and enjoying cosmic NRE sex, assume he'll tell her and she'll deal with it. Assume she'll tell you if things need to be tweaked and there are any changes that need to be made on your end.
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  #78  
Old 01-11-2014, 02:52 PM
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Yes, I do often feel that it's too good to be true. A and I chatted about this some last night and she understood where I was coming from. She feels somewhat guilty for making things so complicated for J but understands the benefit of guilty pleasures for herself. She feels like she deserves it. She was also able to communicate some of my concern for J's happiness to him.

Ha. I should change the title of this blog to "Too good to be true". It does seem to be the theme.

I would like still more perspectives from other hinge people on how they divide their time and affections.
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  #79  
Old 01-11-2014, 05:38 PM
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Hi pcflvly,
Here's what Lady Hinge has to say -- Looks like her new handle will be Snowbunny.

Quote:
"Here is my response. Sorry my writing skillz are not anything close to Kevin's. I am much better at writing technical work instructions than in providing social advice.

Re:
Quote:
'First, is it any of my business how she divides her time and affections?'
Yes, I think it is. Especially if NRE is running rampant you don't want to sabotage her other relationship. And I would be afraid of causing any type of jealousy issues with her other love. No matter what he says. It's still good for them to have their time together! If you are a part of the family, then I think it's in your best interest to encourage her to spend a fair amount of time with her other *and* the one thing that is really hard, spend time for herself.

Another idea may be to spend time together as a threesome if possible. It's going to be hard at first finding the right balance and boundries. I have found it's easier keeping PDA to a minimum in public. It helps us with jealousy issues and my hubby's fear of causing any scenes where people might say something (he has some self esteem issues to start with).

If we are at home, there might be a little PDA or hand holding but not anything too over the top. To me, it's a respect thing. I know hubby had a hard time getting onboard with poly so I don't want to be too in his face about it.

We are much more relaxed now with who gets how much time. It comes down to work schedules and availability. Kevin is available much more often than hubby is, so hubby and I try to spend time together when we can and Kevin and I sort of fill in the blanks. In the beginning though, it was hard; we had an Excel spreadsheet of how many hours I was spending with each person every week. Thank goodness we didn't have to do that for very long.

Re:
Quote:
'Anything I can do to equalize this?'
Just be aware and respectful of the other guy. Put yourself in his shoes. Make suggestions. Have a heart-to-heart with him if you are comfortable doing so.

It sounds like you are worried about exhausting her sexually. My hubby is a sexual cactus. He can go months without sex and it doesn't bother him. This went on for many years before we were even poly. From all of our discussions and being married almost 20 years, from what I can tell, he just has a very very low sexual appetite. So it may or may not even be a big deal to the other guy.

Good luck with your V. May you have many happy years together. Communicate! It makes a world of difference.
Snowbunny"
Hope that helps.
Kevin
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  #80  
Old 01-12-2014, 01:46 AM
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Thanks Snowbunny! Well, I know a lot more now than I did earlier and it doesn't make it any easier. Turns out that I get 90% - 100% of the affection. I feel very loved right now too. He did get some RRE but only in the first month or so. She said, "If he could touch me the way you touch me..." He tries too, but she says she just can't get in the mood for him. I didn't know it was like that. She feels guilty about it but I no longer do as that dynamic predates my involvement with her. I emphasized the fact that loving her means I also care deeply about the people she cares about.

Meanwhile, he continues to enable us. Four hours with her this afternoon, his idea. Skipping some details for the sake of privacy here but he invited himself along for a visit and they are both coming over later. I totally agree that the three of us should spend time together. The idea is awkward but in fact, it's just being honest with each other. There's nothing hidden and it's not the first time we've all gotten together (5th or 6th time) but it will be the first time I welcome him into my house.

Thanks again for all the insights! And Kevin, it's all positive. Too good to be true.
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