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  #11  
Old 12-29-2013, 06:20 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You ARE worrying. So to me, what you seem to be asking is "I am worrying. When do I DO something about my worries? And take some kind of action?"

My suggestion : Could take action whenever you feel like it, or could choose non-action. Then see how it serves you.

Let me give you my impressions. (I might get some of this wrong. You correct me if I am wrong, ok?)

There's two guys. One who sent you a picture. Then the other guy that YOU sent a picture to.

FIRST GUY (WHO GAVE YOU A PIX)
Quote:
For example, there is a guy I mailed for about two weeks. Finally he sent a picture. I was not attached. What would be the most civil procedure. 1. Not respond. 2. Respond and say I don't feel it.
3. Lie 4. Go meet him anyway because he's terribly funny.
I find it interesting you use the word "attached" rather than "interested" or "attracted." You also do not state what you are looking for with that particular guy. I am guessing romance?

You haven't spent any time with this guy to form significant attachment though in 2 weeks of email. If I change the word out it becomes...

Quote:
For example, there is a guy I mailed for about two weeks. Finally he sent a picture. I was not (interested/attracted in developing a romance with him based on his picture.)

What would be the most civil procedure:
1. Not respond
2. Respond and say I don't feel it.
3. Lie
4. Go meet him anyway because he's terribly funny.
To me a combo seems best if you are seeking both friends and romance. Something like...
"I'm not sure I'm feeling it romance wise at this time. I'm interested in growing a friendship first -- you are funny!"
Then could give it more time to see if you want to move on to building romance there also or building only friendship.

But if you know the answer already and NOT interested in more friends? Only romance at this time? Just tell him "Not feeling it, I'm sorry" politely and move on. Be honest. Don't waste your time or his.

Choosing non-action in this case solves it too -- but in a shirky kind of way.

Leaving that other fellow dangling til he figures it out himself rather than just let him now straight up ASAP how you feel? It isn't "civil - courteous and polite" to avoid giving a response. That is not kind, respectful or ethical.
OTHER GUY (WHO RECEIVED YOUR PIX)
With the other guy I am hearing:

"I sent him a pix. I have no response at this time, but we have a date."
Could just leave it there. He said he might have spotty internet. Could wait for him to return from travel and wait for date to arrive. Non-action. Stop cranking yourself up.

I think you could be projecting YOUR typical responses on to him now that you gave him YOUR picture and the shoe is on the other foot.

You seem to be wondering if he might treat you the way you might have been tempted to treat others when you are the one who gets the picture. Is he

1. Not going to respond?
2. Respond and say he doesn't feel it?
3. Lie?
4. Go meet you anyway but want friendship and not romance?

If you don't want to resolve your worries with non-action and just wait for the date time to arrive?

It could be simplest to just check in and go "Are we still on for Date? Are we building only friendship here? Or building friendship maybe more here? Just so I can know what to expect on date. I am looking for ____."

Then you know what you can expect on date and so does he. Or you can cancel the date politely because it's not looking like a match up and it gives you both the chance to bow out politely now rather than later.

Up to you how you want to proceed with this other guy.
But in general? If you want to relate to people with "most civil behavior" you could be more up front honest in your relating and expect yourself to behave in courteous/polite ways consistently. No matter which side of the picture sharing you are on.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-29-2013 at 10:34 PM.
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  #12  
Old 12-29-2013, 07:53 PM
Toruchan Toruchan is offline
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bofish,

How long it's been since he sent you an email?


In your OP, you mentioned he might not have an access to get in touch with you... Could this be the reason he hasn't emailed you? Do you have other means to contact? i.e. via cell phone/text?

I don't know what you can do at this point. You sent him an email, so the ball is in his court. Maybe wait for a while you think is reasonable for YOU since I don't know when he is coming back....then if he doesn't write back, move on with your daily life without spending too much time thinking about it.

It may not be easy, but thinking too much of anything, in my opinion, is not a good idea. I have tendency to overthink/worry so it's something I need to work on personally.


As for picture sharing, I very much dislike doing that. I know I will form some preconceived idea even when I try not to...just by how he looks on the picture. I prefer to meet people blind date style. I met my boyfriend (whom I met online) for coffee without exchanging pictures.




Oh, hello everyone! I'm Toruchan from Northshore/Massachusetts. I've been enjoying this forum for a while. So much great information.
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  #13  
Old 12-29-2013, 10:02 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Thank you for all the excellent advice. I think everyone, particularly gala girl is right. I think I need to start treating people I might date more respectfully. Honestly, I'm new to dating and really still figuring it out. I am absolutely new t internet dating - they didn't have the intent when I got married.

I find the habits of the people I have dated thus far very exhausting. Only one guy ever texted me after a day to ask if I got home safely. If they are not attracted to me or vice verse (even) I never hear from them again.

Maybe I'm giving the vibes of "hook up" more than a relationship? I'm not sure. Most of the guys chat for while. The conversation turns to sex. Then we always go out to a bar...wait...something doesn't sound right. What am I dping wrong? As I write this, I am thinking I act like someone looking for a hook-up, even tho I'm not. How do you guys date?
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  #14  
Old 12-29-2013, 10:18 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Dating

One of my favorite things about the forum is how people push you to be exact and mean what you write. You are right. This isn't NRE. I also didn't say I was "attached" to this man, I said I get attached to people too quickly.

But I don't think it's in particular about this one guy. I think it's about finally finding someone who MIGHT be interesting. I think it's about how to learn how to date.

Gala - I don't think a lot of my own blowing off people comes from rudeness, I think it comes from ignorance and awkwardness. But you are right, I think i need to figure out how I want to be treated and treat others accordingly.

I put an ad on craiglist so I get many responses. I haven't been comfortable with OKcupid lately. There are a lot of ads on it, and the other day a banner inviting me to be a Mormon! It also reminds me of my ex- and I always end up looking for him there. So, should I respond to every ad? When is appropriate to have an email cutting things off? Do guys here always email after dates? Should a woman do that?

I'm finding a lot of awkwardness because I actually don't know "how" to date. Then, I feel limited because I'm married so the relationship feels limited (perhaps sunconciously) to me. I think if I knew how to date, even, those lingering monogamous thoughts go into it. I'm "looking" for someone long-term. Feels complicated.
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  #15  
Old 12-29-2013, 10:49 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Is there a dating for poly dummies on here?
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  #16  
Old 12-30-2013, 12:30 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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You are just experiencing the common issues of online dating it is not a poly problem. Visit the forums of many dating sites you will see the same issues.

Rule 1... Nothing is real until you meet
Rule 2... Do not invest too much time in email and texting.
Rule 3... Do not fall for a fantasy. People can tell you anything you want to hear. Watch the TV show Catfish.
Rule 4... Be safe. Physically and sexually.
Rule 5... Stop actively searching. Just have your profile out there. Good things come to those who wait.
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  #17  
Old 12-31-2013, 10:39 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Here are more tips...

When scheduling a date, always make it in a public place. Do not let them know where you live before or after the date. Don't have them ring your doorbell and pick you up, meet them at the place wherever you're going. I live in NYC like you do, and I often like to meet guys in my neighborhood so it's just easier to get home, but I am always vague about which street I live on. I say I live a few blocks away or something, even when we're just around the corner from my apartment. If they want to walk me to my door, I generally tell them that's not necessary. If someone insists, I will stop in front of a different building from my own to say goodnight (preferably a doorman building so the guy has a sense of being watched) and then make sure they leave before I walk to my actual door. If I'm meeting someone in a neighborhood other than my own, I just make sure it's somewhere easy to get a cab, or where there are plenty of restaurants and/or doorman buildings around in case I need to "escape" somewhere to feel safe.

Sometimes there is chemistry on a date, but if there is any making out, I still try not to do it in front of my building.

Oh, and usually I prefer to make coffee dates, or to meet for cocktails (and have no more than two drinks). Don't let yourself get drunk on a new first date, and try not to make lunch or dinner dates simply because that means you'll be stuck with them for the length of a meal if you're not getting along, or they're boring or unattractive.

Here's some advice a friend gave me and I'm glad she did, because I was able to use it and it felt incredibly liberating: If a date isn't going well, or you're disappointed, do not feel obligated to stay. You can opt to leave at any time, even if he's ordered dinner. Life is too short to sit at a table wishing you were somewhere else. I used to think I had to stay "until the date was over," not realizing I can say it's over whenever I want! The first time I did it was about 30 minutes into the date. It wasn't just that I didn't find him attractive and we were not hitting it off - he was also a nut job! Not a dangerous type, just... nuts. The waiter had come over to see if we wanted another drink and I said, "No thanks." My date said, "Do you want to go somewhere else?" I told him, "No, I'm going to go home." He then asked me, "What, no sparks?" and I answered, "Nope, sorry, no sparks. But it was nice to meet you. Have a good night" And I paid for my wine and left. From now on, I will never make myself endure another bad date for an entire evening when it's so simple just to leave.

If I don't want to see someone again, sometimes I will email the guy afterwards with a message like, "Thank you for coffee. I enjoyed our conversation but I don't think we're a match. I wish you the best." I usually do that asap to nip any hope in the bud. Sometimes my intuition tells me not to even bother, and usually that turns out that they don't contact me again either, so we were on the same page. If I do want to see them again, I email them and say somethng nice and charming, but without sounding too hopeful. But that is trickier and depends on the person.
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  #18  
Old 12-31-2013, 06:48 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Here's some advice a friend gave me and I'm glad she did, because I was able to use it and it felt incredibly liberating: If a date isn't going well, or you're disappointed, do not feel obligated to stay. You can opt to leave at any time, even if he's ordered dinner. Life is too short to sit at a table wishing you were somewhere else. I used to think I had to stay "until the date was over," not realizing I can say it's over whenever I want! The first time I did it was about 30 minutes into the date. It wasn't just that I didn't find him attractive and we were not hitting it off - he was also a nut job! Not a dangerous type, just... nuts. The waiter had come over to see if we wanted another drink and I said, "No thanks."

Yes, this. My time is valuable. I trust my instincts.
I recently had a date just like what you describe nycindie. The waiter came over and asked me if i wanted another glass of wine. Now, I ALWAYS want another glass of wine so the fact that I said no really meant something to me. I went home about 20 minutes after sitting down with the guy. I was able to spend some nice hours home alone. So much better than pretending to enjoy yourself with someone you never want to see again.

bofish, my dating tip is to take dating not so seriously. And for that, it helps to go on lots of dates. I try not to spend too much time emailing - I tend to crush easily on the written word, and have been disappointed IRL many times.

Also: be present. This means really connect with your own feelings about someone. Uncomfortable? excuse yourself and leave.

I had never dated until I was in my early forties. Now I LOVE it. I've met so many nice people. And the not so nice people were very nice learning experiences. Have fun!
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  #19  
Old 12-31-2013, 07:07 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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My POV?

Quote:
So, should I respond to every ad?
  • When you feel like it? Do.
  • When you don't feel like it? Don't.

Quote:
When is appropriate to have an email cutting things off?
ASAP, when you have found that you aren't interested in this one. Don't waste your time or other people's. Just be polite and end it.

Quote:
Do guys here always email after dates? Should a woman do that?
If your goal is still "most civil behavior?" Stop fretting about whether other people do or do not do.

Just YOU do it however you like -- verbally at the end of the date, or over email/text/call later. Don't get hung on the methods. Just deliver polite!

A simple --

"Thanks for the date. I appreciate it."


There. That's polite. Done. You don't have to make another date if you don't want to.

Quote:
I'm finding a lot of awkwardness because I actually don't know "how" to date.
I can read a recipe to bake bread and "know how" to bake bread. But until I have actually baked the bread? I have not yet had the "experience" of bread baking. It may take me a few attempts to have a decent loaf. I could bake some rocks first before my baking skills smooth out for that recipe.

I think you could be cranking your own anxiety up needlessly. Yes. Dating feels awkward right now. You just started dating again. There's may be some rocks. Keep going. Your dating skills will smooth out.

This paragraph makes no sense to me. Could be be willing to clarify? I could be wrong but when you write this:
Quote:
I'm finding a lot of awkwardness because I actually don't know "how" to date.
Then, I feel limited because I'm married so the relationship feels limited (perhaps sunconciously) to me.
I think you might mean this:

  • I am married. I feel awkward starting to date right now as a poly married.
  • I think my (potential relationship) will be limited by the fact that I am married.
  • I think my (potential dating pool) will be limited because only but so many people are open to polydating or polydating a married.
  • I also wonder if maybe some or all of this is in my perceived reality (ex: in my thoughts and feelings) and not my actuality.


Is that what you mean?

Quote:
I think if I knew how to date, even, those lingering monogamous thoughts go into it. I'm "looking" for someone long-term. Feels complicated.
So you are looking to be in polyship with a long term player. You don't want hookups and you don't want short term stuff.

What's so complicated about that? That's what you want as your polyshipping experience. A shot at a long term thing with more than one player.

It helps in dating life to be clear to yourself about the open model relationships you are willing to participate in or not. Some you might be up for. Some you might not be up for.

Not every date is destined to be a runner of course. But to increase your odds of finding compatible partners who want similar to what YOU want? First you must actually figure out and articulate what YOU want for yourself. "I want these things ____. I do not want these things _____. I am willing to participate in these things. I am not willing to participate in these things."

I think you could be allowing your anxiety to get the best of you. What could help you relax about dating as a polymarried?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-31-2013 at 07:22 PM.
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  #20  
Old 12-31-2013, 11:49 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Thank you guys.

NY: I'm totally with you on all these safety things. Whether I meet someone in my neighborhood or elsewhere just depends on how I'm feeling. I would never let a first date walk me home. I would never go in a car with a guy I didn't know. I'm probably on the "too cautious" side but if I don't feel comfortable, even don't left my drink alone. How do you meet people in NYC? I hate Cupid. I've been using CL -I don't know if I feel ready for a ploy event.

GALA-GIRL: Thank you for your great advice. Keep more coming! Here is what I think is the difficulty. I don't see my relationship in ANY OF those models. It fits most into primary/secondary...but different in some respects. It seems in that model, falling in love is off the table? That's what I want. (or part of what I want). We're different because we're married, but live more or less like friends. We have separate bedrooms and sex isn't off the table but we've had it few times in the last two years. My husband doesn't have any kind of veto over me or vice versa. His girlfriend has some negotiation power, but only some. We intend not to divorce, but not to live with a third person either. I could even see us living with other people after our son is raised.

What it most feels like to me - is like an "affair" in that my needs (and his) cannot get entirely met, so like the French we take lovers to confide in. I say it's like an affair because my closest relationships have been with someone young and single and then someone who wasn't happy in his marriage. But that was mistake, and I want to find something like that, but isn't based on hurting anyone.

As far as dating, it's not dating again. I've never dated! LOL and certainly not on the internet - it seems people are really flakey and just disappear.

OI wonder what I want out of all this. It may be silly, but I think part of me just wants to be viewed as a sexual object and desired. Another part of me wants a safe person with not too much attachment to explore my sexuality with. One other part of me wants someone to be a passionate love and friend.

Don't worry! I'm not too anxious. Just having fun figuring this all out!
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