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Old 12-31-2013, 08:03 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Leedia View Post
It was definitely off the table for him to touch another man at all, I knew that from the start. What I learned recently was his aversion to even being in the same room in an intimate enviornment including us and another guy.
Well, his reaction is not uncommon. I wouldn't say I'd want to see a partner of mine with someone else. I like my relationships separate. The way you're putting it, though, makes it sound as if you thought all sexually intimate acts should be shared in a group or with all your partners present if you're practicing polyamory - which is not a necessity at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Leedia View Post
We talked about that and I'm willing to work around it. The group sex is just something ill have to put aside for now. I guess I had mistakenly thought that he would feel better with the idea of me and another man if he were at least around. But in speaking with him more he doesn't want me wih a guy in our house, his house, didnt want it to happen at all which bothers me . . .
It really sounds like you had a lot of ideas and expectations about opening up to poly, and you're disappointed that his ideas about it don't match yours.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Leedia View Post
. . . I'd be sharing him with someone who had my same equipment. Why shouldn't he?
Yes, well, firstly, you don't really own each other, which means in actuality he'd be sharing himself and you'd be sharing yourself, not that you're sharing him and he's sharing you - so, it is up to each of you who you want to share yourselves with and how best to express your own sexuality and develop relationships with other partners, etc. So, you're right in that no one else should dictate to you what gender person you should be sharing yourself with - that is up to you. And remember that it's up to him who he shares himself with.

Secondly, besides disappointment, your posts also convey a bit of impatience on your part, like he's not getting on board with it as quickly or in the way that you want him to. How long have you been discussing opening up your relationship? Some couples take a year or more of intense soul-baring talks before actually taking any first steps. You have to really put all fears and insecurities under a microscope and share them with your partner in order to build a strong enough foundation for both of you to accept that the other will have additional partners with whom you will be intimate physically and emotionally. It is not a little or easy thing to transition into, for most people.

That you want him to research it and read up about it and he has not done that yet, would seem to indicate resistance on his part. He may be acquiescing and saying to you that he's okay with it, but it certainly doesn't look like he's ready, willing, and able.

So, take it slow, be patient, keep talking but look for signs that tell you it's time to back off the subject, and eventually see if there are other steps you can take before actually getting involved with others - such as looking for local poly groups to socialize with, or some counseling. He may need to ease into it much more slowly than you do, so some interim steps could be helpful.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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