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  #51  
Old 12-08-2013, 11:01 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Um wow, I can be totally wide awake and the second I start typing or texting, the zzz's hit me. Not sure why my brain shuts off, maybe i stop breathing deeply, but it does.

LDR guy - what was i going to blog last night/early this morning about him? Oh yeah, I had contacted him first with a "I will be in your town MLKing Weekend". That's where I informed him I'd be asking him questions and he told me to please do so. The conversation continued with my curious questions as well as us telling each other sexual stories. We communicate great together.

So last Monday we cam'd on yahoo with each other. He was so cute, fumbling around, not sure what he was doing, and told me he's got his calendar marked off for that weekend in January. Kept trying to bribe me to stay at his place (has an extra room) so I could save money but my traveling companions would not appreciate it. Alas, I will meet him at a bar for drinks first, probably on Friday night but depends on my companions schedule for the weekend. At least I should know the schedule that week.

And did I state this last post, if so, sorry...ldr guy is willing to get a std/sti test to be with me without condoms. Although I had mine in July and dh just had his, I'm making an appointment this week to be tested again. And this time requesting I get a paper document with my results. I feel so weird saying I'm negative but no actual proof.

ldr guy at first was all, well I know I'm clean, just got out of a long term relationship and haven't been with any one yet. I still stated it would be condoms if he doesn't get tested. I really like thinking of that conversation with him or even any future potentials as the "business side of poly".

So SG and I have been texting and although he finds me attractive, I just didn't feel it the night we went out with our spouses. I like him, he's hilarious and a nice person, but it just isn't there. I asked him yesterday if he was still looking or is he closing (things with SA are working out for him). He stated
most likely closing and we've agreed to be each other's support network. I feel much more comfortable now. I know, ideally, to DH and MG that a quad would be easier for them but in reality, we can't force connections and this connection is a friend only one. But our families do plan to hang out and get to know each other. Also, I felt weird, meeting one of their adult son's, I found myself extremely attracted to him (shh I haven't told dh but he'll know now) and thought that'd be bad. Whew!

The day before my surgery, I was bombarded with guys who disappeared texting me. Guess they must have felt some inclination to say hi. But it did seem strange it was the day before surgery. Now they've quietly disappeared again, go figure.

Tomorrow schedules go back to normal. DH should be going over to MG's. Won't really get to do an overnight since I have to meet the boss early to head to an 8 hour tax update class. Not sure if he wants to reschedule to Tuesday since no obligations Wed morning but still not sure. Moving his overnight means an additional cost of daycare for the youngest. But I do need to know so I can schedule my yahoo date with ldr guy. I'm not giving him an identity yet. Outside here he is _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _but here, he's gonna just be ldr until i know it's becoming more than a week long virtual fling. Okay, it's beyond a week now but still, with the shitty luck I've had I just don't trust it.

Why are they not local? There is another guy, about an hour away North of me I'd like to meet. I need to tell dh about him but not even sure if I will. That's the hard part for me. DH wants me communicating about what's going on with me. I find it hard to say well I started messaging with so and so, but I don't know where it's going and most of the time, it's all that, just messaging. It takes time to weed out guys to find the ones who are truly interested in a poly married lady. Sadly, most the poly guys in my area, well not my type. Doesn't mean I'll write one off, just haven't connected with one yet.

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 12-08-2013 at 11:04 PM.
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  #52  
Old 12-11-2013, 05:25 AM
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DH needed to move his overnight from last to tonight. I was selfish and more concerned that I might have to raincheck my cam date with ldr guy rather than verbalizing the empathy I had for dh's raincheck. MG's daughter was having her baby.

I did have my cam date. We talked for over an hour. Ldr guy is dating a few ladies. He's actually at the movies with one right now. DH is with MG. She was here at our place today. Hehe dh washed the sheets - they had some fun.

Back to ldr guy. I let him know I'm ok with hearing about his dating prospects and he appears to be using the "your married" line back at me.. lol I keep telling him I'm poly first, whether married or not. I think he likes me.

I love that ldr guy is comfortable chattin with me on cam. He's so cute fumbling to get it to work right. Alas I know we'll have our brief time together in January and eventually he plans to go teach ESL in South America in April. I am just happy I met a person I can really communicate with. Meeting will be interesting.

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 12-11-2013 at 06:15 AM.
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  #53  
Old 12-12-2013, 06:00 AM
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Default good news

The tumor was benign. No more low iodine diet, no more worries just a lifetime of testing my thyroid levels since I now have half of one.

Date is on with TS on Sat. meeting at a Thai restaurant.
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  #54  
Old 12-12-2013, 01:10 PM
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I'm so glad to hear your diagnosis!

I don't get the rush to become fluid bonded with ldr guy, clean tests or not.
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  #55  
Old 12-28-2013, 09:06 PM
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@ Magdlyn - there's no "need" per se for fluid bonding with ldr guy, only just letting him know that if he wants that, he must be tested, otherwise, he'll be wrapped.

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 12-28-2013 at 09:14 PM.
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  #56  
Old 12-28-2013, 10:22 PM
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There you are! Post more. How did the holidays go with your hubby and MG?
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  #57  
Old 12-29-2013, 12:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
@ Magdlyn - there's no "need" per se for fluid bonding with ldr guy, only just letting him know that if he wants that, he must be tested, otherwise, he'll be wrapped.
Oh, well, generally, I don't fluid bond until at least 6 months into a relationship, because until then, how well do you know and trust them to stay "wrapped" with any other partner they may have or get? A clean test one day can be blown the next if he "forgets" or "gets drunk and makes a mistake," or just isn't that trustworthy all around. I guess I test a guy's self control by seeing how well he uses condoms with ME, and an indicator of how consistently he'd use them with other partners if he was bareback with me.

I swear, some guys act like they are doing you a favor to use a condom. I even had one new guy tell me, "I brought you a present," as he took out a condom, like I was supposed to thank him or something. !!! Doesn't he care about his own health, and the health of his primary? Sheesh.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #58  
Old 12-29-2013, 06:07 PM
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So back on the 15th, I think it was, I drove over an hour away to have a date with TS. Great time at dinner, definite attraction, we go back to his place, have some drink, lots of talking, protected sex and about an hour later, the dude gets shitfaced and pukes.

I couldn't stay. A child's throw up is so different than an adult you just met. I made sure he was in a position to not choke on it. Gawd that was awful. I decided I might give him a second chance if he contacts me. He does and says he wants to see me again. The next day he meditates and has an epiphany that I'm an adulteress.

Apparently I just have bad luck on thinking I'm weeding out the bad ones. I seriously need to start getting more in touch with my intuition more than any thing and if it says "cancel and run", I friggin' need to cancel and run.

Let's just say this bad date didn't help me any on feeling compersion when I got home and MG was there. DH wanted me to sleep in bed with them but I am so not ready for that. I had a really hard time when I woke on the couch the next morning. I need to back track though because as I read in some threads, "jealousy/envy" can be triggered not by that feeling truly but by other events.

Those events were:

-10 days prior had a partial thyroid lobetcomy
-this was on sunday morning and on friday, our van's motor went out. told it'd be about $2500 at the least to put in an engine with 155,000 on it...just was very very overwhelmed with this financial stress.
-the following that I state is not to make DH out to be a bad guy, it's just what NRE AND BEING IN LOVE does
so this saturday night when DH had MG over was their 4th date from that sun to sat AND I HAD HUGE ISSUES WITH IT

Envy - well I have huge amounts of it and it is not jealousy. MG is awesome and I could never ask for another metamour. I do have issue with taking advantage (this was MG's own words) of my inability to say NO. I caused it by not voicing how it was affecting me until it was too late. Another lesson learned about myself...I can't just say "ok" because I don't want to come off as not fair. If I'm feeling I need DH on my days I need to frickin' say so.

Envy - I felt it was not right to go out on a date with MG when I was on a date. Our "boundary/rule" was 2 overnights for each of us (so a parent is always home - we can't always make the teen be the babysitter unless it's for DH AND I to have a date). But when he asked if I was going to be home, I didn't know what would happen with TS. I SHOULD HAVE SAID "NO" but again, that silent part in my brain was like, well if you say NO you're not being fair.

Outcome: as of now the 2 overnights are set in stone. No extra visits during the week for a few months so I have time to adjust to this new life style, this change in my own personal life. I have stated I am willing to renegotiate in two months.

Outcome: Unplanned/surprise visit are a NO until Jan 10th. Actually it would be a further out date but since I will be out of town in Oregon ML King weekend and that DH and MG already have plans of her staying with him the entire weekend is why I have that date. When I return, we will need to discuss and renegotiate how I feel about impromptu visits. At this moment, I don't think I'm okay with them.

It's taken me some time to start feeling normal again. That normal where I was with compersion before surgery. I didn't even have envy then. It really sucks. Funny about that week that ended on the 15th and the new one that began on the 16th, not only have my normal hormones changed from the surgery, my period started and the financial stress. I feel and know now that if I only had to deal with one change, the surgery, I would have handled the morning of the 16th much better. I'm not making excuses for loosing my shit. Those things did affect my coping abilities.

What's been happening since that weekend ended. We got a new vehicle. So a big stress has disappeared. The period ended...starting to feel more like me. That Monday is DH and MG's overnight. And to state how awesome MG is, she loaned us a beater vehicle to get through the weekend (I had a rental for the date) until we bought something. Their Friday had to be cancelled due to my work's Christmas Party.

That was fun. Didn't really get to chat much with co-workers due to how the restaurant had the catered event layed out. Seriously...put us in the bar and not have the tables next to each other. It snowed like a hurricane so travels were slow but still a fun night.

Due to Christmas DH and MG rescheduled their Monday night to Sunday. Monday DH and I went out and bought Christmas presents for the kids and had our first date in over two months. There that's were he and I have slipped in our relationship. We must maintain having a date night once a week for ourselves. With the schedules we agreed to: Sun both home, Mon his night, Tues to Thur he's home so I need to pick a night that is mine (my night that I would go out whether on a date or by myself = but what sucks is the teen has soccer until 6 pm so I don't really get "my time") so that is what I have to work on...getting a night to myself and logically I think Wed night would work best, Fri is dh's night, Sat is my night and the cycle repeats.

I've discussed with SG about rescheduling when any one is not able to do their night. I don't know if not being flexible is being lame but maybe it's because of where I got that week of the 9th through 16th I really feel if you have to cancel, make ups don't happen. It's not just DH and MG who has to "reschedule" but SG, SG's girlfriend, and me. But then again I see the logic of where that isn't "fair" but maybe it's on hold until mid-February. I still haven't discussed this yet. I may never as again, I'm not trying to control, I'm just trying to gain my own independence in this relationship. At times I feel like it's not ok that I try to meet another. Seems weird since DH is definitely poly now. I believe he truly went on this journey to please me and now he has another and does not want to go back. The funny thing is I've never asked him to go back. I don't want to be mono. So I've had some bad luck. I'll get over it and move on. Yet this is why it's important for me to actually go out on my own, alone on my "days". The okc world is nothing but a headache and waste of my time. I can't meet anyone by going out with DH nor by staying at home. Now it's just a matter of setting that into motion.

So Tues Christmas Eve DH and I went out for a shot and a drink since my birthday is Christmas. Came home, let kiddos open their one present on Christmas Eve, got them to sleep, put out Santa presents and at 4 am, the youngest gave her momma a puke present. Yep...all over me. By 5:30 that night I came down with the flu and three hours later DH was sick too.

Thursday night went to the ER due to a rash all over my body. If I hadn't had the surgery I wouldn't have been so worried but I didn't want to risk anything in case it wasn't just a case of the hives. DH had to cancel Friday night with MG. Yesterday I got out, albeit a bit light headed and what not, but by evening I was feeling back to being healthy with just a cough. DH isn't any better today. It seems it stays with some longer than others.

So this week is New Year's Eve. I've already requested of DH that if SG and MG invite us to go out with them some where that we decline. I'm all about feeling compersion for DH and MG but when DH is my date I'm not in a state to feel compersion if they decide to sneak off for a kiss or whatever. And to avoid me not handling that well, it's just best to avoid the situation all together. Like I said...I am not quite back to the pre-surgery me. I will get there but I need time and it has to go at my pace, not the pace of the NRE folks. At least I've recognized this in me and am honest about it. I really believe I just have to be honest with how I feel and speak it rather than keep it in and think I can internalize it and it'll just be okay.

Well that's where I've been. I'm praying/hoping DH gets over this awful bug and gets back to normal.

I hope everyone has a Happy New Year and drinks smart!!

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 12-29-2013 at 06:12 PM. Reason: typos
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  #59  
Old 12-30-2013, 02:52 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I'm sorry for what all you've been through, what with health issues and envy and your h's NRE.

I agree, you need to learn to say "no," and know what your needs are and make your wishes known. This summer I was under a lot of stress, and Ginger was trying to date 3 people and it drove me batty, dealing with hearing about them and all the various issues around them getting together.

My stressors were: a move to a new house (moving in with my gf and getting used to that, plus unpacking, getting to know the new town), my gf having big traumas at work and in her family, which triggered her anxiety issues, and then me having a date with a guy who then tried to commit suicide. Having Ginger dating through all that sent me over the edge!

And you had cancer and surgery! I'd have to say that is even more stressful.

As far as your bad date with Puking Guy, how could that have gone better? For me, no hard drinking, and no sex on a first date seems to help. You can only do so much weeding of OKC guys in chat and on the phone before that first date. I always meet in public, I don't have more than 2 drinks, and I don't take them home, even for making out. Some/most guys will say and do anything to get laid. So, they may seem like Mr Right, until that first shag. Then their true colors come out. If they are right for you, they will be willing to have a date or two in public before they want sex.

I've learned all this from doing things wrong!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #60  
Old 01-01-2014, 08:32 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I'm sorry for what all you've been through, what with health issues and envy and your h's NRE.

I agree, you need to learn to say "no," and know what your needs are and make your wishes known. This summer I was under a lot of stress, and Ginger was trying to date 3 people and it drove me batty, dealing with hearing about them and all the various issues around them getting together.

My stressors were: a move to a new house (moving in with my gf and getting used to that, plus unpacking, getting to know the new town), my gf having big traumas at work and in her family, which triggered her anxiety issues, and then me having a date with a guy who then tried to commit suicide. Having Ginger dating through all that sent me over the edge!

And you had cancer and surgery! I'd have to say that is even more stressful.

As far as your bad date with Puking Guy, how could that have gone better? For me, no hard drinking, and no sex on a first date seems to help. You can only do so much weeding of OKC guys in chat and on the phone before that first date. I always meet in public, I don't have more than 2 drinks, and I don't take them home, even for making out. Some/most guys will say and do anything to get laid. So, they may seem like Mr Right, until that first shag. Then their true colors come out. If they are right for you, they will be willing to have a date or two in public before they want sex.

I've learned all this from doing things wrong!
Thanks for the empathy on stressors, it's helps knowing it happens to the best of us.

Dating - yeah I don't get drunk but I had no control over puker. And with him, I asked him tons of questions about being ok with dating a poly married lady and he, at the time, was ok with all of it. I'm like bofish in that I've never dated and this is a huge learning experience for me. I never dated dh, we had been friends a few years prior to seeing each other.

LOL so when we as individuals "give up" the hunt, since that is what trying to find another is, then we get flooded with messages. Still overwhelming. I now have a guy up in the same town as puker who wants to be my slave. I'm a little into bdsm but in all honesty it's not high on my priority list at this time. I told him I'd let him know today and my answer will be I'm not able to be his Domme.

Oh HAPPY 2014 TO EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU!
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