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  #91  
Old 12-29-2013, 01:02 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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I put on my big girl panties and broke up with Prof in person. I appreciate the same courtesy so best to give it.
He was a bit upset and a little surprised. I explained the whole "secondary never make time for me" part. He said he has been with S 10 days straight and her sister turned up unexpectedly to take over. So he drove to .... and picked up B for some fun. Kind of got it that he didn't consider asking me if I was available. Got it that sending me home in a taxi was dismissive, but hey, he'll still book a hotel room if I want to come and play tonight or I could get taxis both ways and not have to worry about my car. And so help me, I was sorely tempted. But nothing will change, he didn't try to bargain or persuade me otherwise, no promises of things changing.
I was dreading the "you know what is wrong with you" part, but it never came. Said he enjoyed my company very much and hoped we could still be friends. I was hoping he would say that.
One of his businesses provides a service that has been utilized heavily by my neighbor who is on disability and a very limited budget. His company provided it at a third of cost. I know it has made a big difference to my neighbor.Prof said to keep in touch for that, he is happy to continue to help. At the end of the day Prof has never been mean or unkind, a little thoughtless maybe. Too wrapped up the hierarchy. I hope we do keep in contact, I usually cut off all but will again, try to be a grown up for my neigbors sake.

OKC guy revenge flaked on me. Straight up, said I flaked on him so he is flaking on me. Nice to find out before we wasted time meeting. Plus I rechecked his profile, he is 5'8. I would look silly in 5 inch heels.

Kip was online with me for about 6 hours. He helped me rejig my OKC profile. Said all my pics were crap and I don't look like that in real life. I did ask him for an honest opinion. So I got quite a few hits, especially from the under 30 brigade. I want Bluebird's inbox.
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  #92  
Old 12-29-2013, 03:42 AM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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I'm glad you broke up with him in person. It gives you closure as well. You made the right decision for you. I'm cheering for you!
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  #93  
Old 12-29-2013, 07:37 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Okay, I've been reading all along and wanted to comment on some of your past posts, but didn't so I am going to try and catch up now...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlantis View Post
Don't know if I can stick with the pair of them till the 8th. I have been tossing and turning all night . . . I know he does hierarchical relationships. He has a primary, and I am secondary, but apparently I got bumped down even further to "available hole" level. Thanks, but no thanks.
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I put on my big girl panties and broke up with Prof in person.
Available hole, ugh. I always use the term "convenient slit." Either way, who needs or wants that shit? Good for you for ending it.

Well, one down, one more to go!

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Talked to mum about what is going on. She surprised me by saying but it's an open relationship dear, you can't expect to know what is going on, just because you tell tell them, doesn't mean they need to tell you. You know neither of them is looking for a commitment and neither are you. So why are you surprised by this? I explained my shock at the lying , she didn't think it was lying more being economical with the truth.
While, yes, this does indicate a certain open-mindedness on your mother's part, I think what she said is also in keeping one major misconception about poly that many people have - and that is that if you're poly you can't ask for or expect any kind of commitment from anyone. People think it's all about being loosey-goosey and flitting around from one hook-up to another. However, even if you want the parameters of your relationships to be somewhat more casual or less structured than most mainstream ones, it doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to count on someone or trust them at their word. It doesn't mean you can't have agreements and abide by them. And it certainly doesn't mean you will never have a reason to be disappointed! And these two schmucks have been rather disappointing!

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I told Kip I was back on OKC, he was slightly miffed. Doesn't want my dating to take anytime away from him, he is my "priority". He is setting up a lunch date with Me.2, lots of naked pics and questions about sex.

Neither of them have actually asked Me.2 what is my name or what I do for a living, nothing that I have had to lie about. It is all about them, what they are looking for and what they have to offer, same things they promised me in the beginning.

The Me.2 experiment( not that it was meant to be) has been very eye opening. They are spinning the same lines that they gave me when we met. Available time, both have plenty, willingness to travel and have weekends away, understanding partners, drama free, Prof apparently has a few short rules, no mention of 2 pages or veto.
As sneaky as it is to have a Me2 profile, you sure got to see them for their true colors. Sheesh, not even asking your name but sending naked pics! What kind of crap is that?

And I really don't get why Kip thinks he can get all bossy with you and tell you what to do with your life and your body. That is very prickish of him.

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I had an online chat with Kip this afternoon . . . I feel ready to meet and let him lie to my face some more, then tell him I know everything . . . I am done with him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlantis View Post
The upshot is, I still want to do the swap in January, it is condoms all round, and this will probably be my last foray into multiple sex. I want to check it off my fuckit list.
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Originally Posted by Atlantis View Post
So 2 weeks or so till the 4 way. Kip has said he will pick up all of the hotel bill so I can have the room to myself afterwards. He wants me to have a nice treat. I had put together a list of possibilities and emailed it to him, so the king suite with balcony and view it is! I was touched at the gesture, despite the lying, he has always been very sweet and generous.
You know what? Kip is not your last chance in the world to have group sex! Why not do it with someone who deserves to be with you in that way? There are actually good, kind, respectful, honest men out there in the world who I am sure would do it with you. My vote (I know you didn't say you are taking votes, but here's mine anyway) is to dump him too. Now. Diamond earrings, paying a hotel room, and the promise of group sex is no reason to stick with an arrogant, domineering liar.

Now hear this: you deserve better!
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  #94  
Old 12-29-2013, 03:26 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Last night...dum de dum, bit bored...contemplating texting Prof and saying I would do it, should i have a shower, could be fun, then my phone beeps with the message from SouthernGal. Just what I needed, reality check, I watched Dracula instead. Feel good today that I didn't.

Then my period started, so I start second guessing again, was I just being PMT sensitive? Should I give it a bit more time?

Then I log on here and see message from NYCIndie. I still haven't got the quote thing down but much you say is very true. It helps to have your own thoughts reflected back with an independent view point.

The Me.2 profile wasn't set up to be sneaky, it was a genuine profile that I hadn't put any pics on. Responding to them and not saying it was me was sneaky. I was surprised neither of them twigged to it, too self-centered.

Why haven't I dumped Kip yet too? Yes, he is bossy, he has strong opinions on what I do. I think about it often.
I have had 3 other lovers in the time I have known him. Br was a total ass, Yo was flakey and not good in bed, Prof was too hierarchical. I have had a few dates that didn't go anywhere. Through all of them I have maintained Kip. I am struggling to put it into words. The pros are still outweighing the cons, though the cons are most definitely there.
I don't know, I will think more. I tried typing out a few ideas but none of it is clear.
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  #95  
Old 12-29-2013, 05:45 PM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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It's also possible the PMS was driving the desire to go meet him after all last night. You really do deserve to be treated with thought and consideration and it seemed clear to me Prof was more interested in getting some "strange" than in maintaining his current relationships and showing basic consideration. You should never have to feel like you're just an "available hole." Good luck!
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  #96  
Old 12-29-2013, 09:33 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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The desire to go meet was also because I had my first Saturday night free in nearly 2 months. Really felt that I was wasting it. But if I went to see Prof I would still be in the same position of no weekends. And "convenient slit".
Looking for the new strange is very true SouthernGal.

Ex is going to start taking the kids regularlyish again. I have New Year's Eve free, Wednesday and the Thursday; possibly, yes, watch it crash and burn. Nothing new there.

Oh let's call Prof, I thought, I have Wednesday free! I forgot that he bumped me off this Wednesday, cause I am secondary, and then came the thought that I am glad it is over.

I am going to start tennis lessons with my friend once a month on Weds and get back to Weds gym class. I have been working out a lot at the weekend but it is not as effective as doing it throughout the week. And of course it is open to meet new people.

Then...OKC message, cute, tall and used to be a tennis instructor, oh look, new shiny thing...wanders off.....smiling....
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Last edited by Atlantis; 12-30-2013 at 01:05 AM.
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  #97  
Old 12-30-2013, 12:17 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlantis View Post
Then...OKC message, cute, tall and used to be a tennis instructor, oh look, new shiny thing...wonders off.....smiling....
Atta girl!
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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  #98  
Old 12-30-2013, 04:52 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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I met OKC guy, quick set up, phone chat and meet.
Nice, short, 5'9. I wore short heels and was still taller. I suspect 5'9 is optimistic.
Asked about the accent, but very little else, he talked and talked. Kind of think that is my fault. I listen for my job and pull information, don't offer up much.
I have noticed that with my dates, they talk and I listen .

But right at the end he started talking about open relationships, poly and swinging. Said he liked 3 somes, liked having a main partner and adding others. Said he read my responses to the questions on OKC., saw that I was open to open relationships. We were getting kicked off the table so I didn't get to ask more.
Said he was cool with single mum schedule and would call tomorrow.

I had my first drink since thanksgiving and I mean one small glass of wine. Went right to my head, empty stomach and all. I stood up and was a bit woo woo. Luckily I live seconds away. Probably should have walked home. Had a hug in the parking lot. No kiss. Which is good. I like to go have a think.
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  #99  
Old 12-30-2013, 12:37 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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I reread your blog a few days back and was struck by the fact that Kip had "been there" for you a lot of times. He seemed genuinely caring and supportive. I think it's reasonable to keep that in mind along with the deception.

You seem to be thinking of maintaining a relationship with him but not acknowledging that you know there has been a lot of deception. Do you think this can work for you? It seems potentially explosive to me. Also, you would be adopting his habit of deception. How do you think you will feel if you have to hide this knowledge long term?

Wrt your 4 way plans, aside from "checking it off the list", what do you want to get out of it? How do you hope to feel? Given the current circumstances, do you think those feelings are likely to occur? What mindset would you need to have going into it, and how well does that match with where you are now?

Sorry that you've been having such a tough time lately!
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  #100  
Old 12-30-2013, 01:04 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wildflowers View Post
You seem to be thinking of maintaining a relationship with him but not acknowledging that you know there has been a lot of deception. Do you think this can work for you? It seems potentially explosive to me. Also, you would be adopting his habit of deception. How do you think you will feel if you have to hide this knowledge long term?
The thing is, Atlantis is deceptive herself, she admitted that. She aided Prof in deceiving his wife about how often they were getting together. She's been communicating with both Prof and Kip under an assumed identity, and doesn't plan to stop it. She listens and nods at people and doesn't express her own feelings.

That doesn't make you "bad," Atlantis, but it does not lead to fully mature, supportive, comforting and exciting relationships. It leads to a kind of drifting along the surface of life, being continually disappointed and depending on the next new and shiny to give you a distraction from the former wreckage.
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