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  #161  
Old 12-28-2013, 07:51 PM
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I dunno. I can still count on two hands the number of sex partners I have had in my life though. M was the only one who could go for hours without losing steam. We will see, I suppose! That isn't exactly a large sample size. lol

B messaged with me some today - he will be back from his holiday trip on Sunday. He wanted to let me know. Ok.

C3 reappeared today too, and reinstated the Monday get together. He then messaged me and said he wanted to talk with me then. Ok.

He had re-invited M, and M clicked that he would be attending, so I messaged M to ask what was up with that. Because he had told me he wouldn't attend. He said it was an accident, that he wasn't going, but he WAS invited. Sigh. I told him I would prefer if he let me be, because I don't want to spend that day crying in my van after the long drive it takes to get to the game shop. I also let him know that I prolly would be ok, but to seriously not be a jerk about it. He didn't respond. I have no idea why he would show up to just upset me. I didn't think he was the type, and I hope I am not wrong. I told him I should be ok by the middle of next week, but to please just give me a little time before showing up where we would have to interact. What would be his motivation? Ugh.
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  #162  
Old 12-30-2013, 05:32 AM
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Gah! C3 cancelled the game event again for tomorrow, well, I guess for today, since it is after midnight at the moment. We had another chat on IM and that went well. He is still full of anxiety and I think I am going to put all hopes with him to rest. I mean, I had pretty much already, but I really can't deal with another guy with anxiety, much less a guy with crazy anxiety. At least M's was fairly manageable. C3 is all over the place with his emotions.

A wrote me today one of the most romantic texts - just describing a moonlit kayak trip he took last night. He set me all a-quiver!

OKC was blowing up for me again today too, lots of good conversations with guys who seem legitimately interested in a relationship. I might have a dinner date for tomorrow night. We will see.

I had plans to maybe go play trivia last night with C2 - not that I wanted to see him, but my other friend. That seemed less and less what I wanted as the time grew closer, so I asked my husband for a date and we and saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Wow, it was a great movie! My husband kept rubbing my arm and kissing me - I have never been more in love! Afterwards we went to grab a quick snack before heading home and we had some good talk about M, and me being poly. He did he is very happy for me to be poly, even though it has failed so far in giving me the peace I am wanting. He is optimistic though, and so am I.

Earlier I listened to some sad music to see if I could get myself to cry, because I feel that until I get the negative emotions out, I won't fully be able to move past M. However, nothing I listened to could seem to make it happen. So, I don't know what to do. I get teary every now and then but then I am right back into my life and I move on with whatever I am doing.
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  #163  
Old 12-31-2013, 06:14 AM
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So I ended up going to the game store after all today. C3 messaged me to please come, so I did. He was really strange again - flirting wih me and then acting distant. He gave me this hug when I walked in - holy shit even during sex I've never been hugged like that. Incredible. He brought the game I had wanted to play and 6 of us played it and I ended up winning it for my team. Awesomesauce.

C was there today as well. He bought me lunch and we talked a little bit. I think he wanted me to go home with him but he didn't come out with it, so I didn't. I wouldn't have anyway - I don't want any more partners at the moment, even if I've been with him before.

I left later and met up with a guy from OKC for dinner. He was strange. We will call him X. Anyway, X was nice enough and we ate a really nice restaurant. I paid for myself though. I don't think I will see him again - he was short, had large ears and was just not my physical type at all. He had been in poly relationships on and off for the past 10 years and is currently single, but I just wasn't into him much. He lives an hour drive away, which isn't horrible. Toward the end of the date, he was much more animated and interesting. I liked him better. He got a hug.

What else? While at the game store, someone came in and was talking to peeps. I saw him checking me out. It was notable because he was wearing a full suit! I didn't think anything of it, because guys check me out all the time. Anyway, he friended me on Facebook tonight. I am told he works nights at the store. His Facebook doesn't have any pics of himself though, which I find weird.

C3 messaged me for like an hour just now, after I got home from my date. He told me again that me being married was a deal breaker. It is clear he is into me, so I flirted with him shamelessly over IM. He gave it back, but I am certain that it will go nowhere. He is telling me the truth - he isn't poly and the thought of me being married makes it a nonstarter. Too bad. I would cuddle him so hard!

Oh, A also messaged me today. He is back from his trip and wants to see me on Thursday.
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Last edited by Bluebird; 12-31-2013 at 06:17 AM.
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  #164  
Old 01-02-2014, 04:14 AM
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I had a super fun New Year's Eve. I host a party every year for children and this time through I had 40 kiddos in my house. It was a ton of fun but my sleep schedule is all wonky, because they were at my place from 6 pm til 10 am the next morning.

C3 messaged me Happy New Year shortly after all the kids left and asked me if I was coming to see him at the game store today. That was fairly random to me, because we hadn't made plans to meet up or hang out, and there wasn't anything special scheduled there. He told me he was bringing his games again and wouldn't mind seeing me. He told me, and I quote, "If only I knew you in another life."

I seriously would have kicked him if I had been in front of him. I told him I'm here now and he needs to either date me or not. He asked some more questions about poly and then made vague statements that he's made before - about how he'd be jealous, how he would want a whole lot of time from me. I reiterated what I had told him before, and that I was willing to work with his anxiety if he wanted to try. Then I told him he should try something new with the new year and date someone awesome.

He replied that he was going to and then sent me a sticker thingy on IM and disappeared.

I think he scared himself. Fucking mono guys with anxiety. I have been down this road before with the guy I dated prior to M. The only difference this time is that C3 seems a LOT more into me than that guy ever was. But, I am kind of at the edge of being poly saturated right now and I am not sure what to do.

I have mad attraction and lust for C3 - ever since I met him, I was smitten with him. If he would pull the stupid trigger, I would give him all the time he was craving, I can tell you that.

However, I also have this thing going with A. Honestly, I am not so certain that I could juggle C3 and A at the same time - I think I would have to make a choice between them, simply because C3 is long distance and it'd take a lot of my time making sure he did get what he needed out of the relationship. A is a lot easier, but I am still not feeling rip-my-clothes-off passion for him. I think another date or so might kindle that though. It is getting close.

I have this guy that I am dying to meet on OKC that I have been messaging a lot - he just gave me his number today. Anyway, he is north and another long distance option. He is married and poly and he would do well in conjunction with A as my primary boyfriend, if things work out when I finally meet him in person.

C3 would be looking to be mono with me, so I am not sure I could have a 3rd with him. And, if he is honest about what time he wants, I wouldn't necessarily even need a third, which is what I haven't really wanted at all.

B is still sort of on the back burner as well. His communication is still spotty. He would be a good third with A as well, or maybe even C3, since B doesn't have a whole lot of time to see me much it seems.

Then X from two nights ago has been messaging me, and he just asked me for another date. I don't even know what to say to him. I kinda want to keep him hanging, but that isn't really kind.

Reading this over, I can see how it ends. C3 is either going to either flake out again and make me nuts or get his act together, only to make me nuts later. I had resolved to try and push him into the friendzone, but his level of communication had picked up, and now I am hopeful again. Ugh. I just messaged him, asking if he was going to be around Friday and Saturday. The tournament may be rescheduled again for Saturday, so I need to see if ai can go up there to see him two times in a row, or if I even should. No response so far. We will see, I suppose.

Oh, and the guy from the game store that works there sent me a pic and we have dialogues some about poly and dating. I told him straight up that I had been lusting for C3 for a while. He thanked me for being honest about ipthings and what I was looking for. He told me he hadn't ever thought about poly as an option. That isn't surprising, seeing as I hadn't thought of it myself before this past August.

Oh well. I have decided to make 2014 my year for joy and optimism and even though I am all confuzzled and stressed here in my blog, in real life I am maintaining excitement and happiness that I have all these options that I never thought I would have to consider. That's pretty awesome, even if now in the short term it is stressful.

I have an earworm this week - Love Someboy by Maroon 5. It sums up my feelings for both C3 and A right now, but when I listen to it, I think of C3 the most with the original video, and A when hearing the duet cover by Justin Breit and Nicolette Mare. Mostly because the Maroon 5 video is sensual and sexy and the cover one is full of youthful happiness. Both of them make me very happy.

Truly, how wonderful it is to be a poly person. My new year is mine.
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  #165  
Old 01-04-2014, 12:39 PM
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Oh what the hell! I swear I wrote a new post yesterday and apparently it has disappeared. Gah!

Highlights:

I had another conversation with C3 and I am done with the idea of ever dating him. For real, this time.

My test results came back clean - for everything, including Herpes type I, which surprised me. A is making an appointment for his tests, Tues or Thurs next week.

B messaged me saying he wants to see me soon.

I had a date night with A on Thursday and the weather was so terrible, I ended up sleeping over. No penetrative sex, but lots of fun. We stayed up talking and snuggling until 4:30 am.

My new metamour not only welcomed me into their home before A arrived, (bad weather had him running late) but she made everyone dinner and wrote me a thank you card the next morning! She left me a bag of chai and a dark chocolate granola bar for breakfast, since she had already left for work. Unbelievable!

X kept messaging me, so I told him I wasn't interested. The guy from the game store is still messaging me, but it doesn't feel like it is going anywhere. I am setting up a date with another guy that lives 90 minutes NE of me - he is willing to drive - because we have 96% match and he is hella cute.
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Old 01-04-2014, 12:50 PM
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Continuing from the last post:

Yeah, A and I are more serious now. He told me he isn't looking to date anyone else and is happy with just S and me. His type of poly is very much polyfi and he wants to be able to have everyone hang out together and have no drama. So far so good. He sent D a message without me knowing, introducing himself, giving him his phone number and asking him to please contact him if he has any questions about his intentions, type of poly or anything at all. D let me know right away, and it both amused him, and pleased him. We are scheduling something this week at my house - maybe a board game or karaoke - so my two guys can meet.

A knows I am still seeing other people and seems fine with it.

The differences between the type of poly A and S practice and what I had grown used to with M and H are legion. SO not even similar.

I don't feel NRE yet with A, though it is right there below the surface. whenever I think of him I feel squee. Right now I feel bubbly and happy.

Tonight I was watching the Big Bang Theory and I was thinking that A looks a lot like Leonard, only with a goatee.
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  #167  
Old 01-05-2014, 02:20 PM
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I had a little bit of sadness yesterday, in regard to M. I threw away his toothbrush. That triggered me thinking about him later - how upset he made me, straight up promising that I would not lose my overnights during Christmas and New Years, that I would not be treated like I was secondary in that time frame, and how I was a priority, only to completely flip on every single one of those statements, and act like I was being unreasonable. I laid in bed last night feeling angry that he had done that, angry that he had broken promises before, yet I still allowed myself to believe him, angry at myself for loving him when he was so clearly not truthful about the type of poly he was practicing.

Sigh.

I didn't cry, but I did lay there and feel upset for a short while. D held me close in silence while I processed things. He is such a support.

I updated my OKC profile to reflect that I am seeing someone. I put in the first sentence that I only wanted contact from poly guys, 90%+ matches. I got over 100 visitors in the first half of the day! And one message, from a poly guy about an hour away that is a 70% match but with whom I had instant chemistry through messaging and who is absolutely gorgeous.

So I now have two sexy hot long distance poly guys who want to meet me. When it rains, it pours.
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  #168  
Old 01-06-2014, 01:07 PM
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B is now back from his trip out of state. How do I know? He burned up my phone ALL DAY yesterday messaging me almost non-stop. First, he told me how he had spent so much time missing me and thinking about me, and how he was really wanting to see me. (Our last date was Dec 5.) so, we have a date set now for tonight when he gets out of work.

I told him how I had been thinking about him, but in the context of how we had had unprotected sex and so I had to wait to get retested and not have sex with anyone else for a month! He was contrite about that, but also kind of nonchalant - that he knew he was clean because he had been tested a year ago, and hadn't been with anyone but me, and had been having AIDS tests frequently because of his job. I was like yeah, you knew that, and I knew that, but D and M didn't. But, now that I have tested clean again, it's all good.

Holy crap I have never had hotter sexting in my life. I had to stop and go masturbate twice. And this was even though D and I have had sex 3 days in a row, which for him is some kind of crazy record. I seriously felt like I was going to burn out my synapses in my brain, I was SO horny. Even though B was trying to set up like, a real date, I told him later that I just want sex tonight. Honestly, I want it really bad from him!

So the plan is for him to pick me up from my house, get pizza, go to a local sex shop where he is going to buy me a new toy, and then go back to his place for a sleepover. I am seriously not going to want to eat any of the food - just thinking about how hot tonight is going to be has me all worked up already.

Squeee!

I talked on and off with A yesterday, and I am waiting to hear back as to when he is coming over to meet D this week. He is supposed to make an appointment for his std testing too.
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Old 01-20-2014, 07:32 PM
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So I took a break from writing for a few days. I was really trying to think things through.

Everyone at my house has the flu right now.

Let's see. I had a crazy day last week where I had 3 dates in a row. The first guy was like Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory. He didn't look like him, but he was him in every other way. Lives an hour and a half away. We have a 99% match on OKC. He can only see me maybe twice a month though, and I've got that already with B, so I stopped talking to him.

Date 2 had a leather jacket and a fauxhawk. Gawd. He actually said to me - "Do you know how I keep calm during first dates? I just look at the chick and imagine to myself, she has already sucked my dick and she LOVED it. That's all I do. Works every time." Yeah. He was super hot but, uh, no thanks.

Date 3 was with A because I was driving back through his town on the way home. We had dinner. He was kinda taken aback when I told him I had gone on dates. Later I messaged him and told him, listen, we haven't said anything about being girlfriend-boyfriend, you haven't gotten your STD tests yet, I can't just sit around waiting for you to decide what kind of relationship you want. He agreed that this was fair. We split a few days after that. It was amicable, actually. He is still sweet and cute but it is very clear that both of us were kinda content to leave it in the friendzone.

B is still messaging me lots and being very attentive. I was supposed to see him Saturday night but I was feeling not so healthy at that point so I called it off. He messaged me today, very concerned about me. He's being sweet. I still really consider him more as a FWB at this point because I don't feel like he is a boyfriend since he is a crazy workaholic and I would go nuts if he was my only outlet. That said, he is more than a FWB though, since we do go on dates and hang out and do more than just have sex. I guess I will just call it FWB+ at this point. Anyway, we're good.

Last Thursday I had a date with J. He's exactly one hour away. I drove out to have dinner with him - we split the bill. I had been talking to him for quite a while on both OKC and texting. He's funny, and sweet and very attractive. Seriously, I MELTED when I first met him. Not since D have I felt that kind of instant connection. I am not just talking sexually, but on all levels. It was like, hello there, I think I know you. His smile just lights up everything. We closed down the restaurant with all of our talking. He hesitated when going in for a kiss though, so I gave him a big hug goodbye. Later I teased him about it and he gave it right back over text.

J drove out to see me last night, and we again closed down the restaurant with our talking. He shared SO MUCH about his past and his life with me. It was pretty awesome to have all that honesty right up front. He was so fucking sweet too. Oh, and ABSOLUTELY the best kisser ever. OMG he lit me up. I wanted to pull him into my van get to freaking but instead I said goodnight.

He wants to see me again, so I think I am driving out his way on Thursday. I am trying not to be too squee over things, but he is absolutely awesome. Let's see, he has dark curly hair, is the exact same height as me and is currently single. We have a 91% match on OKC. He has been the third in an open relationship before, but never really practiced poly. That makes me a bit hesitant, but not much. He is just such a great person and guy. He just gives off this vibe of shy sweetness that parts of me just REACT with on a subatomic level. I am determined to pull back a bit and not just fall head first into things but it is SO difficult when he makes it so easy. OMG though he is cute, cute, CUTE!
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Old 01-23-2014, 01:50 PM
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Tuesday B called me because the weather was awful and his work had closed. I went over and had a fun afternoon hanging out with him. He has a lot of stressors right now and he wanted someone to talk them through with, so I gave him that outlet. Poor guy. I really like B a lot and enjoy time with him whenever he can get me into his schedule. I messaged him this morning about maybe getting together tonight.

I ended up seeing J on Tuesday night instead of tonight, as we had scheduled. He joked that he thought I needed a harem. Sigh. Lately it feels like that is what I am building. That said, he had his STD tests scheduled yesterday morning. I was pretty shocked at how he needed no prompting or reminders that this is a requirement for me - he actually made the appointment after our first date! That makes me feel awesome. We have a tentative date to go out again - Saturday night.

Anyway, I met his roommate on Tuesday and we talked for several hours, not realizing how terrible the weather had gotten in the meantime. We headed out for dinner around 9:30, and every single restaurant in town had closed because of the icy conditions. We did find this really fancy bar that was open, eventually, and it was $1 burger night! Bad news that we found out at the end of the evening was that they charge an insane price for drinks and our bill was astronomical. My strawberry margarita was $10! We had good conversation though, and I had to laugh because we couldn't identify most of the music playing in the bar, but out of nowhere he was like, hey! I think that is Ke$ha, isn't it? I teased him all night because it WAS Ke$ha. ("Timber" by Pitbull) why should he know that?!

Some quirks of his were evident on Tuesday night and a couple of them had me pause. We will see where this goes.

Yesterday afternoon I was cleaning out my OKC inbox and I found a series of messages I had forgotten about and overlooked. Really good looking guy, funny, charming - asking me out to dinner or hiking. I was like, oh shit, I just never responded. We had had good conversations up to that point, so I couldn't see why I hadn't gone out with him. I flipped back through and noticed he had actually visited my profile again that very same day, so of course I emailed him immediately and apologized. We ended up meeting for dinner and drinks last night. We closed down the bar!

I think I put on a very good first date face and come across as very confident. There is no doubt in my mind about what I am looking for, and I know my own intelligence. Man though - some of the guys that have been messaging me and actively pursuing me lately - I just feel like they are SO out of my league. They are super fit, sexy, attractive, dazzling, smart, well-off financially. I am just floored by the attention. I find myself asking, what is wrong with this guy for wanting to go out with me?!

I know I need to take a step back and examine why I have such low self-esteem with this. I have been working really hard at getting good at accepting compliments. However, being able to accept compliments and believe the compliments are two very different things.

Anyway, this guy last night, even though we spent the entire night together hanging out and laughing and he was VERY CLEARLY into me, and he messaged me in the wee hours of the morning, telling me to please get back to him about my weekend availability, I still have difficulty believing that he has any interest in me. Like, why would he want to date ME? I find myself throwing up guards because of that and examining his motives. Though really, I don't think they are nefarious - he's just a guy going on a date! And if he didn't really like me, wouldn't he have left after our scheduled one drink at the bar? And then he extended it to dinner, and then suggested we hang out longer at the bar, and then we closed down the bar, and then he gave me an amazing goodbye kiss. Ok, kisses.

Ugh. I need to work on this.
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