Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 12-27-2013, 10:09 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

I didn't say you are the neurotic one but you are putting your relationship before your kid

You said she interrupts your kid's time with their dad. or are you taking that back, now?
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 12-27-2013, 10:21 AM
shurikenlove's Avatar
shurikenlove shurikenlove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 23
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
I didn't say you are the neurotic one but you are putting your relationship before your kid

You said she interrupts your kid's time with their dad. or are you taking that back, now?
I didn't say she was interrupting N's time. I said she was interrupting while he was with me, but I couldn't know about what goes on when I'm at work (5 days a week while G takes care of N). My concern is the interruption of my time with G. With our work schedules, we don't have much time together, so it's frustrating. Still don't see how I'm putting my relationship before N simply because I care about what happens to it. N's healthy, happy, and well loved.

Maybe I wasn't clear in my op about my issue, but it is not and never has been N's time with G. N is almost as bonded with G as she is with me.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 12-27-2013, 10:39 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Ok. This makes it clearer. Where is G and baby whilst you're at work? If they are at your home, 5 days a week away from his other partner on top of a work schedule is a lot of time away from his wife and other child. She probably sees that as you choosing for him to do his part of raising the baby when you're not there so if you don't get couple time as a result of that, that is your choice. All three of you know he is extremely stretched and needs to share his resources. If you had childcare, he would have more time to see his kid when you're there and you'd get couple time too
He could also take baby to his other home when you're working
The women could take both babies to allow couple time for others
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 12-27-2013, 11:15 AM
shurikenlove's Avatar
shurikenlove shurikenlove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 23
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Ok. This makes it clearer. Where is G and baby whilst you're at work? If they are at your home, 5 days a week away from his other partner on top of a work schedule is a lot of time away from his wife and other child. She probably sees that as you choosing for him to do his part of raising the baby when you're not there so if you don't get couple time as a result of that, that is your choice. All three of you know he is extremely stretched and needs to share his resources. If you had childcare, he would have more time to see his kid when you're there and you'd get couple time too
He could also take baby to his other home when you're working
The women could take both babies to allow couple time for others
He stays at my place, but sometimes he will take N to their place or bring L and J with him. I arranged for childcare to help him be at their home 4 days uninterrupted and at our home 3 days uninterrupted.

L couldn't watch N and J because she can barely handle J by herself (often calls G or texts me because he's upset and his crying stresses her out.) I can't watch J because L doesn't like pumping (bought her a really nice pump for date nights and when she goes back to work, but that was a huge waste of money) and doesn't want him to have formula. He's barely past his birth weight and he's 2 months old. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I couldn't make this up.

I have suggested these things and she's put up these obstacles, which is why I have concerns about her behavior. G complains that he doesn't get to see me much, but it's not my fault that he spends half of his visit on the phone. He got really upset with me when I canceled overnights for the foreseeable future because L calls him every time the baby wakes up. I get up at 6:45, so I think that's inconsiderate for her to do and him to allow.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 12-27-2013, 11:50 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

I don't think it's ridiculous to not want to formula feed your infant. Quite the opposite. But is he being seen by a healthcare professional who monitors his weight? If he is active, alert, having wet and dirty diapers and waking for feeds, he is probably fine.

The only thing you can do is continue to protect your boundaries and health as well as your babies health. Your partner has to manage his responsibilities better and maintain his relationships. You can't force him to take steps to protect your relationship and sooner or later, if he doesn't change, you'll have to decide if you can live with the deal you're getting. If you can't, you'll have to break up & be active co parents
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 12-27-2013, 01:14 PM
shurikenlove's Avatar
shurikenlove shurikenlove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 23
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
I don't think it's ridiculous to not want to formula feed your infant. Quite the opposite. But is he being seen by a healthcare professional who monitors his weight? If he is active, alert, having wet and dirty diapers and waking for feeds, he is probably fine.

The only thing you can do is continue to protect your boundaries and health as well as your babies health. Your partner has to manage his responsibilities better and maintain his relationships. You can't force him to take steps to protect your relationship and sooner or later, if he doesn't change, you'll have to decide if you can live with the deal you're getting. If you can't, you'll have to break up & be active co parents
I think that being unwilling to try everything is ridiculous. I exclusively breastfeed N I don't want to formula feed either, but I do as much as I can to keep my supply up and I pump so there are plenty of bottles. She whines that she never gets a break from J, but she doesn't want to pump. She doesn't like drinking water and she doesn't eat enough. J's doctor said she should supplement in the meantime because J is still so small and he isn't very active or alert, but she doesn't want to. G keeps asking me to help her, but I can only lead by example. I send articles and tell her what I'm doing that works and she brushes me off. I worry about J but there's nothing I can do, so I try not to let that be another stressor.

You're right. I'll just continue to take care of N and myself and if things don't get better, I'll have to reevaluate.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 12-27-2013, 01:34 PM
SouthernGal's Avatar
SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Mobile, AL
Posts: 87
Default

It's possible L is experiencing post-partum depression. I would bring this up to G. He's likely the only one that might be able to help her deal with it if that is the case. He could try talking to her OB about it and possibly the pediatrician if the OB is unavailable to him for some reason. I had post-partum deression for 2 years after my first child was born. I can't stress enough how irrational it can make you, and it could well put their baby at risk - already is if he's not thriving and she's not adjusting to take care of it. Please don't take it personally if that is what's going on, either. PP depression is a beast with a life of it's own and horrific to deal with. It doesn't care about anything and is very dangerous if left untreated. Please consider discussing this with G.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 12-27-2013, 01:56 PM
Inyourendo's Avatar
Inyourendo Inyourendo is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Crazytown USA
Posts: 1,100
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by shurikenlove View Post
So I'm supposed to throw away our relationship because there's pregnancy and nowthat the baby is here that the baby is patchYuri our and we have kids? That's not very good advice. And a new mom's feofelings are very important. Anyone who says hi os otherwise has never dealt with post partum depression. I loveinvolved r than life, and I love G or N wouldn't ein rheir life en be here. But G told me I was co-primary not secondary and that L was on board with that. I simply need advice on how to deal with this the right way. I don't want bad feelings to fester among us. Obviously, I want what's best for N. Broken hearted parents is not high on the list.
I think you aren't being treated like a partner. He's shown preferences all through your pregnacy and now and now that the baby is here hes not giving your child equal time. I would step away and let him be a coparent instead of a romantic partner because it sounds like she is going to find any reason to interfere at least if you arrnt involved romantically your child could have a dad half the time instead of little snippets when the wife allows him to go over. I think a proper custody arrangement is a splendid idea.
__________________
Sue, hinge in a vee with Nate (Polysexual) and Sam (monogamous)
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 12-27-2013, 01:58 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

If a baby is lethargic and underfed, a doctor would admit them to hospital if they wanted to keep their job
It is more likely the doctor is pro formula and wants to keep the charts happy
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 12-27-2013, 02:00 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
I think you aren't being treated like a partner. He's shown preferences all through your pregnacy and now and now that the baby is here hes not giving your child equal time. I would step away and let him be a coparent instead of a romantic partner because it sounds like she is going to find any reason to interfere at least if you arrnt involved romantically your child could have a dad half the time instead of little snippets when the wife allows him to go over. I think a proper custody arrangement is a splendid idea.
He has the kid 5x a week, on his own. It's couple time they struggle to find
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
parenting, polyamory and children

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:30 PM.