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  #1  
Old 12-27-2013, 05:30 AM
Justiss Justiss is offline
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Default introduction/ need advice

Placed a rather detailed summary on my situation with a married couple in the introductions thread, and I was wondering if I could gain some opinions and advice on what it is I got myself into, and how to best deal with it. I pasted it below.

My relationship situation is very complicated, as I think I attracted a married couple with their own sexual interests in me, and they are remaining faithful to the others needs in order to get what they want later (from me) without the attendance of their partner. Not sure if I worded that right, but so far in being involved with the both of them I feel more like a sex kitten used for entertainment than someone they view as a person. They have agendas and rules and guidelines with what they can do to me, and they are trying to live them all out, but I feel, and it is pretty obvious, that my needs aren't an interest or even a topic for them. Only recently, after I told the both of them to fcuk off, did the wife finally speak to me of what I like sexually, but again it was only about sex. I came here to learn all about this kind of situation, because I don't think what I am going through is normal or even fair. Currently we are all remaining friends, and for what reason I don't know. Maybe they do value me as a person, and I made it convenient for them to explore their sexualities, but I can't say for sure I know what the hell is actually going on. We are supposed to see each other on new years where I plan to be blatant in my feeling on the matter.
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  #2  
Old 12-27-2013, 06:13 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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See my post in your intro thread, and see also the following two articles:

So, somebody called you a Unicorn Hunter? (this would apply to them, not you)
A Proposed Secondary's Bill of Rights (this would apply to you)

Don't settle for second-class treatment. Insist that this couple treat you as a whole person, not as just some accessory.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
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Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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  #3  
Old 12-27-2013, 06:16 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Do they know that you want more than just sex with them? It may be that the agreements they have made with each other allow sex but not love - or something like that. If that is so they also need to make it clear to you so that you can decide if that is the sort of relationship you want to be in.

Are they new to this type of relationship?
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Old 12-27-2013, 12:45 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
Do they know that you want more than just sex with them? It may be that the agreements they have made with each other allow sex but not love - or something like that. If that is so they also need to make it clear to you so that you can decide if that is the sort of relationship you want to be in.

Are they new to this type of relationship?
Agreed. Some people have not even considered that they could be married and have other serious romantic relationship at the same time. Some people don't want that. They just want NSA threesomes. Have you discussed who wants what?
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Old 01-02-2014, 09:02 PM
Justiss Justiss is offline
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Originally Posted by Emm View Post
Do they know that you want more than just sex with them? It may be that the agreements they have made with each other allow sex but not love - or something like that. If that is so they also need to make it clear to you so that you can decide if that is the sort of relationship you want to be in.

Are they new to this type of relationship?
That's the thing. This whole scenario is beyond effed up, and at the time when I first joined I wasn't sure how to get out everything because it is so much more complicated than it sounds. I didn't want to over whelm.

I am not someone capable of love, at least I think I can't. And the man involved isn't either, so the situation with the three of us is dealing with two people who are a little emotionally stunted in comparison to the wife, who has enough of that emotion for all of us. I didn't come into this wanting anything but a good time and a close relationship with people I can care about in a friendship way, or I should say I can give them all I can in ways I best know how, and they are doing the same, at least he is. His wife seems distant now, and she has that fetish for watching him have sex with me. I stopped this all because I don't want to cater to her insecurities and their ego on him being a great lover.

Am I even making sense? I'm sorry if I am all over the place, there is just so much to write out.

They are new to this, yes, but not. They are interested in threesomes and other women, but only because his wife is sexually timid and she want to get out of her shell. I am her first female lover, first threesome, first serious female crush. He is just a overly sexed creature period, as I am, so for the both of us this "threesome" and even chance at polyamory is not anything new. He would do whatever he can to have his cake and eat it too, I am the same way. I knew him before the wife, and they mentioned a threesome, and it happened, but there was no communication. It was during a messed up night of drugs and drinking, but I was not emotionally invested enough to see it as anything but a good time. It went from the one time thing to a they want it all the time thing, and I cut it off after feeling like I was being used. We still have contact with the other, no sex involved, but now they are fucking in front of me, and it seems like it is to try and teach me a lesson.

I think this is doomed isn't it. I want to fix it because I have a feeling it can work, but there are too many games going on. Perhaps even on my end...
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Old 01-02-2014, 09:05 PM
Justiss Justiss is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Agreed. Some people have not even considered that they could be married and have other serious romantic relationship at the same time. Some people don't want that. They just want NSA threesomes. Have you discussed who wants what?
This probably is a no strings attached threesome, only the husband i really attached. And the wife seems to want to pass off some of responsibilities onto me, without allowing me what I would like in this.

I am going to talk to them, actually sit them down. This is far too messed up....
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Old 01-03-2014, 03:03 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by Justiss View Post
I am not someone capable of love, at least I think I can't.
Why not? Do you consider yourself incapable of love in general, or just with these people?

I am always curious when someone says something like this. There is no need to answer if you do not wish to.

Do you know what you wanted out of this, with them? If you do, are you getting what you wanted? Are they? Is it hurting anyone, including you?

If you are not getting what you wanted, do not feel treated well or respectfully, and maybe can't extend respect and care back to them (that possibility came across a bit in your postings), and are being hurt, or hurting others, it's time to let go.
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Old 01-04-2014, 02:21 AM
Justiss Justiss is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Why not? Do you consider yourself incapable of love in general, or just with these people?

I am always curious when someone says something like this. There is no need to answer if you do not wish to.

Do you know what you wanted out of this, with them? If you do, are you getting what you wanted? Are they? Is it hurting anyone, including you?

If you are not getting what you wanted, do not feel treated well or respectfully, and maybe can't extend respect and care back to them (that possibility came across a bit in your postings), and are being hurt, or hurting others, it's time to let go.
Incapable in general.

I can't say what I really want out of this to be honest....well no, now that I think about it I would like some form of equal interaction with the three of us, but I am positive it is not possible with them.I can't say I am hurt, but I have a feeling the wife can get hurt in all of this. If I were to be hurt, it'd be my ego, but not so much my emotions (feelings).
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Old 01-04-2014, 04:08 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by Justiss View Post
I am not someone capable of love, at least I think I can't. And the man involved isn't either, so the situation with the three of us is dealing with two people who are a little emotionally stunted in comparison to the wife, who has enough of that emotion for all of us. I didn't come into this wanting anything but a good time and a close relationship with people I can care about in a friendship way, or I should say I can give them all I can in ways I best know how, and they are doing the same, at least he is. His wife seems distant now, and she has that fetish for watching him have sex with me. I stopped this all because I don't want to cater to her insecurities and their ego on him being a great lover.

They are new to this, yes, but not. They are interested in threesomes and other women, but only because his wife is sexually timid and she want to get out of her shell. I am her first female lover, first threesome, first serious female crush. He is just a overly sexed creature period, as I am, so for the both of us this "threesome" and even chance at polyamory is not anything new. He would do whatever he can to have his cake and eat it too, I am the same way. I knew him before the wife, and they mentioned a threesome, and it happened, but there was no communication. It was during a messed up night of drugs and drinking, but I was not emotionally invested enough to see it as anything but a good time. It went from the one time thing to a they want it all the time thing, and I cut it off after feeling like I was being used. We still have contact with the other, no sex involved, but now they are fucking in front of me, and it seems like it is to try and teach me a lesson
Quote:
Originally Posted by Justiss View Post
Incapable in general.

I can't say what I really want out of this to be honest....well no, now that I think about it I would like some form of equal interaction with the three of us, but I am positive it is not possible with them.I can't say I am hurt, but I have a feeling the wife can get hurt in all of this. If I were to be hurt, it'd be my ego, but not so much my emotions (feelings).
Yeah, time to bow out and step away from sexual activity with them. I realize it may not hurt you to step away beyond perhaps your ego.

However, I do see the strong likelihood of her being hurt. It reads like she is an empathetic person who radiates emotions to her emotionally stunted male partner and now you. You are her first female sexual connection, first female crush. She does not sound experienced at all, and is insecure. Combined with a male partner who does what he wants to get what he wants - and the possibility that she will get badly emotionally burned goes up.

This kind of thing is hard when everyone is emotionally healthy and has a wealth of techniques to cope and grow. It does not read like you or he have that capability now, or possibly ever. (I hope this is not permanent.)

You do not seem to be getting much out of this. In fact, I wonder if you were drawn in because he or they felt you were unlikely to mind being used. At any rate, I suggest bowing out, not so much because you may be hurt, but because she is likely already hurting.

She's being distant to you and likely fucking in front of you to try and hurt you - yeah, that's a sure sign of being in pain. You can choose not to contribute to someone else's pain.

And you still deserve to have your needs met, be treated well and valued, even if love is not on the table. That is unlikely to happen here.
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Old 01-04-2014, 03:47 PM
Justiss Justiss is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
However, I do see the strong likelihood of her being hurt. It reads like she is an empathetic person who radiates emotions to her emotionally stunted male partner and now you. You are her first female sexual connection, first female crush. She does not sound experienced at all, and is insecure. Combined with a male partner who does what he wants to get what he wants - and the possibility that she will get badly emotionally burned goes up.
You are very correct in this. I noticed whenever we were sexual she had to get in a "prepared" mood, which essentially is a never sober mind. I'm not sure why she is even claiming to want this when it seems she never initiates it. She does radiate emotions to her partner, and me as well. When the three of us are together, having a great time when sex isn't involved she always makes comments about the two of us being too much, or how she can't take us anywhere. She gets in the role of caregiver and almost mother, instead of equal lover. She places us in a category she is not part of, and almost doesn't want to be part of.

Quote:
You do not seem to be getting much out of this. In fact, I wonder if you were drawn in because he or they felt you were unlikely to mind being used. At any rate, I suggest bowing out, not so much because you may be hurt, but because she is likely already hurting.
*sigh* I'm not, am I? In the beginning it was something nice. I was taken care of, but I know it was bribery, and I allowed it to happen because I liked being spoiled. I knew what it was for, and I would only "give in" when I was in the mood. This was doomed from the get.

He did admit to me, after I told him to fuck off, that he "and" his wife, were happy with this arrangement because I was not one to likely get emotionally attached. His wife stated I was "cold" and that was a good thing. I told him if we were to talk about her, she needed to be involved in the conversation. Him speaking for her was not a positive nor something to be trusted. Again, agendas. I don't like that.

Quote:
She's being distant to you and likely fucking in front of you to try and hurt you - yeah, that's a sure sign of being in pain. You can choose not to contribute to someone else's pain.
And I will. I may not love her, but I definitely don't wish to hurt her. I don't understand how her husband doesn't see this pain. He always says he doesn't do anything he knows she isn't comfortable with, yet during this whole threesome he refuses to let her initiate it on her own.

I think he is the manipulator in all of this, and he basically just wants to have a lover without cheating which would make him lose the marriage he needs to function. She is not comfortable about us engaging sexually unless she is there to watch (control), and I am not in to catering to her fetish which aides in her emotional and mental deterioration. If this was all to blow up I know he'd blame me, and she'd be damaged but stay, and he'd get away with this scott free.

I'm just ranting. Thank you so much for your advice. The red flags and flashing lights saying "GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!!!!!!!!" is working overtime. I haven't heard from them since new years day which is unusual, so I know it more than likely had to do with her discomfort and him trying to cater to that. During our time together in this round she was particularly snappy and crude, and she made bitchy snide remarks about my skin color, and how they aren't taking care of me. It just felt so wrong...
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