Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 11-28-2013, 07:36 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 260
Default

Ugh.

H is amazing. Listening to my stuff and chiming in or just supporting me at the perfect times. Our sex life has been better, so my relationship with him has improved again by leaps and bounds when it felt great to begin with.

Things with D are complicated. I'm fairly certain Z dislikes me. I know for a fact she doesn't like D seeing me, and she tries to interrupt or end our time together as much as possible. It's irritating, and it's hurtful. I've tried reaching out to her multiple times and gotten little to no response.

My friendship with B is kind of complex, as well. We act pretty much the same as we did when we were dating - do the same activities together and stuff - without the little intimacies. No random kisses (we kiss hello, goodbye, and during sex now), no cuddling, no handholding. I like it. It's fun and I don't worry about it when I don't see/hear from him for days. Everyone else finds it a little weird.

I've been talking to a new guy from OKCupid for a couple of weeks. We've tried to plan to get together a few times, but his wife was extremely ill then I got sick and now Thanksgiving... Eventually it should happen! He's nice, fun, a little nerdier than I normally am interested in (or nerdy about different things).

Other than that... Life is good. I'm starting to look for a new job to get better hours and potentially better pay rate. Not sure how feasible that is, but a girl can dream!
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 12-05-2013, 07:34 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 260
Default

Sooo much has happened lately!

H is now officially dating one of his good friends! They've both been interested in seeing the relationship become more intimate and romantic for a few months, but the timing has just now seemed to work out. Go H! He's all shy and nervous to talk about her too much, and I just love it.

D and I are possibly in the midst of breaking up. Z has said a slew of hurtful things to me to make it painfully clear she does not like, does not like D seeing me, and will not tolerate me affecting her life in any way that she has control over. D doesn't want to break up, but I don't see much alternative unless he wants to have an unhappy home life for the foreseeable future.

B and I are still chugging along as FWB. We talk a few times a week, see each other once a week or every other. It's fun, it's familiar, it's not stressful. Oddly enough, the relationship everyone else calls unhealthy is the one that is functioning as it's supposed to!

I still haven't met OKC guy. He's been sick and his wife has been sick as well, so maybe this weekend? We'll see. Another guy has also contacted me and asked if I'd like to meet for coffee. I'm nervous to start meeting new people, though, because I don't want to get into any kind of rebound relationship if D and I do end up calling it quits.

Y has been amazing through it all. H and I spent a few days with her and her family over the holiday and it was great. Cuddling and catching up on everything. She cooked, I cleaned. Felt like home and family. Wonderful.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 12-06-2013, 07:32 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 260
Default

Breakups are seriously the worst. Especially when there is no reason inside the actual relationship to cause it.

I'm going on a first date tonight, too. Seriously awful timing, but I don't want to cancel because it's so hard to actually find time to meet people. Oddly enough, it's not even the guy I've been trying hard to meet! It's someone else who has been friendly off and on for months, and we started talking a lot the last week or so. His wife has actually been on a few dates with B, which has the potential for some awkwardness, but I don't really see it mattering at all.

I have no idea where my personal life is going anymore. I'm not sure if I even want to think about it. I'm feeling like I need to give up on the idea of finding a serious relationship and enjoy moments as they come with no expectations of a future. Whenever I do that, I end up hurt.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 12-13-2013, 06:34 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 260
Default

"We accept the love we think we deserve." (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

Why was I so willing to accept love when it as selfish? When I was rarely allowed to actually feel any benefit from it?

Or maybe the real question is... Why do I still miss it? Why do I still cry at random, when I thought I was done with that a few days ago? Why does my heart leap to my throat whenever my phone goes off because I think it might be him saying he misses me, too? Why do I still want to check in to make sure he's okay, that he's happy, that he's moving on when really the last thing I want to think about is him forgetting me?

I know not being with D is better for me in the long run. It still hurts so damn much, though. The first time since high school that I have fallen in love with someone who fell in love with me, too, and it apparently wasn't meant to be. I hate feeling like this. Weak. Vulnerable. Rejected.

I ended up going on two first dates this week. One with a guy that seems extremely interested but isn't someone I am particularly interested in. The other with a guy who I could actually see myself with. Which sucks, because I am nowhere near ready to actually be with someone. He gets that, though, and we've agreed to limit our physical relationship and be more friendly instead of relationshippy. Whenever I've returned to baseline, we can re-evaluate to see what we are interested in.

I'm a mess, and I'm not entirely how to shake it off. I'm hoping that just giving it time will work.

H and I have a fantastic weekend planned. Hopefully that will keep me distracted enough that I will go a few days without crying again.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 12-19-2013, 01:07 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 260
Default

I was pretty darn down last time I posted.

D and I have since talked. Once. I realized that I don't miss his negativity when he is down - which is often due to low self esteem and a fucked up primary relationship. Pretty sure I'm on the road to over that one.

H and I did have a great weekend, and I got to hang out with the woman he recently started dating (as in going on dates, not relationship) which was really nice and funner than I expected. He is still kind of frustrated that I can have sex with other people when he and I have such a hard time coordinating a time to be sexual. A lot of that has to do with our schedules, though.

B and I have been talking more and are reading the same book right now which made me laugh. H is afraid B is starting to associate more to the connection that I am, but I don't see it. I've been wrong before, though. I did stay the night there one night last week, since it was late and I was tired and didn't want to drive home. I guess I don't really care what we do, as long as I don't get to the point where I expect anything from B or feel like I NEED time with him. FWB, dating, whatever... As long as we're having fun and nobody is getting hurt, it shouldn't matter.

The one guy who agreed to patient turned out to be the exact opposite. Almost every statement was about future plans or goals, and way too many of them included me. I cut off all contact when he didn't stop that stuff when I told him it made me uncomfortable.

The other guy (henceforth R) and I have hung out a few times. More sexual than I expected, but also no pressure. He is very much a "just see how it goes" kind of person which is nice. His wife and I have also hung out and talked a bit. She is an interesting person, too, although I don't see us really making too much of an effort to hang out except for group situations. She has some health limitations, and I am fairly busy, so the effort is going to be lacking on both fronts. We do get along well so far, though.

That's about it. It's not feeling like the holidays at all to me since H and I can't really afford gifts this year. Hopefully going to Y's house on Christmas Day to hang out with her family. Not sure if we'll make it or not, but we shall see!
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 12-27-2013, 02:48 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 260
Default

The letters are starting to feel to vague to me... H = Hubby (obvious relationship), B = Boy (ex-boyfriend/FWB), D = Doomed (ex-boyfriend), Y= Yarn (friend/self proclaimed platonic girlfriend), R = Radio, and introducing Lady (hubby's now official girlfriend!) and Brave (Radio's wife).

Christmas ended up being wonderful. Hubby and I were together the entire day with other people coming and going at random.

Boy spent a few hours with us, which was fun and nice. I have missed the rhythm that the three of us have - which mostly involves them being playful and ganging up to tease me then me pretending to have my feelings hurt so they have to come hug me and make me feel better. It's silly and comfortable and nice. On that front, I am realizing I probably have more emotion left for Boy than I thought, but it still hasn't been a problem. I have no desire to have an actual relationship with him. I don't expect anything from him, nor do I want to. Hubby is seeming more comfortable with the whole situation, too, which is really nice.

Lady came over in the afternoon and helped cook and ate dinner with us. It was relaxing and also surprisingly comfortable. Hubby made a joke one time about how we were being nicer to him than expected (we both tease him much like he and boy tease me) but that changed as we got more comfortable with the new dynamic. She is going to be staying with us for a few days next week as she starts moving out of the house she is currently sharing with her ex-partner. THAT will be an interesting test so early in her and hubby's relationship, I think.

Radio and Brave came over later in the evening after Lady had left. We just relaxed, chatted, and listened to music. Radio and I are going to have an entire day together tomorrow, which should be interesting. Brave kind of pushed for it, because she hasn't been feeling well and really needs to focus on getting stuff done - which means Radio needs to be out of the house. It should be fun. We're trying to plan something active, that Brave wouldn't be able to do for health reasons. I think the three of us may go on a group date sometime next week, if timing works out. I don't think she and I will really click romantically, but we get along well as friends and there could be some sexual attraction there if we spend more time together. Either way, I think the date itself will be fun.

Doomed also contacted me on Christmas. He seemed both glad that I am well and enjoying life and rather disappointed that he is no longer a part of it. More than once he told me how fantastic/amazing/wonderful/etc I am with a sad face included... While I enjoy the banter we get going every once in a while during these conversations, they don't really seem to affect me the way they affect him. In other words, they don't really affect me strongly at all while he always seems down for at least a portion of the time. I don't know if it is good for him or not, but I figure it's his decision and his well-being is not my responsibility at all so I'm just going with the flow there.

Yarn and I are going to try to get together soon. She is going to start teaching me to knit! Our interactions are noticeably different, more distant somehow, when we haven't seen each other for a few weeks. Time to make the guys play games so we can catch up, I guess... Not that they'll mind either. haha

So, life feels good again. Getting out of my funk, and really preparing to get out and see more of the world this winter. Last winter was NOT easy on me for a few reasons, so I want to make this one memorable for a much better reason. Wish me luck!
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 12-28-2013, 02:24 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,154
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
So, life feels good again. Getting out of my funk, and really preparing to get out and see more of the world this winter. Last winter was NOT easy on me for a few reasons, so I want to make this one memorable for a much better reason. Wish me luck!
Here's to love, health and HAPPINESS in the New Year!

Good Luck!
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 01-04-2014, 03:53 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 260
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Here's to love, health and HAPPINESS in the New Year!

Good Luck!
Than you so much, Jane. So far 2014 has been pretty much as expected (in a good way!).

I worked NYE. I got home about a half hour before midnight, Lady was here with Hubby, and we just ate dinner and relaxed and I got to see the love of my life get all giddy as he kissed me then his girlfriend at midnight. It was adorable and relaxing and fun. I'm enjoying getting to know Lady more, which is interesting because I have known her for over a year and never really felt like we clicked well. Maybe we have more incentive now.

Hubby and I also hung out with Yarn and her husband last weekend. It was nice to eat, drink, play games, then cuddle up on the couch with her and watch a movie while the guys continued playing. Fell asleep on the couch, actually.

Boy and I have been talking more seriously the last week or so. The end of the year approaching had us both a bit contemplative, which led to some interesting discussions. He feels like he has gotten a bit jaded about life in general and doesn't try as hard. Which leads to guilt because something he would have fought for in the past gets given up on now. Like his relationship with me. I found that interesting. I reiterated that I knew in the beginning that he was going through a lot of stuff, the timing was NOT good when we were dating, and that he needs to figure himself out before he's going to be able to dedicate himself to someone(s) like he wants to. I'm really glad we're friends again - I forgot how well Boy understands me, and he has said more than once that he missed being able to talk to me and really appreciates my feedback and advice and general acceptance/helpfulness.

Dinner with Radio and Brave this weekend, I hope. Hubby is slightly nervous that they may be interested in a FWB type relationship with the two of us, which he would be interested in but isn't sure how it would affect his budding sexual relationship with Lady. Radio is wanting to get more serious about dedicating time for the two of us to hang out, as well, which would be fun although I don't think I will ever "fall in love" with him or anything too serious.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 01-09-2014, 04:42 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 260
Default

Doomed contacted me today. I kind of thought we were just done talking. Apparently not. Somehow the conversation ALWAYS gets negative. What happened, what could have been, etc. I was over it, and made a comment about how he needs to stop wallowing since it was his choice to end things. He apparently did NOT like that, and the conversation deteriorated. It ended with me basically telling him that I had no desire whatsoever to have anything to do with him if he can't even take responsibility for his actions.

Don't get me wrong, I KNOW his fiancee is the one who told him he had to choose, but he's the one who let it get to that point. Who gave her the power to dictate who can and can't be in his life. That was HIS choice. So... Yeah. Bye bye, Doomed. A friendship's never going to work with all the shit that's between us.

On the bright side... Boy and I have noticed how much nicer we are to each other these days! We have all the good stuff and none of the bad. We're both loving the lack of love or expectation of it. haha

Hubby wants to get more into the casual sex arena again - for me, though. H really enjoys group sex and seeing me with other men, so he wants to focus on making that happen. I'm all for it, but I'm not really interested in having random sex partners so we're actually going to have to take the time to get to know some guys together. I'm hoping it'll work out.

Yarn and I haven't been meshing well lately. Different priorities and experiences, I think. We've also both been kind of hormonal and off. It doesn't help that she has had zero dates and very little fun time (outside of what she and her hubby do together or with the kids) the last few months. She's expressed jealousy/envy towards me and my dating and having multiple guys striving to have sex with me. Not sure what to do there, other than to continue telling her to put herself out there and MAKE time to get out to events she's interested in.

I'm feeling less interested in Radio. Brave wigged out a bit the last time Radio and I went out which gave me a not so great sense of deja vu. He seems very self-centered, and while he's understanding of my crazy schedule and we have fun when together, I have a hard time remaining interested in anything he really enjoys discussing when I don't get to SEE the passion on his face and in his voice as he talks about it. And since we have little to no overlapping interests... I'm just not feeling it at all.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 01-25-2014, 03:24 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 260
Default

There was a death in hubby's family. We traveled back to our home state for the funeral and to be with family for a week. It was stressful, it was busy, and it re-affirmed that we truly do love living where we do. It was also fantastic to see the kids (5 nieces and 2 nephews) as well as our parents, siblings, and, of course, all of hubby's extended family. While it was a sad reason that got us there, the visit was lovely, and everyone was able to reminisce and grieve together while we sat and played games and caught up.

So, back to reality!

We got back today. Changing time zones as well as lack of solid rest while we were gone made a nap necessary for me. Hubby had plans with Lady tonight, and I was going to go out with Boy. Well, Boy cancelled (family stuff), and hubby asked me while I was still mostly asleep if he could have the car since I wasn't going out (normally he takes public transit since he is more comfortable doing the mile walk from the bus stop alone in the dark - or I go pick him up when we get the timing down right). So, I am trapped at home (literally trapped - feet are blistered from walking in some BAD shoes this morning so going a mile to the bus stop isn't really doable). I really do not like feeling trapped. Trying to enjoy getting caught up in some shows and enjoying the fact that I don't have to wear pants while home!

We did some talking while we were out of town, and hubby and I THINK we've come up with a decent enough plan for time management for a bit. Whenever he wants to begin having overnights with Lady, we will have to make some changes (and she has invited him to spend the night this weekend, so it is hubby that is waiting to take that step - which I am incredibly grateful for and have told him such), but I love structure so even having a short term idea of how things will go makes me feel tons better.

Radio didn't contact me AT ALL during the week. I had plans with him the day before we flew out, but I needed the time to pack and get things ready so I asked him if he wanted to come over instead of going out as we'd planned - he said no, he'd feel in the way and it wasn't worth the hour or so each way that it takes on public transit. Fine. Then I text him when we land and ask some random questions about stuff he has going on. No response. All week. We get back today, and I get a text about how it was a crazy week for him. Well, me, too. I just lost someone who has been a part of my life and family to me for a decade. Some support or a "thinking of you" at some point would have been nice. His seeming utter lack of interest in being a support for me is enough for me to just be done with him as a person. I don't need any more selfish people in my life.

I did start talking to a guy from OKC right before we got the news about the death, and we'd tentatively made plans for this week. That obviously didn't happen, but he continued chatting with me via text all week and was very kind and sweet. I'm not sure that I'll have time to have coffee with him this week, but I'm hoping that we can make that happen. We've actually crossed paths at some events before, so it's interesting that we've never REALLY met just seen each other from a distance. We're both just looking for friends, with the potential for more down the road, so it's nice to have a no pressure person around to talk about nonsense with.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:59 AM.