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Old 12-26-2013, 10:52 AM
RoseMartha RoseMartha is offline
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Default Not too sure how I feel Right now

Hi! Iím new here, and of course I need advice.
I have two partners. Both are aware of each other, but they are not friends and do not spend any time together. Each relationship is very separate. I have had conversations with both partners about safe sex practices and have come to honest agreements with both of them. My problem today involves only one partner, Tom.
Tom and I have agreed to two things 1. Notification of a new sex partner (which is all that is required, ďHey, sleeping with someone new.Ē) 2. Use of condoms outside of our relationship.
So of course when I was on the phone with Tom today, he told me he started sleeping with someone new. She is a FWB heís been very rarely and casually seeing over the past year. This is the first time they've slept together (we both usually like to share/hear details). Tom and I chat some more, he has to go, I hang up. But for some reason I have the urge to text him and ask if he used a condom. Tom says, no, he didn't. He really didn't expect to be sleeping with her, and heís sorry he broke the rule.
So new sex partner for Tom, cool. I've no problems there.
Tomís lack of condom use? Iím ticked. It is something we very mutually agreed to. It directly affects my well being. While at least he was honest when asked, he didn't say anything until I asked. He wasn't going to tell me unless I directly asked?? This is the first time it has come up for us (new sex partners), but Tom has been actively looking for NSA or FWB sex opportunities. And he doesn't have a condom lying around?
Now, obviously if I chose to continue my sexual relationship with Tom, we will be using condoms from here on out.
But right this moment, Iím pretty hurt. People make mistakes and all, but it was an agreement between us. He seems pretty flippant about my safety (and his!). If I hadn't have asked, he would have put his unprotected, possibly diseased, P in my V without saying anything. My trust from Tom has taken a HUGE hit. Frankly, I feel like I have been ďcheatedĒ on.

I just wonder what others thoughts on this might be? If itís happened to someone else and how they felt or dealt. Itís hard to talk to my ďnormalĒ friends about this. They canít seem to get the idea out of their head that Iím having some sort of sexy free for allÖ
Thanks for reading!
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Old 12-26-2013, 04:07 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Since he can't honor your agreement about safe sex practices I would no longer go barrier free with him
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Old 12-26-2013, 04:08 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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N and J have an agreement that they will use condoms with others and if they decided to go without then they would start using them again.
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Old 12-26-2013, 05:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am very sorry you are upset.

Quote:
While at least he was honest when asked, he didn't say anything until I asked. He wasn't going to tell me unless I directly asked??
Quote:
He seems pretty flippant about my safety (and his!). If I hadn't have asked, he would have put his unprotected, possibly diseased, P in my V without saying anything.
Those two seem to be the biggest issues.

Quote:
My trust from Tom has taken a HUGE hit. Frankly, I feel like I have been “cheated” on.
You have found your trust in Tom was let down. Not just once (lack of condom use) but twice (responsive if you ask, but not forthcoming on his own.)

Here's what you could do at this point in time:
  • You could express those feelings to Tom. Or not. Up to you.
  • You could continue a relationship with Tom. Or not. Up to you.
  • You could use condoms with Tom. Or not. Up to you.
  • You could use barriers with ALL partners. Or not. Up to you.

I would strongly suggest the last even if you don't do the others.

When you trust others to do you sex health care for you (ie: condoms used in sex share with other people) that is not YOU doing all YOU can for YOUR sex health care. (ie: condoms used in sex share with ME.)

It gives your power away. And I think maybe part of the disappointment you feel right now is disappointment in you. I mean that kindly -- no judgement or blaming at all. You could be more careful with your sex health going forward -- that's all.

Hope you start to feel better soon emotionally.

Physically... could make the appointments you need to get screened -- hopefully it is nothing but best to get checked out.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-26-2013 at 07:11 PM.
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Old 12-26-2013, 06:10 PM
RoseMartha RoseMartha is offline
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Thanks for the responses!

Yes. We will be using condoms for sex.

GalaGirl- It's true some of the disappointment is in myself. My sexual health IS my responsibility. Don't worry, didn't feel judged by your comment. Also I get tested regularly, and already saw this as a great time to get screened again


I guess I didn't share the details, but Tom and I have been in a relationship for a year and a half. We have had an open relationship for the last 6 months, and the decision to open the relationship was very mutual.

I am most hurt because I really thought this was something I could trust Tom in. I am most hurt with myself because I misjudged trusting Tom. The whole thing is making me second guess how much I trust Tom in and out of the bedroom. And it's making me second guess my ability to judge how much trust to put in Tom.

On the plus side, a few deep breaths and some sleep took the doom and gloom horror emotional explosion edge off Much more able to sort out my own feelings.
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Old 12-26-2013, 06:38 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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Maybe he would have told you later. Maybe not. At least he was honest when asked.

And people do dumb things in the heat of the moment. You have to make some safer sex choices.

But I would focus more on the idea that he was honest when asked and talk about how to avoid this in the future.
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Old 12-26-2013, 07:21 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I am most hurt because I really thought this was something I could trust Tom in. I am most hurt with myself because I misjudged trusting Tom. The whole thing is making me second guess how much I trust Tom in and out of the bedroom. And it's making me second guess my ability to judge how much trust to put in Tom.
Could not dwell. Move it forward.

To me this is a co-owned mistake, and mistakes will happen in polyshipping. Nobody is perfect. More so than the mistake making, it's how you handle it moving forward.

People might be "WILLING" to polyship, but some of the "ABLE" is going to be learned in practice. There's going to be a learning curve.

Yes, the agreement was "use condoms with other people so that we can be safe in our sex health. "
  • To that end? So he can keep his agreements? He could have had condoms on hand to help himself meet his agreement with you and keep his own sex health safe.
  • To that end? So you can be safe until you can trust Tom skills in a new situation? You could have ALSO had "condoms with me" on there. Then you are 2 barriers in rather than 1 barrier that depends only on Tom's follow through.

You did check in with him though. Plus for you.
He wasn't forthcoming, but he did respond. Plus for him.

Both made some mistakes, both have some plus things.

Could talk, sort it out, and then play ball.

I'm glad writing it out is helping you take the edge off. Hang in there.

Galagirl
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  #8  
Old 12-26-2013, 07:48 PM
london london is offline
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We have this rule too. The full agreement is that we will use condoms with others but we are open to fluid bonding with people we trust who are on the same page about STD prevention and quick diagnosis. That is something we would discuss in advance of fluid bonding occurring rather than after so any discrepancies can be cleared up.

If my partner faulted on this agreement, there would be a few factors that determined whether we could continue our relationship. One would be whether he had at least checked their STD testing habits. If he had the necessary talks with them but not with me, it might soften the blow.

I do believe in trusting your partner's intentions and partner selection. Having a relationship style that reflects that does leave you at more risk of your partner just kind of going with their feelings and doing something fairly big without consulting you in the same way people in a more couple centric relationship would and that's simply part of endorsing organic relationships. Someone who didn't prove themselves to be worthy of that level of trust wouldn't be a suitable partner for me
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Old 12-26-2013, 07:54 PM
RoseMartha RoseMartha is offline
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Iím glad I found this board. After lurking for a while, and now posting myself I have found it to be very helpful! Everyone is very straight forward with their opinions and advice, and they are also kind and respectful about it.

I agree with everything posted so far. Yes! Better safe sex practices for me! (you guys are really driving that one home, donít blame you, but thatís the part I had worked out already hehehe)
I also agree that I can either choose to move forward or dwell on it.
I know my feelings are my own, there isn't really a right or wrong to them, but I wonder if anyone else would feel hurt as I do? (the source of the hurt really being from the broken agreement)
Using protection between us really eliminates this problem on this subject in the future. So thatís a plus. He was honest in the end, and he did apologize. And what more can be done? Sigh, forgive and forget, huh?
I have learned more about myself, others, and relationships in the last six months of poly relationships than I have in 14 years of mono relationshipsÖAnd the biggest thing I've learned about myself is that when I feel hurt by someone, I need to take a big step back and think on things for a while. Iím very good at quick thinking and decision making. Except when Iím hurt. When Iím hurt I make very poor decisions and react very emotionally, often times disproportionately.
Thank you everyone for listening and sharing their thoughts. Itís helped me to pin point somethings.
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Old 12-27-2013, 01:40 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I know my feelings are my own, there isn't really a right or wrong to them, but I wonder if anyone else would feel hurt as I do? (the source of the hurt really being from the broken agreement)
Sure. I'd feel disappointed. Nobody LOVES agreements being broken!

But feelings are internal weather. Some emotions are fun to feel. Some are not. Sunny skies or rainy days -- they blow on through if you let them.

Quote:
Except when I’m hurt. When I’m hurt I make very poor decisions and react very emotionally, often times disproportionately.
Happens to most people sometimes. That's what taking a time out is for -- to regain composure and be able to move forward with a cooler head.

GG
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