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  #81  
Old 12-20-2013, 01:17 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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SouthernGal, well, maybe the snow would be a reason for me to come visit YOU. The blog thread is a good way of getting out the thoughts and emotions while they're somewhat formed, but not formed enough to actually talk about with P and/or M1 yet. I've made THAT mistake before, and if I'm talking while still working through all the emotions, everyone's fix-it nature tends to glom onto and try to fix the wrong things. Lesson learned - I get my ducks in a row first, then talk... THEN screw it all up anyway.

Monogamish1 (I'd abbreviate your name as M1, but then it'd get ALL confusing!), thanks - I hear you on the support. It's good to have the blog thread here, since I feel that some of my issues to work through are more "mono" than what I want out on the relationships and discussion threads. Also, they tend to get worked out faster than I'd get replies, so there'd be a lot of, "Thanks, folks, but we got it," type of responses.

I'm in the same boat with trying to undo training from years of marriage. I still balk at actually calling my ex abusive, but the marriage, after time, was pretty manipulative and emotionally difficult. Between that, trying to figure out what I need out of all this (and the ups and downs over the couple of years in my relationship with P doing that), and the logistical nightmare of scheduling around three people, four kids, and various events (I know why LR has a family model - OMFG, this is hard without it!), it's a hell of an adventure. But the journey with P is a good one, so I grab my blank road map and keep going.

As for the Partner thing, well... it snowed again on Tuesday. At least it was fluffier this time. P was here, and we shoveled, walked in the snow down to the corner store, waved at the plow guy (and he plowed out the end of our driveway - sweet!), and it was just plain old NICE to have him there to help (and fun to do it together). We began having the difficult conversation - I wished he'd been here on Sunday, during that storm. He wanted to be here too. I'd told him that I'd been chewing on that a couple days, that it's tough to think of him as my partner, yet inaccessible when I want to lean on him (or do anything with him) on the days he's with M1.

He said he understood in a way - that his ex-wife used to depend on him to do all the shoveling, taking care of the horses, etc., while she stayed in bed or ate devil dogs or whatever. That he felt he should be able to depend on her, but couldn't. He didn't have a fix for me, but said he understood the emotions, and we hugged, and I cried (and felt kind of weird about him comparing himself to his ex-wife), and we went back inside and watched Doctor Who and smoked some hookah while I processed it all.

I fired off an email two days ago, after getting my thoughts in order - no expectations, no need to DO anything, just to get my thoughts out. It was a bit more ordered than my previous post here. I know I don't want to rethink our relationship yet - I have work to do in defining what it is that being/having a partner means to me, but I owned up to that, owned up to the fact that my expectations/wants don't always mesh with what is reality, and that when he's not here for me in some way (phone call, able to help), it's tough to reconcile his being my "partner" with him choosing to not be here.

I also owned up to the resentment toward M1 when this happens. Basically, she's the embodiment of why he's not here, and she makes a real easy scapegoat, emotionally. I know it's not fair, but that's where the emotions go first, and then I have to process it all and put them where they belong.

I don't like admitting that to P, since he gets protective of us, and I don't want to invoke that protective response toward her and against me.

However, we've been through enough of these discussions & moments that he understood. The emotions are what they are, and he thought that the "what does partner mean to me" discussion would be a good one. No fighting, no accusations, no thinking I'm a raging bitch for feeling the way I do. It was a good emotional dump, and now we work on finding a way to better get through it the next time it happens.

Onward and upward. Today is my Xmas shopping day. I have the kids with me tomorrow through Christmas morning, so this is my last opportunity to shop for them without them being around. Nothing like waiting 'til the last minute.

If I don't post for a few days, have a wonderful holiday season. We'll be celebrating Yule, Christmas, and the New Year (taking the kids to our annual NYE hockey game with indoor fireworks ) - I hope you all have great times with your loved ones (and that you get to relax and enjoy it)!
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #82  
Old 12-20-2013, 05:54 PM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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I've only been able to skim your latest posts but I have to tell you a lot of it sounds familiar. Even though I have the independence thing down cold - perhaps even too independent - so many questions you pose resonate. I have proven to for years that I can take care of myself very well but I made room in my life to love him, to allow him to depend on me and omg even me to depend on him. I call him my partner. But what is a partner? I live with him. We share a lot of my money. So that is a big chunk, but what about shared life goals, energy, creativity? He is more than a boyfriend but a true partner? Would I go into business with him?

As far as multiple partners - sure with enough free time I could have casual partners. But I don't want to dilute my fierce love energy. I know some insist they can love more than one with that intensity but so far I can't. And geeze, I have a big job, a commute and friends and a home and I seem to take a lot of self care.

It seems you also have to fight the temptation to blame - blame him, her, whatever. I'm in the middle of struggling with that. I'm pissed that I have to spend so much emotional energy coping with his poly. But then I have question that assumption, I chose to be here, and then the next assumption. It is getting possible for me to do it now without the emotional volcano. Wow I read you are challenging it too. If I wrap my brain around what this relationship is, accept it compromise, the next thing I know, I have something I never wanted in the first place. Something I swore I never would do again. Yikes!

I dashed that out, I need to run, but I was happy to read that I'm not alone. May the force be with us!
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  #83  
Old 12-20-2013, 11:02 PM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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It was 72 here today. I dream of a green Christmas. lol

May I suggest you think of P in much the same way you would think of a boyfriend with a separate home a distance away? Before my hubby, I dated a man for 14 months that lived about 50 minutes away. He owned his own home, so he wasn't moving in with me and I need an excellent internet connection for work (I'm a remote employee) that wasn't available in his area, so I wasn't joining him. He couldn't be there for me easily, but I could accept that pretty easily. We broke up because of his jealousy issues, not because of availability.
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  #84  
Old 12-24-2013, 04:08 AM
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Well, he *is* kinda long-distance, so that's part of it anyway. If I do get a particularly bad snowstorm, and he's 1.5 hours away, he's not getting up here to help, regardless of whose name is on the calendar.

It does work for some of it (once the emotions calm down a bit), although there are other parts that don't (like my wanting to respect his time with M1, so I feel as though I shouldn't call unless it's an emergency - if he were simply living 1.5 hours away, I'd still call to talk with him).

Shrug.

I dunno. We had a calendar swap due to our kids' schedules and all, so we have had a few days' stretch apart (although we did all get together with his family for Yule yesterday, which was really nice), and I will be looking forward to when he gets here on Christmas. It's difficult, but not insurmountable. But I do want to have that "partner" talk with him at some point (AFTER the holidays). It will, at least, be an interesting discussion.

Thanks, BTW - I don't want to sound like I'm saying "thanks but no thanks" - I just tend to think "out loud" a bit before settling on something.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #85  
Old 12-26-2013, 02:48 PM
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Hear that sound?
It's that post-holiday-letdown deflating-balloon sound. Holy crap.

Four days away from P at a stretch, one day "on" (Christmas), and now two days away again, with another four-day stretch away coming up over new year's.

Keeping my eyes on the four-day weekend we have coming up after the new year, because this SUCKS.

Yeah, I know folks spend longer periods apart from their partners, LR especially, and I don't know how you do it. Although I guess one day (and a busy friggin' day at that) to reconnect before they go away again is probably not the way to reconnect after time apart.

I've got the post-holiday-letdown going on, missing P and wanting to reconnect another day on top of that, and my ex was being a complete DB last night (although he was trying to be "helpful"). Wouldn't mind just spending the day in bed, but I've got reviews to write, and since the office is DEAD, it's a good time to come in and do it.

I see P again Sat/Sun, with Saturday being another busy day ("Christmas, parte deux"). Looking forward to sleeping in Sunday.

Oh well.

I'm not doing myself any favors by going back through the calendar to see if we really did swap days fairly, or if I'm "losing" a day (which it seems I have, somehow). I start getting competitive again and pissy about losing a day while I seem to be the only one who cares. And then, I feel petty about it all.

The next four-day block is an even swap - P and I have four days in NYC following that, and it'll be some nice time away. Eyes on the prize, I guess.

I hate to be tit-for-tat, but if the only way to stop feeling like I'm being taken advantage of is to track the swaps a bit better, then I'll start doing that in 2014. Time for me is so damned important, and when I feel the pinch, it really sets off the emotions. At least, if I know what the hell we swapped for, I can point to it and tell myself to quit my bitchin' - that I got <x> days instead. Usually we're pretty good with that, but with all the swapping in October through now, I think we've all lost track.

Oh well... Apologies for the rambling post. For the most part, the days leading up to Christmas, Yule, and then Christmas Day were pretty good. Mom spent time at the house with me and the girls, and outside of one Ambien-fueled incident, I didn't really want to kill her.

(Seriously, Ambien makes you do WEIRD SHIT if you're not already in bed when it kicks in. And she remembered none of it the next day, which made for an interesting chat...)

Still have to get Christmas cards out (I guess they'll be New Year's cards), and I need photo paper to get my pictures printed up. Oh well. If something's gotta slip, there ya go.

So... Busy busy busy few days, a big holiday letdown, calendar issues (and an impending "what does being/having a partner mean to you" conversation with P some time in the future), but a long weekend trip on the horizon. Just gotta hang in there.

Still getting the hang of "doing the holidays" as a divorced parent, too... I'm sure that's part of it all. Finding new traditions and figuring out how it all works.

Ah well... Onward and upward.

Hope everyone here who celebrates had a nice Yule and/or Christmas, and wishing you all a good close to the year. Here's to a good 2014! <clink>
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #86  
Old 12-26-2013, 02:55 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
(Seriously, Ambien makes you do WEIRD SHIT if you're not already in bed when it kicks in. And she remembered none of it the next day, which made for an interesting chat...)

Hope everyone here who celebrates had a nice Yule and/or Christmas, and wishing you all a good close to the year. Here's to a good 2014! <clink>
Oh yeah on the Ambien! Do NOT take until going right to bed. I've heard stories of people spending the night on the toilet because that is where they were when it kicked in. And the dreams apparently can be super wacky and disturbing.

<clinks YAH's glass back> Onward to 2014!

It's an even numbered year. It'll be better. I firmly believe this.
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  #87  
Old 12-26-2013, 03:49 PM
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I have a friend who has held multiple-hour-long conversations while on Ambien, even attempting to do home repairs once! Yeesh... As it was, I had mom take my bed while I slept downstairs, since I didn't want her to mess around with the wood stove while "under the influence". Ambien and a hot wood stove... not a good combo.

As for 2014, let's keep looking up! A clink and a toast! Thanks, Opal.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #88  
Old 12-27-2013, 02:36 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh yeah on the Ambien! Do NOT take until going right to bed. I've heard stories of people spending the night on the toilet because that is where they were when it kicked in. And the dreams apparently can be super wacky and disturbing.
I don't now if he was on Ambien, but you just reminded me of one of my cousin's father who had fallen asleep while having a smoke on the toilet, fell off, and broke his ankle. Yeah, weird.
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  #89  
Old 12-27-2013, 02:36 PM
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Well... Do I feel like an asshole.

Yesterday was a tough day. Like I said, one day to reconnect after four days apart was tough. Add to it the fact that our reconnect day was Christmas and it was a busy-ass day, AND my ex basically, in his own special way, sent me a few texts that just pushed my "you're being marginalized as a parent again" button, and that just made the situation worse.

So here I was, putting around last night, trying to distract myself with stuff to do, and doing okay, but basically feeling grouchy about the situation, P, M1, all that. I was in a bitchy funk, I guess.

Shoveled the snow (well, pushed it around a bit, since it really WAS fluffy this time), P called me, and we chatted a while, and then it was time for dinner. I get halfway through my plate and I hear a car in the driveway. Then the door opens up.

My thoughts were, "Is this P?! Or is this someone just walking into my house?!" So I walked over, yelling 'HELLO!!' (what was I going to do if it were an intruder, throw my brussels sprouts at them?!) and yeah... it was P.

All the emotional crap I was dealing with - all the hating of the situation - all the anger going here, there, and everywhere, and all my efforts to try to redirect it and contain it pretty much exploded into tears.

I did manage to tell him that just walking in the door when I'm not expecting him is NOT a good idea (if only just because I'm going to whap him with a log or something, thinking he doesn't belong here!).

He and M1 talked at lunch... he felt awful and knew that the one day wasn't enough for me, and it wasn't really enough for him, either. M1 was more than accommodating, and she was all set to have him take the next TWO days up here with me. He basically had to say nooooo - four days apart sucks, regardless of which direction it's in.

So... all the emotions, all the anger, all the CRAPTACULAR feelings, and now I feel like an ass because they both just sort of surprised me with an extra night with P.

First thing I did (well, after prying my drippy-eyed self off P for a bit) was to text M1 and tell her what that meant to me.

Ugh.
It's so damn easy to be in a situation you don't really know how to navigate (poly) and don't always like (the time apart, the "big family" stuff), and vilify the people involved (M1). And something like this is just truly humbling and makes me step back and see that she cares too. It's not about her pulling him away from me.

So yeah. Humbled. And happy as hell to have another night with P. Better than any of the Christmas presents I received this year, to be honest. Although the fuzzy Cookie Monster pants and suuuuuuper fuzzy bathrobe come in a close second.

Will I learn my lesson and quit blaming and getting emotionally spiked? I dunno. I hope to curtail the blame a bit, but it's a response I'm going to have to un-learn, I think. It's easy to live in the reality we create in our own heads (M1 "taking P away", for instance) and not look up and see what's really going on.

And now that the brunt of the holiday season is over (except for more family coming over Saturday), that stressor will be gone as well.

P says he loves the right women. M1 really did something she didn't have to do, and I appreciate that more than I can say. I guess as long as he can consider my emotional self to be one of the right women (and sometimes I wonder), then yeah. I guess he does.

Okay, onward and upward. Wood stove is cranking, I've gotta get my butt into work for a couple hours at least (what a dead week this is), and do some shopping. Making a couple lasagnas tonight - one for the neighbor and one for dinner tomorrow. Mmmm... Lasagna...
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 12-27-2013 at 04:44 PM.
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  #90  
Old 01-02-2014, 04:22 PM
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Default Timing is everything...

Timing. It really is everything.

In NH, vehicle inspection is due to be completed at the end of your birth month. I usually have time off at the end of the month, so last week (or rather, early this week), after I brought the kids back to their dad's, I renewed my registration and went for my inspection.

You see where this is going, don't you?

FAILURE.

I had forgotten that, a while back, the strap holding my muffler had rotted through, and P jury-rigged a fix with some fencing wire to hold that puppy on. Apparently, that's not a "proper restraint". Who knew?

So I get to get the car fixed. Nobody could get the part until today. Well, sorta.

Snowstorm started early this morning, and it's supposed to continue through the night, leaving about a foot of snow (at least it's COLD, so it's the fluffy stuff). No parts and the roads are getting worse. I'll call the guy tomorrow and see if we can work something out then (if he's got the part) before I drive down to P's so we can go to NYC this weekend.

Otherwise, I'm driving down to P's with an out-of-date sticker (and the paper in my glove box that says why, along with the hope that anyone who pulls me over isn't a jerk about it).

Wheeeeeee!

Four days apart from P again, then four days on our trip. When return, there should be another cord of wood waiting for us to stack. I really cut it close with this cord - I've got maybe a day's worth left, and I have a day left in the house before going away. I love efficiency, but that's really pushing it.

Still grappling with the negative thoughts creeping in. Had the epiphany last night (after a couple glasses of wine) that all that mellows out after a couple drinks. I really don't want to self-medicate that way to reduce the negativity, so I want to figure out what gives... why I'm all gloom and woe at times without the happy juice, and how to get rid of that feeling without it. There's something that it's dulling that lets me just be in the moment without dwelling on shit... how do I get there otherwise?

I think Mags posted something a while back about acknowledging the feelings, then moving on - immersing yourself in the moment. I have a hard time not dwelling on them and chewing on them over and over again, like I'm trying to fix them. Maybe I can't. At least, maybe I can't fix all of them right then. Maybe realizing that is step one of acknowledging them and moving on?

A good exercise. I think tonight will be a tea night. I've got lots of chai from Teavana that I need to get through anyway.

Anyway, I'm inside today (except for when I'm outside getting wood or pushing snow around). I've got stuff to keep me busy, and I even bought myself Mario Kart yesterday (okay, I'm still a bit of a kid inside) to play with when I get bored with crap TV. Also got my Mel Brooks box set that I should watch more of. Hope all you folks dealing with the storm stay safe and warm today!
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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