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  #1861  
Old 10-10-2013, 11:04 PM
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I live in a house now where I spend times in different areas of it for different reasons. I live between two houses. Downstairs I live with Mono. His furniture that we bought together, his space that he pays for to PN and I. He does the house work and makes his own meals. He has his own bed there and his own man cave set up where he watches stuff I don't like and goes on his computer. He helps out around the house when he feels like it or is asked and we borrow his truck sometimes. He has a spare room that I have my painting set up in and I have a room of my own in his area of the house.

Every night we share my bed and his bed is empty. I used to sleep there when I couldn't sleep but now we sleep wrapped up in each others arms every night and have done since the spring. We cling to each other and breath together. I listen to his heart beat still looking for signs that it is racing as it did when we were struggling this past year or two. I have no sign of it any more. I read him easily and there is nothing to read right now other than contentment.

Upstairs I am mumma. I make meals, do house work, discuss household activities with PN and plan social events. We host most social events upstairs unless the people coming over are Mono and my friends and then he and I host downstairs. LB has his room upstairs but he comes down sometimes to spend time with Mono and I and snuggle in my bed watching tv and reading as he is right now.

Outside PN and I garden and Mono cuts the grass. Mono helps out if we ask but otherwise he has his own space out there and he sticks to that. We spend time at the fire pit or sitting drinking tea each afternoon in the summer. There are apple trees that Mono eats all of the apples off of and LB has a trampoline that he bounces on every day.

Upstairs I have a dresser, clothes in PN's closet, coats in the coat closest, shoes, stored clothing and items, books on the book shelf. There is my furniture from my family up there and furniture that PN and I purchased together and family photos, music and tv etc. Lots of computers too as Mono likes us to have many each from various jobs he's done or deals he's found.

I have been getting rid of tons of stuff to make room for PN to have his own space and spread out a bit. He wants me to move my stuff out but there is no where to move it to. I have a side table by his bed to get rid of, clothes in the closet to move out, my dresser and accessories to put somewhere... I don't know how to achieve this and have my own space. He is patient and waits. If he gets a girlfriend I don't know how this situation will go down with her.

I am not really part of either house and don't really have a place. That bothers me sometimes but I also am fine with it as long as the guys are okay with it. If anything happened to change our situation I would move out, we would sell up and divide everything according to who owns what and what we need.

I have no fear of anything any more. I actually fantasize that I might have my own place as a result of change. While on the bike trip this summer I had time, sitting on the back of the bike, to wade through the pain of many different scenarios that could occur and now am at a place where whatever happens I have no fear.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-11-2013 at 01:51 AM.
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  #1862  
Old 10-14-2013, 06:27 PM
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I've been having a great weekend. This morning I feel on top of the world. It's Thanks Giving weekend here and I have made lovely food, spent time with family and its a sunny bright day after a month of rain. Last night was a fun dinner at PN's mum's house and today we are taking our camper van to a nearby park we all love to eat more food and enjoy the sun.

The other night there was a dinner party put on by Brad's wife. I was surprised to be invited and had decided not to go until the last minute when Mono asked that we do. He thought we would enjoy the dinner at the very least and that I should get out and do something with people in the poly community who we have been close to for years.

The table was made up of Leo's wife (the wife of an ex of mine... a relationship that ended badly by way of a veto, as documented in this blog), my recently ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, several people I have and had varying relationships with. I was scared and not very well and it was a huge effort for me in light of my lack of energy to socialize and be around anyone let alone people I think take issue with me. I was courageous I thought.

Mono was right though, it was fine. He was pleased to be socializing and pleased to see his old friends. I was happy for him. I talked to many people that caught me up on their poly lives and they asked me about mine. I was glad I went.

Putting into words where I am at always helps me and being asked over and over again helped me solidify what my experience is right now. I walked away feeling a little uneasy that Mono secretly isn't happy with where our lives together have taken us but soon came to understand that really he just wants to stay in touch and be friends with everyone. To him that is of great importance. To me its a matter of knowing when to take my leave and taking it. I have felt its time to leave but that night I saw where I am wanted and useful even if I am taking a different path.

Everyone has relationships of different importance. Regardless of what they are called or whether or not those feelings are reciprocated of not, we all have a need to be with people. I might not have the room in my life or desire to make room in my life for more lovers but I still need people to be near me, love me and accept me for who I am. If I find that then I am truly grateful and blessed. This is my thoughts this Thanks Giving. I am blessed to be loved and accepted. I am blessed to be able to love and accept.

Afterwards we had guests over and I drove a friend home. It turned out to be a good night and although I get deeply sad sometimes I am fine.

Happy Thanks Giving fellow Canadians.
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  #1863  
Old 12-08-2013, 11:51 PM
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Hello Here's an update....

I had a birthday yesterday. It was a very special one to me. Sure, birthday's are special but when I remember where I was last year at this time I realize how far I have come and just how much happened this year.

Last year at this time I was sitting in the airport in Toronto Ontario on my way to Halifax Nova Scotia to visit Mono and his family. I had a martini and a poutine and had a glimpse of things to come as I sat there completely alone and content with my own company.

Mono had been there a week already and already we were deeply in trouble in our relationship. I remember a visit of much silence between us and a ton of culture shock for me. I remember our only connection at the time to be one of massive amounts of sex. That didn't let up all year.

My relationship with Mono has been based on sex at times before and continues to be our biggest connection. Mono is my only in this way. I have fulfilled my sexual bucket list and I settle in for now to a wonderful sex life and solid connection to this man I put my sanity on the line for. I am content with that. Others are my only in other ways and I am also content with that. Together they all add to my life and I add to theirs. Its simple, uncluttered and I am satisfied.

Previous to this visit Mono and I had been struggling and I wasn't entirely paying attention. I was more consumed with my other loves and a busy life of poly community, burlesque and work to notice. I just assumed that the day to day was enough, that somehow we were all doing fine. This proved to be disastrously not true. We were talking but it was surface level talking. It revolved around a lot of deep rooted self doubt, lack of self worth and some salt and pepperings of denial of what was really going on for us. Add a lack of honesty to ourselves and each other about our real inner feelings and then a lack of being open to go to that place of dreaded analysis about our relationship and we ended up with this past year of sorting that out. Me and many people together.

Unravelling feelings and self discovery were what this year was based on. Details about who did what and what transpired are not what is important, it's where we got and how we got there through the amount we journeyed personally and all of us together that matter. Many people, many relationships and much personal investigation.

The first step was to face that I knew nothing of what was really going on for Mono and likely no one else I was dating at the time. The realization that things were not what they seemed and that there was an illusion of everything being okay was a great shock to me. It seemed simple at the time but there was complication underneath that was not brought to the surface until one huge climax this past spring.

I have since pieced together a story of what was going on for people in my life. I have come to the conclusion that nothing is ever what it seems and that I better damn well be ready to take my leave the moment I discover that. Even if its temporary. My emotional safety is what is most important and to have that I need to be able to physically leave or ask someone to leave. Creating a situation where that is possible is difficult, but I feel a sense of safety and freedom now that I feel I have some options.

It's become important to go over my own plans often and not rely on others for anything other than rent paid, agreed upon responsibilities carried through and I don't assume there is a future with them. What once was a feeling that I am grateful to those I live with and spend time with has become more of a feeling of expecting their gratitude at what I give to them in return also. This new struck balance has opened the door to loving and giving again for me, to myself and others equally. This is what I am grateful for now. I have the knowledge of how to do that better and what the signs are when I am not.

I imagined a poly family life and worked towards that for years. My poly family was close I thought, but for me there was a leak somewhere when the day to day meant that honesty and openness to change became stifled by duty to each other. Duty to keep the status quo even if the fit wasn't good any more. I doubt I will ever attempt a poly family again as the seed of doubt has now been planted. Still, for many years I was happy in my illusion of what I had.

I remember the dream I once had when I was about to marry PN. I had a dream that I would be part of creating a large chosen family with kids and adults alike blending and supporting one another. Complete childlike trust and naively blind devotion to that dream set my course as a younger person. I have become wise and realistic. I thought I had that and did for a time but then things shifted and the plates wobbled, eventually the plates fell and it became evident that there is no bigger mess than a lot of plates falling. If I had kept my life simple with less responsibility to the relationships I had and with more attention to my own destiny on my own then I might not of lived through the life lesson I learned this year.

It was a year of managing to create a solid family environment out of a mess of many relationships and I did it for LB. I know many families that have split up because those plates fell for the members. Divorce, separation, affairs... they seem to be around me everywhere. This was no different. The difference was that I worked hard and badgered others work hard to create a result that meant we could carry on with each other even if everything had changed. I did it, we did it. The change is upon us all now and we are all better off.

How did we all manage it? Polyamory; poly made me manage it. If it weren't for the philosophies I studied, debated, created and tried out here and elsewhere in the poly community I would not be where I am today. I would be alone, tossing my child back and froth from one house to the next, disappointed, betrayed, untrusting, damaged for life possibly and feeling as if love was never going to be unattainable again because it is never real.

Poly philosophy changed my life. I will never be able to shake what I have learned and will never be monogamous in the way that the mainstream culture I live in does monogamy. I've tried it now. After 20 years of being poly and most of my adult relationship life I can honestly say that when I tried to follow other rules I simply could not. I am not monogamous.

I doubt that I ever again will let myself become involved with "lifestyle" poly as a result of my experiences again. Lifestyle poly seems to be more about transcribing mono ideals onto many relationships, not living with a poly philosophy of relationships and connections with others. Love of many. For real. Not the giddy NRE love, but lasting long term devotion to that love, offered to many but coming from the same place in my heart.

I am not willing to have other partners in the same way as most poly people do either. I find that poly people shift the monogamous rule book to suit more than one love relationship more often than not. There is really no need to define or describe what it is. Its mine and I share it with others that own and share their love also.

The term partner does not fit for me, nor does friendship, nor does any term used in monogamous or poly relationships. Each relationship comes with an agreement that is between me and that person now more that ever. I don't title it anything so that no rule can be applied to it from outside of me/us.

I write my own policies and procedures manual for my relationships and when I hand that over to another like a gift of promise of who I am, I do it with confidence and without compromise. It becomes evident quickly how connected and close I am able to come to another by this process now and that is helpful in determining whether or not I should invest for their sake and mine. To invest in a relationship with me of any kind is intense, completely honest and means pushing one another beyond what we are when we meet. Without that there is no point in carrying on after a time. I expect the same from them back again now. It generally means we will fight often, make up just as often and reach levels of connection that few do. I scare people shitless most of the time I'm sure.

I feel as if I have come full circle some how now. I'm washed clean. The world is mine again and I am in control over myself and where I am going. The words seem small in comparison to how I feel. I've said them before as a token of where I would like to be, but now I say them standing firm on my ground and rooted.

Here's to a new year in my life. May it be a time of rest and reflection... of making plans and carrying them out... of enjoying my accomplishments and creating new goals.
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Last edited by redpepper; 12-09-2013 at 12:07 AM.
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  #1864  
Old 12-09-2013, 01:16 AM
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Wonderful to hear that you're feeling so much clarity and strength.
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  #1865  
Old 12-09-2013, 07:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post


I doubt that I ever again will let myself become involved with "lifestyle" poly as a result of my experiences again. Lifestyle poly seems to be more about transcribing mono ideals onto many relationships, not living with a poly philosophy of relationships and connections with others. Love of many. For real. Not the giddy NRE love, but lasting long term devotion to that love, offered to many but coming from the same place in my heart.

I am not willing to have other partners in the same way as most poly people do either. I find that poly people shift the monogamous rule book to suit more than one love relationship more often than not. There is really no need to define or describe what it is. Its mine and I share it with others that own and share their love also.
Thank you for sharing this.. It's something I've been thinking about SO much lately. Since I became more involved in the poly community in my country it is exactly that what I've been experiencing, and it feels so stifling and limiting. But I also understand that it makes people feel safe like monogamy makes people feel safe.
I've followed your journey as chronicled here, and think it's beautiful the way you are describing coming to full circle. Thank you.
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  #1866  
Old 12-22-2013, 10:19 PM
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I just dropped Mono off at his favourite place to drink a coffee before going to the companion job he has with a woman of 95. I'm freaking out a little. I'm not sure why as things have settled between us and for the most part I have stopped looking for signs of deceit. I went into the grocery store next to the shop and when I came out I could see him through the window on his phone. I know he needed to call about a computer job he is doing tomorrow, I know he has friends and a private life but that still very sore place inside me split open again.

I'm tired. Tired off that wound. The scar thickens each time it breaks open without my wanting to.

I don't have anywhere else to put this feeling but here so please bear with me. Most of the time I'm happy.

Sorting through what to do in our house is hard. PN wants out, I can feel it. I know it but he stays for our boy. We all do. It's not horrible... just feels trapping. He and I fight for space and autonomy and we give it where we can but my stuff is split in two parts of the house. Dressing in his room before going to work is akward, privacy in the bathroom is an issue, food is slowly being split up as he moves to different choices from me. I sense his loneliness sometimes and at other times he's happy when he comes home and I don't know why. We chat and have fun and spend time together but there is a marked change.

The other night he and LB got into an accident and I felt different about it where he was concerned. I love him very much but while I was desperate to hold my child afterwards I was content to just hear PN was okay.

His effort to know about me and my life has kept us apart. He doesn't fill the best friend roll any more. There is a lack of caring that used to be there between us. I'm wondering what happens next. For now I have agreed to make another step and move my clothes from his room into an armoire in the hall. Great, I get to dress in our diningroom. I recent that he gets the big master bedroom and I get a tiny room in the basement suite with Mono. Mono and I share it now. The bed anyway.

I have no moments of certainty. Perhaps it's the end of my naivity forever? Maybe doubt is a better answer as a way to live. I wonder sometimes if I will ever trust entirely again. I used to open my heart fully and let people dive in. I realized just now as I drove Monos truck to a parking lot on the other side of the city that I don't do that any more. I let them stick to my heart and can shluff them off when I find a reason. Am I damaged? Am I going to always be like this? Is that healthy?

When I imagine what an open heart would look like it reminds me of my art school days when I painted paintings of hearts with wings open and exposed arms out at the sides shining off the canvases. Now the paintings would be of a balloon like solid muscle protected by a thick skin layer. On top of it layers of other people close to me. It feels right and safe but it's such a huge change I feel toppley and like my head spins.

Just one solid relationship that I love and trust. Still my goal. I will be content with that. If that is just me so be it but I oh so don't want to end up only trusting myself.

Meanwhile I have new friends. Some soild old ones that I will never part with on my heart and many new plans for myself and my future. I invite Mono to join me and he is on board. We sat yesterday at the spot by the ocean we spent many tearful fearful moments and I said to him I thought we were passed our troubles and that I felt a clean slate was before us. Nothing left undone. All troubles sorted through. He said he had been there for monthes. I told him I still need to catch up.

Happy Solstice. I'm so glad the year is over.
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  #1867  
Old 12-26-2013, 06:57 AM
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Good to hear from you Red, even if there are some uncertainties present right now. Hoping for the best for you and yours. (Hi Mono! *waves*)
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  #1868  
Old 01-10-2014, 04:35 AM
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Hi to Arrowbound. Thanks for writing.

I'm struggling with the true fact that I love people. For some reason I feel really guilty about it. Shame for having strong emotional attachments. I love my Mono and together we have been really happy. Our lives have settled mostly and our family continues to be strong and together. Yet.... I cannot deny my love for those close to me. How do I feel this and figure out how to keep a structure that respects boundaries and is acceptable displays of affection and love? I so suck at this. I decided to not bother and show my love for others whenever it comes up. To me it doesn't mean I am swaying from the course I am determined and happy to follow but I get worried and scared others think I am too much in their face with my emotions and displays of affection. That it means more some how and that they are saying, "see. You can't do it. You need to have another partner." It makes me feel guilty and confused. I can rationalize it easily and chalk it up to just being myself but I am uncertain of whether I am okay or not.... I don't know if that makes any sense.
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  #1869  
Old 01-10-2014, 07:44 PM
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Better today. Love is love and I over think things. I will continue to be loving and express love when it come up and let it go. I can only be me.
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  #1870  
Old 01-11-2014, 12:34 AM
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So glad I read both posts today!
I was thinking "OH HONEY! Don't over think it! It's ok to love many people and to show affection without it meaning you want to be sexually involved or dating them!"
But then-you wrote it all yourself.
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