stuck in the end of a V type poly relationship
hello everyone, thanks for reading and i hope that i can get some advice on my particular situation. i really admire this forum and i've appreciated reading and learning from everyone and your experiences thus far.
here's the outline of my situation:
me, female, 2 months into a V type relationship with B, female, and her long term currently distant male primary partner T.
B and T began dating 2.5 years ago in a mono capacity, i have been a friend of both of them for most of this time, and have enjoyed my friendship with both of them, though i have always been closer with B and have known T mostly through his relationship with B. from what i understand, they discussed open relationships and decided it was worth looking at, months before B and I admitted to liking each other. T went on exchange to europe for university this year. this was about a month before B told me her feelings. we liked each other before T left, and I don't consider it a coincidence that we became romantically engaged because T left. okay so, B asked explicitly if it would be okay with T if she told me that she liked me, he said yes, and then established communication with T if she started seeing me. T gave the go ahead, and the rest of the conversations were private and between them so i don't know T's specific wording, but i was assured many times that this was something that they would be looking at and discussing and communicating about.
about a week ago, T told B that he had started seeing someone else without the same honest communication that B expected and had given him with me, this was a breach of trust for B and was seen as cheating and both parties agreed, though T's reasoning was along the lines of "well you did the same thing!" and because of this prompt and because of other issues with their relationship, they broke up. these are issues that have nothing to do with my explicit role in this relationship.
since then I have been trying to be very supportive of B. the time that we've spent together since the break up has been a lot of her talking about T: her anger, her sadness and getting things off her chest, crying, and compulsively checking her e-mail for signs of T's coming and going. this has not been easy for me to navigate because I understand, and I want to support her in her time of need. I want to enjoy my time with her and also give her space so that she may deal appropriately. i think i have done a good job at this. but she also asks for my advice, asking me things such as: did T ever love me at all? how could he do this to me? T is an idiot, etc, etc. and i don't know where my boundaries should be set on hearing this and maintaining dialogue. i admit to overstepping my own comfort in telling her that I agree with her decision, but I also understand that I am not a neutral party and its not my place to comment on T, or his behaviour. i've also had to hear a lot of things that have hurt me like "i thought that T was my soulmate" and "we had so many plans together for the future" and I know that this is her time, but I cannot help but feel very hurt that she talks about T with such fervor and without fully understanding that she is talking to her partner about this. since I am her partner too, it is a hard place for me to be in, as her partner and as someone who has their own individual relationship with her, apart from T.
today, T e-mailed her while i was over, and it brought them back to square one, offsetting any progress and plans that B and I made together for the day. they are both very confused about what this means, and I understand that they need to talk, but it sounded like a hard conversation to have, and I felt very stuck. she asked for some space, but for me not to leave, and so I didn't, and i spent the day hearing more and more about their relationship. I became upset and quite exhausted, and she asked what was up, and I told her that it really hurt me sometimes to hear about it all, and that I wanted to support her, but hearing her complain and wrestle with his intentions both currently and in the past was bothering me. I asked if she wanted me to leave, and she said no.
later on, I left, with our last conversation about how she can't handle conflict between both T and me, but I reminded her that I never meant to pressure her and make her feel like she couldn't talk about this very big thing in her life right now, and that I knew resolving break ups can't be done in a week. and that I wanted to be patient and work through this, but it still seems that my relationship with B seems to be up in the air. she feels guilty, but says that her hands are tied and that this is all she can think about. i understand, but i also feel very sad. both because i want to support her, and i empathize with her, but also because I feel really hurt and fear for our relationship's future. she was not in any place to talk about our relationship at length right now, but she said that we would in the new year.
phewf, what a mouthful, sorry to make you read it all. here are a few questions that i have:
- is there any problem with my communication here that you can see? am i wrong to feel a little hurt by her discussing at length her other relationship? am i being a good partner by trying to not ignore the way i feel, and trying to discuss this with B?
- B's leaving to go home for christmas break tomorrow morning and will be back in a week, i am going to try my best to give her space to come to her own conclusions, but i am still panicked. ordinarily, i know that this is still a new relationship, and that it has its kinks to work out, but she's also been my friend for a long time, and i have established a great deal of care and admiration for this woman. i truly enjoy being with her, and would like to continue to do so, but i also am completely ready to accept the decision that she cannot do so at this time. do you think that there is anything that i can do? that i can say to her? or does this seem to be out of my hands, and ball is in her court?
- are there any resources or experiences that you can share about the loss of your partner's primary partner? or about V type relationships in general? and how to be supportive of your partner's decisions.
- any advice at all for how to continue on?
THANK YOU SO MUCH, and I will be available to answer any questions you have. or if there's anything else you want to know.
|break-ups, breaking up, loss of primary partner, metamours, poly, queer., v type relationship, vee|