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  #21  
Old 12-13-2013, 07:01 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Hello

I wish people would comment more!

Sometimes, I think I'm too contrary or too different. Maybe in my writing I come off as too forceful. If I had to name myself, I might call myself a mother, a wife ,but more of a best friend of a wife, an activist, a person with a disability who does not want to NOT be disabled, a person who loves her body and experience, but a person who has developed a harsh, judgmental attitude by dealing with daily prejudice, a person who wants to overcome that judgement and aversion through compassion and meditation, a Buddhist, someone who has been involved in gay male culture from the outside (as a woman) for 3 years, someone who always stops along the street and asks people if they need help, someone who is compassionate to all the neighbors needs and problems, but someone who is forceful on the internet and world at large, someone who feels she need to be forceful or she will be left behind, ridiculed and rolled over. Someone who fell in love with a cheating man and although long sense not sexual, thinks every day how to, if to, relate to this person. Someone who loves transgender people, writes and reads all day, has too many animals, is sexually neurotic.

I finally spoke yesterday with my mother about my sexuality. I told her I'm aroused all the time. She said, she "went through that in her 40's" She says it wears off. She said, if I jUST learnt to have an orgasm, it's going to be awhile. She says it has nothing to do with having a partner. More and more, I want to think less about love which has just become confusing for me.

I love one who I don't talk to, I love another whom I'm married to, but not aroused by. Then, I will call "those on the internet." Last week, I talked to three guys - two said "yr not for me" after the picture. They didn't know I'm disabled, so that wash;'t it. Who knows? I think guys still want women with long hair and nails? The other guy, can't remember. I talk to V on a daily basis, but he is married (mono) and I refuse to meet him. Just got a new one, but he's really into submission/dom and I'm not/ The primary thing I find lacking is consistency and connection. I "should:" go on Cupid, but I'm just not ready... I had some bad experiences there. Maybe I need a break from men all together.
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  #22  
Old 12-13-2013, 08:34 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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The blog section is supposed to be more comment free. It's a place to write without necessarily worrying about the audience. I usually have no problems with people commenting on my blog - if I don't want feedback I say so on a particular post.

But I've been enjoying your blog greatly. I'm glad you are doing it.
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  #23  
Old 12-18-2013, 07:17 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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I noticed your wish that people would comment more and didn't want to ignore it. I have been enjoying your blog. It is interesting and challenging to read the blog of somebody who's world view is so different to my own.

I very much hope that you keep it going.
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  #24  
Old 12-22-2013, 02:12 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Nutty week: emotional and physical exhaustion

This has been the most intense Christmas week ever. And it's not done.

My in-laws came into town. They have a lot of money, so we get treated to nice restaurants, but they can be exhausting for me emotionally. In fact, I've had endless emotional challenges this week, The reason they are challenging is because they act incredibly restrained and they highly expect everyone else to act restrained. This is difficult for me, and difficult for my son.

My husband finally came out to them and said that we have an open marriage. They had met his girlfriend last year for dinner (not knowing she was his GF). His mother, who is very French (in her mind) said that she kind of knew. His father did not react at all. We had dinner last night and I was so nervous. I was having an anxiety attack and could barely breathe. I was so afraid they were going to reject me/ reject us. They did not.

I had been annoyed at GF the day before. She has (what I view) a very akward way of relating to people. She bought us tickets for an experimental theatre piece. It was supposed to be a surprise, but she just texted husband the evening before and said, meet me at the theatre. I felt my boundaries had been crossed because I didn't have any warning - or asking if I was available- I didn't really have a babysitter. I just felt like free person asks not free person to do something the last minute. I wrestled for hours with whether I should go. I also, by this time, was having a pretty serious cold and this mysterious itching which covers the entire top of my body. Ultimately, I decided to go. I was kind of proud of myself for just sucking it up and going,

At the thing, I ran into one of my wild gay friends. We were waiting and screwing around when I ran into this other poet who always acts very snotty. She asked how I was and it came out (from me) that I had been fucjing this guy she knew. It is the time of releasing secrets. It is the time of letting go.

Meanwhile, last week, I spoke to my married friend. My sort-of ex, the one I am having such a hard time getting over. He was kind of cold to me. Or maybe it just felt that way. At this point, I am doing all the reaching out. He responds hesitantly. I compulsively tell myself the story of what is happening. I think well, he's met someone else to tell his problems to - or he's hesitant because I've pushed him away so many times. But, the story doesn't help. I erased every email he ever sent. I erased all his contact info. It is incredibly painful, but I need a clean break.

I feel to a certain degree that I am utterly falling apart. Many friendships died or slowed down considerably in the past year. I have four (or more) intense friendships that have ended or changed. One of these people I have been friends with for 30 years. The others 20 years, 12 years, 15 years. Two of these people cut me off. One of them, I know why. The other I do not. The other two have not ended. I am just backing away. What is happening is that I am going through menopause. I am having to shed relationships that do not help me anymore. What have these relationships been? Well, much like with my parents: people who are borderline abusive. They are narcissists who only have their own concerns in mind. They aren't able to take the step beyond their needs to see other's needs as well _ I include my married friend in this. I, myself, am a little self-obesesed - who isn't but I think I would hard to see the desires of others.

Meanwhile, there are the boys from CL - who are these guys? Well, there is one I won't meet because he's married. Of course, he's the most dependable and consistent. I was talking to this stranger (John) in a joking manner back and forth. But then he got kind of mad because I didn't give him, my phone number. The disability thing is weird. I know I'm not dealing with it in the right way. I know that when I tell guys they will be babies and disappear, so I'm almost using it to MAKE them disappear when they are annoying me. This isn;t right. I should just say, you know, you are being weird. To make them disappear with the declamation feeds into the system that they have a reason to disappear, that there is something wrong with my disability - and there is not. It is organic and I am sexy and beautiful. I think I am not quite moving from the place that I am a sexy worthwhile person and these guys are lucky to talk to me. Not in a snobby way - but what I mean in ANYONE is lucky to talk to ANYONE else who is smart and loving and generally a good person.

My question: how to relate to boys from a platform of strength - as I sit in bed full of hives, nursing a cold that only means my emotions are at work through the body.
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  #25  
Old 12-22-2013, 07:09 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
My question: how to relate to boys from a platform of strength .
This is an interesting question. I'd guess that for me, relating to people from a position of strength is about being authentic and clear about who I am.

The things about me that are likely to be challenging to some people are:
  • I won't get married. I have no interest in being anybody's wife.
  • I don't want to have children of my own or help a partner to raise children or hang about with a partner's children.
  • I'm a bit overweight.
  • I have strong views about the need for a lack of hierarchy in my personal and professional relationships. This includes my relationships with my dogs.

These are the things that I would disclose up front very early on in relationships. If I was writing a profile for an on-line dating site, those points would be on it. As well as all the fabulous things about me.

For me, that's a position of strength. I'm happy for the people who would have problems with those things not to be in touch with me. I'm not about to compromise on any of them and I don't want to waste time developing a personal relationship with somebody who might want to get married and have kids one day. Or who might nag me about my eating habits. Or who might try to develop the role of pack leader over my dog, C.

I know that these things make me unattractive to lots of people. That's fine. I can deal with that. That's my position of strength. I don't need everybody to want to be close to me.

I hope that you feel better soon. Sounds like you've had a stressful time and I think illness so often goes along with that. Hopefully some rest and relaxation will sort you out and you'll bounce back soon.

IP
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  #26  
Old 12-28-2013, 09:24 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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IP,

Thank you for your post. I learned a lot from it.

It is nearly the new year and I am trying to make resolutions. I have some friendships that aren't functioning well for me and haven' t been for a long time. Because of my fear of loss, I have been hesitant to speak up in these relationships. One is with my ex-meth addict friend. Well, finally, I wrote letters to these two people. I tried to be kind and generous and not lash out in anger. One replied angrily. We have some emails going back and forth. The other did not reply.

I am not used to having a happy, functioning life. I am not writing this for pity, just making an observation. My parents where neglectful at best, and abandoners at their worst. This coupled with growing up in society which does it's best to convince everyone that disabled people are worthless, made me a really adversive personality. My resolutions:

1. Drink less. 2. more books, less internet, 3. take my meds every day 4. yoga and meditation. 5. practice compassion 6. Get rid of friendships with people who I relate to like I relate to my family. These are historical, It is time to stoop caring what people think of me. It is time to let people in my life who are good to me.

I am trying to figure out the function of "dating" in my life. I'm poly. It's a little, for me, like being single. I have a family to come home to and security. On my dates, there is a lot of pressure off because I won't marry someone else and I don't care how much money a guy makes (something I here is common in dating). I am looking for someone to explore my sexuality with. Not just once. And not through the internet,. Someone I feel safe with, but passionate about. For me, this is like finding a needle in a hay stack! I have been on so many dates and nothing comes of it. But perhaps there IS a function of dating in my larger life- to learn how to be secure in my body, to be sexy, to learn how to date.
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  #27  
Old 12-29-2013, 03:14 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default I hate Leonardo D'Caprio

I have had a weird couple of days. I have been 'cycling". I had a bit of anxiety because the in-laws were here. then, I got manic. I met someone who I'm very very interested in and vice versa. That set off all those nutty chemicals in my brain. Whenever all these emotions happen, the next, commonly, is depression and then, yes! normalcy. But here it it the despression.

Last night I had a TERRIBLE experience. I went to see Wolf of Wall Street with my husband. I loved the movies "Blow" and "Wall Street" so I thought this would be in the same genre. Far from it. But the terrible event was after D'Caperio took a bunch of luDes, he said "I had never had this phase before" (phase of getting high). He called it the "cerebral palsy" phase and lay on the floor acting like he had CP. The audience (a full house) completely burst into laughter. I was confused. I asked my husband "Is this funny?" He said "No" and insisted we leave. On the way home, I became dependent and had sucidal thoughts. I was thinking that I was ugly. I was very aware of my movements (which are pretty subtle for cP). I imagined everyone looking at my body and thinking it was gross and a joke, I had been told by a friend recently that I was too forceful and neurotic about disability and looking for prejudice, but this felt horrible. I began saying stupid things like "Is that why my ex doesn't love me?" Because his wife is beautiful and moves correctly? My husband reminded me, "No your ex does probably love you but he's married, a cheater, a compulsive lier and ...need I say more.

People hide people with disabilities. For years we were even put in institutions. But I am OUT THERE. I date, I go to movies, I ride the subway. I actually gave up looking for jobs (after teaching for 10 years) so I don't have to deal with employment prejudice, but I am pretty out in the world. I am questioning that. I have a loving husband, kid, friends, a neighborhood and a ton of work and books, so maybe I need to hide more in order to protect myself.

I feel very shitty.
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  #28  
Old 12-29-2013, 03:42 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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I mean the film had other offensive stuff too. It was terrible to women, totally ableist...it was just gross. But this one scene was horrifying to me. Perhaps part of the issue is that I live in New York so I (my disability, my body) am exposed to a million people every time I leave the house. A entire new slew of onlookers.
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  #29  
Old 12-29-2013, 04:04 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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I want you to know that I read your blog too.
I often work with people with disabilities, including CP. I can get a little of where you are coming from, as I hear it from others too.
Keep blogging, I would like to see you add it to another public blog site, so it can reach a wider audience. You write beautifully, with passion and from the heart.
A
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  #30  
Old 12-29-2013, 04:21 PM
london london is offline
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It took a while for my mum to warm to The Big Bang Theory because she felt the show was focused around mocking an autistic guy. I've never felt like that though.
I watched this film about Temple Grandin yesterday, I found the parts when she was treated badly because of her autism rough to watch.
What I find most annoying is when people make jokes based on incorrect knowledge. I'm the first to laugh at something genuinely witty based on factual knowledge, regardless of however controversial or sensitive the topic is

Stupid shit based on ignorance is just offensive
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