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  #51  
Old 12-21-2013, 02:09 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Who says a mono/poly relationship can't go somewhere?

Mine keeps going deeper and deeper.

I share a home with Murf. Am I there 24/7? No but in reality it is no worse than being married to someone who travels. If Murf needs me I am there in a heartbeat.

Can we be legally married unfortunately no. Then again I do not gage the validity of a relationship on a piece of paper. We will have a commitment ceremony in the fall. My commitment to Murf its just as great as my commitment to Butch.

As for children if this was a decade ago. I would have easily given Murf kids of his own. Actually I almost did. Last fall had a tubal pregnancy despite having a tubal ligation with my youngest. It was Murf's baby.
The pregnancy with my youngest son almost killed me and him. (he is my 50k kid) Murf would rather have me than a baby and loves my sons as his own. We are both 40 our baby time is over. If life was a bit different I would have given him children of his own.

Financial... Murf and I mingle our finances. I buy the food for that house pitch in for other bills. I have a huge say on big purchases.

I asked Murf if he felt like he is being cheated or our relationship has an end date. He says he loves our relationship and wouldn't change a thing. He likes his solo time. Plus with his work schedule he would feel guilty me being home alone every night. He sleeps all day and only is up an hour before he heads into work.

We are together when he is off work.. That is all he wants. I am perfect for him in every other way. This is the best relationship he ever has had. I am his forever.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #52  
Old 12-21-2013, 10:58 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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The concept of a relationship "going somewhere" as if it had a specific destination amused me, given my own recent circumstances. It has become abundantly clear that holding an expectation that a relationship will go somewhere, often defined by some societal norm, is a path to disappointment. And yet, even knowing that, we can be emotionally programmed to feel it necessary that a relationship follow a recognizable path to a goal.

In my own situation, I was part of a polyfi triad that crashed and burned in slow motion. I left a year before my couple separated and filed for divorce. The divorce is still pending after 8 months.

After reconnecting with E, he and I found things totally different. We were both traumatized by the loss, we didn't feel the same toward one another as we had when we were three but we both had expectations that we should feel the same about each other. We knew given the twists and turns our realtionship had endured any expectation was illogical. Yet we both found it very difficult to shed ourselves of them. For me, it felt like giving up the expectations prompted another grieving process - an acknowledgement that we had lost everything. That said, using logic, we kept trying to digging our emotional selves out of the expectation rubble, and eventually succeeded.

We don't know exactly what the future holds for us - except that we will always be a part of one another's lives - but FINALLY letting go of those hopes has allowed us to be present in the moment we are together, to enjoy and appreciate one another without the feeling that whatever our relationship is has to fit a definition and / or play out a certain way.

Now to those who feel their relationships are going nowhere, it may very well be that your relationship is not fulfilling your needs. And that is something that is a valid consideration. It sounds as if you both would prefer to have a live-in partner or at least someone whose time was more readily available to you. Nothing wrong with that. I hope to have that myself at some point. I get the feeling that you feel that your current relationships not only do not provide that to you, but impede you from finding one that will. Something to consider?
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  #53  
Old 12-22-2013, 10:51 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I used to feel this about my relationship with my bf C, that it 'wasn't going anywhere'. In retrospect, I think what I felt was that we were not on the same page even though we kept telling each other, that we were.

Despite his frequent assertions that he was definitely poly, I think I always felt that he wasn't. He wanted to be, but when he got another gf besides me, it became clear pretty quickly, that he could not be in 2 intimate relationships at the same time. She was single, and mono, and lived near him. I was married, with other partners, lived 2 hours away. No wonder he drifted away.. he is now monogamous with her.

When I started dating again I was very cautious. At first I thought I should only date men who really identify as poly.Then I thought but that's what C did, and look what happened! No guarantees, ever.

So now I'm dating a guy who has zero experience with poly, and he's open to it, and we'll see where that goes.
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the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #54  
Old 12-23-2013, 01:38 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
. . . I don't think many mono partners would be cool with their partner and you still having a close relationship, especially because you'd still be poly and they'd be worried about their partner reverting to that relationship model and you, the person that offers it.

There's an expectation for people in relationships to have a certain distance with others just so everyone understands their relationship is platonic. Lots of people, even poly people, see no point of keeping up regular contact with an ex. Basically, mono normative culture wouldn't understand the friendship between ex partners who used to be in a poly relationship but now one has gone mono but still wants to be a close friend of their still poly ex. That takes a certain degree of out of the box thinking that I don't believe the average mono person has. Everyone is going to be telling newly mono person that they have to cut ties.
I disagree. Most of the people I know are monogamous and many of them have remained friends with exes, and whether the exes are single, partnered, mono, or poly really has no bearing on the maintaining of a friendship. All mono people are not automatically narrow-minded, insecure, or less evolved than polyfolk just because they choose to have only one partner at a time.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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  #55  
Old 12-24-2013, 03:56 AM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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My ex-MIL remained not only friendly with, but remained business partners with, her ex-husband for YEARS. She and her BF of over 20 years go to events hosted by her ex's family, and her ex's family is welcome at her events as well.

It's not unheard of among mono folks.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops: My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
My slightly more polished blog (external): From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #56  
Old 12-24-2013, 08:40 AM
london london is offline
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My mum has a good relationship with both my sister's dad who she has been split from for 30 years and my dad who she split from 27 years ago. People always find that strange. People find it strange that I'm cool with my son's dad. That's why I think it's not usually mono behaviour.
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