Chasing - revisited
A couple weeks ago I blogged about not understanding chasing relationships (as poly or as mono)
In another venue today I read where another mono in poly was commenting how her man has no desire for guy friendships - only with girls. and how he always wants friendships only with women he finds sexually attractive, and that she doesn't think he's capable of a truly platonic friendship with a female - he will always want to take things further.
One of the reasons I disabled my OKC and asked P to block for only member to see his profile.. he was telling me he was only seeking platonic with these other women. Was hard /is hard for me to fully believe when other than where he had listed in Looking for "new friends" he was not transparent in any way I could see that it was seeking platonic only.. he described the type of women he found enticing, kept all the questions about sex, kept the q's that said he was always interested in seeking new relationships and that he did "open relationships only." With all that out there, how could I listen to just the words he was telling me about not seeking others as absolute truth when what he put out publicly screamed to me that he was at least in theory open to more? I'm not saying he was lying to me, but actions and my perceptions and my interpretations made it soooo FREAKING hard to fully believe.
And when he couldn't show me tangibly that he was clear. OK - message a poly gal who lists mew friends alongside dating, and get so far in messaging and calls and texts that she wants to come visit, and he hasn't told her clearly?!? WTF!
Honest with me? Honest with her? But most importantly, is he truly honest with himself?
A cousin of mine with a history of life-threatening pregnancy & special needs baby got pregnant. Her mom asked the other daughter - was she trying to get pregnant? & the reply was - If she wasn't using birth control, she wasn't trying not to.
So if he was not transparent & blatantly clear with women who were also seeking relationships beyond platonic, how could they know what his intentions were either? Hedging bets? I don't freaking know. And it KILLS me.
If he doesn't tell them, is he wanting them to want him, or to be hopeful that it may go in that direction? Is he afraid they won't invest the energy into messaging & getting close if they believe it won't go further?
If his intention is clear to him, why isn't it easy for him to be clear to others, and to be open to me that he is?
If I tell the truth I have nothing to hide. If I try to hide stuff, it doesn't necessarily mean that I have lied... but it does plant huge seeds of doubt.
And these seeds of doubt that are sown in my head makes it that much harder for me to get over the whole mess. I want to trust him. I want to believe every word he tells me. Yet at same time, gimme proof that he can do it (at least until that trust is built back up.) I do believe, but niggling seeds of doubt - is that being realistic or over the top insecure?
P wants me to pledge my undying 100% belief in him. I want to.
No he didn't cheat on me physically as far as it got, so does that mean there was no real betrayal?
Trust is built and earned after it has been damaged. I gave it freely and it was crushed. Not just here, but seeds from when a former friend tried to trap him. Just be transparent. You never have to remember who you told what & no chance of getting trapped in anything except honesty & truth - which yes - those can hurt & kill a relationship too.
Grrr - why can't i just let this go?
Beats head against wall
|mono, monogamish, poly to mono|