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  #131  
Old 12-20-2013, 02:31 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I am sorry you are hurting...

From what you have said to me M is showing you exactly where you stand with him. Actions speak louder than words. He tells you what you want to hear to keep you. But he doesn't see or cannot make you a primary along side his wife. Stop making some one a priority who makes you an option.

I am not saying dump him. Just put M on the back burner But why not focus on A more who seems very much able to meet your communication and the need to see each someone more often. Or find someone else who fits your needs.

If you can not do that then you are going to have to realize that if you want M this is the way it is going to be. I have seen no progress to meeting your needs what so ever on his part.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
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  #132  
Old 12-20-2013, 02:43 PM
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You are right, but I keep hoping otherwise. I love this guy SO FUCKING MUCH.
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  #133  
Old 12-20-2013, 02:56 PM
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I know my heart breaks for you.

Love shouldn't cause you anxiety, pain, or etc. But hun everything he is showing you is screaming I like you but not enough to fight for you.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #134  
Old 12-20-2013, 03:31 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluebird View Post
You are right, but I keep hoping otherwise. I love this guy SO FUCKING MUCH.
I'm right there with you. I'm caught in between myself. My brain says I should back off of Susan. I love her. I love my time around her, but she rarely will commit to anything or make me a priority unless I say I'm feeling neglected.

My heart is just the opposite. She loves my adoration and attention and if I were to slow that down, I risk losing her and neither of us wants that.

There's a balance in there somewhere, but damned if I know where it is.

Good luck, and if you figure it out, please let me know
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  #135  
Old 12-20-2013, 09:22 PM
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That is what is killing me emotionally. I have been extremely clear and up front about the fact that I am feeling neglected. One night a week is ok, but I need more than that to sustain a relationship. And to feel kicked to the back burner during the holidays - it doesn't feel good. This is, of course, my first foray into poly, but from what everything I've read, it shouldn't be that I become the least important during holidays. That's a hallmark of unequal, bad poly. I am not looking to take over his family time - I have my own family's needs to consider - but I shouldn't feel marginalized and awful for wanting consideration and time together, right? I do take ownership of a lot of that - he doesn't say anything in anger or rudeness to make me feel less, it is more along the lines of I think he could be more reassuring and proactive on figuring the schedule out so I am not sitting around worried that he isn't going to be able to see me.

He is actually working things out today - or at least it sounds like it. He is going to go to lunch with me Monday (maybe) and then do an overnight either Friday or Saturday next week after Christmas. This will definitely make me feel much better.
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  #136  
Old 12-20-2013, 09:32 PM
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Does he have family coming over the holiday?

If he does and is in the closet with family that may be why his time is limited.

I am personally trying to figure out how to either clone myself our time travel so I can be everywhere I need to be for Christmas. Christmas eve we (me, Butch, Murf and the kids) are here together. Then Christmas day we will watch the kids open gifts. Then Murf the kids and I are going to his family.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #137  
Old 12-20-2013, 09:36 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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That is definitely a different story. You absolutely shouldn't be made to feel marginalized.

Once you're feeling neglected and there is consistently no action (words are just words), it's time to start letting go, in my opinion. It doesn't make it any easier, though.
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Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #138  
Old 12-20-2013, 09:38 PM
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No, no family coming from out of town that I know of.
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  #139  
Old 12-20-2013, 09:39 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Honestly I think he cannot give you the time you require either due to his home situation or other circumstances.

Either you are going to have to accept things as they are, move on, or spend you time apart stressed and upset.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #140  
Old 12-20-2013, 10:04 PM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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Quote:
Either you are going to have to accept things as they are, move on, or spend you time apart stressed and upset.
Yep. Right now I am choosing stressed and upset. :/ I am aware of how shitty I am over this. That's why I dump a lot of my emotions here, so I can continue on most of my days with it dragging me down. Writing it helps me bring things into focus, and figure out how to cope.

The fact that I am a horny person doesn't help. I haven't had any penetrative sex for a couple weeks now and it is making me even more needy than normal. So take all my ramblings at arm's length. They are colored by sexual frustration as well as anxiety and stress because of the holidays. The NRE is still going strong for me towards M, as well.

The one good thing that has come out of all this stress and scheduling drama is that I have discovered that as much as I didn't want to date anyone else but M, I have had positive experiences with other guys. I haven't felt like being with them has made me feel any less for my husband, or for M. I guess I knew that would be the case, since it was with my husband, when I started dating M. But still, it was nice to see that I still have NRE for M. Just thinking about him gets me all squishy in places. That's why the anxiety over seeing him is that much more amplified. It makes me bonkers, a bit. I recognize it, I claim it.
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