SouthernGal, well, maybe the snow would be a reason for me to come visit YOU. The blog thread is a good way of getting out the thoughts and emotions while they're somewhat formed, but not formed enough to actually talk about with P and/or M1 yet. I've made THAT mistake before, and if I'm talking while still working through all the emotions, everyone's fix-it nature tends to glom onto and try to fix the wrong things. Lesson learned - I get my ducks in a row first, then talk... THEN screw it all up anyway.
Monogamish1 (I'd abbreviate your name as M1, but then it'd get ALL confusing!), thanks - I hear you on the support. It's good to have the blog thread here, since I feel that some of my issues to work through are more "mono" than what I want out on the relationships and discussion threads. Also, they tend to get worked out faster than I'd get replies, so there'd be a lot of, "Thanks, folks, but we got it," type of responses.
I'm in the same boat with trying to undo training from years of marriage. I still balk at actually calling my ex abusive, but the marriage, after time, was pretty manipulative and emotionally difficult. Between that, trying to figure out what I need out of all this (and the ups and downs over the couple of years in my relationship with P doing that), and the logistical nightmare of scheduling around three people, four kids, and various events (I know why LR has a family model - OMFG, this is hard without it!), it's a hell of an adventure. But the journey with P is a good one, so I grab my blank road map and keep going.
As for the Partner thing, well... it snowed again on Tuesday. At least it was fluffier this time. P was here, and we shoveled, walked in the snow down to the corner store, waved at the plow guy (and he plowed out the end of our driveway - sweet!), and it was just plain old NICE to have him there to help (and fun to do it together). We began having the difficult conversation - I wished he'd been here on Sunday, during that storm. He wanted to be here too. I'd told him that I'd been chewing on that a couple days, that it's tough to think of him as my partner, yet inaccessible when I want to lean on him (or do anything with him) on the days he's with M1.
He said he understood in a way - that his ex-wife used to depend on him to do all the shoveling, taking care of the horses, etc., while she stayed in bed or ate devil dogs or whatever. That he felt he should be able to depend on her, but couldn't. He didn't have a fix for me, but said he understood the emotions, and we hugged, and I cried (and felt kind of weird about him comparing himself to his ex-wife), and we went back inside and watched Doctor Who and smoked some hookah while I processed it all.
I fired off an email two days ago, after getting my thoughts in order - no expectations, no need to DO anything, just to get my thoughts out. It was a bit more ordered than my previous post here. I know I don't want to rethink our relationship yet - I have work to do in defining what it is that being/having a partner means to me, but I owned up to that, owned up to the fact that my expectations/wants don't always mesh with what is reality, and that when he's not here for me in some way (phone call, able to help), it's tough to reconcile his being my "partner" with him choosing to not be here.
I also owned up to the resentment toward M1 when this happens. Basically, she's the embodiment of why he's not here, and she makes a real easy scapegoat, emotionally. I know it's not fair, but that's where the emotions go first, and then I have to process it all and put them where they belong.
I don't like admitting that to P, since he gets protective of us, and I don't want to invoke that protective response toward her and against me.
However, we've been through enough of these discussions & moments that he understood. The emotions are what they are, and he thought that the "what does partner mean to me" discussion would be a good one. No fighting, no accusations, no thinking I'm a raging bitch for feeling the way I do. It was a good emotional dump, and now we work on finding a way to better get through it the next time it happens.
Onward and upward. Today is my Xmas shopping day. I have the kids with me tomorrow through Christmas morning, so this is my last opportunity to shop for them without them being around. Nothing like waiting 'til the last minute.
If I don't post for a few days, have a wonderful holiday season. We'll be celebrating Yule, Christmas, and the New Year (taking the kids to our annual NYE hockey game with indoor fireworks ) - I hope you all have great times with your loved ones (and that you get to relax and enjoy it)!
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 14; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).
Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
|divorce, family, metamour, mono/poiy, vee|