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  #11  
Old 04-04-2010, 03:14 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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I agree with most of what's been written...I also was more insecure in the past, with a poor self-image.

It's quite hard to change a deeply-held self image, and my subconscious resists that change a lot. For me, that's where "backsliding" comes from: my subconscious whispers, "...but remember, really you are not a lovable, sexually desirable man...really you're not...you're just fooling yourself when you believe she likes and wants you..."

But yeah, over time I have mostly defeated that nasty little goblin. (I wish I knew how he got started, but that's a job for psychotherapy.) There were a few things I had to tell myself to do:

1. Interact with other people in ways that affirm your self-worth. Don't be competitive and try to one-up people to bolster your ego; instead, ask them about themselves, draw them out, be a good friend and a considerate listener. When I do that I get welcoming smiles, warmth, and body-language that tells my emotional self that I'm a good guy despite whatever the goblin whispers.

2. Take care of yourself. You're worth enough to get some exercise and relaxation, to dress in clothes that make you feel good, to walk with your head up and back straight, to say what you want without apologizing. Like Rick writes, there's something of the "act like you're secure and after awhile you will BE secure" about this.

3. Talk to people about it. Almost every time I say "You know, I used to be terribly insecure and I still feel that way sometimes" someone else says, "Oh, God, me too!" That really helps -- it's not just a dark little personal secret, almost everyone has some of it.

I'm not convinced that cocky, take-charge assertiveness is what women (or other people) want as a dominant trait. Women have told me that a little shyness is charming, that honesty and transparency are appealing, and that "you can't go wrong by being gentle". But maybe that's just reflective of the kind of women I like, I dunno.

How about it, women? What percent mix of assertive, confident, shy, and gentle do you like in a guy?
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  #12  
Old 04-04-2010, 03:36 PM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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Wow, "backsliding" is a wonderful word to use to explain what has been happening to me. I was confident for short periods of time, and then I would slip.

Another update:

We had a wonderful date last night. I was able to remain confident throughout. I even phrased things the way a confident person would do so. I remained balanced.

Also, I feel reassured that our relationship has not been crippled due to my recent bouts of insecurity. She asked me questions about my past. That made me feel as though she understood me, and that she cares.
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  #13  
Old 04-05-2010, 03:02 AM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Maybe I'm just reading this wrong, but it still sounds to me like the only reason you are doing this is to improve your relationship with her.

What happened to doing it for yourself?

Sorry if I am out of line with this, but trying to be secure just to keep a relationship going is a very very dangerous thing to do when it's not built on a secure foundation.
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  #14  
Old 04-05-2010, 03:16 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Since you are so focused on "confidence" right now....this is what I would suggest. Think about your entire life. Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, Career, Home Life, Financial Status, Social Life and any other area which comes to mind that is important to you. Now- do you feel confident in any of these areas? If so, then focus on that confidence and keep that strength in mind. If not, what can you do to foster confidence in each of the areas where this isn't any confidence currently?

I think we often project too much of our self worth onto the people we are in relationship with. Be confident in yourself in general, or figure out how to develop that for yourself.
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  #15  
Old 04-05-2010, 03:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EugenePoet View Post
I'm not convinced that cocky, take-charge assertiveness is what women (or other people) want as a dominant trait. Women have told me that a little shyness is charming, that honesty and transparency are appealing, and that "you can't go wrong by being gentle". But maybe that's just reflective of the kind of women I like, I dunno.

How about it, women? What percent mix of assertive, confident, shy, and gentle do you like in a guy?
I like a guy that I feel safe with when walking on a city street late at night because he has the protective instinct and is aware of things going on around us.....often I've even seen evidence that he will spring into action when a threat is present; but when we are relaxed and safe at home, I occasionally want to see his vulnerable side. That is such a major turn on for me!!
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  #16  
Old 04-05-2010, 07:00 AM
Cynthia2k Cynthia2k is offline
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I agree with GroundedSpirit, pretending to be confident will not get you far. Find something you are good at and focus on that. That help build confidence.
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  #17  
Old 04-06-2010, 02:36 AM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Maybe I'm just reading this wrong, but it still sounds to me like the only reason you are doing this is to improve your relationship with her.

What happened to doing it for yourself?

Sorry if I am out of line with this, but trying to be secure just to keep a relationship going is a very very dangerous thing to do when it's not built on a secure foundation.
I am working on becoming confident for myself also. I'm just so relieved that I didn't phrase things like a needy guy might phrase things.

Two days have passed, and I'm still feeling good. I'm relieved.
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  #18  
Old 04-06-2010, 06:15 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I'm glad that things are going well in your eyes Vexxed...

I wonder what she would say, if she notices that you aren't confident? I am a very perceptive person and tend to be able to read right through someones "faking it til they make it" way of being. I wonder if she does? It doesn't sound like it and you say she seems to have a good time. Hmmm... if it were me you were dating, eventually I would have to confront you with this and ask you about the way you are acting. I think I would be very disappointed that I don't know the real you, lack of confidence and all, and would feel lied to. I tend to prefer people who are honest about where they are at even if they are whiny and needy. I would prefer to address that than have them avoid it... usually someone is whiny and needy because they are not getting their needs met after all and I would struggle to be with anyone that I think isn't talking to me openly about their needs and mine.

You are an interesting person Vexxed. I am thoroughly confused and interested by the situation you are in. To me it seems she is either using you for some reason or she hasn't noticed you enough (perhaps because she has so many other lovers?) to engage you in any kind of depth? Or maybe it doesn't really matter to her..?. or maybe she thinks that the facade you sometimes put on is real? Very interesting...

Thanks for sharing with us, I can imagine that it would be very frustrating and difficult to deal with all you seem to deal with. I think I would of moved on by now to someone I could be closer with and who I can share myself completely with. You said in another thread that you were well noticed by the poly women you know, what happened to all of them? She must be some kind of wonderful woman.
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  #19  
Old 04-06-2010, 11:32 AM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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I think Vexxed's GF knows he feels insecure...he mentioned that he shared that with her.

I imagine the situation a little differently than you, RP -- I imagine that she knows about his feelings, she's psychologically aware (she's got a PhD in the subject), she's on Vexxed's side and involved in helping him grow. Like he says, not as a therapist but as a lover. That's really good.

I hope I'm not mistaken in my assumptions, Vexxed. But if she really is encouraging and helping your personal growth, treasure the relationship.
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  #20  
Old 04-06-2010, 02:40 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Well let's hope you are closer to right than I am eugenepoet.
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