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View Poll Results: How should we tell the Newbie? (please read post before answering)
The Secondary should tell the Newbie right away. 9 81.82%
The Secondary should tell the Newbie after their relationship progresses. 0 0%
You should tell the Newbie ASAP. 0 0%
You should tell the Newbie after her relationship with the Secondary progresses. 0 0%
Everyone should talk about this together ASAP. 2 18.18%
Everyone should talk about this after the relationship between the Newbie and Secondary progresses. 0 0%
You and the Primary should break up with the Secondary. 0 0%
Voters: 11. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 12-18-2013, 10:21 AM
Hmm Hmm is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 54

It sounds to me like trying and desperately wanting to hear back from Secondary is causing a lot of grief. I wish it were easier to choose something, but when Secondary and Newbie are trying to sort things out and you're going through a hysteria trying to get an answer, it can be offputting. I know for me, with people I've been attracted to, once they get clingy and "want" more of me, it tends to turn me off.

My strategy for handling that lack of forwardness is saying to myself, if they don't have the courage to be outright and straightforward and there for and with me, I don't deserve to keep hurting in waiting. I'm still trying to keep an inner calm when it comes to these things, not worry or desiring so much of others, being less needy and more calm and giving, but it is still difficult to ration love like that. I'm sure there could very well be a better answer than the one I'm trying.

As of late, I've taken my "not deserving to hurt" a bit far by telling off people who hurt me with that sudden absence. I don't like the idea of inciting anger or responding with anger, as I feel it frustrates more than really accomplishing anything. It's difficult to be patient when people abandon so quickly when things get uncomfortable. It sounds like Secondary feels like telling Newbie would upset their relationship, and it's understandable. Wanting to please someone, placate them, and allay their worry is a nurturing, caring love. Not wanting to see hurt in those you care about makes sense. It is torturous not being responded to with honesty and openness when you give the same. It could be a lot of reasons why Newbie isn't getting back to you, but I imagine many of them boil down to fear and desire to keep things comfortable as they are. It is frustrating as hell when people do that. But you can't make them want what you want, only what they want. It takes a very noble kind of love to let go and be happy when others choose their own path separate from yours. Being put in that situation where your lovers of one sort or another are out of your grasp and hiding away, I presume, walking on eggshells out of anxiety or fear, for you is certainly difficult, but it is forcing you to be more selfless to be okay. By clinging to them, it's causing you tons of stress, transferring to your Primary and Secondary. Not having closure given to you is very hard, but when the ball is in their court and they drop it, sometimes you just don't get that courtesy. You just gotta find a way to brush it off and enjoy what is there, and not what flies away from you.
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