Poly and single?

[MonoVCPHG]

My only goal is that when we are all old and grey we will be deep friends whether we are Loves or not. We will look out for and support each other. None of us will be alone

[Mark1npt]

That is my deepest wish for my circle and yours, Mono.

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

Ceoli, I would never begin to put the love you've had on a lower level. I'm not going that way. I know there are many secondaries (yes I hate that term) that have probably evolved over time to become equal partners in life and love with the couple they have joined, and therefore would no longer be called secondary. That obviously takes a special set of people and circumstances for that to happen, but it is the goal many of us in poly relationships strive for.

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

The perfect scenerio you and I so desire, may in fact, be one of those elusive unicorns that people on this board mention others constantly chasing. We'll see.

I think you're mis-reading me a bit. As a single bi girl, I've been chased after as a unicorn by couples (many of them new to poly) enough to know that joining a couple as a third in any way isn't really something I want, even if that triad were to develop into something where all three are equal. One of my issues in a polyfidelity "V" model is that usually, one person gets to be with lovers every night while the two others have to have nights alone part of the time. While I applaud others who can, I can't find balance that way.

I have no problem falling in love with a person who may already be part of a couple (hell, I've already done that). I'm looking for deep loving partnerships, and I would like at least one of those partnerships to involve building a life or having a family together. I believe that two people can develop a loving, lasting, lifelong bond like that while still being involved with other people in deep loving ways.

I guess I just find it disappointing that couple-centric poly communities seem to think that your only ticket to such a life is by already being in a couple.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

I believe that two people can develop a loving, lasting, lifelong bond like that while still being involved with other people in deep loving ways.

I know it can happen..it has for me Throw another guy into the mix and things will change undoubtably. But that is not my reality today

I hope you find someone that desrves you and understands you.

Take care

[tigrrrlily]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

Like I said before, it's easy for single bi poly girls to feel like accessories to couples. I'm looking for people to love, not package deals.

Yes i understand your sentiment. I dream of seeing a particular someone who is with someone, have done for years. I've been single for 6 years and and first i mourned bitterly the lack of a partner but now I'm growing to like parts of it. It occured to me that the advantage of getting together with half of a couple is its one way of keeping the best of being single without giving up the best of being with someone. You know, some kind of one-night a week arrangement where one's eccentricities and indepences don't have to adapt too much. But its not his partner I've got the crush on, now is it? The both of them just wouldn't work for me - I don;t do well in crowds always, jar?

[XYZ123]

Hello. I don't have alot of advice to offer here. But I think [I]most[I] poly relationships probably start as couples who open up and maybe that's why a single poly is viewed in a different light. I'm really trying to wrap my head around what it is you're hoping to find, not long term but as a starting point. Are you hoping to meet another poly single who already shares the same feelings as yourself? Or several? I'm just asking because I find the notion of being a poly single female interesting and, undoubtably, challenging. You are, after all, that mythical unicorn.
At the same time, try not to close yourself off to couples because of bad experiences. There are those who exist that strive for equality and not an accessory to fit into their life. I don't think it's any easier for couples to accept a third after years than it is for the joining single to feel equal.

[tigrrrlily]

I was drawn to multiple relations long before i was ever in a couple. The point is i want to get involved with certain INDIVIDUALS, and i don't mind, in principle, if those individuals are also seeing other people - living together, occasionaly, whatever. What i'm not looking for it to have to get involved with a couple AS A UNIT - I'm a big girl now, i like to have a bit of space for gawd's sake.

[Mark1npt]

There are so many possible scenerios in this poly life. I hope you find the right combination/situation you're looking for.

[tigrrrlily]

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

There are so many possible scenerios in this poly life. I hope you find the right combination/situation you're looking for.

Um. I'm not looking for a combination or a situation. I'm looking for people. Precisely, to relate to people, to relate as fully as possible to as many people as possible who i have that spark with. How many people that is and how fully isn't build into me or lover/s but into circumstance.

As it happens i'm a bit of an imposter in this discussion, sorry for that Ceoli, because i've never been a third to a couple, and neither have i ever tried integrating another person into a couple i was part of. Our respective lovers were part of our independent lives, not our life together. I suppose this also worked better for me because I love giving and having the freedom to see other people but for now i still find being reminded too much of my lovers' lovers hard to bear in practice.

Anyway the bottom line, which I think we agree on, is that coupling or tripling are not the only ways of being poly.

[Mark1npt]

Um....excuse me.