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  #11  
Old 12-17-2013, 08:21 PM
katniss93 katniss93 is offline
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We used condoms, I told him flat out that I was planning to have a family with my husband.

The problem I'm having is how controlling he is being and I don't think that is healthy for my family whether he is the father or not. Do I have any obligation to be with him if it is his kid despite his need to be in control and tell me how my husband isn't good enough for a family?

Do I work it out with someone who tells me all he's done for me is wasted if I tell him when something's wrong. He gets so upset when I tell him about issues in our relationship that I'm too afraid to tell him how I feel.

And if I do break up with him and it is his kid should I let him be in the child's life regardless of the way he makes me feel in our relationship?
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  #12  
Old 12-17-2013, 08:24 PM
london london is offline
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See, if you used a condom, the chances of it being your boyfriend's is very slim. I said before why he might be freaking out but I wouldn't be, if I were you. It is much more likely to be your husband's kid.
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  #13  
Old 12-17-2013, 08:26 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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Not really your choice to "allow" him to be in the child's life if he is indeed the biological father. The harder you make things on him the harder he will make things on you.
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  #14  
Old 12-17-2013, 08:29 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Given you used condoms, it is unlikely he is the father - but not impossible. If it is his child, then he has rights. You may not have the option of permitting him - or not - to be in your lives. But he does not have to be in your life as bf.

His gifts are not gifts as they are given with strings attached - the buying of your affection. He feels when he gives you something that you owe him. This is controlling and not the basis of a healthy relationship. Refuse the gifts. Give back what you can. End it.
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  #15  
Old 12-17-2013, 08:33 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katniss93 View Post
We used condoms, I told him flat out that I was planning to have a family with my husband.
Then why did you say you didn't know who the father was? You're not helping the situation at all unless you can firmly assert that your husband is the father.

Quote:
The problem I'm having is how controlling he is being and I don't think that is healthy for my family whether he is the father or not. Do I have any obligation to be with him if it is his kid despite his need to be in control and tell me how my husband isn't good enough for a family?
You have a legal obligation to him if he is the father, but no other obligation. Feel free to break up with him but don't expect any happy endings at this point. His need to be in control absolutely means you probably don't want to be with him.

Quote:
Do I work it out with someone who tells me all he's done for me is wasted if I tell him when something's wrong. He gets so upset when I tell him about issues in our relationship that I'm too afraid to tell him how I feel.
Well, you have three problems to deal with, in no particular order now:
1) The relationship with your husband as outlined in your first thread
2) Your relationship with your BF, who wants to be a father
3) Your child, which you claim you don't know who the father is

Quote:
And if I do break up with him and it is his kid should I let him be in the child's life regardless of the way he makes me feel in our relationship?
You don't really have a choice if he is legally the father.
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  #16  
Old 12-17-2013, 08:38 PM
katniss93 katniss93 is offline
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Should I also be concerned that he is in a legal battle over custody of his daughter from a one night stand and the court ruled that he is an unfit father?
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  #17  
Old 12-17-2013, 08:42 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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You choose to date him.
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  #18  
Old 12-17-2013, 08:45 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katniss93 View Post
Should I also be concerned that he is in a legal battle over custody of his daughter from a one night stand and the court ruled that he is an unfit father?
Yes, because it means he will likely take you to court to assert paternity if he is already seen to be willing to do so in another situation.
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  #19  
Old 12-17-2013, 09:44 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Sigh. I am sorry you are going through this.

I can't think of a nicer way to put this. So I apologize if it is hard to hear, ok?


You have been with this man for 2 mos.
He sounds like an abusive nutter with all that awful behavior.

Quote:
Should I also be concerned that he is in a legal battle over custody of his daughter from a one night stand and the court ruled that he is an unfit father?
So the court found him unfit based on evidence in that case. If he ever actually takes you to court for some crazy reason, you can ask your lawyer about examining that related case and how it could help you in building your case. What applies and what does not?

But you don't need to fear going to court. You work all that out with your lawyer at THAT point in time.

I am more concerned about the possibilities at THIS point in time. The time BEFORE court. Who knows if it ever goes to court for anything? Because what stops unstable him from getting a gun? Maybe you never SEE court because he shoots you. That whole "If I cannot have you, nobody can!" wacky?

Normally I go with honesty and ethics. But since you mention ABUSE? If you are concerned for your personal safety? Self preservation and that of your unborn baby comes first.

Could LIE to the nutty BF. To buy you time to assess with a cooler head and with the facts to hand. Tell him whatever to get him off your back so you can have time to do these things for YOU. Maybe you want husband's help in this.
  • Could read the control/tactics list. Circle anything else you experience with him. If you have to WONDER if something is abusive? For sure it isn't apple pie! So read the list and circle so you can evaluate how much you deal in here.
  • Could quietly get a paternity test on your own to lay that to rest. Hopefully it is husband's after all. You don't have to tell BF you are doing this.
  • Could consult with women's shelters to get pointed to the local resources you need for dealing with getting an abusive person off your back. They have seen it all and know where to go/what to do.
  • Could check your laws where you live for who you name as father on the birth certificate (if you name any at all.) Maybe you just don't legally list him as the father even if he is the bio dad. Or you put your husband as the legal father on there. ) Weight out the pros and cons of that if it turns out husband is NOT the father.
  • Could check your laws where you live for an injunction/restraining order if you think you will need one and the steps to acquire it.
  • Could figure out what lawyer you want to use and how to go about getting that if you need a formal "cease and desist" letter as part of seeking a restraining order.

Gather your resources and facts together before you tip him off. If he's that unbalanced the last thing you need is him ambushing you.

Right now? He uses various tactics to get you to do what he wants ranging from emotional blackmail to "you owe me" attitude to fear tactics. You don't need to be paranoid all the time forever, but right now? Better safe than sorry.

Healthy people don't behave this way in a 2 mos relationship.

Trying to impregnate you to tie you to him -- sadly, that's another control tactic. Hopefully it is your husband's so at the very least you get that sorted out.

Quote:
I'm so afraid of breaking up with him because he might take me to court if it is his kid.
Find out on your own if he even has a leg to stand on in court. And pray you get to court! You don't need to fear court.

You could fear HIM. Last thing you and hubby need is a nutter with a gun showing up at your doorstep.

Quote:
Is this an abusive relationship. How can I get out of it?
If you have to ask? It isn't apple pie!

You get out of it carefully -- with a safety plan. Get help formulating one. (Google safety plan).

Which is why I say lie for now to buy you time to do it all in. Use it get your facts together and educate yourself before you tip him off.

In the meanwhile, don't be alone with him in person. Claim morning sickness or whatever you need to do so you don't have to engage with him much.

Quote:
Is there any chance of making it work?
He's pushy, over the top, controlling, weird. TWO MONTHS? And he's doing all this? Keep away! Don't think about making it work.

You post because you want to break up with him and are trying to figure out how. So stick to your want and form the plan.

Could think about getting away safely instead.

Quote:
My husband keeps telling me I should break up with him because he's worried that he will try to control the family, control me, and make life miserable for our family.
He is correct to worry. BF sounds unstable. Def break up.

Just make the plan for HOW to break up.

Quote:
But I don't feel strong enough because every time i try I end up crying so bad I can't speak, and then he tells me he'll do anything for me and I am to weak to tell him to leave.
Making it emotionally hard to leave is another tactic. Could read up on the tactics.

If in person is hard (and I don't suggest it anyway -- gun remember?) don't do it in face time when you break up with him. Could just move on and don't contact him at all. Just change your phone and not reply to his contacting you.

Could stop trying to "do the nice thing" and break up in face time. Once abuse enters the picture you do not HAVE to be nice, pleasant, agreeable, friendly. You are not obligated to be kind to a person who trespasses upon you over and over -- buying you things you don't want, down talking your husband, playing emotional games with you, insinuating himself in your life, threatening you with court, paternity tests, custody battles, etc. You owe him nothing. It is not physical abuse at this point, but that is not the only kind of abuse. There's emotional abuse, mental abuse , psychological abuse, etc.

If he can't deal with disappointment appropriately like a healthy adult? That's his problem. BUT because he's seeming unstable it could become your problem if he decides to pull a stunt to harm you. Keep away, and be careful.

If you are in an abusive, controlling relationship? The leaving time can be a dangerous time. Get some information first on how to protect yourself before you set that in motion. But DO set it in motion.

I wouldn't wish abuse on anyone but if that is what you have going on here... could take a deep breath and figure out how deal with it appropriately by tapping into your local resources. This isn't something internet people can help you solve.

Again, I am sorry you endure this.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-17-2013 at 10:42 PM.
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  #20  
Old 12-17-2013, 09:56 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I agree with others the BF sounds like a fruit cake.

On the other hand why in the name of gods little green apples are you dating such a man. Bluntly you picked him and decided to date this man. Now you may have a nasty legal battle aheadof you.

Next time be careful who you bring into your life and sleep with. And pray he is not you baby's father. Because you will be stuck with him forever.
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