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Old 12-17-2013, 07:32 PM
katniss93 katniss93 is offline
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Unhappy Reasons to break up?

Embarrassed about all the problems I'm having but I need to vent/ ask for advice somewhere. So thank you for reading.

My husband and I had been planning for over a year to get pregnant. Finally I'm pregnant and I am very happy about it. However there are issues I am having with my secondary. Because I conceived around the time I started having sex with him he is 90% sure it's his and keeps telling me about how if it's his kid he's going to do all these things, he wants to be on the birth certificate, he wants the baby to have same last name as him. And if I don't let him have those things he'll take me to court or he says that I would be taking away his only hope of having a family.

Here's the thing, we've only been together 2 months.

He got upset when I told him I recently got a fertility test for my husband, to make sure he could have kids, and he was positive. My secondary was upset because he thought I wanted it to be my husbands kid more than I wanted it to be his. First of all, yes I do because we have been planning for it.

So with all this going on I think it should be easy to decide to break up with him. And I've tried telling him this relationship isn't going to work. Especially since he doesn't like my husband. But then he brings up why I should stay with him and I don't know what to say because I agree with him on most things.

1. we shouldn't break up because he can take care of me and he really loves me.
2. Because he cares about me he has spent a lot of money on me, even though most of it I didn't ask for
3. He is absolutely and completely committed to this relationship
4. It could be his kid and if so he wants to be in the child's life, otherwise when the baby is born he'll get a court order for a DNA test
5. My husband isn't good enough for me and hasn't been very nice to him
6. I can't take care of this baby without him
7. If I break up with him he'll be so heart broken he will move far away and I won't see him again except for legal reasons if it is his kid

I actually have a counter argument to all these things and I really do care about him and I don't want to see him hurt. But the problem is when I tell him he doesn't listen, he gets very upset and tells me all the bad things that are going to happen if I leave him and then bags me not to break up. He pushes me into promising we won't break up, and I promise because I'm afraid of him blaming all his hurt on me and then taking it out on me. I can't break up with him because when I try he calls me a liar for promising not to break up and places all the blame and guilt for his pain on me. He tells me all the things he's done for me because he cares, like taking me to the hospital and paying out of pocket for the bill, even though I didn't ask him to and kept telling him to give me the bill. I feel like he's pushing for all these reasons not to break as if though he wants me to be afraid of breaking up.

Should I feel this much guilt? I'm so afraid of breaking up with him because he might take me to court if it is his kid. And ya, he makes a lot of money and could take care of me and the kid more financially but that doesn't mean my husband is an unfit father and that I can't take care of my own child.

Is this an abusive relationship. How can I get out of it? Is there any chance of making it work? I wouldn't mind taking time to work things out with him but I'm 2 months pregnant and can't have this control in my life. My husband keeps telling me I should break up with him because he's worried that he will try to control the family, control me, and make life miserable for our family. But I don't feel strong enough because every time i try I end up crying so bad I can't speak, and then he tells me he'll do anything for me and I am to weak to tell him to leave.
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Old 12-17-2013, 07:53 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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You are happy about being pregnant, he is not happy for you. And he reads like a passive aggressive manipulator.

Honestly it sounds like you need to drop that rock. But thats just me.

Breaking up with someone is about YOU.. not him. So if you need to break up with him, and it sounds like you do. Then do it.

Staying with someone unhealthy because of a kid isn't a reasonable expectation.

Quote:
Is this an abusive relationship. How can I get out of it?
Yes. And you walk. .. it really isn't hard to break up. To take the famous words of a sporting goods company "just do it". You are pregnant and these should be the happiest times for you.. enjoy them...
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Old 12-17-2013, 08:01 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Wait, are you sure this is really your husband's child?

Even if you do break up with him he can still try to assert paternity, so be prepared to deal with that. It sounds like even if you don't break up with him he will still assert paternity!

My concern isn't with who loves who, you are grown adults and can deal with it. The child never asked for any of this and deserves to be treated with respect.
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Old 12-17-2013, 08:04 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Sounds like you didn't really resolve your issue with J if this 'two month' old BF is trying to assert paternity.
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Old 12-17-2013, 08:04 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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Sounds like he is happy she's pregnant and wants the kid to be his. What if the kid is his? He's going to be treated like a surrogate father?
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Old 12-17-2013, 08:07 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I can't count the red flags, but he really sounds more like a cowboy. Talking at only two months about how he is better for you than your husband?? I wouldn't want that talk. I expect everyone loving me to at the very least respect the others in my life! No one is replacing anyone and if he doesn't get that, then he's not going to get poly.

The VERY SERIOUS discussion of safe sex and children is one that everyone should have had, and agreed upon. While my bf jokes about having kids with me, he jokes now because he knows that it's taken care of, that we won't be. He'll have kids, and he jokes more now about how I shall spoil them! But, he doesn't want to step into those shoes, I have kids, they have a father, that's not his role.

Your boyfriend doesn't want to 'share' you, he wants to rescue you. If he thinks that's what you need there's two ways I'd handle it.

1) look and see if you need rescuing. If you do, then rescue yourself!

2) look and see if you need rescuing, if you don't, then he needs to back off!

Some people need to feel like the hero, the victim, rescuer, villain triangle. Not your job to break him out of that, his job.
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Old 12-17-2013, 08:08 PM
katniss93 katniss93 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spock View Post
Wait, are you sure this is really your husband's child?

Even if you do break up with him he can still try to assert paternity, so be prepared to deal with that. It sounds like even if you don't break up with him he will still assert paternity!

My concern isn't with who loves who, you are grown adults and can deal with it. The child never asked for any of this and deserves to be treated with respect.
I have no idea who the bio father is. It's all about when I concieved, it's either 2 weeks before I met him or two weeks after. Not sure just yet.

I'm not worried about love, I'm worried about him being harmful to my family, legally and emotionally. I just don't know how to push him away when he keeps taking care of me.
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Old 12-17-2013, 08:13 PM
london london is offline
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What contraception were you and your secondary using? If you used a condom, then it is unlikely and I find it weird for him to react like this. It might be a somewhat extreme reaction to being confronted with the reality of having a polyamorous partner. Still, weird.

If it is possible that he is the father of the child because you didn't use contraception, then he should absolutely be able to be a father figure to the child if he wants to. The complications that brings to your married life is now irrelevant because you chose to increase the chances of conceiving with someone other than your husband. And, possible unfortunately for you, he seems to have the finances necessary to petition for a paternity test. Many men sadly don't have the luxury of being able to prove paternity.
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Old 12-17-2013, 08:14 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katniss93 View Post
I have no idea who the bio father is. It's all about when I concieved, it's either 2 weeks before I met him or two weeks after. Not sure just yet.

I'm not worried about love, I'm worried about him being harmful to my family, legally and emotionally. I just don't know how to push him away when he keeps taking care of me.
You have a serious problem then because he can assert paternity, and if he is the father he can also legally force either visitation or outright custody.
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Old 12-17-2013, 08:21 PM
london london is offline
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I know many judges actually follow the law that most of us have stating that refusing to allow a child to develop a parental bond with it's biological parents is emotionally abusive to said child. Abusive parents usually don't get custody. OP, I would really look at ways you are going to allow your boyfriend to be a father, if he is one, rather than cut him out. It will not look favourable on you.

Just imagine if someone was threatening to stop you parenting your unborn baby because you being known as the legal parent would inconvenience their life? Wouldn't you act a bit crazy?
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