Loving Radiance and Others....
Loving Radiance started as a name for my business (I closed it down last July).How it came to be is a long story-and a story that I feel the need to get off my chest. It's my story. How I came to polyamory. Not a pretty story, not a short story either. Hopefully someday it will become a happy story.
I had an abortion after our 10 year old son was born. He was about 8 months old. Maca had gotten a vasectomy, but he'd been sent out of town for work and well... he isn't really as excited by himself as he is by me. (good thing really). So he didn't make it through the "clear your system" number of times before I got to visit for one night and well, we got pregnant.
My stepson was almost 4. He was having HORRIBLE psychological issues. His world was such a mess. He was violent (knives, threats to kill etc) and keeping him safe and cared for as well as an 8 month old was overwhelming in the best of circumstances (not to mention my 7 year old daughter). I am not a healthy person when I'm pregnant. I get very very ill and have to be medicated and spend a lot of time in bed. I opted for an abortion. I was honestly certain that if I tried to carry the baby to term one way or another one of the others would end up dead or seriously injured. Maca never pushed me one way or the other. He was fully supportive of whatever I felt I needed without so much as a comment to what he wanted because he was afraid it would push my decision.
Long story short-it was painful, emotionally. Within a few months all hell broke loose (again and this would continue until 2 years ago) with Maca's ex and son and the child ended up going to his stay with his mother for about 6 months. I was DEVASTATED. I felt as though I gave up my baby for this child to be able to have care in our home only to have Maca not care enough to put in the effort. Honestly-it wasn't that simple (never is) but that is how I felt.
By the time 6 months passed the ex was living on the street and dumped their son off at Maca's work. He called me in shock and confusion, not knowing what to do. Of course I told him, bring him home. The poor child. The REASON he was such a nightmare had to do with his life being like this from day one. It continued until he was 10 and I helped him file papers himself.
ANYWAY-the drama didn't stop and the relationship between Maca and I started to fall apart. When our baby boy was a year my stepson (then 4) threw (not pushed) him down a flight of stairs, I missed by INCHES. The baby was playing on the floor a few feet from me, happily (he already knew how to walk and to traverse stairs so he was near the stairs but this was unconcerning). The 4 year old came down the hallway (where he was out of my view). He could hear me in the kitchen, the baby was on the floor in the doorway of the kitchen at the top of the stairs playing. The 4 year old grabbed the baby, started screaming, "I'm going to kill you, you little bastard!" at the top of his lungs.
I launched for him-just as he flung the baby out in front of him down the stairwell. I screamed, the baby screamed. My oldest had been playing downstairs. She came running at the screams. She got to her baby brother just as he slammed into the floor at the bottom of the stairs.
She was 9, almost the same age he is now actually.
I grabbed the 4 year old who was continuing to scream hateful threatening things and crying. I wrapped my arms around his and pinned them down, then sat with him in my lap screaming and squirming.
I stared down the stairs at my daughter who was checking the baby. He was still crying-that told me that he wasn't dead. Tears were streaming down my face, but I could see that my daughter was doing exactly the right things, so I kept the 4 year old safely pinned in my arms instead of manically running down to my baby and risking the 4 year old getting a knife from the kitchen (he'd done that one before).
My daughter checked each leg, each arm for a break, she checked his head for any weak spot. He seemed ok, he was holding one of her hands with his against his face and crying against it. She asked me if she could pick him up. She's a smart kid and we'd gone over danger of broken backs etc because she spent LOTS of time around small children and babies.
She picked him up and held him, he calmed almost immediately. I asked her to getme the phone and take him to her room. She gave me the phone, she took him to her room and he happily played with her while I called Maca. I told him I was done, that the 4 year old needed help and we were taking him to an incare facility.
He came home that night and we took him in. He was pretty upfront with the intake people that he had in fact intended to kill his brother and why-his mom told him if he got rid of the baby and me then daddy would go back to take care of her.
He spent 3 weeks there, but in the meantime the ex filed false allegations against myself and my daughter. I sent my daughter out of state-the first time we were separated, to my dad. I told the Office of Children Services that I would not tell them where she was because she had already been through too much on account of my husband's ex-wife and I wasn't allowing them to torment her further (we had OCS in our home monthly for years because they have to investigave all reports and while they always confirmed the reports were lies that she was making in order to try and get Maca back, it was hurtful for the kids).
They threatened to put me in jail, I didn't care. I wasn't going to let them get to my daughter anymore. Ultimately it came out that it was all a lie (again). But it was a year before my daughter was home again.
By that time I was having an affair with GG.
Suffice it to say that cheating wasn't a solution to marital problems and yes I know all about why it's wrong. No need to post the details for me-you can read my other posts and know that.
I needed someone who would understand, love, support me no matter what. I wasn't finding it in Maca, so I found it somewhere else.
I got pregnant with GG. By the time this occurred things were actually calming down at home. My stepson was living full time with his mother (made it 2 years that time). Maca and I were trying to get our lives back on track. I had tried and GG had tried to break things off-but we didn't have the backbone to do it.
I had another abortion. I was distraught with guilt. I was a mess. Suffice it to say that Maca put two and two together anyway and our whole world blew up around me. RAD were the initials of the name we chose for the baby we aborted. From those initials came the terms "Loving Radiance". A way to remember, to grieve etc.
I started crocheting-and didn't stop for years. I started selling the baby blankets etc and ended up making some money off of it. Then. The grieving stopped and I stopped crocheting (house full of yarn and not a stitch left in my heart for it-too busy with real life interests).
Sept. 25th, 2009. I told Maca about polyamory. We've started down the path of acceptance and truly loving one another.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
|commitment, confusion, fortitude, love, struggle|