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Old 12-15-2013, 06:01 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,134

But, as you say, my own desires have changed from wanting to be polysexual to wanting to be polyamorous, which is quite a different ball game. We're going to have to talk about that again and see where we stand on it. (I think he will struggle very much with this.)
Yup -- you will have to talk again. Because now it seems you want either a (polyamorous) thing now, or a (polyamorous AND polysexual) thing. You could clarify when you have this new conversation.

If you wonder if he will struggle with having new conversation? You could ask him what could help make having the conversation easier. In other words, have a planning conversation about HOW and WHEN to have (the series of talks required to figure out each of your wants, needs, and limits in relationship, and if considering a new model is possible here.)

I am assuming you both would want to have it at home in private, and not in the middle of the grocery store, right? Probably at least an hour at a time, not more than 2 hours if you take breaks. But if anyone gets emotional, call TIME OUT and take a break for 20-30 min before continuing or postpone til next week to let people calm themselves.

What about the rest of it? Once a week until it's all talked through? When not tired or hungry? Both come to the table with questions written on paper, so if you get tired or someone gets overwhelmed, you can circle where you left off, put it away, and come back to it later? Things like that so the series of conversations can go WELL.

This other stuff...
I am not able to express myself honestly because...
  • I will feel guilty for making him upset
  • I don't want to start an argument which may ruin the short time we have together in a weekend
  • I am scared that he will ask me not to see D any more if he knew how deeply I felt about him

You could examine each of those more closely. Going backwards....

I am scared that he will ask me not to see D any more if he knew how deeply I felt about him
Well, being honest about how you feel about D meets your goal for more "Open and honest" relating.

If he asks you not to see D anymore, you could respond to the request.
  • What is your need? Is is a need for ______? Yes, I am willing meet your need. I agree to do it by not seeing D.
  • What is your need? Is it a need for _______? No, I will not meet your your need by doing that. Maybe I can meet your need in a different way. Would you be open to that?

The feeling scared bit -- well, you aren't going to learn to be LESS scared about doing hard conversation and dealing with potential conflict resolution unless you TAKE the risk of learning how to DO better conflict resolution.

And you learning those skills helps you meet your goal of being more "open and honest" in your relating. So I'd suggest you look up conflict resolution and how to deal with it so you can let go of your fear.

Take the risk of (learning how to do conflict resolution better) and (applying it in my real life, not just reading about it) so you can learn to let go of fear, grow more confident in those skills. Result: You can feel confident about relating more authentically, openly, honestly like you want to be.

I don't want to start an argument which may ruin the short time we have together in a weekend
That sounds like making excuses to avoid doing your time management to me.

You don't have to "ruin" a weekend appointment time that you set up to socialize and have fun in.
  • Socialize and have fun on that weekend date.
  • Make a different date to have serious conversation.

This is time management stuff. You could DO your time management.

If you talk about HOW and WHEN to do serious conversation and set the appointment date to do that in so you can both be prepared when you come to it? Then neither of you is "ambushed" and you minimize surprises.

You can sit back and enjoy the "socialize" date.

If you know how to do conflict resolution effectively, you can let go of fear of scheduling your time management.

I will feel guilty for making him upset
That's a good start -- you articulated. But it isn't all the way down to the bottom.

You could examine this deeper, and the belief behind it. I'm going to guess. I might guess wrong, so you could correct it or add to it.
  1. I tell him things I feel, openly and honestly. (This meets my goal of "open and honest" relating.)
  2. He receives it and responds however he responds. Maybe even upset.
  3. Now I have to deal with him being (maybe) upset. Watching him be upset is hard for me because then I feel guilty. WHY do I feel guilty?
    • When he is upset, he expresses himself appropriately. Then I do (Run away? Ignore his upset? Pretend he is not upset or minimize it? Some other behavior?). I think (I don't feel like dealing with him? Some other thought?) So I feel guilty for doing _____. And thinking ______.
    • When he is upset he expresses himself inappropriately. He does (Yelling met me? Shaming behavior? Something else?) Then I do (appeasing behavior just to get him to stop? Yell back? Some other behavior I don't like/am not proud of?) I think (I stink for putting my own needs on the back burner? I stink for having needs and bringing them to his awareness? I deserve his bad behavior toward me? Some other thinking behavior?) I feel guilty for doing _____. And thinking ______.
  • CORE BELIEF: I feel guilty because I believe I am responsible for making sure he only ever feels happy feelings? (<--- Is that your belief?)
  • CORE BELIEF: I feel guilty because I believe I am responsible for meeting my own needs or seeking/asking for help to meet my own needs. But I don't do it. (<--- Is that your belief?)
  • CORE BELIEF: I feel guilty because I believe I am responsible for ___________?(<--- Something else there that is your belief?)

You could keeping going. Finishing sort yourself out internally first. Before teaming up with him to sort out whatever else between the two of you.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-15-2013 at 10:13 PM.
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