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  #71  
Old 12-15-2013, 05:35 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Thanks for the words of support Wildflowers.

Lots of good ideas about questions and how and what to ask.
I think I know most of the answers. He has discussed before that his wife thinks he is a porn addict, he told me watches mornings and nights. He says he has a higher than average libido, masturbates twice a day. I have no issue with this, webcam chats, IM or whatever he enjoys. My big question is why the need to lie in an open relationship? And I think I know the answer to that too, because it's exciting, he likes the attention and being sneaky is fun.

My usual reaction to unsuccessful relationships is to dump the idiot in question and not think twice about it again. I have only been dumped once, I have done all the breaking up.

However, as I have written before, I am taking a good hard look at myself and what are probably attachments issues. Meaning I don't attach easily or quickly.

Kip has partly been an experiment in trying to attach emotionally and while we have had brief "I love you's " I am not really upset by this at all. And I think I should be. Shocked at the lies but not heart sore.
I was a little upset back in August when I thought we were breaking up but even then I could have moved on very quickly.

I have thought about dumping Prof on many an occasion, did once and have put it out there a few times. Yo got dumped 3 times, Rugby guy didn't last long.

I was even messing with OKC again, rejigging my profile. While on the subject, guess who messaged me? My pics were down as I wanted to put up new ones. ROFLMAO.
Even as I think about the OKC part, I am surprised at myself. Shouldn't there be some period of mourning for an over year long relationship?

I am ready to move and have been for a while. My parenting agreement prohibits me from leaving the county with the kids but I have been looking at moving to the further limits.

I have moved every 5-6 years since I was a child, major moves, different countries usually. This is the longest I have ever lived in one place and it is only because I can't legally get out. I also need to wait till I finish the intern part of my program, so stuck here at least until the summer next year at the earliest.

It suits my minimal attachment style. Leaving is never sad for me, it is a new start.

I am burned out with relationships, friends, lovers, colleagues and yearn to go back to being new and anonymous. It is preferable to leave then deal with relationships.

So, I feel I must deal with Kip, not just disappear. I am trying to reverse this pattern of walking away from tough relationship situations without looking at the whys and my part in the failure.

I will call my counselor that I saw during the marriage break up. I am not sure if I am a bit old and stuck in my ways at this point, but I am open to learning.
I am also making an appointment with my ob/gyn, for testing. Will call in the morning.
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Kip: 50s male, married.
Prof: 50s male.
Joe: 40s, male.
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  #72  
Old 12-16-2013, 01:09 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Feeling like Chris Hansen form Dateline or whatever the program is.

Deleted my OKC profile, to avoid the message from Kip, and set up a new one last night.

When I went online this afternoon there was another message from Kip, very similar to the last and a lovely email from Prof!

Prof liked my responses on the open relationships questions and would I like to meet for a glass of wine, stroll and chat? It was a very good first email, obviously read my profile and had a think about it.

I am going insane, he told me 2 weeks ago he and S agreed he would shut down meeting new people, no new dates. While they could have have renegotiated this, it is highly unlikely as she was in hospital!

On a different note, how could they both not realize it is me? My new user name is very similar to the old, I haven't changed my physical descriptions or likes that much. It's not like I live in a huge city. Come on stoopids.

Prof gets a chance to explain that he is dating again, that he is not cheating on S or lying to me.

My brain is fried.

My only conclusion so far is, my picker is really broken.

Next question, both ( probably) of these men are cheating on 1)wife 2) very ill primary partner.

Do I keep out of it? I do not have any kind of relationship with either of the women.

I had a very brief IM chat with Kip this morning. He was asking about the swing in January. I couldn't stomach it.
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Kip: 50s male, married.
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Joe: 40s, male.
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  #73  
Old 12-16-2013, 01:26 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Woah, you changed your profile and immediately both your cheating men hit on you? What the fuck with these lying cheating cheaters?

I am appalled. I thought Kip was bad enough, but now Prof, who says he isn't dating others, hit on YOU, when he didn't know it was you?

This is all so crazy, I can't even...
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me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
my bf: Ginger, 61, married to:
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and dating (NRE): Carla and David, married couple, early 40s
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  #74  
Old 12-16-2013, 02:52 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Hi Mags,
I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I know Prof is on OKC, he knows I pop my profile up and down. Kip knows I am on OKC and sometimes POF.

Their approaches are so different, Kip sent out 138 short messages in 2 months, Prof goes for the better crafted personalized message. It really does reflect their personalities.

I got to the point last night where I was laughing at the situation. 2 men in open relationships, still can't be honest about seeing other women.

I kind of get why they didn't tell me. I would not be happy with a high turnover of women, I think it is hard to get a true picture of STD safety and I would probably have extricated myself if I knew the extent of Kip's activities. He knows that, we had many a talk on the subject, as with Prof.

I have known about about and been complicit with Prof cheating. The woman he is planning to bring to the swing, L, was vetoed by S before they started being intimate. Prof was reading me texts from L, very sexual in nature and has told me they had sex before.
Prof and I have broken most of the rules on his list. he calls it having "fuzzy boundaries". I have to admit to my part in this.
If they'll do it with you, they'll do it too you." Dr. Phil, so sage.

So, I still don't want to talk to Kip, I might wait till he gets back from his trip. That's the betrayal that hurts the most.
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  #75  
Old 12-16-2013, 03:42 PM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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Unless you're close to their other partners, I'd stay out of those. Knowing you're uncomfortable with the revolving door of sexual partners means there should be more honesty, not less, so you can protect yourself. You can take the stuff with Prof as a learning experience as you noted, but I suggest at the very least that you get yourself tested and cut off all fluid bonding with these 2 men you know to be dishonest. If you don't break up with them entirely. It might be a good topic to bring up in counseling for objectivity and help dealing with the fallout. I'm so sorry you're going through this. :-(
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  #76  
Old 12-17-2013, 02:32 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Thanks Southern Gal.

I am going to try and deal with this rather than simply disappear. "Nice to meet, you bye."

I am trying to work on the whole communication issue so here are 2 opportunities.

Prof is coming round tonight. I already said sex is off the menu.

Not sure whether to come out right with it, or ask a few probing questions. It could be that he is dating again as per agreement with S.
They have a difference between engagements and dating. He could have approached Me.2 looking to meet and chat about open relationship or poly, not necessarily as a dating partner.

I cancelled Kip for tomorrow, it was a hurried IM exchange, I still don't know how to approach this.

Is it really my business what they do when not with me? Do they owe me an explanation?

It is the lying that stings. They both know I am ok with all of us having other partners.

Admission...I replied to both of their OKC messages. Asking what they are looking for. Maybe they will be more honest with a perceived stranger.
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Kip: 50s male, married.
Prof: 50s male.
Joe: 40s, male.
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  #77  
Old 12-17-2013, 07:41 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Quote:
Is it really my business what they do when not with me? Do they owe me an explanation?

It is the lying that stings. They both know I am ok with all of us having other partners
Yes it's your business. Your health is your business.

And the lying is the problem. If you can't trust them about that, you can't trust them about anything.
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  #78  
Old 12-18-2013, 01:49 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Had a good talk with Prof last night.
He said he is still on OKC, has a lot of email buddies and still emails people who describe as poly or open and want to meet and chat. But he is not looking to add another partner, there is the line.

S tried to veto me again over the weekend, a green hair elastic was in the trash. Prof laid down the law and said if she was going to go ballistic over people forgetting stuff then she would not be welcome in his home anymore. Line between deliberately moving in personal items and losing items. Maybe I should get my hair cut short! I have little hair elastics and clips all over the place.

We had lots of discussion about relationships, boundaries, what one partner is entitled to know.

I flat out asked him if he would tell me about one-night stands or hook-ups. He said he wouldn't and wouldn't expect me to tell him. Only if there was some kind of risk or didn't use protection. He said he is not into the hook up thing but if he decided to do it regularly then he would tell me.
I asked how he thought I'd react. He said he thought I would be fine with the occasional liaison but not if he was doing it regularly. And he is quite correct.

He did say that he felt I was not forthcoming about my dating and what was going on in my life. I ask more questions than I answer. Also correct.

On a sweet side note. I did say that ex should be moving this week and start taking the kids for overnights again. He said he would pay for the moving costs if brought back Wednesday sleep-overs sooner. He said he really missed it.

I am having a small Dr's office procedure done tomorrow, he is going to come round and make tea and treats.

I am glad I decided to talk to him about my concerns rather than knee-jerk dump him. Maybe this communication thing works!

Kip, no progress there. Some simple IM chat, I told him about the procedure and that I wouldn't be up for sex for the rest of the week. This gives me till January to decide how to approach him. I think meet and ask questions, same as with Prof and if he denies it, then I will fess up to reading his emails and finish with him. I will probably finish with him anyway. There is no doubt that he has been lying for ages. Even when I ask him directly about dating. He is too busy, blah blah blah. Only got time for wife and me.
Ugh.
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Kip: 50s male, married.
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  #79  
Old 12-18-2013, 03:56 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlantis View Post
However, as I have written before, I am taking a good hard look at myself and what are probably attachments issues. Meaning I don't attach easily or quickly.

Kip has partly been an experiment in trying to attach emotionally . . .
Huh. This is the opposite of my relationship goal, which is to love without attachment. I've written about this a few times here. Basically I believe that getting attached to someone is not a good place to be. Interesting that you're striving to feel attached.
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  #80  
Old 12-18-2013, 06:18 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Maybe attached isn't the right word. Open and trusting enough to share thoughts and feelings. Feeling connected enough to share.
I did some reading on attachment myself. I get what you are saying.
I feel that I can be too emotionally distant, not express caring enough through words.
Does that make sense?
Both of them have said getting things out of me is difficult. I am an INTJ personality through and through. I gather information and have a think about it. Then ask more questions.
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