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  #1  
Old 07-05-2009, 01:35 AM
tigrrrlily tigrrrlily is offline
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Default ouch - help

guy breaks up with me saying he's met someone else and he feels he's monogamous, as if this is self-explanatory. wasn't he supposed to not start with someone else if he was so monogamous? why do some monogamists, especially the serial kind, seem to think that breaking up won't be painful for us? how should i feel about having been used as the lubrication to move the guy from one relationship to another? what can i say to him to drive the message home? should i bother?

Last edited by tigrrrlily; 07-13-2009 at 10:59 PM.
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  #2  
Old 07-05-2009, 07:04 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Sorry for your pain tigrrrily,
Hopefully he didn't purposely misrepresent his nature form the bginning. It may have changed or emerged though. Change happens.

If he is monogamous then there really is nothing else to say therefore it is self explanantory. He wants one person who wants one person. That could be just the way it is.

I sincerely hope you find someone with a compatible nature.

Take care
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Old 07-05-2009, 02:02 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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That sucks. I am sorry you are going through this.

I see two common misunderstandings of polyamory relationships. One is that if there is a break-up and the person is in another relationship, then it should not hurt because you are still in love. The other is that since polyamorists can be in more relationship at a time, that we do not devote ourselves to those relationships very much. These are bother very false, but may seem reasonable from a monogamy point of view.

My guess is that he either met someone who says she wanted monogamy and he had to break up with you. Or he felt threatened by other lovers (or potential lovers) in your life. But that is a wild guess since I don't know much about the relationship itself.

If you want to bother, just let him know that he hurt you and leave it at that. He has to deal with his consciousness in hiw own way.
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Old 07-05-2009, 04:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Quath View Post
That sucks. I am sorry you are going through this.

Or he felt threatened by other lovers (or potential lovers) in your life.
Speaking from a mono point of view...that is quite possible! I highly doubt there are words or actions that can overcome this in a mono guy. He may even be willing to settle for something less than you have to offer or deny his true feelings just so he doesn't neeed to deal with the idea of you finding some one else.

Just out of curiosity, is he straight or bi-sexual? There seems to be a trend in b-isexual men being better capable to handle thier girlfriends/loves with other men.

I hope you find comfort and happiness fast
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Old 07-06-2009, 12:56 PM
tigrrrlily tigrrrlily is offline
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thanks everyone - I probably just needed to let off steam and hear that i'm not mad for feeling hurt about this. Of course the basic fact of the matter is that someone i liked chose someone else over me and there's no getting around that that hurts, and i'm not wanting to try and convert him.

Still i wonder about how to negotiate the way monogamy, normalised as it is, is sometimes used as a way of side-stepping the real issues.

If he is monogamous then there really is nothing else to say therefore it is self explanantory. He wants one person who wants one person. That could be just the way it is.

All very well. But then one would expect him to have ended things with me before getting involved with someone else, or to have asked me if i was willing to consider monogamy and thus reached a mutual agreement about parting ways or not. (I have not been seeing anyone else during the the year we've been seeing each other, by the way, and he knews that.)

I know life is seldom so tidy but the reality of the matter is that he met someone who he likes more and who is more practical for him (we live on different continents) and he could have explained that and confronted it instead of dodging those feelings by hiding behind a word that explained very little.

Quite frankly i also think its dodgy to end a relationship from this stand-point because it produces a certain uni-lateralism - any pain he might have felt is lost in a fog of new love and any pain i feel is simply reduced to the unavoidable by-product of clearing the way for his new relationship. Anyway again the world is not tidy and i've not always understood how to be considerate to others, so i will find a way to forgive him.

But I suppose what i am looking for those few pithy words that would stand a chance of breaking down the wall that word 'monogamy' throws up so that at least we are able to deal with a concrete, specific situation. God forbid that i should ever need them again.
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Old 07-07-2009, 04:22 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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It seems that he either was not being honest with you or himself. There is not much you can do about that except to be more prepared for the next time (which you are doing).

I have heard of other poly people deal with stuff like this. Many tend to make real surethe person really is poly before investing a lot of emotions into the relationship. In your case, you may want to find someone closer to you so it seems more practical.
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Old 07-07-2009, 04:49 AM
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IMO Quath is right on the mark! When you are dealing with and expecting the openness a polyamorous relationship requires, each person really has to internalize what he or she is comfortable and healthy in.

It's easy to get caught up in the moment but if the foundation of caring is not there you can expect challenges to get the better of you. When two different natures meet the foundations had better be made of marble!

Unfortunately I think Quath is right in your boyfriend not being honest, probably due to a failure to put himself in the headspace required to analyse the relationship or simply thinking he would find something else all for himself later.

If people were completely upfront in what they needed more and more people would form the type of relationships they are truly seeking I think. There would certainly be a little less pain during the search.

Take care, hope you are doing "not good", but "great!"
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  #8  
Old 07-13-2009, 11:38 PM
tigrrrlily tigrrrlily is offline
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Quote:
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Many tend to make real surethe person really is poly before investing a lot of emotions into the relationship. In your case, you may want to find someone closer to you so it seems more practical.
See - sigh -i just can't bring myself to divide the world into Two Kinds of People. I'm not commited to poly as a principle. It works sometimes for some combinations of people and i cann;t start from that. I start from meeting someone and feeling that spark and hitting it off. From there people have to work out what works for those involved for as long as it works. In some circumstances i'd be mono. I like a person for what they are, not for whether they are x or y.

As for finding someone who lives closer, had i been able to conjure that person i would have already. One works with those real humans one meets rather than imaginary ones, with all our respective incompatabilities and unsutabilities. Had there been that closer person then maybe the monogomous guy wouldn't have made a move on me - but then i would never have learned what penis-size of humans compared to gorillas says about humanity's past. (See 'Why Human Penises Are Different from Other Primate Species, and How They May Have Gotten that Way'. http://www.associatedcontent.com/art...al.html?cat=53) And not knowing that would have been something to regret. For this and other joyous reasons i don't find it works to go about pre-interrogating and sorting potential lovers according to how they feel about multiple relationships, except if i'm involved with someone or if i know/suspect they're involved.
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  #9  
Old 07-28-2009, 04:21 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Ouch, that sucks!

My ex decided she wasn't comfortable with poly and broke things off. Since then, she's hooked up in a mono pair and had her heart broken. He apparently (from what she's said) doesn't love her in the fashion that she loves him, yet she's still with him. That sad situation is apparently more satisfying to her than being in a poly tangle where she was loved and supported.

I don't think it really has to do with whether or not they know it'll be painful for us or not. I think they're just driven by something to mono pairings, whether or not those pairings are as safe, supportive, and loving as a poly arrangement. They developed differently than we did and can only seem to relate in that one fashion.

Doesn't make it any less painful to understand that while going through a breakup, though. It still hurts like the dickens.

Last edited by AutumnalTone; 07-28-2009 at 04:23 AM.
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  #10  
Old 07-28-2009, 04:42 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by SeventhCrow View Post
That sad situation is apparently more satisfying to her than being in a poly tangle where she was loved and supported.

I think they're just driven by something to mono pairings, whether or not those pairings are as safe, supportive, and loving as a poly arrangement. They developed differently than we did and can only seem to relate in that one fashion.
Great points Seventh Crow!

As a mono person I can pretty much guarantee we develop differently. I doubt that the pairings your ex had were any more loving but they probably came with a sense of security whether artificial in her cases or not. It's just nice for a mono person to know or at least think they are enough for the person they love.

All of us have to admit that polyamory fills a void, completes ones ability to love or expands it. It's not all about "I have so much love to give" it's more about "I need more Love".

To a truly mono person, this hurts on a primal level. It can either be overcome by the degree of love in the relationship or it will be too much and they must go their separate ways to remain healthy.

I have always said I would almost never recommend a monogamous person get involved with a poly person and I stand by that. I have a wonderful relationship with Redpepper and yet I know I would not seek out or accept the love of another poly person if we were not together.


If you don't have the capacity to intimately love more than one person it is very hard to accept it in your partner.

Nothing can take away some pain such as a break up except for time, time and more time.
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