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  #11  
Old 12-14-2013, 06:35 AM
london london is offline
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It isn't going to work. I would be reluctantly explaining to her that we want different things and perhaps we should just be friends so she can find a monogamous relationship.
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  #12  
Old 12-18-2013, 09:41 PM
hellokitty hellokitty is offline
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Well things took an interesting and unexpected turn of events. For two days after the last convo I posted about, my gf and I kinda did our own things. I went out two nights in a row, solo, with no complaints from gf. It was amazing! Definitely refreshing independent time.

On the 2nd night she went out with some friends and we met up at home in the morning. I thanked her for giving me space and letting me hang out & do my thing and told her I was happy she was spending time with other people cuz I think it's important and I can tell it makes her happy. She then proceeded to tell me not only did she hang out but.. Ended up hooking up with someone. A guy.

=O! Two things she's never done before (hook up w someone without me - and be with a guy) so it came as quite the surprise. Caught me off guard for sure. Seems like she just wanted to try it out, after all we'd talked about with me being into guys and her having a hard time with it.

I asked if it helped it not seem so scary now that she knows what it's like to be with someone else w/o me around, and if she feels less in the dark after experiencing being with a man. She said yes it helped a bit but the whole time she just wanted to be with me, and that it's still frustrating knowing I want to be with other people. But that it's not okay for her to try and control me because it's not that big of a deal and she wants me to be able to do what I want with other people. She said it doesn't actually bother her as much anymore for me to be sexual with my boyfriend and she's sorry she made it out to be. That it had gone on for so long with me allowing things not to change that she didn't wanna bring it up so she's "sorry for being a jerk." In conclusion to THAT we obviously need to talk more.

As stressful as this whole thing was it really opened my eyes to how critically important it is to be as up front as possible! It's hard to do some times but is seriously so important. So I will continue working on that and remembering to check in.

I feel relieved, secure, confident and liberated now that she said she's open to me being with other people. I don't expect her to be overwhelmed with excitement about it and I'm sure we will hit bumps in the road but for now I feel like this is HUGE progress!!!
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  #13  
Old 12-18-2013, 10:09 PM
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That's awesome hellokitty; I hope things continue to go well.
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  #14  
Old 12-18-2013, 10:50 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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I wanted to throw in my perspective.

I feel like I'm cheating people by spreading myself too thin if I tried to go for 'unlimited' love, because time and space aren't limited.

I only have two or three hours a night to share. 7 lovers in a week would mean, at best, 2 hours each (assuming only a half hour travel each way) and no time to myself.

That would mean 8 to 10 hours a month. If you count sleep, then you get 40 to 50 hours a month. Approximately 3 days a month, approximately 1 month a year.

If you love someone for a lifetime (say 25 years), that's only 2 years of time per person.

Meaning in a 25 year span of time you have about 14 years of time to allocate. The rest would be spent working, cleaning, eating, cooking, etc.

You might be able to cheat if you have a poly household where 3 people spend 18 hours a week together, so each person gets combined 6 years instead together.

My perspective differs because as a parent half my time is already spent with kids. Those are two out of the three relationships I'm currently in, including my wife. If I am lucky I will be alive for another 35 years or so, but a good chunk of that time will be them off to college and making their own lives (and when I of course get some time back too).

If I were to pick up another lover right now it would be no more than a couple hours a week, 5 at most I think.

So you are already involved with two others; I don't know how you can have time to pick up another two. What I can imagine is that the 'rush' of love hormones gives you the energy and optimism to do it, at the expense of your own sleep likely, but that doesn't work forever. I'm approaching my late 30s and my ability to stay up past 11pm is almost nonexistent now.

That aside, I'm glad you and your GF worked it out some and wish you the best. My wife is trying to find others right now, too.
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  #15  
Old 12-19-2013, 06:03 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Yup. Up front honesty is just easier in the long term even when it feels hard to do in the short term.

Glad things are moving forward for both of you and you are opening up more to each other in your communication.

Galagirl
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  #16  
Old 12-19-2013, 07:21 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hellokitty View Post
In the sense that many times I feel I am putting in so much effort to make her feel special, beautiful, happy, and the next day she says "you didn't pay any attention to me last night" :P lots of confusion with that stuff. I don't think I am spacey because people always tell me I'm considerate and caring. I think she might just need *more* which I will try to be more aware & figure out how to give it to her, but also I think her spending time becoming more independent will help her confidence.
I hear you saying you want to enrich her life by helping her get her need for love and connection met, and you feel disappointed because you don't believe you're meeting that need, even when you put so much time and effort into it.

It's important to pay attention to your own needs when you're trying to meet her needs. You can only give so much before it starts to take away from your own well-being.

Like you, I value my alone time immensely. Auto really likes to spend a lot of time with her partners, to connect often and deeply. Like you, I feel overwhelmed when my need for solitude does not get met. Early in our relationship, it became clear that these two approaches to relationships were not compatible. One of us was going to have to give. I'm the kind of person who always makes sure that meeting someone else's needs doesn't come at the expense of my own needs. Also, because she was married, it was possible for her to get her need for "constant love and connection" met by another person, whereas the only way to meet my need for solitude was to be alone.

Even if your partner is mono, she can still get her need for love and connection met outside your relationship. The human need for love does not have to be entirely filled by romantic love, and the need for connection can be met by virtually anyone, if we only take the time to reach out. In other words, it's nice when you can help fulfill her needs. Enriching life is one of the greatest satisfactions humans can obtain. But that doesn't make it your duty or responsibility to meet her needs; that responsibility is her own. If she finds that you are not capable of meeting it fully without sacrificing your own needs, then it's her task to find other ways to get her needs met.
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  #17  
Old 12-24-2013, 03:03 AM
hellokitty hellokitty is offline
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Lots of good points above.

Been doing lots of thinking, talking, trying to understand... Spending time apart and together. Really mainly focusing on quality time. That has been good.

We hadn't gone back into the convo of "rules" or boundaries because in my mind the way she said things meant she didn't like the desires I have but was opening herself up to accept them. I didn't want to push things and be too in her face about it. My mistake again. It's hard for me to get so detailed about things because I don't want to hurt anyone or make things uncomfortable or maybe I'm also afraid of hearing things I don't want to.

Truly, truly trying harder every day to be more *honest.* I know how important it is. Trying to find that sweet spot between complete honesty and gentleness/caring. Making my way through, trying to figure it out... Makes me think of another thing my therapist has said to me that I struggle w the concept of caring vs care taking. It's hard for me to separate what's "right" to do and what I am holding back on or sacrifices I make to protect my loved ones, that in actuality might not be the best thing for any of us.

Again it's shoved in my face how crucial honesty and communication is. I was under the impression our boundaries were freed up after she slept with someone else and the way she came to me and explained things last week. I hung out with a guy I like this weekend, just as friends. She came home later with another friend and we all hung out. She could sense the attraction and energy between him and I and got upset.

She pulled me aside and asked what was going on, did we do anything, etc. This is the same guy she was upset about a month or so ago because I kissed him. Our agreement at that time was kissing and touching is allowed with other people, so I went for it. When I told her about it the next day she was mad because I didn't discuss it with her first. Even though that wasn't something she had originally told me she needed. Frustrating. So that's when it changed to "no making out with guys."

So back to this weekend. Nothing went on between him & I, but we both wanted to. When she confronted me she said "didn't you tell him I'm not okay with that?" I told her I did but I was under the impression things had changed.. She said no... That all she meant is she is accepting me being with my boyfriend, but not other guys. I tried to ask why that is and she just said she isn't comfortable with it, but she's working on it.

I think she is trying to be fair, but it's hard for me to trust that after the whole back and forth we went through with me having sex with my boyfriend. It's hard for me to know what "I'm working on it" means, or what kind of expectations I should have for that. I know I need to be asking HER these things, but I'm the kind of person that really needs to have all my thoughts laid out first before saying anything. Also I have no idea wtf I'm doing so some clarity or validation would be nice.

I'm scared too, because.. I have been building a friendship with this guy and there is an obvious very strong attraction between us. I'm trying to keep my distance emotionally as much as I can as to not cross any lines.. but then sometimes I say why?? Like what I was saying before, I deeply desire fully experiencing my connections with people, and we obviously have a connection. I don't know... It freaks me out. I never thought I'd really be interested in anyone else very much just because I am kept pretty busy with two relationships and my life and never thought I'd have the time to even think about another person like that.

But I feel like my heart and my mind have opened up a lot lately. Idk how to put my finger on it or describe it but I feel a huge shift and change inside me. This is the happiest, calmest, clearest and most confident I've ever been in my life. I don't want to fuck anything up or jump the gun on this positivity, but I can't help but think if things seem so great and the people I've been surrounding myself with have been bringing me so much happiness.. I can't be too far off track. As long as I'm being honest and thinking things through???? This is so confusing.
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  #18  
Old 12-24-2013, 08:37 PM
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Okay, correct me if I'm wrong, but this is the situation as it now stands, as I understand it:
  • You and your boyfriend are allowed to have sex.
  • You and the other guy you're interested in are allowed to kiss as long as your girlfriend clears it first.
  • You're allowed to see additional guys? must clear any other new guys through girlfriend first? I'm unclear on this last point.
If any of the above points is unclear on your end, then I would sit down with your girlfriend and get the straight dope. I would also ask her to clarify what she means specifically when she says she's working on it. I'd even ask how long she needs to work on it before you can expect to have one or more of the rules loosened.

You may even have to decide what kind of timeframe you can stand, such as how long can you wait before you get better clarity from your girlfriend, and how long can you wait before she loosens one or more of the rules. If you do decide upon certain cutoff dates, you should probably notify your girlfriend about that. Arriving at a cutoff date with no real progress made means you'd probably need to reassess your relationship with your girlfriend.

I don't think it's fair for you to have to operate under all these rules, but I also recognize that your girlfriend may not be emotionally up to the task of allowing you the type of freedom that you need. This is the type of thing you'd have to reassess. Are the two of you compatible going forward?

Sympathetic regards,
Kevin T.
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  #19  
Old 12-24-2013, 09:42 PM
hellokitty hellokitty is offline
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Situation now is:

*Gf accepts me having sex with my bf.
*Gf says no interactions with other guys without her being involved. No kissing or having anything go on with this other guy at all.

Seems kinda like she did a trade off like "well if you can have sex with your bf then you can't do anything w any other guys." She didn't say it in those words but I feel she thinks I should compromise because she's "allowing" me to sleep w my bf. I don't think it should have ever been a question whether I'd have full control over my sex life w my bf. Totally regret ever giving in to that when it went down but she pretty much gave me an ultimatum. I thought we could work past it, and it looks like we did, but god damn it took a long time. I don't really think I can last another whole year being held back. It's only been a month and a half since I first kissed the other guy when she said "no more" but it feels like it's been forever, lol.

Especially because I went through this w my bf last year (which is why its soooo frustrating doing this all over again.) Telling him I wanted to be sure I wasn't dragging him along with something he didn't want to be in and I wanted to be up front and honest about what I was able to give him. That it's a need for me to have a more open relationship and be able to have intimate moments with other men. My gf was by my side through all of this, supporting me, saying he should let me be who I am. Now it makes me question if maybe she was only so supportive bc it benefited her (we liked the same "other" guy at the time.)

I don't know. I love her. Besides all the poly stuff, we get along fantastically. There are just a lot of traits with her way of loving and holding onto a relationship that make me want to RUN! I don't want to run, because all I *truly* want to do is love. She makes me happy. And she says that's what she wants - for me to be happy and us be happy together. I still fear we will never push past a just "acceptance" with an underlying level of resentment..which I can't handle. She asked me to give her more credit and confidence that she's working towards giving me what I want, and I'm trying. I'm just scared. I guess I just maybe need more details.

It's hard for me to know what's okay, reasonable, fair to ask for. I know I can be impatient when I want something so I'm just trying to get some clarity and find a balance. I want everything to be perfect and everyone to feel safe & content.
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  #20  
Old 12-24-2013, 10:30 PM
bookbug bookbug is online now
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It sounds to me, that minus the ultimatum, it's the same situation you went through with your bf all over again.

I mean she knew you were poly from the beginning right? I understand that sometimes logical knowledge is different than being confronted with it emotionally. Still, she fell in love with you - who you are - and yet she is not permitting you to be who you are. It's like loving a musician and never allowing him to play for anyone but you, or loving a painter and permitting her show her work only to you. Hoarding something or someone does not make it more precious.
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