Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #61  
Old 12-06-2013, 02:25 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 456
Default

This reminds me of a thread that came up recently, about texting when one is running late.
Prof sent me "i'm on my way" at 8:12 and walked through the door at 9. It is a 10 minute drive.
I had already told him that I can't do late nights mid-week and i f he wants 2 episodes of something he needs to be here at 8:30, cause we always talk a bit, watch a bit of tv and have sex, plus I was kind of making dinner, a reheat plus fresh salad and garlic bread. While I wasn't really angry, I was a bit bit miffed and had started the bedtime shut down routine. So we talked about it again. Sounds really petty when I write it down, especially as I cancelled the night out due to flaky ex.
I did tell him that I appreciate his understanding over the singleish mummy inflexibility. He said it works right now as he has much going on at work and me going to sleep early means he gets to go home and work.
We had some nice sex, if a bit quick, and he stayed in bed cuddling until I fell asleep then let himself out. It was very comforting and nice to have him there and I told him so. Baby steps.
Much as I whinge, I am glad to have them both in my life they are fundamentally good men.
__________________
Me: 40s female
Prof: 50s male.
Reply With Quote
  #62  
Old 12-06-2013, 04:41 PM
Nox Nox is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 220
Default

I totally understand the time thing. Time is -by far- my most precious commodity. I don't care if you're going to be late, but LET ME KNOW so I can put that time to more productive use.

It's really, really aggravating.
__________________
Me: 41 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 19 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 4 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
Ironically named Farmgirl - local interest
Reply With Quote
  #63  
Old 12-07-2013, 01:44 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 456
Default

Thanks Evad, Nice to know there are more of us out there!
If he was coming from a greater distance it would be more understandable, but it is really very close. It was one of those times when your expecting someone any second, so cant relax or get started into something else, as you said.
Hopefully the message got through this time, it is not the first.
Kip is like me, to the minute or texts if he is going to be even 10 minutes late, not because I make him, but because that is the way he is too. He is amazingly punctual even if travelling from much further away, he lives about 30 minutes away but is often coming from work meetings, well over an hour drive.That's a funny, to measure distance by time. Not 27 miles but 30 minutes.
The one time Kip and Prof met, Prof was 45 minutes late, no text. Kip is still peeved about it.
I was re-reading the "John Cleese" accredited letter of sate of alerts, I think it is a hoot, peeved, slightly miffed, cancel the barbie!
Slightly miffed is a fabulous expression. Not angry, or even annoyed. just miffed.
__________________
Me: 40s female
Prof: 50s male.
Reply With Quote
  #64  
Old 12-08-2013, 02:13 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 456
Default

Thinking about the holidays and how nice it is not to have to worry about ex getting falling down drunk at the in-laws.
The last 2 Xmases we were together were pretty miserable my main recollections are him being so drunk Xmas eve, he couldn't help me put one of the kids bikes together and so drunk Xmas day he couldn't eat dinner.
The last 2 with me and the kids have been great, we do our pressie unwrapping, skype the family and go meet some friends.

As Xmas day falls on a Weds, I wonder if Prof will cancel, or come back in the evening, or skip the week. I am interested to see. I don't think the ex will take the kids for his share of the vacation, so I will be at home with them. Good for Prof if he has something more interesting to do! I can't offer much more than tv and sex

I have time off over the holidays, so hopefully can get in some extra time. Maybe do some stuff with the kids. They like him and he is good with them. His kids are all grown up.

Kip is back from his trip (2 weeks with the in-laws) before I go back to work, so hopefully get in some extra time with him. Tennis, hahaha.

No pressure to make a fancy dinner, I fancy toad-in-the hole with veggies and a ton of cake.

Solo poly totally rocks
__________________
Me: 40s female
Prof: 50s male.
Reply With Quote
  #65  
Old 12-10-2013, 02:51 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 456
Default

IM confusion.
Kip is coming across as not very ok with me seeing Prof, but apparently he is not jealous.
We talked a bit by phone too.
The whole IM chat was so weird and insecure sounding that I picked up the phone to get some clarity, but he was driving and it was hard to talk. He was asking about BDSM play, the amount of time that I saw Prof etc. He loves chatting about dates and the online dating but has pretty much been DADT about Prof for ages. We are planning another 3 way for New Year too, maybe that is what kicked this all off.
He says he is not jealous and does not get jealous. Now, I could be projecting, but I am in a good mood, feeling up, so not sure how I could be reading too much into it.
I said that I was not looking to replace him, the sex with him was not lacking in any way, dating Prof is better than dating monos who would most likely not be OK with me seeing a married man, open relationship or not.
I am wondering if it is his trip away.
Anyway, I am seeing him tomorrow, so maybe he will bring it up in person.
Should I bring it up? Is this a communication moment? My inclination is not too.

Prof might be popping round tonight, funny text , said he would like to watch an episode on tv, but too tired to play.
I have been forewarned, there is no sex on the schedule

Kip is asking about sex that isn't going to happen !
__________________
Me: 40s female
Prof: 50s male.
Reply With Quote
  #66  
Old 12-12-2013, 02:01 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 456
Default

Epic communication failure, I deserve a medal for this one. This happened last week.
Kip has been under the impression that I have not been sleeping with Prof since the 3way in August or whenever it was.
I have looked back over messages and things and see where it went wrong. Kip's DADT was don't ask cause you are not sleeping with him and don't tell cause there is nothing to tell.
How it has gone on this long is a total mystery. We have been trying to set up a couple swing and another 3way with Prof and one his occasional FBS.
He knows I see Prof, asks about him etc, knows he comes round here, the couple of times he did ask if we had sex, I honestly answered no, cause we hadn't. And was not giving any extra information about when we did have sex due to the DADT.
Let's just say I was stunned when Kip asked if I was looking forward to having sex with Prof since it has been such a long time. I said I wanted to continue a sexual relationship with Prof and Kip said that was fine by him. Would have been interesting conversation if he had said no.
So this explains all the kind of insecure questions, as Kip thinks Prof and I are restarting a sexual relationship. eek.
Wow. Just wow.
So first restart date tonight with Prof.
__________________
Me: 40s female
Prof: 50s male.
Reply With Quote
  #67  
Old 12-13-2013, 11:20 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 456
Default

Lies, lies, lies

I saw Kip yesterday morning. He dropped his phone on the street outside my place and someone called his wife and took it and dropped it off at the library.
Long story short, screen was broken, Kip said he didn't want it and I could pick it up and let the kids use it for angry birds.
I bring it home, turn it on and up pops his OKC page.
Next the yahoo mail page.
He has been a busy busy boy.
We have discussed this many many times. He is not meeting people, he is not hooking up, he does not have an OCK or POF profile.( single ) I was the one who actually suggested OKC to him a while ago. He did not like me seeing Yo or Prof because they had multiple partners, STD risk is too high. Prof was OKed again as he has shut down outside dating due to S.
There were hotel receipts, lucky ladies, no laundry! Addresses, meeting times and places, thank you for the great fuck messages.
Wow. So many lies over so much time. Dude should delete his mail more regularly and password protect his phone. Idiot.
So now what? What is my problem with this?
No problem with the web cam chats, pic exchanges and meets. No problem with having other sex partners. Big problem with the hypocrisy over multiple sex partners, big problem with the lies.
He had another big share yesterday, including no other sex partners but me and the wife since he met me. So the lie was as recent as yesterday.
We have been fluid bonded for nearly a year.
Options as I see them at this point.
Pretend I never read the mail carry on as if I know nothing.
Ask him about it directly.
Ask him about him indirectly.
Re-institute condoms without saying why.
Re-institute condoms with discussion.
Ignore him.

He wants to be "kept in the loop" about my dating but doing all this behind my back? I really don't understand the need to lie. I just don't. Wanted to know about my date and sex with Prof on Wednesday. He had a nice fuck last week, why not share those details?

Please feel free to comment if you have any thoughts. I was contemplating putting this on the boards but stuck it here instead.
__________________
Me: 40s female
Prof: 50s male.
Reply With Quote
  #68  
Old 12-14-2013, 05:15 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,444
Default

Don't you dare even think about pretending it didn't happen!

UGH!!! Fluid bonded and this is how he conducts his sex life? Yeah, maybe he used protection and tried to keep things as safe as possible with them, but if he's been that dishonest and lacking integrity all this time, I doubt it!

Honey, get tested right away. Of course, you need to abstain from risky sex for a while until you get the results. But if I were you, I'd end it completely. He has utterly disrespected you!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlantis View Post
Lies, lies, lies . . .

He wants to be "kept in the loop" about my dating but doing all this behind my back? I really don't understand the need to lie. I just don't. Wanted to know about my date and sex with Prof on Wednesday. He had a nice fuck last week, why not share those details?
And that is exactly what I would say to break it off, if I were you:
You want to be "kept in the loop" about my dating and sex life, but yet you were sure going at it with other women behind my back! Just me and your wife since we met, huh? I really don't understand the need to lie. I just don't. You wanted to know about my date and sex with Prof on Wednesday. Well, you had a nice fuck last week, why not share those details with me? On second thought, never mind - I don't want to know, because it's over and I am done with you. Do NOT contact me ever again.
Well, I don't actually want to put words in your mouth, but you wrote it so succinctly, that's all I would say. The fucking lying bastard. You don't deserve that treatment.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #69  
Old 12-14-2013, 04:10 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 456
Default

Thanks NYC.
I am not sure how to approach the actual break-up. Part of me wants to meet in person, one part just drop all communication and disappear, one part continue but emotionally disconnect. The professional side of me wants to sit down and discuss the need for lying, the me side of me wants to avoid the tough questions.
I am not terribly upset or broken hearted, but shocked and surprised more than anything.
I want to ask why he tells me all sorts of other things but couldn't tell me about dating? Even say he is dating but doesn't want to discuss it. I would be fine with that and more to the point he knows I would be fine with that, so why the need to deceive? It makes no sense, we are setting up a swing for the New Year, where does he get the idea that I am not ok with him dating?

I will have to tell Prof and go back to using condoms until I can get tested. That is the part I am least looking forward too. I have inadvertently put him and S at risk. An STD health issue is the last thing S needs. She was in hospital over the weekend.
I would like to say I am fairly sure he used condoms, he did with me in the beginning, some of the emails contained info about condoms and "blood work".

Ironic...Prof and I were discussing relationships on Weds and what being in a relationship means. Prof considers him and I to be in a relationship and questioned if I considered myself to be in a relationship with Kip. I said "of course", Kip has been there for me during some tough times recently and is a great support. Which is true, just need to add the fact that he is lying and cheating too.

I haven't had any contact with him since the messages about the phone, which completely died, so no more snooping for me.

Don't know how to handle it just yet. We are supposed to meet on Tuesday. I need more time.
__________________
Me: 40s female
Prof: 50s male.

Last edited by Atlantis; 12-14-2013 at 04:30 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #70  
Old 12-15-2013, 02:44 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Boston area
Posts: 201
Default

Oh, how horrible for you! I am so sorry.

I agree with NYC that pretending this didn't happen isn't an option. Even if you wanted to, it seems almost impossible to do, but I don't see any reason to anyway. And making unexplained changes seems like perpetuating the lack of communication, so also has no appeal to me.

I think your post expressed your feelings very well. You could even consider sending him a copy of it. Discussion could follow or not, depending upon how your feelings are progresssing - e.g., whether you hope he will explain or whether what he says might make any difference to you.

You could also tell him that you need more time, if you're not ready to deal with it on Tues.

When I thought I was going through a breakup last summer, I had a friend coach me on the discussion ahead of time; it was incredibly useful. I told her the questions I was thinking of asking, and she helped me to figure out what I actually wanted to know, and ways of asking questions that were likely to be answered honestly, instead of prompting answers that were simply aimed at sparing my feelings. The revised questions tended to sound more curious and caring; basically they were more about understanding my bf than about the aspects of the relationship that had hurt me. (My first questions tended to have an undercurrent of looking for reassurance that I hadn't recognized.) The process with my friend really shifted how I felt going into the conversation with my bf.

Of course, the situtations underlying the two breakups are very different, and you may not feel inclined to be caring right now or to have a discussion at all. But perhaps a practice discussion, or bouncing your questions off the board here, might be useful.

You sound like you're holding up pretty well, all things considered. Glad to hear that.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:36 AM.