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  #41  
Old 12-12-2013, 03:42 PM
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Sure, we all have boundaries. One boundary might be that all partners have to get on. However, expressing your boundaries isn't giving a veto. [...]

Healthy relationships don't need anyone to make a rule saying I'll listen to your concerns, I'll maintain my parental and spousal obligations or I wont date a serial killer.
And I agree with that, which is why I went down my rambling path of "well, we have a veto, kinda-sorta, but this is what I think it really means." It's leading me to think more about that term in particular, and if it really means that we're going to talk about what makes us uncomfortable, rather than lay down the law and say that's it - my way or the highway - then maybe we should call it what it really is instead. Or stop calling it what it's not.

I simply cannot see P telling either me or M1 that he's throwing the veto card and that's that. And I cannot see myself doing that either. Not sure what M1 wants, but I am confident that she couldn't toss the veto card down on me without a LOT of discussion. Not sure what she expects to be able to do WRT new relationships on P's end, though.

It's worth a discussion on "what veto means to me" and see if we're all on the same page.

Again, it's like any terminology - it's good to make sure we all mean the same thing when we use a word. Too many times, we THINK we know what each other means, and we only know what WE mean.

Knowutimean?
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Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #42  
Old 12-13-2013, 03:25 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
See, I think the whole NRE excuse is pure bullshit. Yeah, I know what it's like to be totally enamored of someone, but crying "it's NRE!" as a way to excuse behavior makes me question someone's maturity and intelligence. Just because a person is turned on by someone they just met and is allowing themselves to walk around in a cloud of euphoria doesn't mean they are automatically absolved of all responsibilities in other areas of their life. I just never understand the emphasis many polyfolk seem to place on NRE, NRE, NRE.
Dittos.. many many times ditto..

We are adults. Our hormonal making shit decisions stage is long past us. NRE is a lame excuse to make bad decisions. Usually the people I see claiming NRE affected them the most, also have the poorest relationship skills.

My grouping and I discuss veto as a high level topic. Most of us disagree on its meaning. My wife and I agree on what it means, because we have had it happen.

Its a vote off the island, you are eliminated destroyer of relationships outside of your control. Usually a metamour coming in with excalibur and lopping off the head.

Yes you can veto individual things, processes, relationship structures, but in the end, those are boundaries, maybe even negotiable. A Veto is a destroyer of all things good. No more contact, no more love, you are D listed.
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  #43  
Old 12-13-2013, 03:52 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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Yes you can veto individual things, processes, relationship structures, but in the end, those are boundaries, maybe even negotiable. A Veto is a destroyer of all things good. No more contact, no more love, you are D listed.

This didn't make total sense to me, Ariakas. I have both vetoed once, and been vetoed. In the case where I was doing the vetoing, I made it clear to my partner that I would not be OK with him proceeding with a sexual relationship with his potential love interest and friend, because of some safety issues that were specific to this particular woman. I was fine with them remaining platonic friends and continuing to spend time together. The other woman didn't want that though.

I was vetoed by a jealous metamour too as a romantic/sexual partner, but she did not interfere with us (that I know of, anyway) continuing to be in touch and spending occasional time together, platonically, for almost a year after the veto.

Were these not veto situations? I thought they were.
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  #44  
Old 12-13-2013, 04:00 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scarletzinnia View Post

Were these not veto situations? I thought they were.
In my head no, you got cut off from a romantic relationship. Again its a phrase, everyone has different opinions on veto. For me, that is not veto. You are fortunate you were allowed to remain friends.

As "friends" you always have that connection or chance.. .. there is no real hard line beyond a verbal cue
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  #45  
Old 12-13-2013, 04:14 PM
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...thus the need to clarify what "veto" means to everyone involved.

I think, when I bring this up as a discussion topic with myself, P, and M1 the next time we get together, I might suggest that THEY make sure they explain what it means to them when approaching any new relationship. Obviously, stating "we have a veto" isn't nearly as cut-and-dry as anyone thinks it is. Seems unfair to not have that spelled out right from the beginning.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #46  
Old 12-13-2013, 05:08 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is online now
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N will not gave sex with people who would put us at risk. When my friend who he's had sex with in the past got herpes (they hadn't been together in several months and she knew.the source of her exposure) she was really upset about it. I don't think ahe wanted to be with him, but it was the principle of.the matter as she had found that most guys found that to be a.deal breaker.

N fooled around with another friend of ours, she's kind of angsty and I know that she wants more than what he could emotionally provide her. I feel for her and don't want her feeling like she's being used for sex. I told him I didn't think having sex with her would be a good idea but ultimately its up to him. Shes very emotionally fragile esp with her one partner now being a long haul trucker, the other one moving soon and more just sexual and a husband who is pretty much just a roommate.
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