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  #31  
Old 09-12-2013, 10:57 PM
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sdguitarguy sdguitarguy is offline
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Personally, when my SO & I first did overnights, we scheduled them so that we both had overnights the first few times. I feel it was a great way to transition. All parties knew the situation. Perhaps we were lucky that we had that opportunity. It definitely allowed us to more gently ease into individual overnights rather than jumping into the deep end where one of us is alone all night.
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Me: 55 straight male in a W
- Primary: C - poly female - together since 2009
-- Her BF A: poly male

- My GF: K - poly female, sub
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  #32  
Old 09-13-2013, 11:29 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Not everyones SO has another partner. I would never have gotten to have an overnight or long weekend with Murf because my husband is mono. That also would not be fair to Murf to have to always have to regulate his wants and needs by Butch's comfort level. He is not dating Butch.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #33  
Old 09-13-2013, 01:13 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sdguitarguy View Post
Personally, when my SO & I first did overnights, we scheduled them so that we both had overnights the first few times. I feel it was a great way to transition. All parties knew the situation. Perhaps we were lucky that we had that opportunity. It definitely allowed us to more gently ease into individual overnights rather than jumping into the deep end where one of us is alone all night.
That is a nice practice, but a lot of people cant. J and I have little kids, so someone has to be home with them. We did have one night were J stayed at a party with some friends and Nudge came and stayed with me at home with my kids, maybe J was more comfortable this night but it wasnt the status quo
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  #34  
Old 09-13-2013, 05:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Am I wrong in wanting her to stay home with me and not stay at his place ?
Is it a preference a soft or hard limit?

If this could change over time -- it is a soft limit then. WHAT needs to happen for the limit to relax?

Or if it is a HARD LIMIT that will never change in time for you? Make that known. Then wait for her response.


Quote:
is there a way to help deal with my jealousy on this issue ?
Which type jealousy are you having? Could see page 5. Could ask her to do page 6. Maybe also look at this jealousy.

Could also talk about polyhell stuff if you are feeling those.


Quote:
I cant concentrate and on anything but her being gone.
Since other people already suggested keeping busy... I'm going to suggest something else just to give you another option.

Sit with it. Be ok feeling "missing her" type emotions and that fact that it isn't one of the "fun" feelings to feel. Don't rush to stop feeling those things. Just sit with it and examine what they are trying to bring to the surface into your awareness.

Yes. She is gone. Yes. You will miss her.

Yes, ask for what you might need in terms of a check in call or goodnight call or whatever to help. Being punctual about what time she says she will return for instance.

But ultimately? There's is nothing WRONG with missing her and it is appropriate feeling to have when your spouse is gone for a bit. To miss her. Be weird if you DIDN'T miss her one iota.

Instead of fighting how you feel about it, trying to avoid feeling how you feel about it... just sit with it for a time and jsut feel whatever it is you feel. How willing are you to just let it BE FELT?

It's not one of the yummy feelings to feel. But it's part of the price of admission -- when you practice polyshipping, you partner shares their time with other people. Could spend time sitting with it and examining it.

"I miss my partner when she's gone. I don't like this because then I _________. "

(What would you answer? And each time keep tacking on "I don't like this because then I _________. " until you cannot possibly dig down further.)

What turns up as the final sentence? Maybe that exercise could give you some clues.

In the meanwhile... when she gets home ask her to do the aftercare you need for comfort or reassurance. Maybe ask her...
"Please tell me you if had a nice time. Please tell me you appreciate that this was hard for me, but also appreciate that I did it anyway. Please tell me you love me."
See if you feel better while you are still digesting this new thing.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-13-2013 at 05:39 PM.
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  #35  
Old 09-15-2013, 05:54 PM
Dianthus Dianthus is offline
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One thing that has helped us is to normalize the whole thing. LOTS of couples spend time apart for various family, work or friendship reasons. Maybe your partner isn't doing the same things while she's away, but the 'away' part is perfectly normal for a lot of families.

It's been helpful for both me and Mr. D to reach out to our friends when we're home alone (with or without the kids). I HATE being in the house alone -- I swear, it doubles in size without the family here, and suddenly I feel like I'm in a gothic mansion instead of a suburban split level. So the last time he traveled and the kids were gone I crashed a friend's boy's night at the movies, and went to the beach with some girlfriends the next day and stayed over at a friends house after drinking too much wine and eating too many brownies. None of them knew that he was on a date, but it didn't really matter. They did know that I HATED being in the house alone and were more than happy to provide distractions. Mr. D does the same thing when he's single-parenting. It doesn't matter whether I'm on a date or on a work trip, he still sets up supports for himself and makes plans to enjoy the time he has.

If your problem is the relationship it's self, I'd have to place myself firmly in the "suck it up" camp -- it's something it behooves you to learn to get over. But then, most of my relationships are long-distance and overnights are the only way we can have relationships at all. Do I occasionally take the not-quite-indicated-by-my-allergies dose of Benedryl when I'm in that big bed alone and awake thinking about how much fun he's having? You betcha. But then I work through those feelings in the morning because that's *my own* problem and not his, and I am ultimately the person who has to deal with it.
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  #36  
Old 09-20-2013, 07:09 AM
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Spokanepoly Spokanepoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Is it a preference a soft or hard limit?

If this could change over time -- it is a soft limit then. WHAT needs to happen for the limit to relax?

Or if it is a HARD LIMIT that will never change in time for you? Make that known. Then wait for her response.




Which type jealousy are you having? Could see page 5. Could ask her to do page 6. Maybe also look at this jealousy.

Could also talk about polyhell stuff if you are feeling those.




Since other people already suggested keeping busy... I'm going to suggest something else just to give you another option.

Sit with it. Be ok feeling "missing her" type emotions and that fact that it isn't one of the "fun" feelings to feel. Don't rush to stop feeling those things. Just sit with it and examine what they are trying to bring to the surface into your awareness.

Yes. She is gone. Yes. You will miss her.

Yes, ask for what you might need in terms of a check in call or goodnight call or whatever to help. Being punctual about what time she says she will return for instance.

But ultimately? There's is nothing WRONG with missing her and it is appropriate feeling to have when your spouse is gone for a bit. To miss her. Be weird if you DIDN'T miss her one iota.

Instead of fighting how you feel about it, trying to avoid feeling how you feel about it... just sit with it for a time and jsut feel whatever it is you feel. How willing are you to just let it BE FELT?

It's not one of the yummy feelings to feel. But it's part of the price of admission -- when you practice polyshipping, you partner shares their time with other people. Could spend time sitting with it and examining it.

"I miss my partner when she's gone. I don't like this because then I _________. "

(What would you answer? And each time keep tacking on "I don't like this because then I _________. " until you cannot possibly dig down further.)

What turns up as the final sentence? Maybe that exercise could give you some clues.

In the meanwhile... when she gets home ask her to do the aftercare you need for comfort or reassurance. Maybe ask her...
"Please tell me you if had a nice time. Please tell me you appreciate that this was hard for me, but also appreciate that I did it anyway. Please tell me you love me."
See if you feel better while you are still digesting this new thing.

Galagirl
Awesome response , very helpful and thanks very much for your time on this subject
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  #37  
Old 12-11-2013, 07:47 PM
Labs07 Labs07 is offline
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What are you afraid of loosing? I fought with this same issue and had trial by fire when my wife left the country to travel with a guy for two weeks. I figured out that I was jealous because I was fearful of loosing her to this guy.
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