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  #11  
Old 12-11-2013, 04:34 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Sorry Mintcar no one deserves to be treated like this.

I think my bags would be packed and I would be out of there.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #12  
Old 12-11-2013, 04:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
If you choose that route, make sure you reiterate your safer sex agreements so there can be no more betrayal, intentional or otherwise.
I'm not saying these people may not be deserving of a second chance, but I don't see how reiterating agreements can ensure there "can be no more" intentional betrayal. Seems like the agreement was clear already, and that intentional betrayal was an option for them nonetheless. So, if they're willing to secretly have sex with other people against their agreements, whatever the reason, what's to say they wouldn't be willing to secretly have unprotected sex with other people against any future agreements?

What will *actually* stop betrayal from being an option in the future, since clarity obviously wasn't enough? That's what I'd need to know in order to move forward if I were in the OP's position -- are you, my partner(s) truly sorry for deceiving me, can you convince me of that, can you do something to show it (ex. abstain from extramarital sex while we work through this), and can you explain what will be different this time and why?
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  #13  
Old 12-11-2013, 05:04 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
I'm not saying these people may not be deserving of a second chance, but I don't see how reiterating agreements can ensure there "can be no more" intentional betrayal.
Maybe if they feel that their need for swinging is understood by the OP, of course acknowledging their betrayal first, they can work towards an arrangement where they are honest and respect boundaries. Especially if they felt they were unable to approach the OP about this due to her rigid views. It doesn't mean they were right to betray her, just that they may find it easier to be honest. That might make all the difference.

Last edited by london; 12-11-2013 at 05:07 PM.
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  #14  
Old 12-11-2013, 05:20 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Yeah, I certainly think that's possible. But, in contrast, if it's a relatively brief conversation consisting of "Soooo, yeah, this happened, sorry, we're going out again this Friday, you wanna come? No? Ok, your loss, we promise to wear condoms from now on, let's all pretend this isn't happening!" (the "I don't want to know about it" route the OP suggests above)... I don't see any reason to expect them to stick to *anything*, and would advise the OP to either demand a more thorough process or to walk away.
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  #15  
Old 12-11-2013, 05:55 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Mintcar, you have given your partners more than a few second chances. I remember your old threads from a while back. They constantly went back on their word to you. This has been an ongoing issue for quite a long time. You discuss, they reassure you, agree to certain boundaries, break them in secret, and then act like they can't help it when you find out. This is not maturity nor respectful to you at all.

The following quotes are from the summer of 2012 - and it doesn't look like much has changed:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mintcar View Post
Every weekend they have friends over and get wasted. The kids even fetch their shots. It makes me feel so sad. I don't join them so that there will be a sober adult there and a driver in case there is an emergency. As a result I spend my weekends watching the kids and feel isolated from them and any guests that may come over. I spend a lot of time alone. Also, as a side note, if I were to leave I know that they would return HEAVY into the swinging lifestyle and spend most weekends partying while the kids were at grandmas . . . I don't believe in meaningless sex, not that I am condemning people who do, I just don't want it in my life. I know he resents me because I don't allow him to swing. Hell, they are probably doing it anyway behind my back. I've caught then cheating on me in the past.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mintcar View Post
. . . He did state, however, that he no longer could see being with me forever, and that I make him unhappy most of the time, and that the only reason he still had me there was because he felt sorry for me . . . I also told him that he was a liar because when he begged for me to move in he swore up and down that his wife and I would be equals, that id be treated like a princess, etc., and it was all lies . . . this is the man I thought was my soulmate. He used to say he loved me the most and was my best friend, and that I was the most beautiful thing in the world. Lately I just feel like a concubine. When this all went down he even went as far as to say that the only reason he kept me around anymore was because I was his sex kitten and a stellar lay, and far more adventurous than his wife . . . should I stay or should I go?
In that thread, you also said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mintcar View Post
I have bipolar and borderline personality disorder and these things happen from time to time. Yes, I am seeinng a psychiatrist for these problems and my man and his wife know all about it.
Are you still getting treatment and taking care of yourself in that regard?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mintcar View Post
The other hard thing is, I hate to admit it, but I'm scared. After 5 years I've put a lot of time and money in this relationship, and as I am not legally married to him, I have no legal recourse to get compensation if we break up. I am currently on unemployment as I was laid off as a foodstamps and medicaid processor, and if I left I would not have enough money to support myself. My family is crazy and broke too, so I would be homeless. I've been homeless for brief periods before and I am absoluetly petrified of having to do it again. I feel so damned weak.
Has your financial situation improved? Do you have a job now? Is there anyone else you can stay with?

I know you love them, but love is not enough to make a relationship work and be satisfying, nor for you to be happy. They keep dumping on you and treating you as unimportant. An afterthought. And now you are considering letting them get away with whatever they want and just not know about it? How much more are you going to let them walk all over you before you realize they are treating you with absolutely no respect?

Run like hell. You deserve better. And... get tested.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 12-11-2013 at 06:12 PM.
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