Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 12-11-2013, 07:36 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

I agree completely. However, one time, I started talking to this new to poly married guy. He played pool or something once or twice a week but was prepared to sacrifice that and use that time to date. Unfortunately, his wife said that it makes him a bad dad. Taking time off parenting for pool is fine, but taking time off to date is reprehensible. She was apparently cool with the poly thing despite this. He just had to date during his commute to and from work.
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 12-11-2013, 07:53 PM
Labs07 Labs07 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 11
Default

I know I don't have time for it but I search out relationships with people who are busy like my wife and I. I find time in my days to text or something and see the other when I can.
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 12-11-2013, 07:55 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,289
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
He just had to date during his commute to and from work.
Oh jeez, how was he supposed to make that happen for himself? Fuck people in his car on the way to work? Stop at some motel on the highway? Some of the rules couples have make me throw up in my mouth a little.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 12-11-2013, 08:03 PM
SpringtimeMama SpringtimeMama is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bay Area, California
Posts: 13
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I'd sum it up like this, I think -- some people who go the marriage-and-kids route choose to make their nuclear family their whole life (not counting work or family-of-origin). That's ok! Some other people choose to make time to have a life outside of their nuclear family. That can include other friends, hobbies, classes, exercise, games, social events, or any number of things.

I think we can all agree that any working mom or dad who also works it out with their nuclear family such that they can go to a class for one night every other week, or go out with friends for coffee on occasional weekend afternoons, or whatever, is not therefore a bad partner/parent. Well, just substitute out "date" for any of the activities I've been describing above and bam, non-monogamy (and possibly poly if feelings are involved).
Fabulous description Annabel! That's exactly how it works in my family. There is no appreciable difference to my toddler and preschooler between one parent being out for a meeting and that same parent being out for a date.

I cannot put my life on hold for 20 years until the kids are grown. That will just make us all miserable. My kids deserve a contented mother, and poly makes me happy, so here we are!
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 12-11-2013, 09:22 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Oh jeez, how was he supposed to make that happen for himself? Fuck people in his car on the way to work? Stop at some motel on the highway? Some of the rules couples have make me throw up in my mouth a little.
Thats illegal here.. Could get you thrown in jail hahah
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 12-12-2013, 02:17 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,420
Default

[quickly swallows naughty dab of vomit] Huh?

I'm lucky (that is, I consider myself lucky) that I don't have kids. Didn't plan it that way from the beginning, but it's for the best that it turned out that way, I think.

My younger brother longed to have children for many years before his wife decided the marriage was going to stick. Now they have three (and she won't be able to have any more), and they drive him nuts (and wear him out), but I think he still feels like it's worth it. But then, my brother's not polyamorous. Sometimes I think you have to be some kind of super-achiever (or have super-powers at least) to accomplish both (kids and poly). That and/or, the idea of grouping two sets of kids together so that one (or two) adult(s) can babysit them all while the other two adults go out, makes sense and would make things easier, I think.

That and, in addition, what everyone's described in previous posts here obviously is how they manage and it works for them. I'm sure each family's scheduling solutions will be somewhat creative and unique.

Given the closed V I'm in, only one of us has the tough job of poly scheduling. Both of the guys have me-time to spare, while she (the hinge) pretty much has no me-time. Not that we wouldn't understand if she chose to take time off for herself, but this is something that she feels she must or ought to do for us. How does she manage? Well,
  • no kids,
  • lots and lots of scheduling,
  • superpowers (e.g. time travel). Heh, she wishes ...
But as others have pointed out, you can be poly in spirit even if you can't practice it at the moment. Or you can trade some bit of your time in for poly living. Unfortunately, none of us can travel (except in tandem with the clock) through time. So at the end of the day, the decision to practice polyamory is about priorities and limits. Everyone has them, even those "lucky" enough to not have kids.

With musings aloud,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 12-13-2013, 03:15 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
[quickly swallows naughty dab of vomit] Sometimes I think you have to be some kind of super-achiever (or have super-powers at least) to accomplish both (kids and poly). That and/or, the idea of grouping two sets of kids together so that one (or two) adult(s) can babysit them all while the other two adults go out, makes sense and would make things easier, I think.
I think your assessment is correct. I couldn't imagine doing what I am doing now if we werent all invested in the family.

It would also be hard, and unfair for everyone involved, to bring anyone into this relationship who also didn't end up invested.

Its still tough with multiple invested co-parents.. heck our biggest issue is with the female female relationship. Kids (I don't know about in general, but the ones I know) require mommies. A lot. Especially newborns to toddlers. Its great having 2 couples, but one "mother" is almost always needed. Makes it tough for them to have alone time. And forget the "mommies" getting alone time. haha..

You just have to decide what you want and how you want it. Prioritize time based on actual NEEDs (not the kind most people make up that are wants). Kids, Mommy's and then relationships.
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 12-14-2013, 03:25 AM
Oldpolyman's Avatar
Oldpolyman Oldpolyman is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Usually on the East Coast
Posts: 52
Default

Two words, Time Management, lol. When L and H lived with me it wasn't too hard, i spent time with each woman after work and at night on a rotating basis. When wife M joined our little clan things got more complex. A lot was happening, wife L had passed and wife H was sick, eventually after H passed, the house was sold and J was joining us.
Today i toggle back and forth between wife J's house and M's place on alternate days. We talked about renting a place together, but the ladies like havin their own places, just as i love my rv.
Hugs
__________________
I try to love my wives this way, unconditionally! Husbands love your wives, even as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her. Eph. 5:25
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
scheduling, time management, work, working father, working mother

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:28 AM.